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Original poster

Friends taking our children to school?

463 replies

SprinkleOfSunak · 19/07/2023 10:22

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

OP posts:
Hugasauras · 19/07/2023 16:14

Do you have debt, OP? Or what's making finances so hard? You both must have decent enough salaries, you aren't paying for childcare, so where is all the money going? How much is your mortgage now? Have you gone through all your finances properly and tried different scenarios?

Oneanddone88 · 19/07/2023 16:17

Op, it is so difficult. I've just had to leave a super amazing school for a teaching job closer to home (taking a pay cut too), as it's not doable anymore. I used to commute an hour each way for years. My DD is starting school and it's no longer feasible.
Anyway , another school mum and me are going to be helping each other out. I'm going to take the load more in the holidays and she is going to do some drop offs for me. My partner and I were both an hour away from our hometown, but now my DD is starting school we had to make a change. Wishing you lots of luck, it's a nightmare

Original poster
SprinkleOfSunak · 19/07/2023 16:17

I’ve had to take a break from here, as I needed to do much housework.

I have read few a fair few replies since stepping away, and I want to thank those of you who have provided some really useful advice, and those of you who have not been judgemental and made assumptions based upon what I’d said in my original post.

Based upon some of the horrible assumptions I read about me when scrolling through one page, I just cannot read any more comments, as I’m sure there will be more nasty comments and I am really not in the emotional or mental state to read such untruths about myself.

I suffer from depression and anxiety, and this whole financial situation we are in is making me so ill. I’m terrified about how I will cope working full time, but have no choice, and also feel dreadful about childcare arrangements.

Just to clarify…

We have a tiny family and we love and respect one another dearly.

I told my parents a few years ago that I would need to return to work after being a SAHM, and they both offered straightaway to do the childcare for us - I never even had to ask them. I have worked 4 days a week ever since.

My Mum loves spending time with my children. She used to work with children and took early retirement, and has always missed the children since.

My parents have never expected, or taken any money when we’ve offered it. I have always bought them plenty of treats like alcohol, flowers and chocolates, have them to ours so I can cook for them, taken them out for meals (when I could afford it).

I won’t be returning to this chat I started - some of you will understand.

The nastiness on Mumsnet is why I hardly ever post anymore. I read so much on here, and post after post is filled with assumptions, and people not reading the original post properly and replying so harshly.

OP posts:

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GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/07/2023 16:19

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Cherryana · 19/07/2023 16:20

Is there any way you can stay at four days a week and pick up a client to tutor once a week. It’s not your day rate but it will go towards stuff and would be better than nothing.

What you are losing by working that day is any sort of flex for the inevitable child illnesses. I worry about that. I am also thinking about you and the housework/washing/life admin. I tried to teach full time when my children were small and I just remember life being a perpetual January.

I would also look to diversify your childcare through looking for a childminder who does pick up and drop off’s at your children’s school.

Cherryana · 19/07/2023 16:21

Oh - you must have written that you were off whilst I was writing. Oh well..

Noicant · 19/07/2023 16:22

Try interest only temporarily to take some pressure off and give yourself some flexibility if you need to pay someone to help out.

SheilaFentiman · 19/07/2023 16:22

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This is really nasty. Many people have been absolutely horrible to OP and not in the least constructive.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/07/2023 16:24

SheilaFentiman · 19/07/2023 16:22

This is really nasty. Many people have been absolutely horrible to OP and not in the least constructive.

Show quote history

See my previous posts to OP.

She is only reading what she wants to read and then surprise surprise posts the depression and anxiety card by way of a drip feed.

She and other parents who have grandparents as childcare don’t realise how lucky they are as my grandparents certainly never offered.

Livinginanotherworld · 19/07/2023 16:26

Intriguedbythis · 19/07/2023 16:02

I would be SO disappointed if my mother did that to me. Could she not try and understand you’re in dire straits and could lose your home?

really disappointing

if you were my friend I would happily do that favour for you - but- other kids may get poorly etc and can manage it getting complicated

I hope your mother wraps her head around the fact your mother / grandmother duties should involve stepping TF up in a crisis xx

Bloody hell, the grandparents already do way too much….they’ve had years of getting up early and doing their own school runs, but they are still having to get up at the crack of dawn nearly every morning and have to be available after school as well ? And your poor Mum having to get the bus home afterwards too. That is a massive piss take !
Op you are really taking advantage of them. You choose to have kids, if you don’t have the time nor the money to look after them properly then why did you bother ??

Not being organised enough to get your own children up washed and dressed in the morning ?? How do you think everyone else manages ?

One of you needs to either change their job, change hours, work nearer to home for the foreseeable, don’t expect others to run around after you, looking after the children you chose to have. If you need to leave the house that early, then learn to drive so you can leave later rather than rely on public transport.

Fwiw I do help out with my grandchildren as well, but there’s helping out and taking advantage. You don’t sound grateful at all for what they already do.

If you lose your house, that unfortunately is life for a lot of people, cut your cloth, downsize if necessary, but don’t guilt trip them into being responsible for that.

swallowedAfly · 19/07/2023 16:27

SheilaFentiman · 19/07/2023 16:12

OP has explained this

Show quote history

She really hasn't - she's explained his preference and as teachers others, including myself, have pointed out that it is just a preference and neither of them need to be in school before directed time or after and they just have to bring their non directed time work home to do like every other working parent teacher tends to if they don't have an unpaid house elf mother or paid childcare.

There is literally no need for either of them to leave at 7 - they just prefer it that way.

cannaecookrisotto · 19/07/2023 16:35

This is a lot for your parents to take on. I'm not surprised she's reluctant to take a 5th day and I'm a bit Hmm that you're saying "despite my parents knowing the situation you're in financially". You're in fact not entitled to childcare from your parents.

It's not on to make your parents feel like they have to do another day or you can't pay your mortgage. 7am starts are a joke, not even arriving to dressed kids, then she has to piss around getting the bus back and forth.

I'm a full time working mum and if somebody asked me to do this I'd have to say sorry but no. I'm already juggling my own house in the mornings. There is no amount of money that could be offered to make me agree.

Find a childminder.

Wheresmemum · 19/07/2023 16:36

I had to do similar with my kids. A lovely local mum, well known at the school and who lived near the school offered to have them in the mornings and drop them off at school. She charged £2 per morning (her rate, not mine, but I was amazed it was this low!) and was a qualified TA and childminder. At the time though she wasn't working because she had her own little ones to look after, so was a stay at home mum. Is there someone similar and a local mum you could ask? I know some stay at home mums wouldn't mind because their going to school anyway and the extra money helps them too!

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 19/07/2023 16:36

SprinkleOfSunak · 19/07/2023 10:22

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Completely not normal. School run is one of the most stressful parts of the day and nobody will want your kids thrown into the mix on a regular basis. In an emergency, yes but not as a service. Where does level of nuttiness come from in some people.
That's why childminders charge what they charge for a school drop.

Elephantsdontlikechocolate · 19/07/2023 16:40

SprinkleOfSunak · 19/07/2023 10:22

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

You need to book your parents in for a psychiatry assessment. And safeguard your kids from them.

Alwaystired2023 · 19/07/2023 16:44

I don't think you're being unreasonable asking someone - this is life! Some of your friends start late enough to drop their own kids, you don't. It's just the way it goes. I would definitely agree to do this for someone and you have an easy way to pay back the favour :)

Lacucuracha · 19/07/2023 16:46

The nastiness on Mumsnet is why I hardly ever post anymore. I read so much on here, and post after post is filled with assumptions, and people not reading the original post properly and replying so harshly.

Most people have tried to offer constrcutive advice, why not acknowledge that?

Wanttobefree2 · 19/07/2023 16:48

Could you see if you could get a local uni student/ Au pair/ or similar to do the school run once or twice a week in the mornings to take the pressure off your mum?

changeyerheadworzel · 19/07/2023 16:48

So your parents have been doing this a few years. You have never paid for childcare. Your mum has to get up at cockcrow to be at your house for 7am to get your kids up and dressed and fed because you cannot be "organised" enough to at least have that done. You have 2 decent wages coming in, don't pay for childcare, what makes you so different from the thousands of other people in the same position who have to pay for childcare and not take the absolute PISS out of your mother who needs to bloody well bus it in all weathers with your kids to get them to and from school and then mind them again until you come home and you now say they are REFUSING to take the kids FIVE mornings a week but will only agree to 4 mornings and FIVE evenings so you have to find some other poor mug to dump your kids on at 7 am whom you also won't pay. Absolute disgraceful carry on running your parents into the ground like that....talking about your Mum's reluctance on that ONE day for pick up. WHAT would you do if your Mum became ill, you would have to do something then wouldn't you?

Merryhobnobs · 19/07/2023 16:52

I have friends in my village that we did this with. Parental help has never been an option for us so we have had to figure out other ways. It is reciprocal though, we do things for them too.

GotMooMilk · 19/07/2023 16:53

OP I can feel your worry and stress and I think so many of us are feeling similarly at the moment. You've had some helpful constructive replies but I agree that you are asking way way too much of your parents currently. My brother is a teacher and sometimes leaves at 7am so he can get some work done early but wouldn't if he didn't have childcare. There must be a solution as most teachers don't have parents who can do that much childcare (and it is a huge amount! You have been SO lucky so far we pay for every moment of childcare we need).
Could you consider a change in job? A teacher friend of mine now works for Ofsted and has much better hours but still term time. Another friend does full time supply so doesn't have to get there as early and leaves on the dot. These are the kind of compromises posters mean.

SheilaFentiman · 19/07/2023 16:55

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 19/07/2023 16:24

See my previous posts to OP.

She is only reading what she wants to read and then surprise surprise posts the depression and anxiety card by way of a drip feed.

She and other parents who have grandparents as childcare don’t realise how lucky they are as my grandparents certainly never offered.

Show quote history

It's not a f*king card.

I'm glad OP has hidden this and I will; too now.

SheilaFentiman · 19/07/2023 16:57

swallowedAfly · 19/07/2023 16:27

She really hasn't - she's explained his preference and as teachers others, including myself, have pointed out that it is just a preference and neither of them need to be in school before directed time or after and they just have to bring their non directed time work home to do like every other working parent teacher tends to if they don't have an unpaid house elf mother or paid childcare.

There is literally no need for either of them to leave at 7 - they just prefer it that way.

Show quote history

she has said that her DH goes in early so that he can get back early and relieve the DM

HangerLaneGyratorySystem · 19/07/2023 16:57

Glad the OP has left the thread because people are basically saying the same thing over and over again, so what if its too much for her parents - yes she knows that, now they've said, its being sorted. Why is everyone so jealous that this poster has had help?!

Josephinehetty · 19/07/2023 16:59

I certainly used to do this for friends - actually several over the years - as I did the school run. I think it's easier for them than it is for your parents. What you expect of your parents is a huge commitment. Mine certainly would have refused.