Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

If he does not take the promotion, what will happen? Most corporate companies have an up or out culture, so could it jeopardise his position if he does not take the promotion?

Could he travel there and back on the first day then the second day stay over the one night? That doesn’t seem so bad. My DP stays over one night a week which we find ok but our DS is a teen now so low maintenance and I work part time. Perhaps you could get some help?

Presumably you must have thought that at some point, he would need to return to the office a bit more. Companies want bums on seats for networking and to help new joiners and to justify their office costs!

Gawd all the bitchy judgemental people are out in force today!

Op I would be confidentish in him taking it, like everyone says the toddler wake ups stage doesn’t last forever, the arrangement will get easier or like others have said change to help him get a different role where he might have more flexibility again.

@pillsthrillsandbellyache sounds like the OP with a hasty name change!

No, MN is not full of women who get told by their husbands what they can or cannot doZ
Most of us wouldn't dream of using the sort of language used in the OP... 'let my dh'!!! We are adults with agency and if we're in a relationship we work as a partnership, discussing not 'letting'.

My husband had a full on but very well paid career and there were times where he was spending too much time away from the kids but looking back on it it was worth it for the money. I know that a bit of an unpopular view to be thinking of the money but it's allowed him to retire early and meant that we don't have to worry about money. It's also massively helped our four kids with Uni costs, houses, cars etc. We've also been able to help family which has been nice.
I never resented him for being left with the 'mental load' though. I didn't realise it was even a thing until joining mumsnet tbh.

Do you think There may be implications for declining the job? Might he be overlooked for promotions in future?

Posters on here are astounding. If your DH took a promotion leaving you with lots of extra childcare responsibility and less family time without discussion everyone would be LTB. But having a relationship where you can veto/share these decisions and suddenly he's a drip?

£140 plus your salary, plus business income, up North where costs aren't sky high is an incredible level of money. What would the extra really buy you that's more valuable than having a dad who's around for his small children?

If we was either of us we’d turn it down, we both agreed that we wouldn’t accept work that meant going away overnight, or extremely long days out of the home, we also both agree that we wouldn’t consider fulltime work.

I wonder if the responses would be the same if overitunderit had posted from the perspective of someone whose husband was away three days a week while she did the overwhelming majority of childcare and running the home.

I think you are doing the right thing thinking carefully about the pros and cons. There's another con which is that expectations about his working hours overall will also increase, not just the number of days in the office. I think you definitely should use some of the extra income to pay for additional pension contributions for you. That's tax efficient as well as giving you more protection. You could also look for a child minder to pick up your children in the afternoon and bring them home as that would mean your time is not constrained by having to pick the children up, especially as you are also supporting your relative with the degenerative disease. You could also look at the possibility of getting someone to do more of a housekeeping role than just cleaning - eg check cupboards and fridge for what's needed for food shopping as well as cleaning.

Don’t take it! He’s already on loads of money and it’s a nicer work life balance. Life is too short, happiness comes first. The two days that he’s away already sound very hard and it’ll only breed resentment. Also why should he capitulate to an unreasonable boss? Perhaps he or she needs to learn that they’ll lose talent if they enforce such stringent rules.

@Simonjt but would you agree TO MOVE AWAY from your work?

@OrangeySnicket oh come on, don't be disingenuous! Everyone has made it abundantly clear that they would discuss, not 'let,' or 'not let,' their partner do something.

Pretty sure end result is he wil be "let go" tbh.

That salary, you really have to be present. Lots of career hungry people in London.

Woukd he allow you to accept this promotion if shoe was on other foot are u aloud to do stuff without his permission and is he aloud to do stuff without your permission

I'd take the promotion! Can he not fly into London to make commute better? If not I'd cope with 2 nights for the salary increase

Well, exactly.

It may not be as simple as stay as you are or take the promotion.

Yes, I’ll be doing exactly that in a few weeks time, I’m currently job hunting in our new area.

No. He earns enough. He needs to pick up slack so you can have a career

What a lovely position to be in, that neither of you have to work full time!

I would say go for it but be kind to yourself and don't overload yourself. We made the decision before our first arrived that I would take a step back and look after the children whilst my husband persues his career. I then felt guilty about being 'just a sahm' so loaded my life with a part time job, became chair of the PTA and said yes to everything. Now I am a burnt out wreck so I have stepped away from the PTA and reduced my hours. My boys are older now at 8 and 10 but there is still so much to do and think about and it's tough when it's all on you.

My husband works hard to give us an amazing life though and I think we are finally finding a balance which works. He has had a major priority shift and tries hard to be home early some nights etc.

This is why men end up with great pensions and women end up living in poverty

We have both had to make a lot of sacrifices to make up for the lower income.

I’ve been there to some extent with this. Wanted to keep my career going whilst his became all consuming. If he wants to take it I’d suggest he stays overnight in London on one or possibly two nights to reduce the commuting. He’s not much use to you leaving at 5 and getting back super late, but in doing this he can get a lot more done, will be less knackered so be more available to you and the kids when he is there.

We have used a nanny mixed with nursery to enable me to work full days and progress my career as well without the kids suffering. I am really glad I pushed for this as he then had an affair and if I’d taken years out to support his job (as was suggested at one stage) I’d be screwed…

Oh, and if he stays over down there he does his gym/socialising there as much as poss, so you get an evening off when he’s around…

I’m a bit nonplussed at 2 highly educated, intelligent people unable to have a full discussion and come to an agreement rather than ask mumsnet? So my advice is to discuss it with him-only you have full background on the context of it all and it’s a waste of time engaging in combat with randoms who have no relevance to your lives.

It depends, OP. He already has a v well paid job. I once had a similar offer too and I said no because to me time & family are more important than money.

You've saved me the job of typing out the exact same reply. If this was a bloke he'd be getting called a control freak and God knows what else.

Well, for us (and the OP sounds similar), it amounts to the same thing.

We would discuss it but if the person being left with more childcare wasn't happy, that would be the end of the conversation. So they would effectively have a veto.

I think taking a job away from home when the other person doesn't agree to it is far more controlling than vice versa, you've basically unilaterally ditched them with the childcare. And not everything can be outsourced or paid for - the OP would basically have no choice but to cover all sickness on those days. She can't realistically pay someone to do night wake ups or 5am starts