Your stage of parenting at 40

[Isthistherealworldisthisjustfantasy]

Where are you at?
How do you feel about it?

I'm 40 and have a young family. I had my last baby last year. Still breastfeeding.

In my mind, I feel like I'm late 20s/early 30s and my stage of parenting kind of fits in with this delusion.

A few days ago, a father and son were on Instagram. The dad was 41 and the son was a big strapping 22 year old man, and at first, my husband (who is 41) was a bit discombobulated. I reminded him that we are old enough to not just have adult children, but grandchildren too. We sat there with our minds blowing. We do understand the maths, obviously, but we feel in such a different stage of life to our biological ages.

We started talking about how a woman has quite a long season where she can potentially get pregnant. I just saw on the news that Natasha Hamilton, who is 41, is pregnant, and I had a moment of feeling a pang of envy before I reminded myself that while I'd love another child, we are stopping at the 3 we have. I know that lots of 40 year old women would be horrified at the thought of pregnancy as their children are teens or adults.

Anyway, I think around 40 is a unique period of time in a woman's life where she can technically be a grandmother and still get pregnant and I was wondering where you all are by 40!

How old are your kids? Have you any grandchildren? Did you have all of your kids when you were young, spread over time or not until later? How would you feel if you got pregnant now? How would you feel if you became a grandmother now? Has anyone experienced both at the same time?

Not personally, but someone in my village just had a baby at 39 and her 18 year old daughter also just had a baby.

A friend and her mother had babies at the same time, the friend babysat her sibling and had puzzled looks as the babies were a few months apart.

I am nearly 41, my kids are 21,19 and 11. I'm definitely heading into perimenopause and am absolutely dreading this happening during the very difficult teenage years, especially since it'll just be the 2 of us at home as the older ones are at uni.
I have friends who are still very much in the small children era and it looks so exhausting; I think it would be my idea of hell now but I'm sure they felt the same about my life when we were all in our twenties and they were enjoying being young, free and single! I definitely feel like I'm getting my own life back now.
I'm hoping that grandchildren are a way off, I certainly would like my children to have established careers/own houses/etc...before they settle down as I didn't and am having to work my way up now, I definitely do not have the stamina I once did! I had my eldest child at 19 so if they'd followed in my footsteps there would be a 2 year old running around: terrifying!

When I was 40 I had a 1 year old and a 1 month old. 15 months apart. Those were hard years until they were about 3 & 2, then they played, played, played. Very blessed. We waited along time for them to come along

I’m 39 with 17 and 19 year olds.

I’m still close with 3 girls from school so same age as me.

One has kids who are 22, 17, 12 and 8 and also has a grandchild aged 3.

One has a two year old

One has a 9 year old and an 8 month old.

All very different stages of parenting. All 39

At 40 I’ll have a 16, 13 and 10 year old. Hmmm

At 40, I had an 18 and a 16 year old, stepchildren of 21 and 19 (who had been in my life since I was 28), and I’d been sterilised for eight years. No regrets about any of it. Although I know in theory I was very young to make all those choices, in practice it’s never felt like that.

At 40, I had one pre-school child and was two years off having the next.

I'm 40 & pregnant with my first child, planning number two fairly swiftly after knowing how long it can take!

At 40 I had a 10 year old and a 5 year old. I’d reluctantly decided not to have a third and I occasionally still regret that. Most of my friends had children around the same time as me.

I had a two year old and two in uni.

Mine will be 16 when I'm 40. It's the norm in my family to have children early/mid twenties, and I couldn't wait to be a mum. Just wish I'd gone on a few more holidays first but I'm hoping I'll have time for that when my son is older and I'll still be relatively young.

When I was 40 (now 44) I had a 14 year old and a 10 year old. When my own mum turned 40, I had just turned 21, so I felt
old in comparison to her!

Now I have a 13 and 17 year old I couldn't imagine being back at the little phase again. It’s the thought of going through all the full on-ness of little ones and still having the teen year challenges to get through. I don’t think I could do it all again, knowing that is to come. It’s been by far the hardest phase of parenting for me.

At 40 I was still breastfeeding too and felt very young, I had a baby and a 4 year old. I felt much younger than my actual age for many years. It caught up with me in my late 40s when peri menopause started. I’m 56 now and feel my actual age.

That’s so true. My Nan was 39 when I was born and her youngest child was 10! My uncles and aunties were more like my siblings, and I was into my 40s when my Nan died - not many friends my age still had a living grandparent!

4y 2y and 5m and I'm 42.

I lost a baby in my teens and he'd now be 25, which I find hard to imagine.

At 40, I had a 4 and 2 yo. Eldest has ASD so I was very tired at that stage. Had a prolapse repair operation soon before my 40th and didn't celebrate, plus we were skint from double nursery fees.

Physically, it is easier now, 7 years on, but I find parenting stressful still and our parents are all in their 80s and need our support. I feel like I don't cope with life as easily as when I was younger - I feel less resilient and adaptable. It is something I am trying to work on.

I know exactly what you mean OP! I had mine when I was 36 and 41 and ten years later I feel like I am at a different life stage to those of my friends who have late teens now.

I have once been mistaken for my DD's grandmother and was very offended as I've always looked on the younger side so like you I've had the delusion of being a decade younger. A friend 'helpfully' reminded me that I was actually old enough to be DD's grandmother. I like your way of looking at it - it is quite a special time when you could be either.

It wasn't exactly my choice to be an older mother but I take the positives from it.

Having grandkids in your late 60s/70s and looking after them is properly exhausting! I have friends of 80 with grandchildren under 3 who they care for on a regular basis!

I’m 40 next year and mine will be 10 and almost 2.

I never planned a big age gap. My divorce at 32 on the cusp of ttc#2 left me in horrible broody limbo which I could never shake off in spite of much time to myself and co-parenting 50/50. When I fell pregnant from a summer fling at 37, it was both the biggest risk of my life but also
my dream come true. I’m running on empty most days, physically emotionally and financially but I would do it all again if fate intervened and gave me a chance but I don’t anticipate that and feel very much like my pregnancy has catapulted me into peri, so I don’t see it going that way.

some pity me for my circumstances but I also know I’m so lucky my children are brilliant and I would rather be happy alone than suffering in a dead end relationship. It’s a safe happy home for us 3 and I don’t take that for granted! I dread the day I’ll only have the memories of them cute and young so I do try and take it all in!

on my 40th birthday, I had a 21 yr old, 11 yr old , 8 yr old, 2 yr old and also a 18 month old grandchild. Almost 50 now and starting to feel a bit more free.

One of my friends is 43 and just had her first. When I'm 43, ds will be 18 and dd 12.

When I’m 40, my DDs will be 15 and 11, and maybe (hopefully) we’ll have a 3rd. Had my first at 25, but hubby is 6yrs older so he’s reluctant to have a newborn when he’s 40. Will need to have our 3rd in the next 3-4yrs if we’re going to manage before he’s set on no more! Here for the replies so I can see others experiences of it x

I am 40 this year - i have 6 children the eldest is 19 the youngest is 7.

Should’ve said, my mum was a teen parent and so she became a grandparent at 43. She loves being young fit and actively involved in their lives, but on the flip side she’s still working full time so doesn’t see as much of them as perhaps an older grandparent could. Everything that’s pros and cons I think! My DDs have all of their great grandparents too, as they are all still early 70s, which to me is something super special that not everyone gets!