I can't drive and it's pathetic

[Yuluml]

Just that. I'm 36 years old, can't drive. Grew up in London so never needed to drive there, then we moved away (though I can still get by where I live now with public transport), then I thought I'd better learn once I had DC 8 years ago. No go. I've done manual, I've done automatic. I've failed four tests now for pretty minor things basically out of nerves but I'm grateful I failed because I literally do not feel safe on the road. I cannot judge distance. I can't park because I don't understand how to judge space. I can't read a map properly either and wonder if I'm missing some sort of fundamental part of my brain, because I'm not stupid - I have two degrees, I hold down a fairly high level professional job. How is that that I cannot master this basic life skill?! People tend to assume it's just nerves or anxiety but it isn't - I feel like I fundamentally lack a component of my brain that would enable me to drive competently.

I feel I've tried everything at this point and I just don't want to do it any more, lessons are £40 an hour where I live and I just feel done with it. Even if I passed my test and was able to do small local journies there's just no way in hell I'd ever be able to drive on the motorway or anything, because I can't judge distance safely enough to merge or to overtake and so on.

Just wanted to rant about it TBH because I feel pathetic - everyone else can do this, why can't I? When I tell people about this IRL they say oh just go for an automatic license, any idiot can drive an automatic! Then they don't believe me when I say I've already tried and I can't.

I think you only really learn to drive when you do it all the time. I grew up in Edinburgh, excellent public transport, no/expensive parking. Had a child moved out to the countryside and failed multiple times. I did persevere and passed though 10 years ago. I’ve had one scrape and I drive as part of my job.

Driving didn't come naturally to me op and l only really learnt after l passed my test. Been driving 25 years now and have a clean sheet - you can do it you just need lots of prqctise

Oh OP I feel for you - driving is hard! I'm actually not allowed to drive due to being registered partially blind and not meeting the standard for peripheral vision.

But honestly, I can't wrap my head around the concept of looking in mirrors, out the windscreen, dealing with lanes, speed limits, roundabouts etc, watching for pedestrians and other cars/buses/lorries and then add gears to it all!

Everyone bangs on about driving being a life skill on MN and that's what makes me feel pathetic, but I know I'm not, and neither are you.

I'd keep trying though, and agree with a previous poster who says, any drive you can do with DH, get him to let you do it while he's passenger. Take every minute of practice you can. Or, possibly look into one of those intensive courses?

I learnt in my mid thirties, it took many many lessons.

My sense of direction is appalling, I use a sat nav and still make wrong turns occasionally.
I started off with small journeys and gradually built up. It really was frightening to start with.
I wouldn’t say I particularly enjoy driving but I LOVE the sense of freedom it gives me. It was hard hard work but worth it.

@Yuluml
“My experience of driving instructors is they want to teach you how to pass the test, not how to drive. Which IME is not the same thing. I suspect I could pass the test, with practice, but I'd still not be able to actually drive.”

This is exactly it OP, you’ve hit the nail on the head.
I have always said that the real learning comes after passing your test as you’re driving under your own steam and using your own intuition, and not relying on prompts from your instructor (and their dual brakes!)

If you think you could pass the actual test, as you say with a lot of practice - then go for it! Pass the test, then learn to drive, at your own pace! I think you may find you’ll be better than you currently believe you are, and who knows - you may even end up enjoying it.

I remember when I passed and started driving, I was overthinking everything! I used to wonder how effortless and easy everyone else made it look but honestly, it really does get that way once you get the hang of it.
If you are in the position of being able to have a lot of practice with your DH, then that will help so much in building your confidence.

Don’t give up if you really want to pass OP. I wish you all the best.

Hi OP,

It took me 11 - yes ELEVEN - attempts to pass my driving test but I did eventually and I’m not the worst driver on the roads by a long way!

I too struggled (and still do struggle) judging things like distance and space however I found a way round this by doing things “by numbers” rather than my feel”. My biggest advice is to learn a rote way of doing things like parallel parking like lining up the line on the passenger window with the rear of the car in front and then counting steering wheel turns.

I actually CAN do things by feel now but to start I had to learn to do it by numbers. I too feel like I am fundamentally missing a spatial part of my brain, can’t read a map, couldn’t comprehend how a flipping bifold door would open on my downstairs loo.

Please don’t give up - 4 tests is nothing and driving is life changing!

I’m the same. I can drive but feel so nervous about it and I make some sort of minor cock up every time - thankfully none dangerous so far, but I always feel like it could easily be.

I am so aware of the damage a driving error could cause. I think people who learn in their teens/20s are just more oblivious to risk which helps them get past this stage.

I will literally organise life around not driving. It’s ridiculous. I have to do a small local drive tomorrow- but one I’ve not done before - and am dreading it.

I don’t have any suggestions sorry but glad not to be alone.

I'm not a natural driver, I too struggle with spacial awareness, and I passed my test late at 35. But it does come with practice, or at least it did to me. I was an incredibly nervous and shockingly bad driver to start with, but 13 years later I'm pretty competent, I'll drive anywhere, I've driven vans and left hand drivers, and am having to keep my girl racing tenancies in check.

I live in the West Midlands and I failed 6 times and passed on my 7th. It took me from June 2017 to September 2018 to do but I did it. I’d been learning for years on and off and my instructor said to me I can see that you can drive and I know you know what your doing but it’s putting it all together so I got my own car did lessons with my mum and I then did my test in my car and I passed. I mean I had the same female instructor 4 times in a row and she was hell. The kart two was the same male too but he was lovely! I only failed my first test for going round a corner too wide.

My point is don’t give up keep going my old manager did hers in 14 attempts!! Never give up ir you really want something

@AllOfThemWitches I drive to the gym. It’s a 30 minute walk from my house so my one hour workout would suddenly take two which I don’t have time for in the evenings. I imagine most people are the same

My Dads cousin failed his test 9 times but he carried on and did pass. He is a dentist so definitely a clever man. It really has nothing to do with brains it’s just one of those things that comes natural to some please and not to others. Do NOT give up. Keep going and practice all the time. I wasn’t safe on the road when I passed my test if I am being completely honest. I used to hyperventilate at the thought of turning right. You are not on your own, you will get there I promise. Buy a small car and drive every day- that’s what got me through my test.

Please don't be hard on yourself, it most definitely is NOT pathetic, trust me. There are countless people in the same situation. Unfortunately, not everyone is suited to driving as it does require a specific set of skills. However, this doesn't mean that you won't ever be able to pass your test. You may just need a little longer to get there, so don't give up!

I've given up on the idea of ever driving, and I'm in my 50s. Like you OP I just don't think I would be safe - I can't judge distance or speed, and it takes me a while to process information. When you're going round a huge roundabout or on a motorway those couple of seconds of lagging processing could kill someone.

I can read a map very well, and can build flat packs. I do think I'm very possibly dyspraxic though.

I don't really know why, but I went from extreme driving anxiety to something suddenly clicking and actually enjoying driving. Some of the things that helped were - driving familiar but challenging routes (so a 2 hour drive including motorways), getting an automatic, and taking the pressure off with parking (my weakest skill).

Best of luck x

By the way op never call yourself pathetic. Fuck mumsnetters who go on and on about driving. You are NOT pathetic and you will have skills and abilities that others don’t have. Get your chin back up and talk yourself up because calling yourself pathetic is not going help and will send you down a self defeatist spiral. You can do this and it doesn’t matter how many attempts you make.

Fuck mumsnetters who go on and on about driving

It does seem to be a 'thing' on here.

'AIBU to date a convicted drug dealer, he doesn't work or drive but he treats me like a princess?'

MN: 'run for the hills, life's too short to date a non driver!'

OP I felt exactly like you when I got my licence (a total fluke btw - even my instructor was shocked I passed 🤣). 20 years later and I absolutely love driving and drive anywhere and everywhere. It all comes with experience. I always used to tell myself that if my idiot ex-husband could drive literally ANYONE could 😉

OP, I had trouble with spatial awareness and severe anxiety when learning to drive. Might sound odd, but the thing that helped me massively was watching videos on YouTube of people driving and showing it from the drivers perspective from a go pro camera. It takes the anxiety away as you’re not under any pressure, you’re just getting used to distance, lane discipline and getting over your anxiety in a safe way. It’s like a form of exposure therapy. Just keep watching them and instructor videos that talk you through manoeuvres etc. Watch them over and over again until you learn. Good luck 🙂

@AllOfThemWitches absolutely! It’s no wonder some people’s confidence is shot to
pieces.

I’m the same OP. It makes me laugh on mumsnet because not being able to drive is a moral failing, like being a pervert or enjoying double carbs in a meal or whatever other mad shit they say is wrong on this hellsite.

Fuck them all, I say. I live in zone 2 and never intend to leave because the Piccadilly line is fucking brilliant. The car mad bastards are all destroying the planet anyway.

I didn't think I'd be safe on the roads. I needed to drive for work. I took 5 tests and still didn't feel comfortable. What changed things for me was doing a pass plus course. When you pass I would thoroughly recommend doing that. Oh and stop the nerves by getting a prescription for beta blockers. Don't fanny around with bananas or rescue remedy as is often recommended.

The more you expose yourself to it - even if it takes ages, the more your brain will strengthen the connection and it will just click. You need to do it in a way when your anxiety isn’t heightened though because you can’t learn when you’re anxious or frustrated, that’s why the videos are a good idea 🙂

Remember you are good enough to get to test standard so you CAN drive.

Would it help you psychologically to treat a test as another lesson? So for example say your test is next Monday, book the following two lessons, and make a note of when you can apply for your next test? So go into it with the expectation of getting feedback from an examiner so you’ve got something to focus on in your next lesson? And book each test with only feedback in mind, not passing?

Also, don’t tell anyone when you’ve got a test booked. Because it’s not actually a test, it’s just another lesson, right?!

In all honesty, driving in the UK isn't a walk in the park compared to Australia, where I grew up (and learnt to drive on parents farm when I was 10). I had the luxury of learning on open relatively empty roads, and am in awe of anyone who's done it in the Uk!