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Original poster

Please tell me batshit things about your work.

713 replies

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 02/08/2023 11:21

I am unwell and hunkering down with MN and TT for the day.

I’ve just started a new job (today is a day off), it’s all new, I’m not settling in as well as I’d like (I’ve gone from a tiny place to a HUGE one) and I’m kind of hyper-focussed on different work practices right now.

Funny stories will cheer me up.

I’ll start.

At my new work they use poly pockets/polywallets UPSIDE-DOWN!

They go in upside-down and they slide the paperwork upwards into it.

I find it so, so weird. Each time I look at them I’m like, WTAF?

Anyway, that’s mine. Please share yours. Entertain me with batshitness. I beg you.

OP posts:
MrsPositivity1 · 02/08/2023 21:29

Iloverockntroll · 02/08/2023 14:32

We have a new starter today. She came in decked head to toe in pink and glitter, bouncy curls, pink clipboard and lots of highlighters! We in our dull, muted tones subtly stared but thought she was adorable!!! She really brightened up the dreary office and made it sparkle!!!

🤣🤣🤣🤣 an accountant by any chance with a basketl of fruit?

Mmhmmn · 02/08/2023 21:29

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 12:24

there's a ridiculous amount of people trying to prove their 'busyness' so I am responsible for 1 thing, totally my role, but some eager beaver emails someone else about it, who emails me, and then someone else does the same thing ad infitum.

I have already done what needs to be done without including a cast of thousands and the people who need to know, know. Pisses me right off.

There is also a rumour that glasses from the kitchen are being taken into the bathrooms for bumwashing purposes. Needless to say I use my own water bottle.

Fucking Teams. Ping, Ping, Ping.

How and WHY would a drinking glass be used for bum washing? The mind boggles!

Imsureitsprobablymebut · 02/08/2023 21:30

Pringleface · 02/08/2023 12:54

I used to work for a company where paper clips were banned.

We had Post-It pads banned and had to use paperclips with scrap paper !

Mmhmmn · 02/08/2023 21:30

Cucucucu · 02/08/2023 12:47

I’m a team leader and work from home , I don’t work Wednesdays, last week I thought Tuesday was Wednesday and missed a days work ( I worked Saturday to compensate ) nobody even noticed . It helped me realise the person who take on my work on Wednesday does very little .

😂🤣

Mmhmmn · 02/08/2023 21:31

TheBloatedMiddle · 02/08/2023 12:54

I once got a warning letter for starting a mass e-mail with 'Dear Colleagues'. It was to staff members of all ranks in the organisation inviting them to a meeting.

My boss initiated the warning letter and said that he was in no way my colleague, he was my Superior.

Fine.

He also telephoned my landlady (who he knew through friends but not directly) to ask her if I routinely had men to stay in the apartment.

I complained about that but no warning letter went his direction. Hmm

4 years of fucking misery in that job.

WHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT

Quercus30 · 02/08/2023 21:33

I started a new job. A couple of days in and a photo of a bunch if flowers in water, in a vase appeared on the work whatsapp. I gave it a " love this" heart and commented how lovely they were and how lovely it was for the member of staff to receive the flowers. Noone else even thumbs upped. At the end of the day a member of staff came to see me to see how I was settling in and give me the low down on the boss. Apparently if you leave ANYTHING out in the staffroom, she would just take a photo and post on the WhatsApp as as sort of public humiliation thing. Apparently the flowers should have gone in staff member's locker and NOT been left out on the coffee table. My card was marked. I left.

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 02/08/2023 21:35

By 10am on a typical day I have looked up at least 3 vaginas.

People sometimes apologise for lack of personal grooming but the only thing I notice/ care about from this perspective is whether or not they have washed their feet/ have clean socks on.

Coolblur · 02/08/2023 21:37

timeafterdime I do that (well Bcc so people don't think it's odd) if it's something I know I need to follow up on later so I can flag the email in my inbox. To be fair I rarely work in the office (I basically do two different roles, the office one far less) and some things take a while for others to action with an email response sent to me, so I would forget to chase things up if I didn't have a system. If there's a better way then I'd love to know what it is!

Hocuspocusnonsense · 02/08/2023 21:37

I had a job where I had to complete an online calendar for everyday with work tasks in hourly increments eg Monday 9-10 open, read and respond to emails. 10-11 complete task abc.... my manager would check it and correct it amd I would have to reallocate time and move tasks to suit her! I was a manager myself with a number of years experience! She insisted on reading EVERY correspondence before it went out and if it was a letter I had to print it and she would Scribble changes in red pen!! She was a total control freak and I hated her. Obviously I left.

PaperLanterns · 02/08/2023 21:42

I temped for this woman once (my sister was a recruiter and, desperate to get someone in, begged me to go because she couldn’t get anyone else to.) I was a student.

One of my jobs was to boil the kettle throughout the day so the water was always warm in case she wanted a tea and wouldn’t have to wait too long for it. Also had to print and file every email. Instead of my name, she’d click and say “you!”.

it was the longest three days of my life. I took great satisfaction in messing up her filing system after she asked if I was stupid because I didn’t know where she had left her glasses that morning.

sadaboutmycat · 02/08/2023 21:43

TragicMuse · 02/08/2023 16:35

I worked for a company that got taken over by an oil company.

New rules included:

Everyone had to reverse park and be facing bonnet out in a work parking space.

Everyone had to file travel plans for ANY journey.

The first was understandable for a quick escape from an oil field about to blow. The second understandable in the oil fields in remote deserts.

Both much less so between Manchester and Crewe. Or in small-town Cheshire.

It was changed...

Reverse parking is a health and safety must! You can see clearly as you pull out of your space at the end of the day. Reduces near misses and accidents effectively

BlackForestCake · 02/08/2023 21:43

Our office was freezing in the winter and despite repeated complaints nothing happened.

Eventually it got so cold that the photocopiers wouldn't boot up in the morning, and then something was done about it.

We were less important than photocopiers.

orangetriangle · 02/08/2023 21:44

so glad I am now a permanent home worker thank you covid
Prior to covid we wasnt allowed to talk in our large office you could hear a pin drop
Some poor woman got reported for eating too much
and God help you if your phone went off

CaramelMac · 02/08/2023 21:46

Years ago I started a new job, I was shown in to the office and my manager hadn’t arrived yet so I sat at a desk in my coat waiting for her, as she came in the phone started ringing and she looked at me annoyed and said “well answer it then” I knew from that moment on I’d made a huge mistake accepting the job.

ChickenlegofdooM · 02/08/2023 21:46

I worked as a nanny for a family who before a holiday would FedEx their many suitcases over night at a cost of thousands of dollars so that they would be at the hotel waiting when we got there rather than having to check them in and wait for them at the other end. If we were going to multiple destinations on one trip, I’d have to pack suitcases for each place and have them fedexed to all the different hotels and once we were done at each place, they would get the hotel staff to fedex the cases back home. They spent more on sending the luggage than I’ve ever spent on a whole holiday!!!

Same family- I was only allowed to pack navy, white and red clothes for the south of France; pink, yellow and green for Hawaii and yellow and red clothes for Mexico. If I packed the wrong colours, I got told off.

They also made me order 10 pairs of the same trousers and get the hem taken up by different amounts to wear with different shoes (this was for a 3 year old!!)

So many other things happened but I plan to write a book!

TitsInAbsentia · 02/08/2023 21:50

oohyoudevilyou · 02/08/2023 21:23

We are all summoned to the kitchen for coffee break at 10.15 by the office queen bee who asks everyone in turn what they're having for dinner tonight, making nom-nom or gagging noises dependent on whether she approves of the menu. Even the senior managers go along with it and accept being infantilised by this ridiculous, and low ranking admin woman.

Not all low ranking admin are wankers....if I do say so myself...

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/08/2023 21:51

Coronationstation · 02/08/2023 20:36

I went to work in a client organisation and when they set up my IT account they sent me an email with my login details and password……except I needed those details to log into my email!

IT can make a whole different thread and brings us the joys of outside contractors and call centres who think that nobody over 30 has ever seen a computer before.

The terror that so many places felt for IT was palpable in the 2000s. Insurance companies wouldn't allow staff below a certain level to have access to The Internet (including emails) at all - only the Office Manager and The Manager were permitted such privileges at one specific computer that might even have a colour screen. An email instruction would have to be typed, approved, copied and posted to hundreds of staff.

Finding out that somebody had created autocorrect or macros on their machine (such as for working in NHS Gynaecology, a macro for 'clin' could create a perfectly formatted clinic letter and typing tahsal would correct to Total Abdominal Hysterectomy and Bilateral Salpingooophrectomy, thus slashing the time it took to create letters) resulted in a complete shitfit about misusing the equipment and potentially causing it to fail and take out the entire hospital's x ray machines and operating theatre lights (like they were connected!) so that PEOPLE COULD DIE, RACHEL.

And one company, when a member of staff pointed out she was partially sighted, so using the features on her computer to enlarge the text and change the contrast would be really helpful, refused to do it (the control panel was deactivated) because it would make her display look different to everybody else's - and presented her with a magnifying glass.

I'm pretty sure that the people behaving like that had seen War Games in the 1980s and had never really recovered from the trauma of narrowly adverted Global Thermonuclear War.

Ostagazuzulum · 02/08/2023 21:52

I wish I could tell you the full details but it's too outing.

I have 5 bosses who I deal with. They are all varying degrees of awful. I've had some lol slt bosses in this organisation but this lot. Dreadful and quite toxic

One of bosses writes emails that NOONE understands. Someone's we have to have unofficial, meetings without a boss there to try and decipher why it means. If you ask any of managers for clarification they take absolute offence and it makes our lives even more miserable. All managers above him know but won't do anything about it. Sometimes he will start talking about stuff in meetings that our department doesn't even deal with.

It's really hard work.

Orangello · 02/08/2023 21:53

if we didn’t answer the phone with the right tone of pitch

Many years ago, one of our bosses did that testing. The rule was you must answer in a suitably friendly, but not too friendly tone and say XX company, YY department, ZZ speaking. However, the phones occasionally had a lag so they did not connect immediately - you picked up, said your thing but the other person only heard a part of the greeting. The boss, if he happened to be the one testing, went absolutely MENTAL.
So now you think, why didn't you wait a bit to make sure the other person could hear you? But no, if he tested and you didn't start with the greeting immediately, he also went mental. We explained the issue several times but he didn't care. Probably just enjoyed screaming at people.

RuthTopp · 02/08/2023 21:54

We have a ' day book ' . You write in it you are in work and a basic lowdown on what you have done or if something has arisen that needs dealing with .

Moonshine5 · 02/08/2023 21:55

@coxesorangepippin your story me laugh out loud

MiniPumpkin · 02/08/2023 21:56

We spend hours on end in meetings talking about how we don’t have the time do to anything. 4hours was our latest effort 😂

PinkShoelacesAndAPolkaDotVest · 02/08/2023 21:57

Oldermum84 · 02/08/2023 19:37

Why is this batshit? Of course you should work the hours you're paid for! (Though this would actually be 4hrs 48 mins).

Show quote history

Yes, absolutely understand I need to do the hours I’m paid for but would like to do 4 days of 5 hours and one of 4 rather than an odd amount each day.

TravellingSpoon · 02/08/2023 21:57

Local Authority job, I've been there for 8 years. I had always been on a 24 hr contract, however once DD started secondary school I wanted to increase my hours in my role. The hours were there as they were using agency staff. Had to do a full application and full interview for the extra 6 hours, for doing the same job.

I did wonder what would happen if I didn't pass the interview.

RuthTopp · 02/08/2023 21:58

I used to work for a small company that was run by two brothers , the head office had about 20 staff. The brothers hated each other and did not speak . One came in at around 9am and the other about 9.30 so they never really met arriving in work .

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