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Original poster

Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

847 replies

namechanged808 · 08/08/2023 23:04

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Moveoverdarlin · 09/08/2023 00:35

He’s done an about turn / changed his mind because things are really tough right now. I’m a SAHM too and my husband earns good money but when the electric bill is £300 a month, the mortgage is set to rise and a jar of Nescafé is a tenner even the most comfortably off are struggling. I feel terrible that the financial burden is all on my DH. But like you, I do the lions share of child and household stuff. As soon as my youngest starts school in Sept I want to work, in fact I’m gagging to get back to work.

You could easily get a dinner lady job or shop work a couple of days a week whilst the kids are in school. It sounds like he’s trying to say anything to get you to work, like others have said renting will be more expensive and they don’t hand out council houses to men who are pissy with their wives so have sold the house. In January our mortgage is likely to go up £700 a month, now whilst I make lovely casseroles, walk the dog, do the school run and keep the house spic and span, that just ain’t gonna cut it, I have to help financially.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:36

sandyhappypeople · 09/08/2023 00:22

This doesn't add up, how did you get the house?

A delivery driver with 4 dependents does not get a mortgage on a property on the wages you are describing..

My husband used to work in a family business when we first got the house and earn good money but family feud - he got kicked out by the rest of his family.
The house is a fairly modest 2 bed + 1 box room so we could afford it.

OP posts:
WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 00:37

Getting a job is not the strangest idea in the world

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:38

My family all agree with me that his behaviour is not on.
The threatening to sell the house if I don't comply is, to me, financial abuse.
And to answer a PP's question, most women in my family are not required to work, they can if they want to, but the money their earn is theirs to keep or do what they see fit with.

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 09/08/2023 00:38

If you are this tight financially barely getting by you are one emergency bill from disaster. Yes it's awful your husband is not reliable with jobs. But knowing this and still not wanting to work makes you just as unreliable. If I were you I'd get a job fast and start planning life with out him.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:39

WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 00:37

Getting a job is not the strangest idea in the world

I agree. But not with children as young as 3, 5, and 7.

I know in America mums get 3 months maternity leave but I don't think that makes anything okay.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:39

What's been your plan for if he was to break up with you?

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 00:39

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:38

My family all agree with me that his behaviour is not on.
The threatening to sell the house if I don't comply is, to me, financial abuse.
And to answer a PP's question, most women in my family are not required to work, they can if they want to, but the money their earn is theirs to keep or do what they see fit with.

Presumably they married better than you.
Will they give you the money?

No. Its not financial abuse.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:40

momonpurpose · 09/08/2023 00:38

If you are this tight financially barely getting by you are one emergency bill from disaster. Yes it's awful your husband is not reliable with jobs. But knowing this and still not wanting to work makes you just as unreliable. If I were you I'd get a job fast and start planning life with out him.

That's what's breaking my heart.

It's either I obey and comply with financial abuse or my house is taken away from me.

I want to divorce him but everyone in my life tells me it wouldn't be in the best interest of the children and try to dissuade me.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:41

I agree. But not with children as young as 3, 5, and 7.

At what age of your children would you think it fair for you to work?

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:41

Financial abuse?

You're having a laugh.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:41

DinoRoar14 · 09/08/2023 00:39

Presumably they married better than you.
Will they give you the money?

No. Its not financial abuse.

Show quote history

So it's okay for them to be SAHMs but not me? Suddenly because they married richer they are not entitled gold diggers, but i am? Just because I made the mistake to trust the wrong person

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:42

monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:41

I agree. But not with children as young as 3, 5, and 7.

At what age of your children would you think it fair for you to work?

When they are a bit more independent

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:43

It's either I obey and comply with financial abuse or my house is taken away from me.

And this is why it's so dangerous to be entirely financially reliant on a man.

Let alone have multiple children with someone while entirely financially reliant on them.

And keep having more children with someone who has proven himself to be unreliable (in your opinion) when it comes to working and providing.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:43

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:41

Financial abuse?

You're having a laugh.

Many pps agree with me? If not financial abuse at the very best it's mean.

OP posts:
Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:43

You want to divorce him?

And then what will you do?

Wait for money to fall out of the sky?

He'll give up working altogether and you won't get a penny off of him and you and your children will be relying on food banks.

toomuchlaundry · 09/08/2023 00:43

What jobs (when OP has no employment history) will cover 3 lots of childcare in schools holidays etc. Most schools are not crying out for TAs unless you have SEND experience, most schools either don’t have general TAs or if they do are probably going to make them redundant in the near future

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:43

monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:43

It's either I obey and comply with financial abuse or my house is taken away from me.

And this is why it's so dangerous to be entirely financially reliant on a man.

Let alone have multiple children with someone while entirely financially reliant on them.

And keep having more children with someone who has proven himself to be unreliable (in your opinion) when it comes to working and providing.

I agree, I was extremely stupid and naive. One of my biggest regrets.

OP posts:
EleanorLucyG · 09/08/2023 00:44

Agadontdontdont · 09/08/2023 00:22

So what should OP do? What is your advice? Her husband doesn’t want to get his act together, they’ve been married for years doesn’t seem like his behaviour will change.
He refuses to get a better job/stick with a job.
He refuses to do any house work or parenting.
What is the solution here if namechanged808 wants to keep a roof over her & her kids heads, keep them fed, clothed & safe. He refuses to change, she refuse to change what is the the solution?

Show quote history

If it was me my solution would be divorce, get myself a job, obviously the house gets sold at some point (possibly not until DC are 18 though) so living elsewhere probably a flat or small 2 bed terrace. When job, living situation and divorce are sorted, I'd look for another husband. One with a work ethic to match mine, someone who doesn't see DC and housework as women's work, someone who would be a true partner. If I couldn't find one of those I'd stay single.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:44

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:43

You want to divorce him?

And then what will you do?

Wait for money to fall out of the sky?

He'll give up working altogether and you won't get a penny off of him and you and your children will be relying on food banks.

Why would he give up work?

OP posts:
Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:44

Stop with the gold digger nonsense, you've been told several times that you have either misunderstood or have deliberately twisted my words.

WandaWonder · 09/08/2023 00:44

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:41

So it's okay for them to be SAHMs but not me? Suddenly because they married richer they are not entitled gold diggers, but i am? Just because I made the mistake to trust the wrong person

Show quote history

It was your choice to have 3 kids

monsteramunch · 09/08/2023 00:44

Nobody called you a gold digger.

The poster who used that phrase specially said you weren't a gold digger.

Stop making out you were called that, it's a bizarre thing to do when it isn't what anyone has said.

Original poster
namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:44

Busubaba · 09/08/2023 00:44

Stop with the gold digger nonsense, you've been told several times that you have either misunderstood or have deliberately twisted my words.

I sincerely apologise. It was a misunderstanding.

OP posts:
Crapsummer · 09/08/2023 00:44

namechanged808 · 09/08/2023 00:38

My family all agree with me that his behaviour is not on.
The threatening to sell the house if I don't comply is, to me, financial abuse.
And to answer a PP's question, most women in my family are not required to work, they can if they want to, but the money their earn is theirs to keep or do what they see fit with.

Op is there anything vejse going on. Does your partner keep money fron you so you can't go out, get things you need , leave you isolated etc

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