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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
PinkShoelacesAndAPolkaDotVest · 02/08/2023 21:58

PinkShoelacesAndAPolkaDotVest · 02/08/2023 21:57

Yes, absolutely understand I need to do the hours I’m paid for but would like to do 4 days of 5 hours and one of 4 rather than an odd amount each day.

Show quote history

@Oldermum84 or make my contract 25 hours a week? Bonkers!

Aposterhasnoname · 02/08/2023 21:59

Mmhmmn · 02/08/2023 21:29

How and WHY would a drinking glass be used for bum washing? The mind boggles!

Show quote history

Well, in my somewhat extensive experience as a hygiene auditor it’s usually water bottles, but I can believe that glasses are used. Water is taken into to the toilet in the glass/bottle, then poured onto toilet paper in order to wash. The bottles are often hidden in the toilet, ready for reuse, inside the cistern or behind the bowl are favourite places. Often there’s two or three different bottles belonging to different people. This is extremely common and I’m stunned so many people have never heard of it. The practice stops when hoses are installed.

gooddaysarecomin · 02/08/2023 22:00

I worked in a school about 10 years ago that had a fake candle light and a photo of Princess Diana as a sort of tribute. It was really odd as she had been dead for over a decade but the head teacher was obsessed with her.
Most of the kids in the school hadn't even been born when her death occurred.

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 22:01

This thread makes so pleased I WFH full time 😂😂 however my last workplace was bloody weird. We had a calendar that everyone could access with all the organisation’s activities and important meetings on and every week we’d get a notification via email with “This week’s planner” and a link to view it live

The receptionist would still print out the planner for that week and actually POST a copy to everyone or leave it on their desks! Then she’d always moan about being overloaded with work! I once suggested she not bother with paper copies as everyone has a computer and gets it via email and she literally shouted at me! Said that it’s for if people’s computers aren’t working or they’ve lost the email

HappyHalley · 02/08/2023 22:02

Aposterhasnoname · 02/08/2023 21:59

Well, in my somewhat extensive experience as a hygiene auditor it’s usually water bottles, but I can believe that glasses are used. Water is taken into to the toilet in the glass/bottle, then poured onto toilet paper in order to wash. The bottles are often hidden in the toilet, ready for reuse, inside the cistern or behind the bowl are favourite places. Often there’s two or three different bottles belonging to different people. This is extremely common and I’m stunned so many people have never heard of it. The practice stops when hoses are installed.

Show quote history

That is fucking disgusting. I do not give a fuck about culture or behaviour, it's absolutely rank.

Allwelcone · 02/08/2023 22:02

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2023 19:16

Why? Confused

Show quote history

Coz it wastes storage space or something. New manager. Sigh. I ignored it obv.

Gnomegnomegnome · 02/08/2023 22:03

pinkgraffitirat · 02/08/2023 17:56

One of my co-workers regularly puts on a giant inflatable dinosaur costume and runs around chasing people.

(Admittedly we do work in a dinosaur museum.)

That sounds like an amazing job!

orangegato · 02/08/2023 22:04

I had to apply for my own job, didn’t get it and then train the woman who did. She still asks to shadow me (I got another promotion).

AMessageToYouRuby · 02/08/2023 22:05

SpeckledlyHen · 02/08/2023 16:41

That is excellent and I wish I had done that at the time - is it too late do you think? I am still angry at what she did and how insidious it was. I am mid 50's, very confident, had virtually the same experience in the niche industry that she did but she literally told me what to think and do. You could not reason with her, she had been there over 30 years and it was her way or the high way despite hiring talent for their experience. She ground me down to such a low level I spent the last month sobbing about it, the other colleague (albeit not truthfully I don't think as she alluded to playing the game to get out asap without serving notice) told HR it was making her so distressed she tried to take her own life.

So, HR had loads of complaints yet she is still there spreading her toxicity far and wide. It angers me so much that people are allowed to get away with it despite evidence and HR depts. They paid off me, the other lady and about 4 other women, it must be costing them a fortune.

Show quote history

@SpeckledlyHen This is such a good idea, but I think go low. I would send her a beautiful card, to the office, anonymously. Something along the lines of

Dear Former Colleague,

I wanted to write and thank you for being such a persistent cunt. Whilst it was soul destroying having to spend a single second with you, I realise now your dog shit personality and odious manner had foresight of which I can only dream.Since leaving I've gone on to find the most fantastic opportunity, with half the workload and much more pay. I even out earn you and thankfully they love me. Its a shame you're so socially and professionally dysfunctional you couldn't have just told me I was destined for better things but driving me out really was the best thing. Keep up the good work and maybe one day you'll be able to stop being quite so unhappy.

I once sent something like this (but harsher because I was very sour), knowing how much it would have annoyed her and how mortified she would have been to receive in our open plan office, I felt amazing!

msmonstera · 02/08/2023 22:05

I had a sales job as a student. I was rubbish at it so didn't last long for that reason.. and.. the day ran quite late, so when everyone came back to the office it was normally dark. People were summoned into an empty conference room where the lights were turned off and replaced with disco lights and music. There was a big bell placed on the middle of the floor. We had to stand in a circle around it and clap and whoop whilst whoever had made a sale that day had to run into the middle of the circle, 'ring the bell' then run around its perimeter and high-five everyone. It was batshit and hideous.

Another- an old boss asked me to book a flight to Venice. To the town centre. Of Venice. I explained until blood was coming out my eyes that there is no airport in the town centre of Venice, I explained Marco Polo airport and the other one and water boats. I showed a map. No. I was just incompetent. With much tutting and eye rolling.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 02/08/2023 22:07

I worked with an office Queen Bee at one of my first office jobs. She went on holiday and left a floor plan of where everything should go on her desk with the supervisor in case anything was moved. The supervisor went along with it. Pleased to report everything was how it should be when she returned.

Same job, a different woman cut out a circle of paper and handed it to the manager and told him that it was the size and shape of her areola.

I did wonder if this was standard office behaviour but I've not experienced anything similar since.

Gnomegnomegnome · 02/08/2023 22:07

BlackForestCake · 02/08/2023 21:43

Our office was freezing in the winter and despite repeated complaints nothing happened.

Eventually it got so cold that the photocopiers wouldn't boot up in the morning, and then something was done about it.

We were less important than photocopiers.

We had multiple staff collapsing due to the heat but it was only when pharmacy destroyed all of the medication in the clinic (due to the temperature) that we were allowed air conditioning.

SockQueen · 02/08/2023 22:07

I'm an NHS consultant and I can't get anyone at my work to print me an ID badge with my actual job title on it. I have had it at other hospitals so I know it's perfectly possible, but my current one just says "Sock Queen. Surgical directorate."

It's not about wanting higher status or anything, but it would be nice for patients and staff to know who they're talking too.

Also no sign of a locker for my clothes/bag any time soon.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2023 22:08

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 22:01

This thread makes so pleased I WFH full time 😂😂 however my last workplace was bloody weird. We had a calendar that everyone could access with all the organisation’s activities and important meetings on and every week we’d get a notification via email with “This week’s planner” and a link to view it live

The receptionist would still print out the planner for that week and actually POST a copy to everyone or leave it on their desks! Then she’d always moan about being overloaded with work! I once suggested she not bother with paper copies as everyone has a computer and gets it via email and she literally shouted at me! Said that it’s for if people’s computers aren’t working or they’ve lost the email

You'd be shocked at the number of times people will say 'Nobody told me, the communication in this place is terrible, the PA didn't send it to me', 'I don't have access to my emails, can you print it out for me? (often by email), 'Put this in the diary (cc'd all staff)', 'Have you added this yet?' when it's already there.

ClinkyWotsit · 02/08/2023 22:09

One of the MD’s at work really only deals in paper print outs & notepads. He’ll print out an email, amend it with pen, and grudgingly scan it and email a copy back to the sender. Can often be found in board meetings shuffling through reams and reams of paper while everyone else is clicking through a presentation onscreen. However he also runs a tight ship and knows everything he needs to know about his business so, you know, he’s doing him extremely effectively. Even if it is entirely through the medium of paper & pens.

ErrolTheDragon · 02/08/2023 22:10

The 'disappeared' thing is common if you work for some American companies - with the US staff, the laws in European countries normally mean people can't be laid off instantly here. I've seen the 'oh, I can't log in...' followed by person having meeting with a manager and then leaving with a brown box when I've been visiting US offices.

TravellingSpoon · 02/08/2023 22:13

msmonstera · 02/08/2023 22:05

I had a sales job as a student. I was rubbish at it so didn't last long for that reason.. and.. the day ran quite late, so when everyone came back to the office it was normally dark. People were summoned into an empty conference room where the lights were turned off and replaced with disco lights and music. There was a big bell placed on the middle of the floor. We had to stand in a circle around it and clap and whoop whilst whoever had made a sale that day had to run into the middle of the circle, 'ring the bell' then run around its perimeter and high-five everyone. It was batshit and hideous.

Another- an old boss asked me to book a flight to Venice. To the town centre. Of Venice. I explained until blood was coming out my eyes that there is no airport in the town centre of Venice, I explained Marco Polo airport and the other one and water boats. I showed a map. No. I was just incompetent. With much tutting and eye rolling.

The first one sounds like a Cobra Group sales job!

ThatSunCreamSmell · 02/08/2023 22:13

RuthTopp · 02/08/2023 21:58

I used to work for a small company that was run by two brothers , the head office had about 20 staff. The brothers hated each other and did not speak . One came in at around 9am and the other about 9.30 so they never really met arriving in work .

Please tell me they were the Twix brothers 😂

Stayeduptoolateagain · 02/08/2023 22:13

I worked for someone who insisted on all incoming and outgoing emails being recorded in a book, plus all of the emails being printed off and filed. Before filing, they were to be attached to the front of the hard file and put in a 'waiting bay' to be read by them and actioned. Typing was the most important job and was to be done before anything else, but so were the emails. If I was writing the emails in the book, I'd be asked why I wasn't doing the typing and vice versa. There was also a log for all incoming and outgoing calls and post. Also, the boss's tea had to be the right colour, or she'd tell you to take it back and remake it 😱

babyproblems · 02/08/2023 22:15

Ive seen it all; much less light hearted than yours that’s for sure. Cash payments which are basically fraud, children of directors living off company credit card, purchases from luxury fashion brands being put through as business expenses.
Totalky different salaries and commission schemes for employees doing the same jobs. Preferential treatment for relatives of the family who own the business.
Needless to say I’m being offered redundancy and I’m going to take it! Absolute shitshow shambles. xx

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 22:16

Merapi · 02/08/2023 14:07

I used to work in an enormous factory and there was a door along one corridor, the sign on which read:

This Door Must Be Kept Closed At All Times

….is it just me or can anyone else not see the problem with this?

Showdogworkingdog · 02/08/2023 22:17

timeafterdime · 02/08/2023 20:59

My boss cc's herself into every email she sends to someone else, seemingly unaware of the 'sent' mail folder in her email.

A colleague of mine does this. He also replies to every email you send to him with a thanks, even if it just a thanks for sending him an email. His mailbox must be permanently rammed.

Ourshoddyhouse · 02/08/2023 22:17

In old job had to answer the phone "good morning/afternoon blah blah company, worky department, how may I help you?"

We even attended a training session on it 🤣

Most customers would cut you off or not pay attention anyway.

Pedallleur · 02/08/2023 22:18

Aposterhasnoname · 02/08/2023 21:59

Well, in my somewhat extensive experience as a hygiene auditor it’s usually water bottles, but I can believe that glasses are used. Water is taken into to the toilet in the glass/bottle, then poured onto toilet paper in order to wash. The bottles are often hidden in the toilet, ready for reuse, inside the cistern or behind the bowl are favourite places. Often there’s two or three different bottles belonging to different people. This is extremely common and I’m stunned so many people have never heard of it. The practice stops when hoses are installed.

Show quote history

Still happens at the Uni I work in but some overseas students just do it because that's what they are used to. Some of them from Asia may not see a flush toilet until they get to a major airport. We have student reps who have to demonstrate flush toilets.

Ourshoddyhouse · 02/08/2023 22:19

WeetabixTowels · 02/08/2023 22:16

….is it just me or can anyone else not see the problem with this?

Show quote history

Going through said door would pose an issue if it must always be kept shut 😉