Friends taking our children to school?

[SprinkleOfSunak]

My Husband and I will both be teaching full time from September (I currently do 4 days), and he will also be continuing to work some evenings and weekends in a second role - all this extra work purely to pay our mortgage thanks to it increasing rapidly. We are struggling to make ends meet.

My parents currently do the school runs 4 days per week (I do the remaining day), coming over at 7am and getting our 2 young children ready for school and feeding them, dropping them off, then picking them up at the end of the school day and looking after them until one of us arrives home. They live a 10 minute drive away, and my Dad has to drive towards us to work (Mum is retired).

They have refused to do the school run 5 days a week, saying my Mum needs a break. I can understand this, but they are also aware of our dire financial situation. We will lose our home if I don’t go full time.

The breakfast/after school club is fully booked with a long waiting list, and even if it were available, it’d cost £35 per day for both my children, so £140 per month for the 4 days per month, and opens at 7.30 which is too late for us.

My parents are telling us to drop off my 2 girls at one of their friends’ houses once a week, and that my Mum will reluctantly pick them up from school on that day.

Is this acceptable/normal to ask a friend to do this? It’d be every once every single week, dropping them off at 7am. The 2 sets of parents I’d trust my children with also have 2 children, and work full time (some from home), but don’t start work until 9 or 9.30, and so they do the school run.

I feel so cheeky and upset to ask a friend this. I’m in tears writing this, as I feel so desperate.

My parents do so much for us, and I don’t want to sound ungrateful, or like I expect them to be available to me 4 days a week, I just feel exhausted and broken.

It's not a 'MN thing' either, it's having consideration for everybody involved rather than encroaching on relationships and changing them without thought or consent, just force.

I think it's also the sort of thing where people won't criticise you to your face if they think you're taking advantage of grandparent childcare, they'll nod and smile.

I know a lot of parents who speak about how much the grandparents do it, and they'd be lost without it but sure the grandparents just love spending time with the grandkids. And I know several grandparents who speak of doing too much feeling tied, needing to learn to say no.

Could you negotiate with your work to start 30 minutes later each day, I know you would need to be there to teach the class but if your school could allow the teaching assistant (if you have one) to get the children settled and then you arrive half an hour later, allowing you the time to get your children up and ready for school it may work. Its a hard one, I say that as the DD of a teacher who used to be taken to school by her friend and neighbour and collected by my gran for many years, and now my own DD is also a teacher and I do understand that reducing hours etc is frowned upon in that profession but I just wondered if there is perhaps another way to resolve this.

You've had tonnes of replies but I would very happily do this for a friend!

Especially in return for a few days off in the holidays, holy grail of trade offs if you ask me!

I'm a teacher myself with 3 dc. I pay a lady for an hour in the morning and an hour after school. If my dc are sick, I have to take a family illness day. I take paperwork home with me.

Both sets of grandparents have passed away and no other family nearby. However, even if they were around, there is absolutely NO WAY I would have ever asked my dm to do what you are asking. And if she offered out of kindness, I would have refused as it's far too much. When she was alive, she always happily helped out the odd day if my minder was sick or whatever but those days were seldom.

I'm so shocked when I hear people speak like you do. As if it's your right to have free childcare from parents who have raised their own children and should now be enjoying their retirement. As PP's have said, she should be enjoying brunch with retired friends without keeping an eye on the clock, mid week breaks with your father etc etc. Not setting her alarm clock for 6am 4 out of 5 mornings. And then you expect her to also do the pick up on her one free day?!!!

Did you not think of all the issues that arise from having dc before you had them? The costs involved? Or did you always plan on taking advantage of your mother's kind nature to mainly raise your children for you and your dh term time? We went years without holidays abroad when the dc were young as so much of our income was taken up with childcare costs and our mortgage. They were our most expensive outgoings. It sounds like you have never paid for a day's childcare in your life. But that is something you should have factored into the equation when you decided to have dc.

I know I sound harsh but I think you need to give yourself a shake. You don't even bother getting more organised and up a little earlier so the dc are dressed and fed before your mother arrives. You gave up looking for local teaching jobs after that one interview didn't work out.

My advice would be to spend the summer applying for teaching jobs close to your home. In Ireland, schools are crying out for teachers. Not sure where you are obviously but it might be the same there. That would solve a lot of your issues. Then find a local person, preferably someone with a child in your dc's school, and pay them to take your childen for an hour before and after school. Leave your school as soon as you can at the end of the day and do your planning etc at home. Obviously, your dh could be the one to work locally either. If you need more money, then find a weekend job or teach grinds. Then say a HUGE thank you to your mother for giving up all her free time for so many years and buy her a midweek break voucher to enjoy with your dad sometime.

It's a big ask but I would do it for a few close friends if they were really stuck. Mornings are manic enough though, so I would want the children dropped at mine dressed, hair done, bag packed, teeth brushed, etc so I could plonk them down with a bowl of cereal and a drink while I get on with getting myself and my own child ready to leave. I have holiday childcare sorted but a lot of working parents struggle to cover this with 2x25 days of leave, so the suggestion to offer holiday childcare in return is a good one.

Not sure where you teach but if I was in your situation I would be asking for a transfer due to a change in circumstances.

Ask for your non class contact time to be a Friday morning so you can do the school run first then head in.

Tell the dcs school about your situation and beg for a place at breakfast and after school clubs.

Instead of taking on the 5th day at your own school go on the supply list and only accept local schools so you can still do the school run.

I certainly wouldn’t have taken on the extra day without sorting my child care out first. Arriving 5 mins before starting is fine as long as you are prepared, part of the joy of teaching is you can take work home and do it at a time that suits you. For me that’s when dc are in bed.

Working the extra day isn’t worth the amount it would cost in child minded fees if that’s the route you need to go down. I get that mortgage rates have increased for many but there must be cut backs you can make. I wish we had 2 teacher salary’s in my house we’d be minted.

Yes. Could you use your PPA time to do one pick up and your dh could use his PPA time similarly.

This situation sounds impossible really. I think you have to move. Either near your parents or near one of your schools. You having a long commute, your husband having a long commute and your dad driving your mum and your mum getting a bus sounds like a nightmare.

Tell the dcs school about your situation and beg for a place at breakfast and after school clubs.

Yes, I'd do this too.

Came on to suggest this. You could probably manage a reciprocal arrangement with a good friend.

If your parents are ok with 4 days a week for now then I would take that at face value.

I had your problem 2 days a week as a single parent. A couple of solutions worked - both really well.

For 1year I did ask a friend who was taking her kids anyway and offered to pay her cash - she really appreciate ms the money. My kids were both in uniform and had had b'fast when I dropped them off.

For the other 2 years I found a TA at the school they were at for after school and paid the for after school care. Could this work before school too?

Before school I posted on the local forum for a mum or childminder who was dropping their kids at the school anyway. That worked really well too. (Childminder worked out as did local mum situation)

There is always a solution. You just have to think around it. It doesn't matter if it's not a friend. Just someone that you make a connection with through putting sone feelers out who you trust.

In many ways it's better it not being a friend as then you are keeping your friendship and money separate

OP,

In your place I would be looking to get in an au pair to do this or someone who is looking for a room in exchange for this.

I think your mother is going to get tired of this big ask very quickly.

An au pair that could do this for you 5 mornings a week and share the pick ups to the two days your father is off might work.

Or could you ask a friend to do this 5 mornings and you will give her equal hours childcare during the summer holidays?

Make it a really attractive offer for someone working who lives nearby.

Keep your parents for illness and emergency care.

Years ago in my eldest sons primary class, a group of working mothers got together and did summer childcare between them. They each took a week off and had all of the children over for their week.

It must have worked out as they did it for several years.

You need to find someone who could benefit from what you can offer.

That will make the 7am start far more palatable.

To be honest mornings are stressful and most parents have their own children to worry about. As a one off favour, absolutely! But definitely wouldn’t as a regular thing.

Childminder near school is a better idea.

You’re in a difficult position. But your parents and possibly the friend are being put in difficult positions too. Is there any way to get a job where you are able to get the kids to school and back yourself? Or downsize, yes you addressed that but the mortgage sounds untenable. Are there other things to scrimp on so that you could go part time in a different job. Your mother can’t handle all this, she is agreeing out of guilt that she shouldn’t be made to feel. A lot of pressure on her because of the choices you and your husband have made. It’s like you refuse to take no for an answer. That’s not right. I would look at it like this, what if you didn’t have your parents or friends to depend on? What changes would you have to make? I’d make those changes.

You’re expecting other people to make your life the way you want it. To facilitate your life. That is not right, ethically. Your mother is not up to it and she shouldn’t be forced. You admit how hugely your parents have helped you. She’s trying to tell you that you continually taking and taking is wearing her down to a nub. She is basically doing a job for free while you get paid. No. You wouldn’t dream of working for free would you? Why should she? You’re taking advantage of her love. Four days a week were too much now you want to make it five.

It is you who needs to change things and stop taking advantage of parents and friends. Get a house you can afford on one full income and one part time income. The school may not be the one you want. The house may not be the one you want. Time for you to make sacrifices, not your mother. She’s made plenty already. I couldn’t believe what I was reading with your post. Very selfish.

I'd do this for a friend as both my partner and I are lucky enough to have very flexible and remote jobs. In return I would rather have you do the favour of babysitting once a month so I can spend time with my partner as we have no family nearby. This would seem fair swaps.

Do you like where you live Op? Teaching pays similar anywhere out of London I think.
If you are in an expensive area a move to cheaper while both children are small could make a massive difference to you all.

I've been the friend in this situation and it's a big ask. I'd only do it if I was getting something worthwhile in return. It may seem a minor favour given your friend is going there anyway. But it isn't when you add in the impact of dealing with 2 others , arguments , people being late etc.

If a friend asked me and I was doing school run anyway I would happily add 2 more. I would also be happy to tell them if I couldn’t do it.

we’re pretty lucky because at our school people do tend to help eachother out pretty often.

The idea of babysitting an evening a month seems like a pretty good return favour to me!

This is a very wise post.

I haven’t read the thread but in my circles this would be normal & someone would do it. I think I would expect you’d help me out a bit in the holidays when you’re off work (as a teacher).

this week I’ve got to drop DC1 miles away for work experience & a friend has had my other kids at 7.30 every morning. Then today she needed a hand so I’ve got her kids after school. Ive got 3 friends we swap around like this with.

@sandrene

I have been so busy this afternoon with housework, and had to step back from reading any messages on here.

When I returned, I saw your thoughtful and sensitive message - thank you so much for that. I then saw some really horrible, judgmental things that had been said about me by others. It’s amazing how many people are so quick to judge, and to kick someone like me, who has already said in the original post that I was crying as I type, and feel totally broken.

I think it's a lot to ask of anyone tbh, you really need to think of solutions which do not rely on other people. I understand your parents reluctance. As for asking another parent - dealing with somebody else's children in the morning, as well as your own (at that age our mornings were rarely plain sailing) is hard. Having to get up and be ready to receive their children by 7am, is even harder. I chose a school near to our home and a job where I could work flexibly, just so that we didn't have to have an early start. I was in the 'happy to do it for a friend/parent' club until I did it for a week - I wouldn't do it again. Nobody is at their best in the morning. I had to be up early, couldn't walk around half naked eating cereal as usual, one of the siblings didn't want to go to school so had a tummy ache/earache/headache/ every day as soon as it was time to leave, and on the final day, my son had an upset stomach - fortunately my neighbour was available to sit with him while I took the other kids to school, otherwise none of us would have been going anywhere. TBH it sounds like both of you being teachers isn't working - is there an option of doing something else, even for a few years. Otherwise you could consider paid childcare options, but that would defeat the object of earning more money. Are there any childminders bringing children to your school? They might be able to have an extra 2 for a couple of hours. I hope that you find a solution, it sounds tough.

I would do it for my friend once a week - of course it would be difficult to have two more kids that early but I would perhaps tell them to sit in the kitchen with some cereal while our usual chaos ensues!

I think it is a lot to expect another parent to take two extra children in the mornings or even after school. I have three children and it has been challenging to get them all to school, managing their emotional needs as well as ensuring everyone has what they need in terms of PE kit, after school sports kit, reading diaries, special homework, etc etc.

It sounds like you are in a really stressful place. Your husband also has to help. you find a solution to this.. managing the relationship with your parents, which is already strained and potentially adding a strained friendship relationship to the mix puts a huge emotional burden on. your shoulders.

I know that he is taking on additional evening and weekend work to bridge the income / expense gap so of course his input is already important.

Can you go back to your income and expenses, line by line and see where you can make adjustments? Is there anyway that your husband can leave later? I suspect timetables are already fixed so that might not be an option. Can you look for someone to come to your house in the mornings and take your children to school... this is one of the most difficult childcare time slots to cover. You could reach out, outside of your friend circles and see if someone would be open to an exchange.. one morning per week in return for some holiday cover, but this does add to everyone's load, your's included.

How much is the shortfall in your income versus the increase by going up an extra day - can you afford to pay for someone to do this for you? Can either of you work during the holidays to make up the shortfall in income to cover these costs? Are there any colleges near you - maybe someone from the childcare course might be interested in paid experience, working a couple of hours one morning per week before college or maybe just a young adult looking for extra money while they are at college. Teenagers are not the best in the morning, but many are motivated by money... ask around your neighbours to see if anyone knows any likely candidates..

I am really sorry that you find yourself in this situation and I hope that you find a solution.

It's a big ask and the reason I wouldn't is that some people find it really hard to say no. Also it's messy when their child is off school but they still have yours to sort out.

A proper, paid arrangement would be more suitable/reliable.

Also, it's a massive commitment for your parents and I suspect your mum would like to drop more days tbh.