I can't drive and it's pathetic

[Yuluml]

Just that. I'm 36 years old, can't drive. Grew up in London so never needed to drive there, then we moved away (though I can still get by where I live now with public transport), then I thought I'd better learn once I had DC 8 years ago. No go. I've done manual, I've done automatic. I've failed four tests now for pretty minor things basically out of nerves but I'm grateful I failed because I literally do not feel safe on the road. I cannot judge distance. I can't park because I don't understand how to judge space. I can't read a map properly either and wonder if I'm missing some sort of fundamental part of my brain, because I'm not stupid - I have two degrees, I hold down a fairly high level professional job. How is that that I cannot master this basic life skill?! People tend to assume it's just nerves or anxiety but it isn't - I feel like I fundamentally lack a component of my brain that would enable me to drive competently.

I feel I've tried everything at this point and I just don't want to do it any more, lessons are £40 an hour where I live and I just feel done with it. Even if I passed my test and was able to do small local journies there's just no way in hell I'd ever be able to drive on the motorway or anything, because I can't judge distance safely enough to merge or to overtake and so on.

Just wanted to rant about it TBH because I feel pathetic - everyone else can do this, why can't I? When I tell people about this IRL they say oh just go for an automatic license, any idiot can drive an automatic! Then they don't believe me when I say I've already tried and I can't.

I am baffled at the people saying 'oooh I can drive but I absolutely HATE it, and wish I had never passed.' No-one is forcing you to drive. Why don't you surrender your licence, sell your car, and get the bus or a taxi (or walk or cycle?!) I doubt this is going to make the OP feel better.

It's like the 'I feel really lonely single' threads, that attract the 'oooh I have an amazing husband who loves me to the moon and back, but I'm thinking of you.' 🙄It's soooo patronising and condescending saying 'meh well driving is shit anyway!' Yeah it can be a challenge, and some drivers are arseholes, but it's such an amazing skill to have. I don't judge people who can't drive, as I know it's so expensive to learn and quite hard to do (for some,) but let's not pretend it's not a good life skill that can make your life easier, and come in very handy.

@Yuluml I am really sorry you feel so bad about not being able to drive. As a pp said, how many driving instructors have you tried? I had a lousy one when I was learning. A really rude, snappy, aggressive man who SHOUTED at me when I did something 'wrong.' After 3 lessons I got out of the car, burst out crying and ran home (I was 19.) I quit. My dad gave him a piece of his mind. But this put me off for a couple of years. Then I got another man who was not nasty but very impatient. I failed 2 tests with him.

Then I stopped for about 3 years, then restarted with a female instructor. She was golden. So patient and sweet. Had 16 lessons with her, then two tests several weeks apart. (So I had failed 4 in all by then.) Then I had another 10 lessons with her - as I failed on just one thing both time! (parallel parking!) And then I had a FIFTH test. PASSED!

Was hard work, and I struggled, but I passed at 25. You can do this! Yes it can be challenging sometimes, and some people are twats on the road, but driving is a GREAT skill to have. And it gives you so much independence and freedom.

DD learned to drive and passed at 23, and she travels a lot with her job, and also to see friends 100 to 150 miles south and 100 miles north. And she goes to concerts and festivals and all sorts. (Including 3 weddings during 2022 and 2023.) The trains are SO unreliable sometimes, that she would have missed loads if she had had to rely on them. She had MULTIPLE trains cancelled and had to use her car.

As I said, driving gives you so much independence and freedom. Yes, it's not cheap, but you will 'make your money back' with how much you save on extortionate train fares, and coach fares, and will very likely go further in your career if you can drive.

I know quite a few people who have been passed over for promotion and a £20K-30K a year pay rise because they can't drive. I know loads of people will come on and say 'I can't drive and I am the director of the company with 750 people working for me. I just get taxis and trains everywhere.' Meetings every week, seminars, staff meetings, one to one with the chief executive who's at the head office 100 miles away, various training courses etc etc. I find that hard to believe. I don't know one single person in a 'big important job' in a high tier at work, who can't drive. I genuinely don't ... Never have.

As @parsleymint said

This is why I think everyone should learn as soon as they are 17.

This. ^ I will go so far as to say it should be on the school curriculum. Or at least a college subject. EVERYONE should be taught to drive - for free - at school or college.

I am baffled at the people saying 'oooh I can drive but I absolutely HATE it, and wish I had never passed.' It's soooo patronising and condescending saying 'meh well driving is shit anyway!'

I’m one of those posters and it absolutely wasn’t my intention to say “well driving is shit anyway” or be patronising. It was more to say I find it bloody difficult too, yes I happen to have passed my test but it was by the skin of my teeth and I’m still not sure I should be driving. It was meant in solidarity, though I appreciate I am in a different position to the OP having a licence (but in many ways I may as well not have one).

I know posters mean well but if someone knows that they are unsafe behind the wheel and freely admit they would be a danger to others I’m not sure that anyone should be encouraging them to persevere. Some people will just never be a competent driver, no matter how many lessons they have. We all have different skills. There are enough poor drivers on the road already. We don’t need to be recruiting for more.

There is no shame in accepting & admitting driving is not for you. The most academic people can find driving difficult, including an architect I know who sat his test 9 times. I was hopeless during my lessons in a manual car. My driving instructor said I should learn in France due to being handless with my left hand operating the gears 🤦‍♀️
I admit I did get on well with an automatic car & passed my test. I have 2 sisters & a teacher friend, not one of them drive & never will. It's more common than you think.

♥️

I can't either. I've wasted thousands on lessons. I don't have anyone to take me out to practice so I'm never going to be able to do it. I have made my peace with never driving.

Do some of you think most 17yo can afford to learn...?

I'm in the same boat OP, I have failed x4, I get severe anxiety for the test (tunnel vision etc) but I also in general feel really clueless about judging distances, timing, etc, and tend to panic and freeze if I come up against a situation I don't know how to handle.

I am uncoordinated in my body as well and e.g. couldn't ride a bike without stabilisers until was 12. My mum eventually took them off because I was bending them with my weight and I just had to get on with it. I walk into furniture all the time and am always covered in bruises. Have always been hopeless at sports.

I have diagnosed ADHD and I think this is probably what's behind the crap spatial/time awareness.

But I am going to try again. For one I'm going to get on a stable medication to hopefully reduce my symptoms of inattention and time blindness. But most importantly I've located a driving instructor who sounds more trustworthy. I would input some time into phoning around local driving schools, ask them what their track record is with nervous drivers/people who have repeatedly failed, asking local friends/family, reading google reviews, and find a driving school with an instructor you like the sound of who says that they teach nervous/hopeless/spatially crap drivers.

You can learn some tricks, like lining up parked cars with your windscreen pillar, for example, which help judge distance without actually having to "feel" it which fill in until you can learn that.

I think you're right that driving instructors teach you to pass the test, but that's true for everyone and it seems to work OK. Most people aren't going out causing crashes every time they drive. You could always do an advanced driving course, defensive driving or pass plus after you pass. Or see if someone will teach you some elements of these courses as part of some lessons.

I am 40 and passed this year on my 9th attempt. Did it in an automatic the final time.

I also struggle with spacial awareness. I don't like tricky parking spots and find reversing stressful. I get beeped frequently as I tend to be cautious pulling out of junctions etc as like you I don't feel I'm great at judging distances so I like to be sure I can make it

No sense of direction either. Thank god for Google maps.

I have become a much better and more confident drive since passing my test though. I too didn't feel I was a competent driver but I now don't think I am.dangerous - just a bit slower than others!

I did it out of necessity as my kids needed ferrying about more and more as they got older.

Do you have a car and a patient friend/partner to accompany you, so you can practice outside of lessons?

I'm similar to you. Lived in London for years so didn't need to drive but when I relocated to the sticks, I really felt it! Took 3 tests and each time failed on fiddly minors but it was the out-of-lessons practice which clinched it for me. I took all the pressure off and went out with a family member, gradually building up my confidence at busier times of the day.

There's a lot of pressure to 'take the test' but I didn't take my 4th test until I felt really steady and confident I could handle it. Passed with 1 minor on my final attempt.

It's got nothing to do with intelligence (I don't think) but probably more to do with dexterity and the speed at which you learn how to do multiple things at the same time. I remember saying to my relative at the time, 'will I ever be able to slow down, put the clutch in, change gears, check my mirrors, indicate and manoeuvre without rehearsing a list in my head?' He just smiled.

It's absolutely worth persevering but it's likely you need lots of informal practice to get you where you need to be.

I also can’t drive. Learned and passed my test when I was 32, but absolutely loathe driving and have driven a handful of times since (and not in at least three years). I feel like it is something I am very ‘bad’ at and really don’t enjoy. I have no spatial awareness whatsoever, and can’t park unless there are two adjacent spaces. I have just accepted that I hate driving and will always have to live somewhere with good transport. I would FAR rather do that than drive, to be honest!

53 here and a non driver. I'm not arsed about it as everything I need is within walking distance. It's just an added expense that I don't need. I also know that I'd get lazy and drive everywhere so I'm staying as I am.

I passed my test aged 18 on the 2nd attempt and lacked confidence in driving until I got my own car aged 22. I don't think I really felt I could drive until I was out on my own in my own car.

I'm still not good with maps and I don't like reversing. But there is a skill to, say , reverse parallel parking that can be learnt.

Equally, you're holding down a senior job, many ppl can't do that.

You have my sympathy and commiserations OP, I can't either. Over the last 25 years or so on 4 seperate occassions I've tried, the last with extensive lessons. That one ended after a tricky failed hillstart at a red light. I didn't hit the van behind us but it frightened them, understandably, and they commented to my DH about it when we got out of the car to switch drivers so he could get us out of the way. After that I said I'd like to try switching to an automatic but both instructor and DH were against it, DH because he didn't want an automatic car. It felt like a bit of a standoff in the end, but the reality is I probably never would have been able to increase my confidence, it's just an awful lot of action on the road, people driving quickly, closely, stopping suddenly, pedestrians, animals... I'm the most risk averse person I know. When I'm older I look forward to getting one of those 4 wheeled things the elderly folks around here get about in!

"Right, but I'm not safe to be on the road, that's my point. I'd be putting other road users (and myself) at risk"

I'm glad you realise this OP. It's sensible albeit I'm sure very frustrating.

Take a breather and some time away from tests for a good while. Find a bloody good instructor and keep at it occasionally just to keep your awareness up. Practice makes perfect and you'll know when you're ready. You won't feel like you do.

Take some rescue remedy for the nerves too!!

If you can afford to, get more lessons on the motorway. Or get someone you trust to take you out for more practice. I live in a country where you have to do 3000km before your test. DD1 passed 3rd time by which time she'd driven over 5k and had loads of experience.

Driving is about doing. Plan some journeys that are one junction on the motorway. Spend a whole day getting on and off. To be honest the only bad bit of the motorway is getting on.

It's got nothing to do with intelligence (I don't think) but probably more to do with dexterity and the speed at which you learn how to do multiple things at the same time.

Absolutely agree with this.

It took me 6 years on and off, 5 tests and 4 different instructors before I passed. Having the right instructor is important. The one I eventually passed with aided my concentration by not talking except when necessary (had had some chatterers before) and the less he talked the more confident I got.

There's a lot of "I can't do it" on this thread. A bit like the idea that it's ok to be poor at maths but less acceptable to be bad at English.
You can do it, you just have to have lots of patience, lots of practice and a good teacher.

It's other road users I am worried for. I genuinely think most people on this thread think I am simply nervous and need practice, rather than accepting there are some things I simply am not able to do that I need to be able to do to drive safely. I do have ADHD so I find certain things a massive struggle and I suspect I may also have dyspraxia but don't have a diagnosis - there are just certain things I'm not good at, and won't be. That's not me being defeatest, just honest that maybe this isn't something for me.

I live in a city where I can walk to most essential places, and most other places further afield I can get to via public transport, so it isn't like this is a huge hamper on my daily life in the way it would be if I were living rurally. Obviously it would be better if I could drive, I would be able to do more things without DH, but it is what it is.

I can't remember who said this now but someone mentioned career - I'm self employed and work from home in an office based role so that is never going to be an issue for me.

I live in a city where I can walk to most essential places, and most other places further afield I can get to via public transport, so it isn't like this is a huge hamper on my daily life in the way it would be if I were living rurally. Obviously it would be better if I could drive, I would be able to do more thing

I live in London and still drive all the time. A car gives you freedom that even very good public transport simply can't.

Look at all the morons who can drive - it can't be that hard. Have you ever driven a bumper car at a fair? Driving an automatic is almost identical to that. You just press the pedal and move the wheel. As long as you always drive below/at the speed limit, you should always be able to stop in any situation.

Very similar to you OP. Wasn’t interested as a teenager and then lived in London until my later thirties. Am fearful if traffic and have chosen not to learn and accepted that, in retrospect I do now wish I’d learned when younger as it has restricted me somewhat now we live more rurally but I’m not prepared to learn now.

Look at all the morons who can drive - it can't be that hard. Have you ever driven a bumper car at a fair? Driving an automatic is almost identical to that. You just press the pedal and move the wheel. As long as you always drive below/at the speed limit, you should always be able to stop in any situation.

Mate, I've failed four tests in an automatic, this is my point 😂. People always think automatics are the magic solution - they're not, the issue is my lack of spatial awareness, inability to judge the distance or situation and terrible memory issues to the extent that I often forget which side you give way to on a roundabout.

I live in London and still drive all the time. A car gives you freedom that even very good public transport simply can't.

I go back to London all the time for long periods of time to see family and honestly never need a car.

Look at all the morons who can drive - it can't be that hard

Well, quite. And yet for me it is.