Husband giving me an ultimatum - forcing me to get a job or sell our house

[namechanged808]

My husband and I have a mortgage on our house.

I am a SAHM of three children, 3, 5 and 7.

He says we can't afford the house we live in and wants to move to a rented council house.

I don't want to do that as I enjoy having a house of my own, that I can make mine. I don't want to rent for the rest of my life. I like stability for my children.

My husband is now forcing me to get a job if I want to keep the house.

I don't know what to do

I would love to stay at home too, but I need to work.

What would happen if your husband became ill for example and needed to take time off work?

Get a job. Why are you so against the idea?

Because his wife and the mother of his children does EVERYTHING ELSE.

I literally despair not only for humanity - but also for women - with the attitude of SOME on here ... I can't believe some of the posts I am reading.

@FatAgainItsLettuceTime but that would require her to get hold of a term time job.
I agree it sounds like OP has no choice because her husbands useless, but just because you went to work when yours was fresh out of the womb and you did that knowing you probably wouldn't see any of the money after Care costs, doesn't mean everyone should. I would have rather lived in a caravan and ate baked beans everyday and worn bin bags for clothes then go to work when my baby was so young but that's just me and we all have different ideas about life.

@namechanged808
Hope your situation changes for the better, your hubby really needs to.get his act together and take his jobs more seriously.
The fact that he gets fired says a lot.
Calm yourselves down and nicely tell him to Man up and take his responsibilities seriously.
You said before you will be fine if he sticks to his jobs....so that's all what it takes.
Don't argue over this just encourage him more and show him more love and attention.
You're already doing a great job looking after the house and children and his needs.
Hopefully he gets his act together and does his bit 🙏 tough times but hopefully you both get through it ❤️

You wouldn't get a council house for decades if you earn enough for a mortgage!!! Even if you sold it and moved to a relatives to try and play the system!!!
Unbelievable

For the record.. I don't think your DH is going about things from his side in the right way. You need to be able to have reasonable adult conversations where you both take responsibility.

Yes of course in an ideal world your DH should be able to hold down a job and be reasonable. But you can't control what he does with his jobs or career.... you can only be in control of what you do.. which lends even more weight to the importance of ensuring better financial security for you and your DCs in case he doesn't clean up his act. Sitting there and wishing things were different is not going to change anything at all.

OP, I’m sorry if you are finding some of the messages upsetting but it may be that this is a reality check you need.

Your husband does not sound reliable. By the sound of it, he is unlikely to change. That may not be something you are happy about but it is not something you can control. There are no magic words anyone can say to him that will make him a better provider. You are in a very vulnerable position here because of how reliant you are on someone who can no longer support you.

If you want to keep your home, it sounds like it’s a case of all hands to the pump. You could get a job in a supermarket whilst your kids are at school/ nursery. They might even give you money off your food shopping there too. Whatever you raise will help you keep your home. You will otherwise eventually lose your house and be back at square one.

The biggest cause for concern here is that you seem to be unwilling to protect yourself from reliance on someone who is showing you they are not a good provider. Of course your husband should be a better provider, but he isn’t, and you now need to decide what to do with that information. He is unlikely to change at this point and you can’t force him to.

Your options are to get a job, part time until the kids are old enough if necessary, and keep your house. Or to remain a SAHM and lose your home. Your husband is telling you that the status quo cannot continue and, based on your own statements about the condition of your finances, there’s no reason to doubt him. You are in a difficult and serious position and need to think hard about where you go from here.

Wishing you the best of luck.

How do you imagine single mothers do "everything else" on top of holding down a job?

What exactly is "everything else" when the family is out for over 6 hours a day?

Eh?
The OP hasn't got a young baby. Her youngest child is 3 and already in nursery.

@FadeAwayAndRadiate

Because now it's all about making life easier for men. I don't know a single working mother that isn't also doing everything at home too. Some even wave their husbands off for 'weekends with the boys' and help them pluck their bloody eyebrows.

@clarebear111 a very calm and well reasoned post.

@TheShellBeach

What do you mean eh?
The older kids can't go to nursery can they Sherlock. She'd have to pay for that.

So what should OP do? What is your advice? Her husband doesn’t want to get his act together, they’ve been married for years doesn’t seem like his behaviour will change.
He refuses to get a better job/stick with a job.
He refuses to do any house work or parenting.
What is the solution here if namechanged808 wants to keep a roof over her & her kids heads, keep them fed, clothed & safe. He refuses to change, she refuse to change what is the the solution?

This doesn't add up, how did you get the house?

A delivery driver with 4 dependents does not get a mortgage on a property on the wages you are describing..

So what is the plan when you default on the mortgage (either because it’s gone up too much or your husband loses his job again, or both), and the house gets repossessed?

Because that’s the surest outcome if nothing changes in the interim.

And you won’t get a nice cosy council house to live in. You’ll end up in a hotel room -
one room for you all. Or a hostel.

So something needs to change and quickly.

Your relationship does not sound good OP.
In the short term, why not make things easier by trying for a part time job. He will be happy more money is coming in; you will not miss out on time with the kids. You certainly don't need to go back into education to get a job in a supermarket, cleaning - I would suggest school dinner lady I've had friends do this and it's literally a few hours in the middle of the day.

I'm on my own now. But when I was with my children's father. I was working. So was he. But I was also looking after the kids the house, meals waking up during the night. He did fuck all. It was awful. That was a good few years back and even thinking about it makes me feel worthless.

Sorry, OP, I started my post when only a handful of people had responded, got waylaid, and by the time I got around to pressing send a few minutes ago, you'd posted lots of really relevant updates that now make my first post a bit irrelevant.

I still think you should sit down together and thrash out the family finances. In your shoes, I would also try to get a job, any job, even if just for a few hours a week. I think you should do it so that you can gain some kind of independence from your husband. He sounds like he really hasn't helped himself so far, and is turning nasty and defensive as he becomes increasingly stressed about your joint financial situation.

You could work as a dinner lady. That way you'll have time of with your children in the holidays and won't have to pay for childcare. Do you get Universal Credit top up I'll post a link.

You really want everyone else to facilitate your lazy lifestyle.

popping out multiple kids you can’t afford. Expecting someone else to work to pay for them. Wanting a council house so taxpayers can pay for your choices so you can stay at home all day.

get a job and some self respect and start paying your own way, you don’t get everything you want in life for free.

https://www.entitledto.co.uk/help/calculating-universal-credit
This isn't just for people who don't or can't work. Most claimants work full time.

My DH father died at just 26 years old of cancer. DH was just 7 months old and his DM was determined that she was going to work to support him. Even after she met the man who would become DH stepfather when DH was six years old DMIL continued to work. DMIL finally retired in 2019 when DH was 37 years old as MIL was diagnosed with Neuroendocrine Tumours (NETS) and treatment made work difficult.

My former manager’s parents both worked full time and were like ships passing in the night at times as they had seven children. One worked nights and one worked days and both took an equal roll in household and child care duties as it was the only way it worked. My manager was born in 1958 and was her parents fifth child. Your husband needs to step up more with household and child care duties to allow you to work.

You can't afford to hide behind excuses or culture any longer. You're going to need to act before your husband does. What happens if he loses his job and cannot find another? Will you just cry and say 'poor me?'

Yeah it's shit, but you need to forget about being a SAHM and start earning money before your 'D'H forces your hand. You wouldn't be the first or last woman from your culture to find themselves in the shit with +/- 3 kids. Life as you know it is over, but it'd only get worse if you continue to allow him to control your life and home.

Oh and you will not be expected to seek work until your youngest turns 4.

Haven't read the whole thread-sorry its late but just didn't want to read and run.
Firstly is he crazy? Its virtually impossible to get a council house these days, you have to be in the queue behind refugees/asylum seeker for a start (dont get me started!).
Have you sat down together and worked out your finances including the cost of childcare/after school are if needed etc. You might find you're actually worse off. Including time and maybe petrol to get them there, collect them etc. You might be able to cut down on somethings but that sort of ultimatum without a discussion isn't helpful, you need to do it together.