Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Offering a week's childcare in school holidays is a great idea from pp. Or offering to pick their child up at 7am onwards the one day you're not working?

The public transport commute sounds a potential nightmare too. So say dh at parents evening or stuck in traffic and your train late your poor mum has no choice but to hang on.
Even on a good day she’s getting home late and then having to cook.
I’d honestly look at other set ups and ways to work smarter and maximise income. Both parents not working 13 weeks of school hols doesn’t make sense if you need money.
If you are early years teacher you may find childminding would pay well, if secondary in a desirable subject like maths or science tutoring can pay very well.

In fact increasing their income by obtaining a short contract over the summer holidays would make it easier to pay for childcare during the coming year

It does all seem rather precarious and very stressful for both parents and grandparents

It is hard though- breakfast club just shut down at one of my children's schools as it was not financially viable and they couldn't get a company to take over. Working parents are very ill served by the private sector and absolutely ripped off compared with other countries in Europe which see it as a public service (either subsidised or paid for). That's not the providers fault, it's the governments.

Yes you need to get in touch with the club now and ask to go on a waiting list for mon-fri bf club and asap.

And look for childminders.

This really needs sorting op. You can't just go "oh what can I do?" And expect your parents to do this.

Or say "7.30 doesn't work" when it needs to work and you later said your husband could leave at 7.30.

This sounds soo tough for your family. One of our teacher friends picks up contract work in the school holidays in local kids clubs, maybe one of you could do this to enable you to pay for childcare through the week so you are not reliant on anyone else getting your kids to school.

I would have done it for holiday help. It’s all not sustainable though and you need to change things drastically.
You’ve got till September to make a change. I’d be hounding school and childminders to find appropriate childcare.
I think you need however you can mange to stop using your mum. It’s an awful lot for her. I’d be saving her for things like training days and illness.

I had a friend who had DD for 10 minutes every morning so I could make a train. All good. But then she moved countries! Reliable childcare is always better.

If you were my friend OP and I knew your circumstances I absolutely would do this for you and there's no way I'd let you pay me either! It takes a village and all that.

Oh sorry and yes it is a lot to ask of one friend, maybe you could share it around a bit, but to have that responsibility 4 days a week as a friend is a lot, but if you need to ask definitely offer a weeks cover each holiday and maybe 2 in the 6 weeks.

Exactly what I was going to say!... I'd happily exchange a few early mornings for a few half days in the holidays.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but I would - and have - done that for a friend. Offering babysitting is another option, as people always keen for a babysitter. And, if you have a spare room, is an au pair an option? We did that when our 4 were little as we both had early starts and no flexibility around start time. It’s a commitment in that you have someone staying with you all the time, but the children loved it and we are still in touch with our old au pairs.

Why 7am? What time do you start work? I'm sorry but expecting someone else to parent your two children 5 mornings a week is craziness. Why can't you get them up and ready and then someone else drop? Even that is a massive ask.

@SprinkleOfSunak - short term, relying on parents & friends is fine.

But long term, you need to sort something out that is permanent and durable for you.

I've been both, the parent that dropped other children off and needing my children to be picked up by someone else.

One thing I can tell you: don't rely on friends indefinitely. Their children might be poorly, they might not want someone popping round at 7am or they want to go somewhere fun straight after school.

I think you need to put your children on the waiting list for the breakfast club. It could work with the 7.30 drop-off from your husband. Then you could leave at 6am to get to school early - so you can leave school to get home at a reasonable time. I would try to minimise involvement from your parents if possible and I think the friend thing is likely to be more problematic than you think. This could go on for years.

Teacher? You could offer reciprocal childcare during the holidays one day a week?

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation but honestly I think you need to reassess your lifestyles/jobs and work out a transition to a life where you are less stressed, less financially stretched and less dependent on the goodwill of others. What you are asking of your mum is a massive ask and you surely cannot intend it to be a permanent solution for her to sacrifice her time to herself in retirement every weekday to solve your childcare issues. You must see that that's not fair. And if rates go up further, what is the plan? Work more hours and rely more on unpaid childcare from others? Whether it's moving, downsizing, changing the kids' schools or one of you changing jobs, something needs to give somewhere so you have more 'slack'.

This is massively taking the piss. Neither of you need to be at work before directed time starts - your dh particularly is taking the piss if he's leaving half an hour plus earlier than he needs to.

Teacher here too. He just needs to bring his work home with him like every other parent has to - not dump the kids on granny earlier or stay at school later because he prefers marking there or whatever the rationale is.

Your mother is getting up and dressed to lug to your house for 7, to get your kids up and fed and dressed and hang about till she takes them to school, then hang about for a bus, then walk home from the bus at the other end knowing she has to turn around and do it all again in a few hours! That's ridiculous!

You feel cheeky asking friends but you don't feel absolutely terrible about making this your mothers life?

You'll be on over 60k between you with no childcare bills - very far from the breadline. Taking on an extra days work will be bringing in another what 6k from September? Time to spend that on childcare and give your poor mother a life.

Ive helped on many school runs. But not 7am. So if was me the answer would be no. We don't even get up until 7.30.
To me asking a friend would be maybe from 7.45/8am it messes up people's routines.

I can't get over how sorry for your mother I feel and how stunned I am that you seem surprised that she didn't want to do it 5 days a week. Her life is totally ruled by you. They can never even take advantage of the price of a term time holiday because they're your unpaid lackies.

Your husband could easily be home till 7.45 by the sounds of it and have the kids up, dressed and fed with their school bags packed but instead chooses to go off to work and sit in his empty classroom in peace for an extra hour because poor old granny will do it. This is just ridiculous.

Hi OP. DH and I are also both teachers with young children, and also sometimes struggle with school run - same issue, that a have to be at school before primary drop off etc.

Get on the waiting list for breakfast/tea club. Yes, it's expensive, but in the long run it works out quite well and means you aren't beholden to anyone and can save favours for child of sick/INSED. When your children are a bit older they will be encouraged to get some homework done, which makes evenings much easier.

Your mum sounds shattered. You're asking a lot of her! That's a very early start. If DH can leave at 7.30 that would help - if she was doing only some days and starting a bit later that might win back some free will. It might also help if your children were dressed/breakfasted when she arrived - when my mum covers INSED I make sure my children are ready aside from breakfast, which is usually in progress when she arrives. Getting kids ready for school run is stressful!!!!

Definitely do ask friends for help, and as others have advised offer them something concrete in exchange in terms of reciprocal child care. I don't know exactly what you'd consider fair, but add up the total time and make sure you offer roughly the same. People that aren't term-time often spend a LOT on holiday card, so would really appreciate a reduction, and it's quite fun for your children.

Keep looking for somewhere to work with with shorter commute. I had a hideous year and a half of leaving ridiculously early (change in train services) and it makes a massive difference to me that I don't need to leave for my current school until 7.45. It makes everything so much easier.

Teaching is extremely inflexible during term time but you have to make it work. It’s not always easy.

If I was you I would be finding a childminder 3 mornings/nights a week. Husband will have to do drop offs and pick ups.

This will free up your lovely parents as it sounds as if they are struggling. My PIL do one day for us. They arrive at 730 and I am straight out of the door to work. They then take them to their house for an early tea and either my husband or I collect them.

Lots of people being critical of your spending but what you need is some financial advice. Off the top of my head can you extend your mortgage therefore reducing outgoings? Consolidate any borrowing? Mark exam papers?

If your parents do two consecutive days - can mum stay over, this might work out better for her?

Sending hugs x

We did this for a while with a friend - I dropped her kids and she picked mine up on a different day. It worked because it felt roughly even. I would bite your arm off if you offered some holiday childcare in exchange - definitely ask! Also if there are two families you're considering asking, would you perhaps ask if they'd be willing to alternate? One morning a fortnight isn't a big commitment.

This is absolutely ridiculous OP!! I can't believe you don't want to appear a 'cheeky fucker' to your friends but you're letting your parents do all this for you!!

You need a way to manage without that support. What's happens if one of your parents became ill and had a prolonged stay in hospital or something, what would you do then?

You say you don't want to be a CF but the amount you're asking of elderly parents is crazy. You also sound unbelievably ungrateful that your poor mum won't do the extra day either. Also don't see why you can't get your own kids dressed and fed by 7am tbh.

You need to find a longer term solution. Maybe a friend, and then you take their kids for a few weeks in the holidays to save them on holiday clubs.