Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Are you sure the wraparound care at school is full on Fridays? That day is usually the emptiest as anyone working part time is most likely to have friday off.

If your DH could drop the kids at early club at 0730 on at least 1-2 days a week, that would ease things a fair bit for your mum.

Or as another solution one could find a holiday job to help pay for wraparound care.

Sorry hadn't rtft 🤦‍♀️

I really think this is unworkable TBH. I am in my mid 50s and would struggle to do your Mums routine.I appreciate things are hard for you right now, I dont think you are selfish as such .But you are expecting a lot from DPs .They must be in their 60s or 70s and have had their family, and share of early mornings as well! Maybe ask a friend for the once a week ,but again its a big ask of someone .Can you not arrive at School at the correct time .Failing that maybe look at Breakfast Clubs.Your parents may get ill at some point or hopefully not but there could be a falling out if Mum becomes seriously pissed off.She was probably looking forward to some time to herself which is her right .She is not being awkward!

When my DS was younger and for a couple of months I took one of his friends with us to school. But I was going anyway, the boys were close friends and it wasn't from 7am. His friend's parents and I had a reciprocal arrangement though and helped each other as much as we could.

You could offer to have their children in the holidays?

You do sound a little like you think the rest of the world don't have to deal with this exact same problem every day. It's bloody hard but we have no right to free transport to school unfortunately

Can you move your children to the school where you work or close to where you work so you can take them on public transport with you when you leave in the morning and drop them off on your way? Would solve all the problems in one hit.

So many of these responses are really harsh. Is no-one else having a rough time juggling everything with small children, careers and rising cost of everything. Can you all give the OP a break please and not pile on to make her feel like a monster? 'Entitled, selfish' - when she was literally posting because she felt bad even thinking about asking a friend.

OP if you were my friend and our children got on well, I would be really happy to do this for you. I would absolutely understand your situation and it would be no biggie at all and I'd be happy that our children would get a chance to hang out so regularly and grow closer.

A significant portion of the rest of the world has more flexibility in their working hours than full-time teachers do.

I would do this for a friend once a week, but I would expect the child to arrive dressed and ready and no earlier than 7.30. Especially if they could do some summer holiday care!

I am possibly biased as we live far from family and have no help with childcare , but what you're asking from your mum is astonishing! I can understand that it's the way it's always been for you, but I think you need to really step back and see how much you're asking. And to admit you could have them ready and at hers if you were organised, but don't!! Your poor mum. You are expecting her to be ready to go pre-7, but this seems impossible for you- why?

Exactly this.

I think your only saving grace might be to offer childcare in return... which they won't take up, because they clearly have more flexible jobs that you, and they're your mates and feel bad putting it on you, and evenings will be tricky as your DH is out working his other job, so resentment may well still set in.

Your entire lifestyle relies far too much on other people and specifically on their goodwill. Can your parents never have a term-time holiday? Illness?

Very good luck finding a friend to do this, but do use the next 6 weeks to try and overhaul a few things so your position isn't quite so precarious.

I love my children and grandchildren and do provide childcare but I couldn't do what your mum is doing. When does she get time to do things for herself? She must be exhausted .
Can you investigate childminders? Many do school drop offs, there are bound to be some who cover your children's school

i think that would be fine if you could find someone willing but please be appreciative. My DD looked after a classmate of her own daughter for an hour after school for over a year. (She works from home). At the end of the time, ‘friend’ went to a different secondary school. DD was never given even a small token of appreciation nor did the other mother offer to have DGD for a day in the hols so DD could work in peace. I was fuming but DD just shrugged it off.

I still don't understand why you can't get them up and ready for school, including dressed and breakfast.
Plus it sounds like the breakfast club on Friday is absolutely do able, £140 a month for 2 kids isn't crazy and it doesn't start too late if your husband doesn't need to leave when you do.
You seem to think this is super unique but lots of teachers are married to teachers!

I don’t think it’s workable long term. All it takes is your mum ill, on holiday or friends kid ill and whole lot collapses. Throw in usual train issues.
I’m younger than your mum and wouldn’t fancy that every day, when is her leisure time. No flexibility to meet a friend for lunch etc without clock watching.
I’d spend time this summer really looking at options.
When you’ve factored in commutes etc is teaching viable? Depending what you teach tutoring may be lucrative or a wfh type role at local council.
More radical look at private boarding schools with staff accommodation here or abroad.

That’s such a tough situation. I think it’s far too much to ask of your parents, but appreciate that you are in a tough spot.

Is there any option to drop off at a friends slightly later? I would happily drop a friend’s child off at school but wouldn’t want them to arrive much earlier than I set off.

Offering holiday childcare is a brilliant idea though!

This sounds really tough @SprinkleOfSunak
walking someone’s kids to school is one thing. Having them in your home from 7.30 every morning and taking them in! Totally different ballgame!

As a grandparent who helps out with grandchildren, I agree wholeheartedly.

But she doesn't feel bad asking her mum even though it's clear her mum isn't coping and doesn't want to do it. I'm sure everyone is sympathetic but this problem needs to be solved by op and her dh, not by them relying on others to provide childcare.

Do your parents never want to go on holiday in term time? Does your mum not want a whole day out with friends or an early dinner in town before an evening out. How about a long lie on a dark November morning then brunch or a morning swim followed by a hair appt? I am not retired yet but this is the kind of retirement I am planning. Not every day of course and I will be happy to provide emergency child care if required but no way will I be doing all the before and after school care for the grandchildren.

You mention your dad works 3 days. Maybe your parents have plans for when your dad does retire similar to what I have outlined above. This is them pushing back as they are unhappy with the current situation. Take the hint and start looking for a long term solution to your child care/ financial predicament that does not involve monopolising your parents time. Your youngest is 5. How long did you expect your parents to do this for?

This is a really difficult situation for you OP and I can’t help but think there are some posters who really don’t understand the hours and inflexibility of teaching. 7am is not early for a teacher, most need to be in work before 8am to prepare for the day, many go in earlier. We cannot change our hours to start late and finish late/work flexibly; it’s just not possible in teaching where we don’t have a set number of hours we work a day and we have to be there when lessons start.
It is a huge ask of your parents and friends but I totally get why you need to do it. Apart from the holidays, teaching during term time is really not family friendly.

I’m sorry to hear you’re in this situation OP. Some people have suggested some really good ideas - looking at your budgets lifestyle as a whole. It’s a lot to put on your parents.

I would absolutely do this for a friend. One in particular who I’ve grown close too. Neither of us have family help and we’ve grown to support each other ad hoc. However we are close and I know she works really hard to sort childcare, as do I. I’d do this for her but I know she’d help me where she can. I guess what I’m saying - is this really depends on your friendships and if a friend feels similar.

It shouldn't be too difficult to earn an extra £140/month by for example by one or other parent working in a local pub one evening a week

I would be fine with a swap of children coming at 7.30am, but fully dressed and ready for school, happy to feed, for a week of childcare in the summer holidays. It would be polite to offer to pay, but I would do it for a good friend.

The rest of everything else about the grandparents responsibilities is unfortunately far too much for anyone. They must be up at 6 or earlier, and getting buses back and forth (presumably the mum has to return by bus and then go home by bus at home-time), it must take 5 or 6 hours a day at very inconvenient times, blocking their opportunities to do much else in the week.

My mum used to do two school pick ups a week and come an hour early to my house to whizz the hoover round, which was exceptionally generous. The deal was, though, that she would always go on holidays if she wanted and if she was ill (which happens naturally through the winter) she wouldn't come. So, we used afterschool club, breakfast club, the odd ask of another parent and taking time off work (which as a teacher is very hard) for everything else and either me/husband cut down our work week days and upped weekend work. I do wonder how this is going to play out as your parents presumably can't keep up another few years of this.

You're going to need to pay for child care - your parents dont want to be doing your dc shool run 5 days a week - and driving you to work?

If you're both working full time you should be able to afford a childminder