Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

I'd say yes because of the money and future prospects but also keep your work going even if it's at a minimum to cover yourself in future as you never know.

Try to get a cleaner every so often or mabe a nanny once or twice a week if you can, this will take the pressure off. This could be the compromise.

Does he want the job and before he accepts it is he willing and proactive about discussing how the changes will affect both of you and the children, and what might need to happen to make it work?

Examples, does it make sense to move closer to his job? Does it make more sense to stay put and buy in help with cleaning / childcare / meal prep / whatever? Is your career the sort of thing you can go back to later or do you need to stay engaged with it right now?

If he's expecting you to solve all these queries, I'd be more worried than if he's genuinely partnering with you to work it out as a family.

Also, my family moved like military families, and my dad was away a lot. When I look back I can see us different personality kids were affected by that in different ways. Might that also be a consideration for you when thinking about moving schools, that sort of thing?

We wouldn’t do it. I’m not really that bothered about money tbh. Both my husband and I have turned down well-paid opportunities because being present with our kids is a priority for us while they’re little.

If he earns £140k, what is £200k going to buy you that you can’t already have? If it’s something really important to you (a much bigger house, private education) then I might consider it but I honestly can’t see anything that would convince me to do it.

I think you have to remember that this isn't a straight choice of one extra day in return for extra pay.

There is every likelihood that he will be required in the office more frequently whether he takes the job or not.

So are there any other reasons not to take the promotion??

Come on, most people know what she means

DH would get slated of Op said "DH has taken on a third day at the office, which includes him having to sleep over so I now have three full days of the kids with no help, and no consideration for my career. I asked if we could discuss it he said no, it was his life and his choice and nothing to do with me.

In any reasonable relationship, you discuss it all and whilst "let" might not be the best word no one should be making unilateral decisions that affect everyone

I'm really surprised by these comments. What's the point of being wealthier if you don't even get to see each other for half the week? You'll have nicer holidays, but the children will grow up only seeing their dad a few evenings a week and weekends. Personally it would be a no brainer for me, unless we were absolutely desperate for the money. But this is partly because I have close friends whose fathers chose to go for work opportunities that meant less time with them, purely for extra money that they didn't need, and it really affected their relationship with them.

@Simonjt you have completely missed my point. You are moving away and looking for jobs already in that area.

Entirely different.

Your DH should take the job if he wants it. I know it’s not all about money but this could massively improve your quality of life overall and give you a great future. Use the extra money to outsource some home related tasks- cleaner, home help a couple of hours in the morning/evening who tidy up, clean up after breakfast/dinner, hep get kids ready for nursery/bed etc. This will take some burden off you and also they could babysit when you go to your hobby. You will make it work OP, this is a fantastic opportunity.

It's a lot to take on, but given your basic wants: only one partent working flat out, more time with children etc. I would say he should take it. See if you can make it work. Perhaps you can, perhaps given time the CEO will relax, but I think it would be wasted opportunity to not attempt making it work at least short term with a hope to find a way to make it work better longer term, maybe through negotation after proving his value.

I think he should go for it as practical side can be sorted out. It's just figuring it out together. My husband went from day shift to night shift (higher role and pay) while I was pregnant and even though I wasn't keen on it from practicality point of view, I knew it's what he wanted and we just make it work. It's hard on me as he sleeps daytime so I take care of our child through daytime and nighttime but with his salary we can have a comfy lifestyle and I know it's not going to be forever.

Well, firstly, he wouldn't need my permission, because it's his job and not mine.
Secondly, one night a week away isn't much - well worth it for significant career progression. How would you cope, OP, if your husband was on an oil rig or in the forces?

For me it would depend on salary and impact to career as a whole. We've made some big changes to support DH's career, moved etc, now I earn twice he does it would not be so simple to just choose another dramatic career change, but we will discuss, look at the pros and cons, impact to us both, and most importantly the long term picture. What you describe doesn't sound too bad, but depends on the overall benefit.

My husband works from home and every 2 weeks has to go to the office for 3 days. He leaves early on a Monday morning(5am) and is back late Wednesday night (9pm ish).
We have horses that need to be sorted on a morning, a dog to walk and a child to get to school for 8.30am and then onto my own work for 9am.
I work full time in an office and finish at 5pm (ish as I am senior management)
My child is now old enough (14) that they can get the bus home and be home alone for a while.
When he is a away it is extremely hard to manage it all as when I leave work I have to do it all again - do the horses/ride the horses, walk the dog, cook dinner and I finally sit down around 9.30pm having got up at 6am.

I'm not sure what your routine looks like, but you will manage. I can't say you will enjoy it but you will manage.

Maybe when he gets the promotion he can put a flexible work request in and ask to work from home as he does now.

@overitunderit massive squishes on the reception you’ve had from some.

You say this is a massive stepping stone in his career and if it doesn’t work could mean a better career local to you.

how long would he have to do it as a ‘stepping stone’ if we think of it as a temporary measure. 1 year? 2?

the step after in his career - after this stepping stone - is it much better time/commitment and pay wise? Or does it also have time/commitment constraints that are problematic for a growing family unit (as in age not numbers!).

Personally if this is one of the only ways he’d get the career step with his current firm - or a cv builder for local opportunities then I’d give it a go for a trial period. Try to give it 12 months and see how things go.

if he’s a good and involved husband and father I think it could work.

and if not now - when? When would you be ok as a family in your husband advancing his career? When the kids are at primary school? High school? There will never be a beat time possibly - so make this work for you.

good luck. x

I think it can work really well IF you are both in agreement have time to reconnect when you are together. My DH used to work away when the DC were small. Some of the extra money paid for a cleaner, gardener, outsourcing jobs that would have been by us. I enjoyed days just with me and the DC, standards were lowered and we often had early nights with us all in bed watching tv and reading. It was harder as the DC got older as driving to after-school clubs etc falls on your shoulders, but with younger kids, I enjoyed it.

You are making some sacrifices in your career and life wile your kids are small, why won't he do the same? He is also a parent of young children. The children need him to be present as well, and you need him to do his fair share, not to just outsource his duties to paid help while he invests in himself (I know it sound like it's "for the family" right now, but when families break up, you can see how it only benefited the ex husband.)

And when he is away-away, who has to take time off work when kids are sick and can't go to school/nursery, further setting them back in their own career? It will be a very unequal situation.

As women, we should stop blindly supporting men's career development over our own, thus encouraging more gender inequality in the workplace. If mums take a step back or put career opportunities on pause to care for their children, so should dads, at least while kids are still young and needy.
They won't be little forever and there will be other career opportunities in the future.
And in this particular case, it is not that the family is struggling financially and the dad has to take extra shifts at bars and check out tills to make ends meet, while mum looks after the kids because they can't afford childcare and have no family help. This last scenario is still very present in the UK and many other countries, and it is about surviving, not ego. Some dads actually want to spend time with their young children, but can't because they are poor.

So, OP, the question is: why would your husband want to make your home situation and relationship even more unequal and spend less time with his young kids? Why can't he put his ambition and aspirations on hold and prioritise his family for a number of years, and pick up his career when the children are older?
It's ok to discuss opportunities and pros and cons, but he shouldn't ask for your approval as if you have a final say, because he puts you in an impossible situation. If you say no, he'll resent you. But if you say yes, you will resent him.

He wouldn't need your permission but he would need your support.

If he was working away full time she'd probably have chosen a different lifestyle...

This stage with your dc will pass pretty quickly OP, so it seems better for your DH to get the promotion, and for you to get any extra help you can while your children are still sleeping badly. How old are they ? My DH had to work away a lot when our dc were tiny and it was really hard, I sympathise, but I had no help and no family nearby, I think if I’d had just a small amount of help here and there it would have been easier.

Why wouldn't she?

OP's considering her mental and physical health as well as her family's lifestyle aside from the money. Money isn't everything.

She works @Gingerboy22. She hasn't sacrificed her career to raise their family. She has her own pension. She won't automatically get half of his as well.

Yes of course you should let your husband take a promotion. If he's like my husband, work is a very important part of his life. Jobs at that level go hand in hand with commitment to work.

I think it's a reasonable expectation at this stage for some of the money to be spent on a childminder/nursery/cleaner so that your own career doesn't go entirely on the back burner.

You can't recoup time but hard working parents, who are secure in their relationship, instil a good work ethic into children.

What does the money buy that the op and family don't already have? Paying down the mortgage, security, better pension and life insurance, the choice of retiring earlier. Notwithstanding rhe potential for lovely holidays, choices re education fir the dc, choices re healthcare, etc.

Like others have said - he probably has to go for the promotion to stay at the company, with that CEO and his attitude. It increases the chances of feelings of dislocation from family life, of missing out and, eventually, possible extramarital relationships due to the former experiences, but four days at home is pretty good, if that’s what actually happens and the CEO does not move goalposts again. Is he good at dealing with stress and fatigue? Will it stay at one night away, or will it creep towards two or more as the extra workload of the new role becomes apparent?

Resentment is the biggest risk. You don’t want to end up with either of you resenting the other for having more of the life you actually wanted to enjoy for yourself than the other one (eg subsidising the other’s happy lifestyle to your detriment, being trapped in a boring life with no means of escape, etc).

He would need to ask though, wouldn't he? So you could call that 'permission'.

Because he's a parent too. He's 50% responsible for his children 100% of the time. If he's not going to be there for them, or is going to be there less, then yes he needs to check in with their other parent that she is ok to cover for him.

You obviously don't understand how it works with well paying jobs. The usual strategy is you get to your aimed position while relatively young and then you can relax a bit until an early retirement. Old men don't get promoted.