Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

Correct - she will get half at least of the joint pension. We're singing from the same hymn sheet. I didn't explain it properly.

I would say he should go for it if it only involves 1 night away. Ive been on my own with small children (Husband works away often) and you do get into a routine. Lots of friends Husband’s go away for work trips or work abroad, so one night a week should be manageable. You also said you would like more time with your children, so if it allows you to do that, I would say go for it. It gets so much easier when they are at school too. The key is a good evening routine and wine on the night he is away 😀

We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k.

For these figures I wouldn’t think twice.
What does he do?

You say you have a small business.
Is this profitable?
If it’s not then I would drop it as you cannot spin too many plates at once.

You don’t need to work for financial reasons but I understand why you want to work.

You say you were a previously high earner, so I’d either increase your hours and get DH to reduce his/not take on the promotion or I’d get him to take on the promotion and just see how it goes.

I would definitely get a cleaner.
And i’d make sure that DH took more responsibility when he is home.

You will be the default parent (if you aren’t already) which can be mentally draining but the money he’s on is insane and I’d happily take on extra housework/childcare if it meant him allowing me to live a luxurious lifestyle.

If after a year it really doesn’t work then he’ll need to look for something else or ask to reduce his hours.

FWIW I have a couple of friends whose partners work away and they love it as they say it’s nice having your own since sometimes.

I wouldn’t assume that he will be able to continue wfh in the job he has or that he would be allowed to stay at all. I wouldn’t assume he can get another similarly salaried position on a wfh basis.

I don’t think being away 3 days a week is especially arduous - so long as it’s only one parent doing it. If your job has hours outwith normal office hours on the three days he is away then childcare is much more difficult logistically.

You can move closer - you don’t want to, which is fine, but it’s a choice.

Lots of children don’t see their parent several days a week. The children of separated parents rarely see both parents every day. The children of shift workers and hospitality workers generally have several days a week without seeing a parent they live with. Most parents in this situation are on a far lower salary so can’t use money to smooth the edges.

If your job is on one place and your children’s grandparents are in another then you can’t simultaneously have no commute or nights away but live close to grandparents. You have to accept that, move the job, or move the grandparents. You want a London salary and a chill, northern, down to earth family, grandparents-around-the-corner, cheap housing, all eating together at 5:30pm lifestyle.

Personally I think the days of £140-200k salaries for a job you don’t have to have a bum on a seat for are over. Wfh one day - fine - 2 days…count your lucky stars…3-5 days…not on that money. Throw your wreaths and decide your priorities.

"let"?

What does he want to do ?

That’s the danger of moving away from your office based on the current set up. Surely new CEO will want everyone in 3 days regardless, or could do for everyone even if he turned the job down. 3 days is a lot, but I think you have to suck that up as that was probably a risk factor when you moved closer to your family, and benefits of cheaper living. I did it all anyway as my ex moved overseas so I don’t see it as a big deal but guess if you’re used to more help it is a hard decision. It’s a lot more money, outsource some stuff and it will be fine. I’d never turn down a promotion

Lots of families contend with one parent working away 2 nights a week or every other week etc. Only you can work out whether you can manage that, whether it would create resentment and so on. Equally, he might resent having his career stifled and his boss might view a failure to embrace promotion negatively, leaving him on the redundancy list. My gut has always been to be supportive of promotions and to do what it takes to make them work.

You don’t mention the small business further op- can that be scaled back, mothballed? Basically if he takes it there is x hours family and small business time he used to do and can’t-you need to think about where those hours can come from and it’s not all just from your personal reserves.

Hire a cleaner and a babysitter.

Honestly the amount of people on mumsnet that think parents should be at home for children constantly and not be at work is incredible. Some come on here in shock they have to go into actual work for two days a week. The same people expect people in the post office, the shops, the garage, the banks to be available to them during business hours +

some of the posts on here crack me up! Anyway, I'd say go for it and agree to give it a year then if either or you want out the deal is he finds another job. I would employ a mother's help/nanny for 2 or 3 evenings a week so you can keep your jobs but also to help with meal, bedtimes & end of day tidy so you don't resent his free time away.

Take the job and get extra help if you need it. Myself and many of my friends have had husbands working away most of the week. Quite a few of us were SAHM's to be fair, but the ones that worked paid for extra nursery, or clubs, or cleaners etc etc.

I agree with this having worked in corporate business.

It really is up to you both to make the decision and look at options like moving closer to his office. Seems a shame to just bypass a good promotion. But at least you are realising the pitfalls of relying on a high earning partner. Many on here don't.

I’m enjoying the irony that your husband is going to be promoted, presumably because they value his work ethic and effort, whilst working only 2 days a week in the office yet the CEO (who I assume is making, or at least a big part of these decisions..) is insisting it cannot be done in less than 3 days in person and you’ve alluded to them conflating in person with better performance. Makes no sense.

Take the promotion however set yourselves as a family a time frame in which to review the situation and impact and then decide how you want to do it going forward - like a probationary period in work but at home. Immediate, short, medium and long term planning.

1. OP cannot assume that her DH’s current job will continue to be available for him.
2. OP cannot assume that her DH’s current job will continue to be remote, it’s possible that he will have to come in more frequently- with or without the promotion.
3. OP can’t assume that her DH will be offered this opportunity again. Especially not with this company. Declining this actually could have a negative impact on his career future opportunities. He may very well get overlooked during the next round of promotions, salary increases etc.

if I was her DH, I would therefore want to take the job! Either moving closer to work or being away from home on a more frequent basis.

If I was OP, I wouldn’t cut back on my career either btw.

spend the additional money on a housekeeper, gardener, wraparound childcare etc.

make sure weekends, evenings are genuinely free and don’t have to be spent doing chores etc., so they can both spend quality time with their DC and each other.

but that is simply my opinion. I obviously don’t know what’s best for OP’s family. That’s something they will have to decide for themselves.

I would agree to him working away but use the extra money to make your life easier at home. For example, have a cleaner at least twice a week, maybe three times. Basically, if you can pay for someone else to do anything, I would at the moment, so you are just left with pick up and drop off from nursery. You probably can't do anything about the lack of sleep but that shouldn't last much longer anyway.

Yep. Let go or (if he’s lucky) simply won’t be considered for future promotions, probably won’t have negotiation power in future conversations about pay rises etc.

declining this may be a fairly massive sacrifice of her DH and may have a negative impact on the entire family (financially)…

If the title was should I let my wife accept a promotion I bet you’d be getting slaughtered

more mumsnet hypocrisy

I would have discussed the logistics of it, asked him to arrange a cleaner , and then waved him off to his new job.

He should take it, and spend some of the extra money on a nanny for one day a week, and a weekly cleaner. Then make sure you have a night out together one night he's home, and that he does one of the weekend mornings so you get a line in.
Tbh, only having to be there 3 days a week is in itself a flexibility most people don't have. It will be fine.

MN really shows me how people can put a price on not seeing their children.

60k is apparently worth not being present for your children 3 days a week…

Sorry OP but I’d say no, it’s not worth it in my opinion

If he takes it, buy in the help, boost your pension contributions but don't 'live' to the full extent of the increase. Save loads

Then if it doesn't work, coming back down won't be such a hit.

(easier said than done!)

We did it for a lot less than that because if we hadn't it would have meant unemployment.

There are going to be two trains of thought on this - the people who want M and D at home , working easy hours and having what they perceive as a family life.

Then there are the others who do not balk at different or longer hours or challenges in a work/home life and are then suitably financially rewarded. We were one of the latter and the number of people who told me I was "lucky" or even the opposite " there is no way I would live there" . .. No we were not "lucky" - we made choices and maybe sacrifices that benefitted the family in terms of wealth and style and standard of life. As I say that is not for everyone. I know many couples who did the same as we did and sometimes the wife did not work to compensate for the D travelling with the job.

Yes some of these marriages did not survive due to the same reasons as many others but when that did happen then yes the wife was sitting pretty with financial benefits which came from her role as a trailing spouse or a working partner.

As I said before , no one gets paid good money for doing nothing. The post Covid workplace is an even tighter entity than it was before looking to recuperate and progress and people are looked for who will prove their value.

You don't get it all in life and that depends as I started this post with what your "all" is - Daddy home at 5.30 every night or looking to improve your and your children's financial stability.

Let him? Is he your slave or what?