Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

@watermeloncougar it's a turn of phrase. Reading the OP's posts, their partnership is an equal one. Her opinion holds just as much weight. It is fairly obvious that posters are jumping on the 'let him' as an excuse to berate the OP. Luckily she seems to get that. I wouldn't have written the let him part because I know that's what posters would pounce on 🤷‍♀️ sad but true as evidenced on this thread.

I think most people wouldn't write 'let him' because their mind doesn't work that way.

Well with the salary raise you've an extra 3k a month to play with. Use this money for extra child care, cleaner and get your career back on track. I envy you the one night a week with no adult to worry about btw 😂

Yes, I'd agree with him taking it on the proviso that the extra money was used to pay for a part-time nanny so you can focus on your own work/business and have some down-time too. You can still be present in their lives while outsourcing some of the daily drudge and having some time to focus on your own goals.

You can argue the "life's too short" argument both ways. DH did a high paying job which meant he was away a lot when the kids were young but it meant he could retire at 55.

There were definitely downsides to it. I had four kids close together and it was full on at times but you can't ignore the rewards of having a high income.

Can't believe what I'm reading! You are hand wringing about whether or not to take an added 60k a year for one extra day he is away a week, not even a full week... My DH is away 4 or 5 days a week and earns 55k and it's a no brainer, I think we are very lucky there he has every weekend off, most people on minimum wage have to work weekends.

When you earn £200k+, family typically does not come first.

I think it sounds fine but you need to use the extra cash to outsource house stuff so you don’t have to reduce your hours. Fine you’re not ambitious but don’t let your career slide too much. If he does stay can he do a longer day in the middle of the week and finish early on a Friday?

OP are you much closer to Manchester than London? Just thinking if you are, is it worth looking to see what the options longer term would be re job/salary wise there? I know it's not on the same level as London but would a bit less money wise save travel time/costs be worth it if he got the experience in London, say 12 months or whatever and then if it wasn't working look for similar closer to home

I agree with this.
Children are children for a blink of an eye. He will miss out on a lot of he is away 3 days, working 2 and then probably exhausted at the weekend. You all ready have enough money for an amazing life. More than double what I have and we have enough for holidays and doing lots of what we want.

Short answer, @overitunderit - yes, he should take it!

I also don’t think it’s quite right to say “it’s £60k in exchange for an extra day in the office”. It’s a huge salary jump, so I’m guessing it’s a much bigger job. It will have more responsibility, more line management, more something - it’s very unusual for a promotion to be accompanied by such a big salary increase so I’m guessing there’s a material change in scope of work.

totally fair enough to think about whether you want to step up there. The commute is a red herring in some ways.

I think some PPs are being blinded by the extra £60k and not seeing that after tax etc it could be a lot closer to £30k with potentially significantly more expense.

My experience of 'bums on seats' senior executives is that they can be quite keen to press their reports' buttons. Mon-Wed becoming Sunday evening to Thursday night or even Friday because big boss decides he wants to have in person meetings early on Monday morning and late on Thursday.

Suddenly being told you have to be in the office on Thursday when you only planned to be in until Wednesday leaves you scurrying for clean shirt, pants, socks and a hotel room. That can leave you down a few hundred pounds just because big boss rearranged a meeting on a whim.

I would encourage him to take it, and as pp have said, use some of the extra cash to help you with the increased load at home. Any 'give' should be there, not in you doing more or dropping hours at work.

You don't mention how old your children are, but things do change as they get older and can change very quickly (e.g. after school club becoming an option, then walking home from school alone etc). The point I'm making is that whilst things seem difficult now, those difficulties are likely to be short term (although potentially replaced with others 😊) but your family would benefit in the long term.

Good luck to you all!

It sounds like it could work, if you both want it to. Lots of ways to use the extra money to support your career, or pay for additional help with the children.

Sorry if I've missed it, but how old are the children? Your DH being away 3 nights a week, is quite a lot, in terms of you having to do everything alone?

One thing that did come to mind when you mention the new CEO liking bums on seats - check that the 3 days is definitely not going to suddenly need to become 4 or even 5. Have the 3 days written into the contract perhaps? Also DH needs to be sure that the new CEO won't always be slightly negative about his working from home, creating an atmosphere.

Good luck with your decisions :-)

Fair enough @watermeloncougar .
Yes OP, what about a nanny for the three days he's away? That's the kids sorted then, no rushing to and from work is a weight off. You or DH could batch cook something on a sunday evening so it's just to warm up during the week. There are things you can put in place to make YOUR week easier. A sit down discussion is needed methinks. It is so so common for men to take a job away, or even just another job without discussion, then just go about their business while the woman has no choice but to crack on. It doesn't work like that in our house. I won't do it alone and I wouldn't expect him to.

Very toxic and abusive language.

Absolute nonsense.

Hire a nanny
Dont drop your career

I would take it as I suspect his career in that company would be over if he doesn't. he will seem to lack ambition if he doesn't take it. Try it for a while, anything is manageable for a year say and re group then. I would also have him stay up there two nights that way he isn't exhausted from travelling when home so he can property contribute

I had similar when my dc were small (dh public sector, no big pay rise, was just where his job was based for a bit).

Only you can work out the big picture (dynamics, relationship etc) I think but my practical tip if he does go for it would be forget the very long days and he stays over more. It is actually easier to do a week night on your own than having someone come home at 11 and get up at six - you can adjust your schedule to the dc and hunker down.

He is lucky he only had to go yo the office 3 times a week instead of 5. Not evryone can work from home.

In light of what you’ve said OP - I’d be urging DH to take it.

If the new CEO is keen on bums on seats as you put it then they will be pushing for everyone to go to 3 days a week sooner or later anyway. So I’d opt for sooner with the pay rise and promotion, otherwise you’ll still have the cons but without the pros!

Get in some extra childcare/help with cleaning and keep your work as it is (will hopefully be easier as the DC get older too).

I’d also guess that given the wage and work structure, this might be the kind of job where one of the benefits is that your DH can buy some extra annual leave? That might be worth considering, likewise whether his work might help offset the travel cost.

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office.

@overitunderit do you mean could or will ?

I’ve been that chump who turned my life upside down for a ‘could’ promotion that never quite emerged… 😞

For a 100% guaranteed big promotion now, I’d recommend he gives it a go and you throw some of the extra income at all the extra work.

Op, your position seems similar to mine, although my kids are now a bit older than yours. We are also a 3 hour commute from London where DH works, which has been the case since the kids were born - I remember the toddler years well!!

What we have found works for us is to approach it on a 2 week rota basis. Obviously, this might not work for your DH. But I personally found that having my DH away most of one week, but at home for all the following week better than away for a bit of every week, if you see what I mean?

So, he leaves super early on the Monday morning and stays in London until late on the Thursday night, and does longer days while he is there. That frees him up to be at home for the whole of the following week. Obviously, things do crop up which changes this but that is the basic pattern. We are all very used to it now and the kids are fine because it's just routine. And to be honest, now the kids are a bit older, I quite like having a bit of time to myself. I can do what I want in the evening etc. Perhaps if he took the promotion, he could talk to his boss about transitioning to a timetable that works a bit better for you?

So you're looking at a joint income of around £240k+

I'd say try it. Can he split the week so he does one long day, two at home, then two with a sleepover? Or other way round. Do sleepover mod week it might be easier to find a b&b when he can return each week. Keep accomodation costs as low as possibly.

Then buy in a cleaner, whatever childcare helps, meals service a few days a week. You won't be much cash richer, that's fine, it'll change over time