Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

I had an arrangement with a friend when my kids were smaller that I'd drop them at her house and she'd give them breakfast and do the school run. I paid her a bit for this, but I'd also done the school run for her son for an entire year before (she hadn't passed her driving test) for free (as I am lovely). So no I don't think it's unreasonable at all.

Stick something on the school forum and see what kind of response you get. People will generally help out if they can.

The only one who is harsh is the op and her taking complete advantage of her poor mother, when it is clear that it's taking it is toll. Op needs a complete wake up call and hopefully this thread will give her that. Still blows my mind the fact op is pissed off her mum doesn't want to get up at the crack of dawn 5 days a week during retirement and give up all her free time. Disgraceful behaviour.

My mum is a lifesaver. She picks my kids up two days a week for me and makes dinner those nights (I buy the food). I do think what you are asking is a huge amount of childcare but it must be very hard being teachers with set hours, I start at 9am to enable school drop off.

People on MN are weirdly obsessed with grandparents 'being taken advantage of' by their offspring when it comes to childcare. Every thread when someone dares admit they use their mother for childcare ends up in a pile-on.

Some grandmas LIKE helping their kids out when they can. It's actually normal (and before I get piled on - I don't live anywhere near mine, so didn't use her for childcare when my kids were small, and it was TOUGH not having her nearby.)

When do your parents get a break? They took care of you until you were sn adult and now your kids? It's too much to ask from them.

This is 7am every day getting kids up though and to school.

That's light years away from helping out after school or the odd babysitting horsey.

I wouldn't do that and I'm younger.

Your DM would probably feel less taken advantage of if you at least for got your own children dressed and fed for the day. Leaving all that to her, plus drop off just comes across a bit like 'I can't be arsed'.

@horseyhorsey17 I know lots of grandparents who do a couple of pick ups a week, or even stay over one night and do two days childcare a week. I don't know any that get up at 6am to get to the OP's for 7am and get their grandchildren up, then take the bus home, then come back and then come and get them (on the bus?) to pick up- and then presumably care for them til the parents return. That's actually a full-time job and unsociable hours, not suitable for people nearing retirement.

There's no harm asking. My mum used to have my friend and her brother round ours after school every Tuesday. As kids we loved it! I think a lot depends on how old the kids are.

But you are being CF with your parents. I feel sorry for them, assuming they parent you well and now they need to parents your kids. Arrive your home at 7 am to do get kids ready. It's like a job.
They are old and when do they get a little break from a life of work in one way or the other. Old people also do not have the same energy and health as younger people even of they are healthy and active for their age.

This is a very unfair way to treat your old parents.

This!

If you are reciprocating, and confident that they are good drivers, reasonable to me.

Only thought is how your or DHs non-teaching time is done, can be remote and not needing to travel at 7am every day?

I would speak to a mortgage advisor and change deal so payments cheaper per month, maybe a longer time frame to pay back? That would surely work better than having to rely on others for help with your kids? Hang in there because by year 5 the kids can take themselves to/from school independently!

I haven't seen it mentioned so apologies if it has, you need to look carefully at what the rules are for paying someone or offering reciprocal childcare who isn't a registered childminder. It's been a while since I looked into this kind of thing but remember there being a limit on how long someone non registered can look after your child in their home and whilst before school might be short enough, you offering in the holidays for full days won't be. It would be more than your jobs worth to get into trouble for unregistered childcare. 8 year old is fine (if it's still the same) but at 5 it's an issue. Is tutoring an option for the extra day?

Where are you reading that OP is pissed off?

"My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken."

Let’s call this what it is, financial exploitation. You are exploiting your mother who is manipulated into doing free labour for you. Your biggest dilemma is how to get someone else to work for you for free without coming across as a CF.

You could get a childminder. Or an au pair or put them in breakfast club. But you don’t want to pay. Why would you when you can get your mother to work around 20 hours a week for you for free.

If she arrives at 7 am I doubt she sits on your sofa for the next 2 hours. She’s probably washing your dishes and doing other household chores. It’s a disgusting way to treat someone.

Im betting you are an only child because if my sister financially exploited my mother like this I would have a lot to say about it.

Good point. 2 policewoman colleagues working opposite shifts fell foul of this a few years ago I recall.

@SprinkleOfSunak is there no way of getting your commute down? How about an e-bike? It'd mean you aren't tied to a single train.

You absolutely have to get your kids on the list for clubs - it'll be expensive, but you are asking way to much of your parents. It'll be ok for a bit, maybe, but at some point they'll crack, and if that happens, then the whole relationship will be damaged - don't do this!!

In the meantime, you might be able to find a friend who could have your (breakfasted, 100% ready for school, incredibly easy??) kids from 7.30 one day a week, if you can work out a VERY generous swap you can do with them. I had a swap w a friend for a few months (theoretically less onerous than this, and she's the dearest of dear friends) and it was sooooo draining. Can't tell you how pleased I was when it stopped working for her! I didn't want to pull the plug (because I knew it would screw her over) but it was too hard!

When DS was young DM came and looked after him once a fortnight as our CM didn't work that day. That or say one day a week are about as much as people should reasonably expect of their DPs even if they offer more.

Different maybe if it's the DCs walking to the DGPs after school when they are older, but here the DGM is being made to do the majority of the parenting during term time, with early starts as well.

It’s a huge toll on grandma though. She’s doing both shifts. What time is she up to be at yours for 7am? The pressure on her as you have no plan B. If she wakes up feeling poorly she has to come or else you or your husband can’t work. Not sure her age but if she’s menopausal and not sleeping that’s a horrible time to be up.
Then she minds for 2 hours.
Then again another 2 hours minimum every afternoon.
It’s a huge imposition.

If grandparents don't offer, don't choose to 'do childcare' then it absolutely is taking advantage of them. What parents are doing by foisting this on their own parents is taking away the grandparent role, rubbishing it by making their own parent a de-facto guardian, no longer able to pick and choose nice days out with their grandchildren but annexed as staff. That's pathetic.

If grandparents want to do this, that's fine, their choice but to have that thrust on them is supremely unfair.

It's not a 'MN thing' either, it's having consideration for everybody involved rather than encroaching on relationships and changing them without thought or consent, just force.

If we're ever grandparents then we'll help our children as much as we can but not a chance will our children be given the message that they can 'use' us for regular childcare.

I wonder if you could find a local childminder, your 8 year old wouldn't count in their numbers. School should hold a local list. I had to use an early morning CM from 7am (also had no flexibility) and we barely made ends meet for a couple of years, but in a few years your eldest can go to school by themselves so it really is about tightening your belt just for a bit.

Also friends of mine had an arrangement where she did school run a few days and her friend gave her Morrisons vouchers so she wasn't officially getting paid but wasn't out of pocket.

My sil is a teacher and ended up working at the same school her son went to for similar reasons. She only moved after he was the age she would have taught though 😂 I'm thinking you both must be secondary.

There is no way you can carry on expecting GPs to effectively parent your children in the morning though. At the very least you should al be getting up earlier to get them all ready. This might make it easier for them to carry on supporting with childcare. I appreciate you must be feeling stressed and desperate right now but other people doing free childcare doesn't work for them long term even if friends or family.

Couldn't you move nearer to one of the schools you teach at? I presume they're in opposite directions or you'd likely be sharing transport. Both of you travelling at least 45 minutes to do a job like teaching seems mental when there are schools everywhere.

This isn't a problem that's about to go away.

I do think for a start if you do what most parents do and make sure your kids are up, dressed, fed and ready to rock before handing over care to your parents it'll likely make them a lot less stressed. Couldn't your husband drop the kids at theirs on the way to work, so around 7.40?

I'm afraid I agree with this.

OP, your or your husband need to cover this or find someone who can, and yes, you'll likely have to pay for a childminder. Alternatively, can you transfer your children to one of the schools you teach in?

The other option is one of you needs to change your hours or find a role that will allow you to do so. it's not your parents' responsibility to sort this for you. They have their own lives, which will be quite restricted if they can't go anywhere because of your childcare issues.

Only other thought is an au pair or willing teenager doing a gap year to babysit before/after school.