Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

Loads of jobs have set hours. At one time I worked in a shop. Shop opened at 8:30. I was on my own there so I had to be there to open up. No excuses.
I've also worked shifts as a nurse and long hours as a social worker. I worked full time, had 3 kids, a husband in an equally stressful and inflexible job. No family nearby. It was incredibly hard work. However, they were our children, we chose to have them and the least we could do was get them dressed and fed in the morning.
OP you are coming across as spoilt, entitled and lazy.

This reminds me, I used to meet a lovely elderly lady on my walk to and from taking my DC to the school, she was a neighbour who lived alone and hadn't got any family of her own so sort of became adopted by this family and she helped out with their childcare. She used to do the school runs and offered her time to help out this family as it meant she built up a lovely relationship with the DC and was quite lonely. The difference here is I dont think she had such an early start as you require, she just collected the children dropped them off at school and then collected, took home for tea until parents returned from work. I dont have any DGC myself yet, and am thinking I would happily drop off for a family if needed as it would be nice for me too, however not everyone would have that time to commit and may also not want to spend it with other DC, but there may be someone who would welcome to become involved in something like this. This was quite unusual though, she was in her 80s but very fit and spritely.

I'm a teacher and my husband is just about able to squeeze in taking them 2 days a week. Before then he does some work to account for the time he spends doing the school run. Rest of time in the morning it's paid childcare. Afternoon pick ups vary. I am up early doing tea in slow cooker, making sure bags are sorted, wake them
up early to get them dressed, do their hair etc. On days in childcare I drop them off. It's a rush and childcare isn't cheap but it's what needs to be done.

I think you and your husband should alternate leaving later because expecting your mum to do everything from 7 is such a big ask? And is this after school as well?

I would be SO disappointed if my mother did that to me. Could she not try and understand you’re in dire straits and could lose your home?

really disappointing

if you were my friend I would happily do that favour for you - but- other kids may get poorly etc and can manage it getting complicated

I hope your mother wraps her head around the fact your mother / grandmother duties should involve stepping TF up in a crisis xx

A neighbour asked me if I could watch her dd after school every day for 45 mins. I said no. She said that her hours had changed and she just needed someone to have her for about half an hour. I said no. She said how hard it was to find a babysitter for 20 minutes. I said no. She chatted on about how she had to catch a different bus which meant her dd was home 10 minutes before her. I said no. She said all she needed was somewhere for her dd to wait for 5 minutes.

It was really hard to keep saying no. I get she was desperate but you could tell she was going to push it and I would end up having her dd for 3 hours every day. Not saying you will take the piss OP but it's not fair to put others in the position of having to say no.

Can you find a babysitter that's available in the mornings and pay them to collect your children (already dressed, fed and ready to go) and just do the school run for you.

So it's all just poor you and no thought for your mother or all the suggestions given here? Why is your husband leaving for school at 7am?

It's hard to read tough advice, but I hope you are able to reflect and move forward. You are clearly in a pickle and I hope the holidays give you some space to come up with a better plan.

You say you are broken so don't break your mum or your relationship with her.

Plenty of us here know how tough it is juggling children, full time work and commuting. (Personally I struggled with 2 under 5s and both of us working shifts over 7 days including earlies, lates & nights when there were no nurseries). What I would do is to remind you about the "if you always do what you always did" saying. It sounds like you need fundamental change or you will always get what you always got.

If you are struggling on a reasonable income without paying for childcare then I really would look at where you can cut outgoings. If not you are putting too much pressure on yourselves.

Gosh it sounds really tough but I agree that it's one thing asking friends to take your kids to school as they take their own, another thing dropping them off at 7am. I would happily do the former, but 7am we would still be in bed or just in the process of getting up, then we would have to get our own own kids ready, get ourselves ready, etc. I would do it as a one-off to help out but I wouldn't be able to do it as a regular thing as it would make our lives a lot more stressful.

I think you really need to try find something else. See if there's anyone nearby who would help out for a bit of cash in hand or something or have a total reevaluation of your lives. If you can't afford or manage your current way of life then maybe something has to change, hard as that may be to accept.

Another obvious question - did you ask your mother if she wanted to increase her unpaid job to 5 days a week before taking on another days work or just assume she'd cover it?

Really???

I would be SO disappointed if any of my children thought and behaved like you. Could you not try to understand that OP's mother isn't able to do more than she is doing already?

I would expect YOU to step the fuck up and sort out your own childcare requirements instead of expecting everybody else to step in and sort it out for you to their detriment, Intriguedbythis.

You sound very manipulative.

I'm not a grandparent but I find your views very entitled.

OP's mother is already doing FOUR days of wraparound care twice a day. Do you even understand what a huge commitment that is? And for you to say this is a 'duty' is incredibly selfish.

At the end of the day, the only people who have a 'duty' to care for their children are the parents. The grandparents have done their 'duty' by launching their fully fledged children into the world, now OP and her DH need to do the same.

This could be a commitment of many years, I really feel for OP's parents.

But it’s not a crisis. A crisis is a one off and unexpected, OP has carefully chosen to be in this position.

Grandparent duties mean emergency babysitting or the occasional overnight stay for fun. Being a grandmother does equal having to do morning routine and school run four days out of five. That’s a parenting responsibility that if a parent can’t fulfil, they should be paying someone else to fulfil for them. They shouldn’t take the piss out of ageing parents who clearly don’t want to do it.

People aren’t being judgmental far from it!

Your work and childcare needs have changed and you’re getting a message loud and clear from your parents that they’re finding this difficult to do for you. Suppose one of them became long term sick or wasn’t there anymore? What would you do then?

Years ago my DM worked as a teacher and had to get me and my DB off to school and then herself to work which was a good 20-30 minutes drive. There were no breakfast clubs then, so we had to go to school early. There were a few parents who could’ve helped at a push but at 7am most had their own families to contend with. You may be lucky to find a parent who’ll do this for you in return for you having their kids over half term (the least you could do in return might I add) but as others have said you need to sort childcare, and on a long term basis. Or look at moving schools, house etc.

You don’t seem to realise just how lucky you’ve had it so far with your parents help and now they’re kicking back (they’ve worked hard all their lives so deserve a rest) you seem ungrateful and entitled. Sorry if you don’t like hearing home truths.

I did this for a friend for about 2 years - had her dd several mornings a week from 7am until school drop off. I hated it tbh and found it really stressful but she was a single parent, desperate and had no other options.

If you are really stuck, just ask. Definitely offer to help out in school holidays to reciprocate. They may feel pressured to say yes if they know you're desperate but they'll think you're a cheeky fucker if you don't make that clear.

If they really don't want to do it, they can say no.

OP has carefully chosen to be in this position.

That's quite harsh. OP, like many others is finding it hard to make ends meet. The COL is impacting people in different ways.

And yes, OP's parents are doing a huge amount. Having to get up at the crack of dawn four days a week to then get children ready for school and then pick them up too. They would be perfectly within their rights to do none of it, and I think it's incredibly generous and OP is extremely lucky to have that support. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. They are telling you that it's too much to add more, and that has to be respected.

They're not going to lose their home for goodness sakes. They're bringing home over 60k and must have saved fortune over all those years when interest rates were low and they weren't paying for any childcare.

There will be ways and solutions but the OP has just taken on another days work assuming her mother will do even more and is shocked to find that there is actually a limit to what she can cope with. She has a whole six weeks off now to try and sort something out for September.

Both her and her husband are literally choosing to leave at 7am when they don't have to. They've chosen never to put their names down for after school and breakfast club or for childminders. I feel sympathy for people who are struggling obviously but in this circumstance I feel far more sympathy for the grandmother.

She reminds me of Julia in Motherland. I’m not even joking!

A crisis is a one off though eg wrap around closed or child ill.
What do you do if your mum & dad book a holiday or she wants to go on a day trip or is sick or has an operation.

I remember when my BIL had first grandchild of the family and MIL said very directly she is not free regular childcare, I have my own life! I was like wow! But man 20 years later I totally respect why she said that.

7 am is way too early, I'd be getting up and getting myself sorted out at that time. It's also a long time for your dressed and fed children to sit around in someone else's house while they all get on with their morning. If you really have to be out of the house by then, it sounds as though you have a 1.5 hr journey to your own schools. One of you may have to consider a job-share, or a change of job. You can't expect other people to sort out your problems for you on a long-term basis.

OP has explained this