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Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
SheRaaaaa · 02/08/2023 17:02

Some of these are madness 😂

heymammy · 02/08/2023 17:05

In a previous job any documents emailed to us had to be printed out and put in a pile to be actioned once a week, then, once actioned, scanned back in and electronically filed. Print outs were shredded.

Utter madness

Medusaismyhero · 02/08/2023 17:07

I can't compete with most of these but I did once work somewhere the boss insisted we empty the crumb tray of the staff toaster on every shift and sign a checklist to say we'd done so (along with 100 other random tasks like dusting fire extinguishers).

On one occasion he pulled me in to ask why I hadn't signed the list to say I emptied the crumb tray on my overnight shift. I explained that I'd been the only person in the building, hadn't used the toaster and had watched my colleague empty it at the end of their shift during our handover. Therefore it didn't need doing. There were no crumbs to empty. He insisted I still should have signed to confirm I'd emptied it. So like then? No. Apparently I should have emptied the (already empty) crumb tray if the toaster and signed his checklist to confirm my (completely pointless) activity.

Medusaismyhero · 02/08/2023 17:08

*lie even, not like.

mimiku · 02/08/2023 17:08

givemushypeasachance · 02/08/2023 12:26

Civil service. The hiring/firing arrangements are byzantine - it's very difficult to get rid of someone who is not good at their job, that's well known. But equally it's very difficult to hire new people!

We have someone substantively on our small team, who is currently working for another team instead. That is a maternity leave cover, but the maternity leave person is themselves on a temporary promotion, covering someone else who is also on a temporary promotion, covering for someone who is leading a project. It's like a conveyancing chain of madness. Anyway, we can't replace the dude on our team permanently as he's ostensibly going to come back, and no one around is suitable to do it as a TP or transfer, so we'd like to get an agency person in. It has taken months to run recruitment and the agency person still can't start as we can't get the appropriate CRB sorted for some reason between the agency and our HR dept. It's a bloody faff. We just need another warm body at this point, anyone!

Oh my god this. And even when people have acted up for 2-3 years, if the position becomes permanent they still have to interview for it even though they’ve literally been doing the job. Crazy.

UnDruidlyWords · 02/08/2023 17:08

Oh yes, forgot this one. As well as some gardening, next week I shall be showing a man of 61 how to sew on buttons, as he's never learned and has a lot of shirts with missing buttons. Whatever 😂

Dorisbonson · 02/08/2023 17:10

Firm will never say anyone is leaving, there are no leaving drinks and you are not allowed to tell people until the last day. The only way we know people have gone is when their number is deleted from the work WhatsApp group. Staff turnover is approaching 50% a year. No one in HR has actual HR experience they are the CEOs groupies.

Work parties most consist of Quizzes with the CEO winning or karaoke parties where the CEO sings most frequently surrounded by fawning groupies.

The firm is actually dog eat dog and the worst most toxic people get promoted. Horrid culture. Can't wait to leave.

Charlize43 · 02/08/2023 17:12

UnDruidlyWords · 02/08/2023 17:08

Oh yes, forgot this one. As well as some gardening, next week I shall be showing a man of 61 how to sew on buttons, as he's never learned and has a lot of shirts with missing buttons. Whatever 😂

I think that's lovely. 💐

At least your assortment of jobs involve helping people and are worthwhile.

MayBe6 · 02/08/2023 17:12

In my previous job I worked in local government. Due to procurement contracts we were never able to buy what we needed at a good price and I cringed every time we needed something replacing, for example we needed a new laminator, I found one on Amazon for about £90 and a very similar one was being sold via the contract provider for £650, we had to buy the £650 one. Absolute frivolous bureaucracy, and to think this money wasting happens in all of these large organisations just because they put stationery contracts out to tender and will only use one company.

NumberFortyNorhamGardens · 02/08/2023 17:13

Some of the children who come into our stores are apparently so feral that they have been known to leave, erm, DNA evidence in the display loos in the showrooms.

Not at our branch thankfully. Yet.

UnDruidlyWords · 02/08/2023 17:16

Charlize43 · 02/08/2023 17:12

I think that's lovely. 💐

At least your assortment of jobs involve helping people and are worthwhile.

True. I really enjoy the randomness of what I'm asked to do and I like helping people so it works out pretty well.

Charlize43 · 02/08/2023 17:16

MayBe6 · 02/08/2023 17:12

In my previous job I worked in local government. Due to procurement contracts we were never able to buy what we needed at a good price and I cringed every time we needed something replacing, for example we needed a new laminator, I found one on Amazon for about £90 and a very similar one was being sold via the contract provider for £650, we had to buy the £650 one. Absolute frivolous bureaucracy, and to think this money wasting happens in all of these large organisations just because they put stationery contracts out to tender and will only use one company.

Isn't this what's bleeding the NHS dry?

I'd love to know who these 'approved contractors' are and who is really behind them.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/08/2023 17:18

I had a manager who instead of handing me memos and the like would read them to me as if I were a child - then hand them to me to be actioned so I had to read them anyway.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 02/08/2023 17:19

Droppit · 02/08/2023 11:40

People at my work use the hot water tap to fill the work kettle. I find this very wrong 😅

Some people at mine do that too. Just why?

BriannaBurlesque · 02/08/2023 17:19

First day in new job, small team of 5.

Colleague, in hushed tones:
"Keith's egg break is always at 11 sharp. All hell breaks loose, otherwise"

Me:
"Um...egg break? What's th.."

<Colleague interrupted by phone>.

Turns out "Keith's egg break" was Keith needing alone time in the lunch room, to eat a daily hard-boiled egg.

Except he wasn't called Keith. He was Nigel. And had worked there for 2 months.

Madness.

Id578 · 02/08/2023 17:20

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 12:24

there's a ridiculous amount of people trying to prove their 'busyness' so I am responsible for 1 thing, totally my role, but some eager beaver emails someone else about it, who emails me, and then someone else does the same thing ad infitum.

I have already done what needs to be done without including a cast of thousands and the people who need to know, know. Pisses me right off.

There is also a rumour that glasses from the kitchen are being taken into the bathrooms for bumwashing purposes. Needless to say I use my own water bottle.

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

For bumwashing?!
What kind of job is this?

Gherkingreen · 02/08/2023 17:21

@mimiku yup, that madness has led to me leaving a job in the past. Was on a short term secondment that turned into 4 years with no sign of a permanent position despite promise after promise - performance was excellent, skilled, experienced, etc. So I left for an excellent permanent role. Shoddy employment practices by anyone's standards, but you'd think a trade union would know better.

cuckyplunt · 02/08/2023 17:22

Out HR Manager was concerned about milk disappearing out of the fridge on the nightshift.. so he hid overnight it in a cupboard.. at room temperature.

RattleRattle · 02/08/2023 17:22

This reply has been deleted

This user is a goady troll so we've removed their posts.

redstarsatnight · 02/08/2023 17:24

I work as a bank, meant to be temp to perm. Offered perm role big fan fare in Feb. Yea Feb.
Come August I am having to draft role profile to go through pre approval to HR meant to take another 4 months (?) and needs to go on internal and external job sites first.

What a joke. Apparently everything super slow at this bank. Imagine Ill be moving on by the time I get any pension or holiday pay ...!!

TrundleWheel76 · 02/08/2023 17:25

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

😆😆😆

Scousebloke · 02/08/2023 17:29

TheBloatedMiddle · 02/08/2023 12:54

I once got a warning letter for starting a mass e-mail with 'Dear Colleagues'. It was to staff members of all ranks in the organisation inviting them to a meeting.

My boss initiated the warning letter and said that he was in no way my colleague, he was my Superior.

Fine.

He also telephoned my landlady (who he knew through friends but not directly) to ask her if I routinely had men to stay in the apartment.

I complained about that but no warning letter went his direction. Hmm

4 years of fucking misery in that job.

Did you though ?

RedCocaCola · 02/08/2023 17:30

Work for a large organisation (over 1500) with lots of people on high salaries. The target for a fundraising event for a charity was £200…

DemelzaRobins · 02/08/2023 17:36

About 10 years ago I briefly worked somewhere with insane micro management.

On my first day I spent most of the morning in mandatory induction. Was taken to my team around 11:30 and got told I was already very behind on the days work and would need to stay late.

All emails had to be addressed 'Dear X' and signed off with 'kind regards'. Even really casual ones from people in other teams who were allowed to say things like 'hi" and 'cheers' in their emails.

We weren't allowed to use our names, only initials. This was for absolutely everything - on my first day I took a message for my boss and left a post it saying 'hi 'name' - bob from accounts rang and asked if you could call him back today. Thanks, Demelza'. She gave me a public dressing down for wasting work time writing her (3 letters long) name and writing my own name instead of using our initials.

Someone else already had the initials 'DR" so I had to use 'DRo' to distinguish myself from the other person, including when emailing customers etc. I kept forgetting, typing 'Demelza' automatically and then spending time deleting it to replace with 'DRo'. To this day, I hate seeing people sign off with just an initial - takes me right back.

We weren't allowed to eat at our desks and had to ask permission to leave our desks. We also weren't allowed to go for lunch on our own. I asked to go to lunch at 12 on my first day. Was told 'no' as no-one else wanted lunch then. I said I had to eat as my meds were due and had to be taken with food. Still no. Asked if I could leave my desk for 5 mins to have a snack and take meds. No. They wouldn't let me take lunch until nearly half 2 so my meds were well off schedule. That's the point I should have walked.

I was told not to wear my wrist splints in the office as they looked 'unprofessional' - I was told if I'd worn them at interview I wouldn't have been hired.

I had to do drinks runs (we were only allowed drinks purchased on site from lidded cups and also couldn't get them as and when, we had to wait for everyone else to want a drink'. Everyone ordered two drinks at a time - water plus various teas, coffees etc. Some decaff, some with milk, some with sugar. I wrote down the order as there were about 8 of us. Was told not to 'boss doesn't like people writing it down, she wants people to remember'.

I was also told off for penciling initials on the (disposable) cups so I'd know which black coffee was decaff, which had sugar, etc. Again, boss 'doesn't like that'.

I asked for help carrying the 14 drinks up 4 flights of stairs as I'm disabled, wobbly on my feet and had wrist splints for a reason and would struggle. Refused.

I had a panic attack on the morning of day 2. A worse one on the morning of day 3. I quit on day 4. Wish I'd walked out on day 1.

It's honestly the worst place I've ever worked.

JudgeJ · 02/08/2023 17:40

PuttingDownRoots · 02/08/2023 12:17

DH is currently working on a Navy base.
They act like its an actual ship... the gate is called the Gangplank, leaving is called going ashore, when he started he was welcomed On-board... the CO is piped aboard each day....

But that's the way the Navy do things, a shore base is treated as though it's a ship. When my first baby was born in a Royal Navy Hospital my room was referred to as a cabin, never thought it was odd.

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