I can't drive and it's pathetic

[Yuluml]

Just that. I'm 36 years old, can't drive. Grew up in London so never needed to drive there, then we moved away (though I can still get by where I live now with public transport), then I thought I'd better learn once I had DC 8 years ago. No go. I've done manual, I've done automatic. I've failed four tests now for pretty minor things basically out of nerves but I'm grateful I failed because I literally do not feel safe on the road. I cannot judge distance. I can't park because I don't understand how to judge space. I can't read a map properly either and wonder if I'm missing some sort of fundamental part of my brain, because I'm not stupid - I have two degrees, I hold down a fairly high level professional job. How is that that I cannot master this basic life skill?! People tend to assume it's just nerves or anxiety but it isn't - I feel like I fundamentally lack a component of my brain that would enable me to drive competently.

I feel I've tried everything at this point and I just don't want to do it any more, lessons are £40 an hour where I live and I just feel done with it. Even if I passed my test and was able to do small local journies there's just no way in hell I'd ever be able to drive on the motorway or anything, because I can't judge distance safely enough to merge or to overtake and so on.

Just wanted to rant about it TBH because I feel pathetic - everyone else can do this, why can't I? When I tell people about this IRL they say oh just go for an automatic license, any idiot can drive an automatic! Then they don't believe me when I say I've already tried and I can't.

*journeys!

If it helps think of driving as a specific skill that some people can do and some can’t. Like reading when you are dyslexic. Or playing sport. We can’t all be good at everything and I’m sure you have other abilities.

I do think it is practice. Some people need less practice than others. I took 5 tests before I passed. I then took a while to feel confident. I am still quite nervous and dislike long drives. However I am confident where I live and it was worth persevering.

I can’t either. I couldn’t afford to for a long time - lived in an expensive city, house share, not a lot of spare cash, great public transport so no need to, blardy blah. Then I met DH and he could drive so it wasn’t high up on my list for a bit. Then we had DD quite quickly and BOOM it really mattered then, so I booked lessons which were then cancelled due to covid. Then we moved house, mortgage payments went up, DC2 was born, we wrangle with nursery fees and the money just isn’t there at the moment. I scraped some together to do an intensive last year but wasn’t ready for the test at the end as DD was unwell and I had to skip 2 days of it. Fucking depressing.

So many (older) people are astounded I haven’t done it but are less astounded when I tell them passing your test is about £2,000 and that’s not including the car and maintenance costs. They did it back in the 90s when your mate’s dad taught you and there was no theory test.

But yes it’s shit and I deeply regret not doing it at 17, but again, no money. I hate being reliant on others and find it embarrassing.

I'm in my 40s and recently learned to drive. I absolutely hate it and wished I'd never got my bloody car and license.
I feel incompetent and the journeys I do do would be easily accessible by public transport (and I'd not have car costs).
The journeys I want to do are just so out of reach for me as it would mean driving on the motorway. I can't even take my dc to the beach or a theme park which makes me feel terrible. I find myself looking at bus trips and my world feels so small. I'm living within a 20 mile non- busy road radius - and even the largest local town ten mile away is out of my reach as its too busy for me 😭

What have your driving instructors been like? Have they just not given you any confidence? Surely booking the tests meant they had some faith in you passing? What exactly did you fail on? Confidence is a huge part of it but that mainly comes after you’ve had your license and been driving for a while after.

Me too! Also grew up in London so wasn't needed, and am 31 now. I haven't even got as far as the tests. I'm just really really shit at it, even in an automatic. I can't remember anything, and I'm too nervous. Wish I had carried on at 17 when I was cocky and knew everything. I'll never drive now.

If it's any comfort op you're not alone. I passed 7 YEARS ago and still hate, absolutely hate, all driving. People say 'oh I get it, I'm just like you as I hate motorways, you're not alone' but that just makes me feel even more alone because that's so far from what I experience when it comes to driving.

I really want to crack it because it would be better for the kids but its honestly a real struggle for me. If I know I'm driving the next day I genuinely can't sleep the night before, I get that nervous. And dh always has to accompany/ help me. I just hate it.

A lot of that - judging distance, reading maps, space - really improves with practice. You have to 'get your eye in' and concentrate (and years of driving later, a quick glance is all you need). Although agree with a PP that we all have different skills.

I do live on an estate where lots of people don't have cars/can't drive and they manage just fine.

If Maureen from Driving School can eventually pass then so can you.

Have you thought about investing in an intensive driving course?

nationalintensive.com/driving-courses/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwz8emBhDrARIsANNJjS7-7g2chyN95-u4AHUvGxQOL466igueIGvB2MkTvoMz2GWvi3NG7D4aAnPZEALw_wcB

Your instructors would not have said you were capable and put you forward for a test if you weren't as it's their reputation at risk.

It’s just practice. With the price of lessons, you’re better off getting a small car and practising with someone.

You’re not pathetic and you can do it. DD passed on third time after 2.5 years of driving lessons. She has had about six accidents, two with other cars, one her fault, one 50/50 and four scrapes in car parks or against barriers or bollards.

Seven years later, I think she’s finally got it. A car with rear sensors helped and parking away from everyone else for a while. She is now the proud owner of a 3 year NCB.

I am 60 and have several friends near my age who can't drive. Off the top of my head I can think of 3 women and 2 men. We all live in London though so it's not a big deal, although no doubt very frustrating for their partners who have to do all the driving for everything.

I don't need to drive every day but do use our own car and a work car several times a week, including essential driving as part of my job. I can also drive to family within the UK, drive anywhere I like infact, and hire a car and drive abroad. So I do find it a very useful life skill to have.

I don't think 4 failed tests is the end of the world. Maybe try another instructor?

Totally empathise OP. I am 32 and have never learnt. Partly due to cost, partly because my dad was a literal taxi driver and would give my lifts and then DH passed. But mostly because I am utterly terrified. I am even a nervous passenger. I watch DH driving and I haven’t a clue what he’s doing. He complains about other drivers on the motorway and I have no clue what he’s talking about. I know this is all stuff you learn but I also feel like I am lacking the part of my brain that retains this information. My sense of direction and map reading is non existent. I even have a recurring nightmare where for some reason I have a big white range rover and I have to drive it home?!

Although day to day we cope fine with one driver in the family, there are good local transport links where we live for when I have the kids by myself. But my world does feel very small. Especially in the summer holidays, any nice days out involve long public transport journeys or waiting for DHs day off. I always worry about looking after my parents as they get older, neither of my sisters drive either (though one is learning) and they both live some distance away which would make looking after them in old age difficult by public transport.

A lot of the difficulties you describe OP are reasons I don't drive either. I'm Dyspraxic amongst other things and my spatial awareness, co-ordination, map skills etc are just not up to it!

Oh OP. I could have written this almost word for word. I am 43 & just passed my test. I had been learning on and off (mostly off) since 1997.

I took a lot of Valium for the test. A LOT.

I've had three and they've all been lovely albeit none of them really understood that I simply cannot judge space and it wasn't that I was nervous. But they were all nice, trust me the problem is me!

I failed on daft things like leaving the indicator on too long, not overtaking a bus, just stuff I did out of nerves which I'd never done in lessons. But in all four tests I was never tested on parking - the manoeuvre was always pull up on the right which is easy. And I did all four of my tests in traffic-heavy cities so there was hardly any overtaking or even much driving on A roads.

My experience of driving instructors is they want to teach you how to pass the test, not how to drive. Which IME is not the same thing. I suspect I could pass the test, with practice, but I'd still not be able to actually drive.

I also have a terrible (I mean, truly dreadful - I still occasionally get lost in our cul de sac and we've lived here for three years) sense of direction and can't build flat pack furniture - all of which feels like it is the same part of my brain.

I've had hours and hours and hours and hours of practice. I've driven our own car with DH. Doesn't make a difference.

Trust me, I had LOADS and LOADS of lessons. Along with tests! I've passed for 5 years now. You will get there! You need to practice every single day with your DH.

Your DH literally needs to be a passenger princess, you do every single drive - everyday for the next couple months or so.

You'll notice the difference as you will do it everyday and on continuous basis.

My driving improves everyday.

Gosh I could have written your post myself @Yuluml. I feel exactly the same - like I’m just not safe. I’m also highly educated and very capable in all other aspects of life!

I passed my test on the fifth go, 14 years ago aged 29. I still hate driving and I’ve actually not done any for five years because I felt too nervous when pregnant (after losses) and then felt too tired and anxious to start again. I am going to give it one more go, starting with small local journeys and see if I can overcome the nerves to at least manage some of the basic trips I need to do.

I can’t imagine the freedom of just being able to jump in the car and drive.

You only learn to drive AFTER passing your test that's completely normal.

Right, but I'm not safe to be on the road, that's my point. I'd be putting other road users (and myself) at risk.

Same! I don't care though, everyday travel is achieved on a pushbike which means I get loads of exercise. I think people rely on their cars too much, it really makes me chuckle when I see people driving to and from the gym.