Would you let your husband accept this promotion?

[overitunderit]

My DH has been told that he could get a major promotion at work but only if he spends 3 days a week in the office. The only problem is we don't live anywhere near the office so it would mean him spending at least one night away each week plus 3 very long days where he wouldn't see our two small children in the morning or at bed time. He currently does two days a week but he doesn't stay overnight and some weeks he tries to get away with not going at all. That option wouldn't be open to him with the new job.

It would also obviously mean I would have to pick up the slack at home on the three days he is away. I also work and have a hobby and we have a small business together too. We have two young children. My job would need to take a bit of a back seat (it already is). I'm ok with that in theory as I'm not as ambitious generally and I want to be more available for my children. I don't want them to have two parents who work very hard and are away a lot. I wouldn't want to give up my job entirely as I think it would make me vulnerable in the long term and possibly resentful in the short term.

Those are the cons. The pros are that it would be a major stepping stone in his career and that he would get a significant pay increase. We don't know exactly how much but he's already a high earner on 140k a year and that would be likely to increase to around 200k. If he took the job I suppose I could offset him not being around by getting some extra paid help and I may be able to work a bit less too. But then obviously there is likely to be an impact on our family life and there may be an impact on our marriage too?

If he takes the job but hates it he can always move to something else and he'll have that new job title behind him but then again there is unlikely to be anything that pays him anything equivalent local to us so we would need to be careful not to adjust our lifestyle to fit his salary.

What would you do?

It's not just the money though is it. It will effect his future career. And given the extra money could be used to hire help around the house he may end up spending a lot more quality time with his children than many parents who live at home seven days a week.

Recently in a similar situation to you. My DH took a promotion (also a high earner) which now means he's away 3days/2nights every week. At the time, I worried about how I'd manage with 3 young DCs, especially as we have no family nearby to help out, but actually it's been fine.
I now work full days on the days he's around and slightly shorter hours on the other days so I can do nursery/school runs. I reduced what I paid into the joint account so I could up my pension contributions and DH more than made up the difference with his payrise. And realistically, weekends are when we spend quality family time together and we still have those.
Now we're a few months in, I can genuinely say it makes very little difference to my/DCs quality of life through the week and the payoff of more money to spend on holidays, days out when we are all together more than makes up for it.

You must have a very comfortable life to turn your nose up at an extra 60K - for what? A few hours 3 nights a week? Others are more forward planning - they hope they can see the benefits that may accrue. Does this mean that Mum cannot go out to a yoga class in the evening and Dad cannot go to play his round of golf because they are not there all the time for their children? They have to sit there and stare at the children all the time? People do not stop becoming people when they become parents.

In addition some people HAVE to do these things to make ends meet. Are they better parents? eg my father worked shift work during all of my childhood and also a second job driving a taxi to make ends meet in the 1970s. Was he putting financial gain before his children? I don't think so.

Yes it's lovely. I keep him in a little cage and give him titbits of fish fingers when I feel like it and only let him out to attend his high paying job.

I used to do this - 3 days a week in the office in London, sometimes an overnight, but mostly I just commuted back and forth as was easier. 3 hours door to door - left at 6am, in office a bit after 9am, left office about 4-5pm and home 7-8pm or sometimes even later, depending. I wasn't making anywhere near £200K. 😂But yes, if someone told me or dh that we could earn £60K more by working 3 days in the office with one overnight, we would do it. Dh managed it, doing all the school runs those days, homework, cooking, bath time and sometimes bedtime, plus running a successful business. But it depends on how much the career move means to both of you, I suppose.

Sarcasm, right?

Honestly, if a man posted asking whether they should let their wife take a promotion, I can't imagine many people would reply 'oh of course what he means is that they'll discuss it.' There'd be cries of 'abuse' and LTB. Strange innit.

I would (we did), but you use some of the extra money to make it easier.

So your pension is a priority.

Cleaner or childcare to ease the load on you while he’s away.

Look at the decision again in 6 months and see if it’s working for the family as a whole.

To put this in perspective though, I grew up with a single parent. I was in school/childcare/with grandparents 5 days a week 8am-6pm. She obviously worked in the office every day. From when I was 11, my mum's work was 1.5 hours away from home, so she left at 6-7am and got home after 6pm. Some days she stayed over with a friend and I was left on my own. She also worked a part-time job cleaning/doing admin work some evenings and on the weekends (though she'd often take me with her to help). Not to say that is the cookie cutter ideal scenario, but it didn't do me any harm at all. I was well-cared for, learned a lot of independence, and spent lots of time with my mum, felt very loved, and we had a good life because she earned enough to keep us going, keep me fed, send me on school trips, holidays, etc. I didn't think it was anything other than completely normal for a parent, even a lone one, to work long hours. Really, it's what most working parents do, to be fair.

@overitunderit
I can't imagine ever under any circumstances having a spouse think that they could let me or stop me from taking a job.

If this is the route to advancement and mobility in his career sector, he would be foolish not to take the job particularly if his income is the family's primary source of support.

OP clarified pretty quickly what she meant.

I'd say that you agree to it together. It's a no-brainer to use some of the increase in money to employ a P/T nanny or the like. So, your DH leaves at 06:00 on a Tuesday, and back at 20.00 on a Thursday. Can you have a nanny Tues - Thurs? Or even just one who comes in to help in the mornings/evenings?
It would also allow you better opportunities to concentrate on your work, and to make life easier all around.
But, yes, if I could find a way to manage the move to our family earning more than £60k a year more, I'd look at how I could spend up to 1/2 of that on making life easier....

I’d send him back to negotiate OP.

“yes I accept the job but I can only do 1 day per week in London due to my location. I can be flexible with salary but I cannot negotiate my in-office days due to other commitments. I am sure we can come to an arrangement to suit everyone and very keen to start.”

Everything is negotiable.

Make it a three-year project after which you either move closer to his work, or he finds something else, with the new salary his baseline.

You can manage a three-year timeline without worrying that you will 'drift apart' as someone further up put it. 36 months!

Great opportunity. He only has to get up very early one day, spend two nights away, get back late the third day. Lots of people do this for a fraction of this salary!

Get some help at home!

@overitunderit I keep him in a little cage and give him titbits of fish fingers when I feel like it and only let him out to attend his high paying job

Ahhh only just saw this 😂😂

I chuckled at you giving permission for your husband to take the promotion. And at the outrage it's caused on the thread!
It's a no brainer that he needs to take this promotion for his own career benefit.
It is going to have an impact for you with him being away for the three days but can you bring in a nanny or housekeeper to give you a lift on those days? I got a promotion and we used some of the pay uplift for a housekeeper twice a week, and it has made a huge difference.
If you're earning less because you've taken a back step to put family first, then it would be worth you both seeing a financial planning person to see about getting your pension provision topped up. Not because you'll maybe split up in the future but it will possibly be better in a pension for you than all in his when it comes to tax free lump sums and such like. And avoiding hitting the maximum amount you can pay in without being penalised etc.

Oh you don’t need to tell me, I’m probably one of the poorest people on mumsnet.

£140k is money I couldn’t even dream of. So taking more at the expense of not being as involved with your children seems like greed to me.

This made me laugh, OP!
I think I’d be inclined to say go for it, in your position. Your children are getting older, so that will become easier (eg with sleep etc). And if you both decide after a year or so that it’s not working for you as a family, nothing’s permanent — he could presumably look for something else, closer to home or with a more understanding/modern CEO… (or you could!)

@overitunderit You know one day your children will be grown up, may need help with college, university, rent, etc.

You may divorce.

One day you'll need a pension, or you may get really sick so have to stop work early, one of you may die young.

I've read every one of these threads on here . Be like a squirrel, plan for every eventuality. Use a financial advisor.

I would say take the job. The children's sleep will be improving as time goes on. If he hates it or it really doesnt work for family lige he can look elsewhere. If new CEO wants bums on seats you will probably find pressure to go in 3 days a week in all roles over time so likely the days in office will increase without promotion.

Friend high up at a bank been working from home since covid. She's over the moon to be back in work 3 days a week. Many colleagues WHO worked from home with poor productivity according to IT have been made redundant.

If it would take him from a low-mid salary to a good one, it might be worth it, but he's already an extremely high earner.

I know everyone's different, but for me nothing is worth missing out on time with my small children for, if I don't actually 'need' it. No money in the world will ever buy those moments back.

Hmmmm, I think if I agreed to it I would do so on a time limited basis (I.e. do it for e.g. a year). I would therefore want to be sure what other options there are out there first nearer to home as otherwise as you say you risk relying on that higher salary and feeling trapped. Perhaps you can just try to save all that extra money and use it to facilitate some good family time in future e.g. three months career break. If your husband is highly valued by his employer (sounds like he is if he's being considered for a promotion) I'd use the bargaining power that creates. For example, could he explore alternative employers and see what they'd offer then use that to help him negotiate a better deal with his current boss (even if minimal changes like 3 days in office one week, 1 or 2 the next). Could he take the job and then say a few months in that it isn't working for his family and explore additional flexibility at that point once he's got his feet under the table and can show what a good job he can do in this role? Is there scope for you and the kids to join him in London e.g. once every few weeks or couple of months and for him to have an early finish?

As an aside, I wouldn't want to work for any company that had a 'back to the office' mentality. That heydey for property owners and lazy managers has gone and it's not coming back so companies that are trying to drag an office culture back are going to end up in trouble, with talent going elsewhere.