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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
Oopsididitagaintomorrow · 02/08/2023 23:07

BlowDryRat · 02/08/2023 14:36

Is her name Elle Woods?

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Do you work in an accountants?

littlegreydevil · 02/08/2023 23:07

I think I can beat all the printed emails… about 10 years ago I temped for a mergers and acquisitions firm (big bucks!) where the CEO would want me to print… websites! Yep, I had to go through all the webpages and print them all off then put them in a folder for him to look at on the train.
At my current workplace, there is an ongoing battle over a washing up bowl. CEO is pretty much the only person who wants it, most other people think it’s grim. It’s left to fill up throughout the day with people’s dregs of tea/coffee and particles of food that have been left on plates and it’s revolting. When it’s not in the sink, people tend to just do their dishes rather than hiding them in the murky water of the bowl. So a few of us regularly empty the bloody thing and chuck it in the cupboard. We even managed to hide it for nearly a month but CEO then made the PA buy a new one!

Oopsididitagaintomorrow · 02/08/2023 23:07

@BlowDryRat sorry quoted wring bit!

TaylorSwiftFan · 02/08/2023 23:08

VictoriaPlummm · 02/08/2023 13:05

I previously worked for a well-known insurance company. They were batshit crazy. They took controlling and micromanaging to a new level.

Take more than 3-4 minutes to pop to the loo and you'll find your team leader at your desk tapping their watch when you return, demanding you explain your toilet issues to the whole team (time of the month, dodgy curry the night before, nothing was off-limits) and it was all noted down and thrown in your face a month later at your one-to-one. My team leader actually told me once "You should get a coil fitted so your periods dont interfere with work so much" (never once had any time off with periods; just needed to pop to the loo a few times a day during working hours!)

"Enforced Fun" was another one; management would make the whole team take an hour off to go for a meal for "team cohesion", which just caused stress and anxiety as its not like anyone else would be covering our duties while we're gone. As you're all leaving, the managers enforcing the "fun" will make snide comments about "Making sure all work is completed" even though they're literally not letting us do any work. We had to pay for these meals out of our own pockets, nobody wanted to go, the atmosphere would be tense and steessy because all we could think of was the work piling up back in the office. Those days always ended in the whole team staying till 6-7pm (for zero recognition or overtime pay) to get everything done and avoid a bollocking at your next one-to-one.

When I see job adverts for this company preaching about their "values" I LOL. They are literally lunatics.

@VictoriaPlummm this is awful!

Misty84 · 02/08/2023 23:09

VictoriaPlummm · 02/08/2023 13:05

I previously worked for a well-known insurance company. They were batshit crazy. They took controlling and micromanaging to a new level.

Take more than 3-4 minutes to pop to the loo and you'll find your team leader at your desk tapping their watch when you return, demanding you explain your toilet issues to the whole team (time of the month, dodgy curry the night before, nothing was off-limits) and it was all noted down and thrown in your face a month later at your one-to-one. My team leader actually told me once "You should get a coil fitted so your periods dont interfere with work so much" (never once had any time off with periods; just needed to pop to the loo a few times a day during working hours!)

"Enforced Fun" was another one; management would make the whole team take an hour off to go for a meal for "team cohesion", which just caused stress and anxiety as its not like anyone else would be covering our duties while we're gone. As you're all leaving, the managers enforcing the "fun" will make snide comments about "Making sure all work is completed" even though they're literally not letting us do any work. We had to pay for these meals out of our own pockets, nobody wanted to go, the atmosphere would be tense and steessy because all we could think of was the work piling up back in the office. Those days always ended in the whole team staying till 6-7pm (for zero recognition or overtime pay) to get everything done and avoid a bollocking at your next one-to-one.

When I see job adverts for this company preaching about their "values" I LOL. They are literally lunatics.

This is so awful!!😱

Charlotteowensdodgydad · 02/08/2023 23:10

I literally nurse my computer rather than my patient. If you came onto our unit you see most of us staring at a computer. What’s even more frustrating is that you are ticking boxes to confirm you have done things that you are struggling to do because you are on the bl*y computer all the time.

TennisWithDeborah · 02/08/2023 23:25

Misty84 · 02/08/2023 23:09

This is so awful!!😱

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I agree, awful. If I knew the name of the company I would be put off using it, knowing that staff are treated like this.

RumNotRun · 02/08/2023 23:28

I once worked for a tiny IT company - 3 engineers, the owner, and me. We hosted websites amongst other things. One morning all the servers went down. I'm ok with computers but not techy stuff like servers. For some reason I was the only one in, so the owner phoned me to go into the server room and try to work out with him what the issue was. We weren't even on a video call so I was trying to explain what lights were on on which metal box thing etc to try to get everything working again. I think one of the engineers happened to come back early so I could happily go back to my own work.

Same company, we moved offices. The owner (and his very domineering wife) decided that to save money, we would do the move ourselves. We had to pack up the entire office, dismantle furniture, load it all into vans and then set it all back up in the new place. This was after we'd finished for the day.

fancreek · 02/08/2023 23:32

chatw0o0 · 02/08/2023 12:43

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

@cocksstrideintheevening - I'm sure I can even hear that annoying sound when my laptop is switched OFF! 😣

You guys know you can turn this off, right?

Hawkins009 · 02/08/2023 23:41

PriamFarrl · 02/08/2023 23:02

What is this thread? How did I miss it? I spent all day on MN today.

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Apparently it got pulled by mumsnet

However if my intelligence is correct and the grade of intelligence is good then this may be the opening op

"Starting my new graduate job tomorrow. To say im excited is an understatement! I just graduated as an accountant and have been looking forward to this all summer.

i have everything all ready for tomorrow. My outfit is pressed and hanging up. My hair is ready and currently in rollers (incredibly uncomfortable to sleep in but hey worth it!!!) I’ve got my notes and work things all packed. I was unbelievably excited and went to town when preparing- I think I bought the entirety of whsmith!!! my bag is filled with rainbow highlighters, pens, colourful notebooks, clipboards, my iPad and so on. All unnecessary but I was so excited and I love this kind of thing. I got my lashes done yesterday in preparation and my nails were done today. I have my Starbucks cup in my kitchen and my caramel latte mix beside it all ready to mix up in the morning. I’m sure you get the picture by now- I’m so excited!

but my boyfriend scoffed and said I’m going to look ridiculous and everyone will laugh at me. Honestly, I’m not going to go in and flaunt bright pink highlighters in the office but all my friends are the same and I assumed all people my age were like this- just really excited to get started in our first ‘big girl’ jobs after uni and we got the full works for it and if that meant highlighters, pens, notes, binders in an array of colours and sparkles does it really matter?! He said they will think I’m an idiot but we are allowed to wear whatever we want as long as it’s smart and colours are allowed- I’ve got a smart casual style pink boucle matching set and I’m in love with it but he has completely taken the wind out of my sails now. My hair, nails, lashes, bright clothes and colourful stationary wasn’t exactly a problem when I graduated as top in my entire year in uni so not sure what it has to do with anything, but now I’m lying here thinking about it all and I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me a bit. Am I going to make a complete full of myself and will everyone laugh at me?"

TaylorSwiftFan · 02/08/2023 23:42

DemelzaRobins · 02/08/2023 17:36

About 10 years ago I briefly worked somewhere with insane micro management.

On my first day I spent most of the morning in mandatory induction. Was taken to my team around 11:30 and got told I was already very behind on the days work and would need to stay late.

All emails had to be addressed 'Dear X' and signed off with 'kind regards'. Even really casual ones from people in other teams who were allowed to say things like 'hi" and 'cheers' in their emails.

We weren't allowed to use our names, only initials. This was for absolutely everything - on my first day I took a message for my boss and left a post it saying 'hi 'name' - bob from accounts rang and asked if you could call him back today. Thanks, Demelza'. She gave me a public dressing down for wasting work time writing her (3 letters long) name and writing my own name instead of using our initials.

Someone else already had the initials 'DR" so I had to use 'DRo' to distinguish myself from the other person, including when emailing customers etc. I kept forgetting, typing 'Demelza' automatically and then spending time deleting it to replace with 'DRo'. To this day, I hate seeing people sign off with just an initial - takes me right back.

We weren't allowed to eat at our desks and had to ask permission to leave our desks. We also weren't allowed to go for lunch on our own. I asked to go to lunch at 12 on my first day. Was told 'no' as no-one else wanted lunch then. I said I had to eat as my meds were due and had to be taken with food. Still no. Asked if I could leave my desk for 5 mins to have a snack and take meds. No. They wouldn't let me take lunch until nearly half 2 so my meds were well off schedule. That's the point I should have walked.

I was told not to wear my wrist splints in the office as they looked 'unprofessional' - I was told if I'd worn them at interview I wouldn't have been hired.

I had to do drinks runs (we were only allowed drinks purchased on site from lidded cups and also couldn't get them as and when, we had to wait for everyone else to want a drink'. Everyone ordered two drinks at a time - water plus various teas, coffees etc. Some decaff, some with milk, some with sugar. I wrote down the order as there were about 8 of us. Was told not to 'boss doesn't like people writing it down, she wants people to remember'.

I was also told off for penciling initials on the (disposable) cups so I'd know which black coffee was decaff, which had sugar, etc. Again, boss 'doesn't like that'.

I asked for help carrying the 14 drinks up 4 flights of stairs as I'm disabled, wobbly on my feet and had wrist splints for a reason and would struggle. Refused.

I had a panic attack on the morning of day 2. A worse one on the morning of day 3. I quit on day 4. Wish I'd walked out on day 1.

It's honestly the worst place I've ever worked.

@DemelzaRobins that's horrendous! How long did you work there?

TaylorSwiftFan · 02/08/2023 23:43

Limth · 02/08/2023 17:56

At a place I worked at years back, there were rumours that two of the senior managers were riding each other.

Fine, just office gossip. Nothing ground-breaking. I thought it was probably true because they were quite close, quite flirty, and used to leave/arrive together.

But then I found out they were brother and sister.

Then I walked in on them fucking in the ladies toilets when I was working over-time one evening.

EnvyEnvyEnvy

Itsakitchenone · 02/08/2023 23:45

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 12:24

there's a ridiculous amount of people trying to prove their 'busyness' so I am responsible for 1 thing, totally my role, but some eager beaver emails someone else about it, who emails me, and then someone else does the same thing ad infitum.

I have already done what needs to be done without including a cast of thousands and the people who need to know, know. Pisses me right off.

There is also a rumour that glasses from the kitchen are being taken into the bathrooms for bumwashing purposes. Needless to say I use my own water bottle.

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

This made me laugh so much. Totally relate to the first paragraph (and the Ping Ping Ping!), maybe we work for the same company!

But the glasses in the toilets thing is so random it is hilarious!

BronnauMawrion · 02/08/2023 23:55

marblesthecat · 02/08/2023 16:20

Towergate? I work in insurance and have heard things about them.

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I was going to say that this sounds a lot like Hastings Direct!

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 03/08/2023 00:24

Working for a large insurance company just after leaving school in the 70s. Small department, six men and me. Every afternoon our Principal Officer would take ‘referrals’. This meant that any piece of work we were doing which we weren’t senior enough to take the final decision on had to be discussed with him. He used to call us into his office by seniority which of course meant that I was always last. He inevitably ran out of time and stopped for the day just as it was my turn. Now you would think that the next day he would start with me but no, seniority ruled again so yet again I wouldn’t get in with my referrals. When I did finally manage to get in to see him after four or five days he would bollock me for hanging on to my work for so long. Not one of those bastard arse-licking men ever suggested to him that perhaps I could go in before them so I could catch up. 🤬

FlamingoQueen · 03/08/2023 00:43

MiniPumpkin · 02/08/2023 21:56

We spend hours on end in meetings talking about how we don’t have the time do to anything. 4hours was our latest effort 😂

Sorry, but this made me laugh!

MomentOnTheLips · 03/08/2023 00:47

I work in an extremely safety conscious environment (supposedly) and we have a truck driver who understands such little English that you have to speak to his wife on the phone to translate.

The other day he was told to 'pull forwards a few inches' as he wasn't properly under the loading chute. He fully pulled out of the bay causing literally tons of cement to splosh onto the floor. Plant was then down for about two hours. 😂

I feel for the guy but it's absolute madness.

MomentOnTheLips · 03/08/2023 00:50

FlamingoQueen · 03/08/2023 00:43

Sorry, but this made me laugh!

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I've been there. Tried to tell my boss I didn't have time to go to the time management course due to a big submission deadline day after next and was declined.

JudgeRudy · 03/08/2023 01:01

Only wrong if it's from a tank (which is unlikely).

Sittingonasale · 03/08/2023 01:11

Every morning there are tons of fruit flies in the staffroom. We can't understand where they come from as they just seem to fly around the boiling water tank.

I'm about to start a new job in September too. Going from primary to secondary which will be a big change for me. I hope I survive. 😅

Sittingonasale · 03/08/2023 01:14

MomentOnTheLips · 03/08/2023 00:47

I work in an extremely safety conscious environment (supposedly) and we have a truck driver who understands such little English that you have to speak to his wife on the phone to translate.

The other day he was told to 'pull forwards a few inches' as he wasn't properly under the loading chute. He fully pulled out of the bay causing literally tons of cement to splosh onto the floor. Plant was then down for about two hours. 😂

I feel for the guy but it's absolute madness.

😂 That must be hilarious for you but poor guy!

Mine is also safety conscious ; we have a big 'Asbestos' warning sign at reception for any workmen that come in but us staff have never been told about it. Thank God I'm leaving.🤓

SheRaaaaa · 03/08/2023 01:18

Aposterhasnoname · 02/08/2023 15:44

When I first started my current job there was a chap who insisted on being the one to take notes at every single meeting, and often produced them for non meetings that he thought should be meetings . He’d write every one in the exact same style, very very formally. So we’d have a brief conversation in the office , and an hour later minutes would pop up on our email saying “Mr Bloggs proposed that we change to Tetley tea bags in the canteen, this was seconded by Miss Smith. Spend from petty cash approved by Mr Bloggs, to be actioned by Mrs Jones by close of play Friday the 31st.”

He sounds quite sensible to me, tbh.

Ladybird69 · 03/08/2023 01:34

@Iloverockntroll i think your new starter was on a thread last night asking if wearing bright colours and having bright highlighters was ok for her first day at work! She seemed very sweet. I hope her first day went well.

Nat6999 · 03/08/2023 01:47

Where I worked, we had a phantom crapper, the first person in every morning was greeted by a perfectly laid turd on the carpet. It went on for years, everyone sat in their cars until they saw the office lights come on & they knew that someone else had found it & had the job of moving it.

WinterDeWinter · 03/08/2023 01:52

Nat6999 · 03/08/2023 01:47

Where I worked, we had a phantom crapper, the first person in every morning was greeted by a perfectly laid turd on the carpet. It went on for years, everyone sat in their cars until they saw the office lights come on & they knew that someone else had found it & had the job of moving it.

Thread winner against tough competition.