I can't drive and it's pathetic

[Yuluml]

Just that. I'm 36 years old, can't drive. Grew up in London so never needed to drive there, then we moved away (though I can still get by where I live now with public transport), then I thought I'd better learn once I had DC 8 years ago. No go. I've done manual, I've done automatic. I've failed four tests now for pretty minor things basically out of nerves but I'm grateful I failed because I literally do not feel safe on the road. I cannot judge distance. I can't park because I don't understand how to judge space. I can't read a map properly either and wonder if I'm missing some sort of fundamental part of my brain, because I'm not stupid - I have two degrees, I hold down a fairly high level professional job. How is that that I cannot master this basic life skill?! People tend to assume it's just nerves or anxiety but it isn't - I feel like I fundamentally lack a component of my brain that would enable me to drive competently.

I feel I've tried everything at this point and I just don't want to do it any more, lessons are £40 an hour where I live and I just feel done with it. Even if I passed my test and was able to do small local journies there's just no way in hell I'd ever be able to drive on the motorway or anything, because I can't judge distance safely enough to merge or to overtake and so on.

Just wanted to rant about it TBH because I feel pathetic - everyone else can do this, why can't I? When I tell people about this IRL they say oh just go for an automatic license, any idiot can drive an automatic! Then they don't believe me when I say I've already tried and I can't.

Sending solidarity OP, really relate to this. I can drive, have done for years but I stay very local - literally the town where I live.

Any further and my anxiety sky rockets. I go from a calm, competent driver to a sweaty wreck worried about causing a major incident due to my complete incompetence behind the wheel. Literally on any route with difficult roundabouts/ junctions / motorways etc I don’t know. Complete refusal here to attempt these as have x2 DD and no way in hell will have them in the car with me when practising my driving.

Family and partner have always been hugely supportive and totally accept it. When I make new friends, I drop in fairly early on ‘I don’t like driving to places I don’t know’ (in context obviously). No, I won’t be joining you on a trip to Legoland during the summer hols. Maybe things will change for me one day but I’m mid-30’s and I’ve felt this way for a long time now (just to add, anxiety extends to some, but not all areas of my life. Mostly the fear or failure / making mistakes etc)

Out of interest, OP, are you left handed?

I really like this. Thank you.

I'm 49. I have two degrees, one from Cambridge, and I can't drive. Well, I can, but clearly not well enough to pass any of the 8 tests I sat ... in an automatic!
Growing up, I was known in my family as the clever one who had no common sense. I'm pretty sure I'm dyspraxic. I have always felt shit about myself for not driving - not helped by some of the attitudes on here towards non drivers - but I really did try and wasn't good enough. I also hated driving lessons, which probably didn't help.

I can't drive either. I did lessons and took a test but I failed. Didn't have the urge to keep going. I don't need to drive to work and rarely need a car at the weekend, so in hindsight I'm glad I didn't pass as I would have only used the car once or twice month and it would be a complete waste of time, and I'd be nervous behind the wheel driving so infrequently.
I cycle a lot and so do my DCs, so we aren't reliant on a car even though we can use my parents car anytime we like as they live on the same street and hardly use it. DH can drive but he cycles too, and the car only gets used once in awhile to take DS to a cricket match or running race.
We are not dependent on anyone for lifts day to day.
I'd rather nervous drivers not be driving tbh, there's some pretty bad drivers out there ( actually most drivers are taking liberties and not following the highway code after passing their test).
My mum had to take her test 9 times and she's a nightmare on the road. I always refuse lifts from her for me and the kids, I'd rather walk or cycle.

And if I could change anything about my life, it would be to have done it at 17. Would've been in the early 90s when everyone passed!
Instead I left it too late. But even as a young 'un, I had absolutely no inclination.

I think it's true that not everyone can drive but doubly true that not everyone over 17 can drive .
It's your age because you think you are invincible when you are 17 so you learn quicker .

Everyone I know who tried to drive later on either can't or is shocking

I know all the replies along these lines are well meant but I completely disagree with them!

For some people driving is impossible (or virtually impossible) and the best solution may well be for OP to accept this and work around it.

I finally passed my test in my thirties, on my 8th attempt. Over the next few years I tried to drive as everyone said ‘just practice, do it and it’ll get easier’. It didn’t. I was nervous all the time, and just knowing I was going to drive somewhere the next day would make me feel anxious.

With the best will in the world I am just not a driver. In the same way I’m not a talented artist or a fast sprinter. Yes I can practice and become less bad at driving but I don’t feel that being ‘less bad’ is good enough when it comes to controlling a massive metal machine that can kill people.

I strongly suspect I have dyspraxia and that’s a factor in my lack of driving ability.

And so for some people I think the most sensible way forward is to accept you’re not a driver and plan your life around that fact. But only the OP can know if this applies - maybe she is one of the people who just needs to practice driving.

I firmly believe that if possible, people should learn to drive as soon as they can. Both of ours learned as soon as they turned 17.

It becomes harder the older you get.

I passed at 36, it took me 2 lessons a week for 4.5 years. Cost a fortune!
I felt I had no spatial awareness either, I solved that by getting a small car so I could focus on logic - "the BMW ahead of me can get through that gap so I can too" - even though my brain was telling me I wouldn't fit through.

I moved somewhere rural a few years ago and it's only now I drive 3+ days a week that I am a fully confident driver, driving to the supermarket once a week wasn't enough and I used to really worry about going anywhere else. You have to do it often enough to enjoy ti and feel reasonably good at it.

Keep at it, it sounds like your confidence is in bits, but as a PP said, if you are at test standard then you CAN drive, you just need to do it in the nerve-wracking test scenario.

It’s practice - it comes naturally to some people and not to others, but you’ll get it eventually.

You’ll be safe on the road once you’ve had practice.

You need to be really kind to yourself when you’re learning something new, especially when it’s not a natural skill and you’ve built up anxiety.

You need to start doing all the driving with your DH in the passenger seat - start with local runs and build up. Keep at the weekly lessons and just accept it might be a year of this before you do your test, by which time you will be both proficient and bored.

Lots of people feel they aren’t safe on the road when they pass (for the very good reason they aren’t very - you learn to drive after your test not before), but as a MA Woman I can tell you you are the safest kind of new driver there is.

Talk to your DH and hatch a plan. Stop telling yourself you aren’t safe - with kindness there is nothing special about you, and you are drifting into drama Queen territory. Feelings aren’t facts - with practice you will be grand.

I'm 38 and simply can't afford to learn to drive. It's shit but it's out of my control.

A lot of the time this is true, but there is a lot of skills that I found difficult to grasp in my teens and younger that just ‘clicked’ as I aged, to the point I couldn’t understand why I struggled before. It’s proven now that the brain has the ability to keep rewiring throughout life. It’s never too late to learn.

@UpperLowerMiddleClass you have articulated almost precisely how I feel. I passed my test on the third attempt in my 20s but just couldn't get comfortable with driving. I'm now 45 and haven't driven for 10 years as I just don't feel good enough on the road in charge of a vehicle.

My younger brother has a diagnosis of dyspraxia, I don't, but I struggle with left/right and spacial awareness.

I'm nearly 38 and same. I have promised to give learning another go for the sake of my poor husband who does all the driving. But I am hopeless at it. I recognise myself in everything you said. I don't really understand why, but somehow behind I lose all my usual sense of my surroundings. I can't tell if I'm on a slight slope, for instance. Driving makes me so anxious, and that's not me generally. I'm planning on having some hypnosis therapy before I start, doing an intensive course to attempt to overcome the nerves through sheet hours of driving, and learning in an automatic only for ease. Still shitting it.

I’m mid 40s and can’t drive. Was in a very serious crash as a passenger at 17 so then didn’t learn. Then moved to London. Have had various attempts over the years but never got as far as a test! I had had quite a sustained period of lessons but then covid happened.

mom thinking of trying again - only problem is I’m a single parent and no one to practice with so will have to be all lessons which is expensive ( and I’d need child care!).

I was thinking of doing an intensive course - not to pass but maybe as a start so I got to practice lots at the beginning and then move to lessons? Does anyone know of that would be helpful? Or do you really have to be pretty good before the intensive?

I learnt in my 40s. My instructor said it takes about 2 years to learn to drive after passing your test. I hate driving anywhere new, roundabouts with traffic lights scare the sh*t out of me and I hate motorways.

This is why I think everyone should learn as soon as they are 17.
I absolutely agree though that passing a test is just the start. I passed 6 weeks after my 17th birthday in 1975. No way was I a competent driver but they put you in for the test on the first lesson then.
To this day I find motorway driving stressful but when DC went to uni I got used to driving them up and down.
We live in the sticks and DC were both behind a wheel on their 17th birthday.
You can always get more lessons / coaching after you pass the test. I paid for DC to get motorway driving lessons after their tests.

i passed my test age 19 I think but then didn’t drive again properly until my mid 30s. I tried several times to pick it up but absolutely hated it. We now live in a city where it’s helpful to drive, so 18 months ago we got a car and I’ve been driving ever since. I had real anxiety before most drives back then. I scraped the car parking, I needed help navigating and my mum even offered to come with me on “long” (25 min!! Ha) drives as i really felt I needed it. With each drive, each week, each month, I’ve got better and better and now I do enjoy inner city driving (still not keen on motorways but happily do merging and ring road stuff as long as it’s not too long) and I am so much better at parallel parking I don’t recognise myself.
You can get there. The navigation / sense of direction - not sure I have this either but that’s what satnav is for.

I started driving lessons at 17 and aged 42 still can’t drive, might try again soon if I can find an instructor who has availability.

However not driving is not a failure, the fact that the country is set up for people to drive indicates the country is an abject failure. The only people who should be driving are those who live and work very rurally. Driving should be prohibitively expensive and shamed. When people drive to places we should judge them. Public transport should be affordable, subsidised and normal. We should all be living and working within communities where we can walk or bus or train to the activities, shops and work. Our driving culture destroys the planet, promotes obesity and isolates the elderly and many of those with disabilities

Drop the shame and decide whether driving is something that in your individual situation, in our failing society, you feel is worth pursuing and if it isn’t then just don’t. Live your life without driving. Remember the inconvenience is the fault of society not you and spend the saved money on living your car free life more conveniently (a cargo bike?, occasional taxis)

My mum only learned to drive after having children. She failed 13 tests and passed on the 14th. But she never liked driving, and was never particularly good at it - it was a necessary evil that allowed her to do the weekly shop and ferry her DC about, but she had a few accidents and several near misses. Any long distance or motorway driving was done by my dad.
Not having anywhere to drive to during Covid killed off the last shreds of her confidence/ ability and now in her 70s she doesn't drive at all - my dad takes her everywhere. I don't know what she'll do if he dies first.
But this thread has been eye opening. I always admired her perseverance in getting her licence, but have been quite frustrated with her for suddenly quitting now. I didn't realise the anxiety it causes some people, but I can imagine she would be someone who would lie awake worrying about a drive she had to do 2 days in the future. Thanks to those who have shared here I'll be more patient with her now.

I also struggle with spacial awareness. Parking sensors have helped a lot but I still don't really have a sense of how close I can drive past a row of cars without clipping their wing mirrors etc so I leave a very wide berth. Trial and error can be a great way to learn, but not on the roads.

I have found that people who find learning stuff easy grow very impatient with themselves when they suddenly find learning to drive difficult. I was like that. Never had to try hard to learn anything but here was this skill that l just found incredibly difficult to master. I had absolutely no idea what happens when you drive a car. My brothers seem to be born knowing but for me l had to learn every bit. My dad thought l would never manage it but 35 years since l passed l am driving everywhere..never give it one thought. And l actually taught ds after he had his lessons. Drove everyday with him until he passed his test, first time. I think it's important to see that while others struggle at reading or Maths our struggle is driving. In school everyone must persevere and it's the same with driving. We need to recognise that we are in the special needs category with this and that's OK. But don't give up. Just improve a tiny bit at a time and the tip about utube is useful as we need to learn every step and can't afford to jump over any one. But it's worth it for independence and freedom. Keep going.

I’ve never nodded along more vigorously to a message on Mumsnet. I feel exactly the same. I never got as far as you though, I have driven a car once and it was at a school activity.

I feel like I lack the basic competence to drive. People think I’m being over the top and dramatic but I really struggle with distance like you. Even in my day to day life I misjudge distances and gaps when trying to walk through spaces or manoeuvre around things.

I just don’t understand lots of driving situations. Like I know with roundabouts you give way to your right but if it were me I know I would mess it up and get confused. Sometimes when I am in the passenger seat I imagine I am driving and it terrifies me - I just don’t understand basic things about how junctions work, which traffic lights are for which lane, what road markings mean. I only live in a small town but some of the bigger junctions scare me, I just wouldn’t know how to safely negotiate them. I hold down a responsible job but do lack common sense on lots of areas.

I know it’s a bit of a hot topic at the minute but I found myself liking post after post on Instagram about ADHD and I really think I do have ADD. It makes me think maybe there is a reason I just feel I can’t do it and it’s not for me.

True. Like loads of things. Much easier to learn when you are younger.

There is much less fear and apprehension when you're say under 20.