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Original poster

Pre-teen son wants to wear makeup

143 replies

MegMog23 · 17/07/2023 21:04

Hello,
I'm new to posting but have followed chats for a while.
I'm looking for advice please. I've always had a close relationship with my son.
I came home the other evening and my son showed me he had painted his nails (did a good job too :) )
This did throw me a bit, as he's always been a 'typical' lad. He then went on to say that he'd like to try makeup. I have no issue with this at all, but again, I'm slightly caught by surprise, as he's never shown any inclination in this way.
Dad is working away, so we had a random pamper night. I showed him my limited knowledge of makeup techniques. We talked, and I asked him why he wanted to wear makeup, as he's never expressed anything this way before.
He doesn't know. He just remembers his big sister putting on makeup when he was little (12-year age gap). I Suggested maybe talking to his sister, which he has, and was comfortable and productive,
I just want a bit of advice on how to not make a big deal but also not ignore his wishes. I appreciate that it may be a phase, but also maybe how he feels.
I have no prejudices but concerned for him how others may react to this, as it will be a complete change of character. Thank you for reading, no judgement please.

OP posts:
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5
Prescottdanni123 · 17/07/2023 23:01

@Janedoe82

To be honest, that is the complete opposite to what I have witnessed working in a safeguarding role in a secondary school. I have seen the damage kids being forced to conform to a rigid gender stereotype can do.

I don't conform to social ideas of what a woman should be. I'm not fussed on make up, cannot stand high heels, can take or leave dresses, like football, much prefer to be out with a group of lads etc etc. It has never occurred to me that I might actually be a bloke. Because I am not.

TimeToMoveIt · 17/07/2023 23:05

There have always been boys and men who have worn makeup , like I said earlier my now 20 year olds worn eyeliner and nail varnish for years. He's never questioned his sex never been any confusion there

I think we will start seeing more men wearing concealer , foundation etc as well if you tube is anything to go by

He should be able to experiment with things like that in his own home without anyone jumping to any conclusions

Blogswife · 17/07/2023 23:06

Gremlins101 · 17/07/2023 21:21

I have no idea, but I think your response to the whole situation is lovely. Well done you :)

Totally agree - you sound like a great Mum :)

Interested in this thread?

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Beauty
scratchyfannyofcocklane · 17/07/2023 23:07

Should we be telling our daughters they can't have short hair, play with cars, wear football shirts, play rugby or work as builders because they're considered 'too manly'? Maybe we should be reinforcing that girls should have long pretty hair and wear feminine dresses too? Ofcourse that idea would be totally ridiculous but some posters appear to think boys shouldn't have the same option not to conform to old fashioned gender stereotypes... FFS it's 2023 and maybe it's about time that younger boys have the same opportunity as girls do..

WiseUpJanetWeiss · 17/07/2023 23:07

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 22:25

Honestly- I would just say ‘no you are a boy. Boys don’t wear make up’.
I know that’s an old fashioned view but there is a mental health crisis in kids and I think part of it is them being exposed to stuff they aren’t mature enough to process.

Why shouldn’t boys wear makeup? It’s as though the 80s never happened.

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 23:07

Well in the three schools I have experience of- private and grammar- boys wearing make up would not go down well. There may not be obvious bullying- but the child would just be politely ignored. I have witnessed it several times.

StarchySturgess1 · 17/07/2023 23:08

Jongleterre · 17/07/2023 21:05

Are you not concerned that he is being brainwashed/indoctrinated at school?

By who? A local Avon rep?

TimeToMoveIt · 17/07/2023 23:10

StarchySturgess1 · 17/07/2023 23:08

By who? A local Avon rep?

Show quote history

🤣🤣

BMW6 · 17/07/2023 23:12

I'm 65 so my peak was the 80's. Loads of blokes were into makeup and the New Romantic look. They certainly weren't confused about their sexuality!

Makeup is absolutely fine.

TimeToMoveIt · 17/07/2023 23:13

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 23:07

Well in the three schools I have experience of- private and grammar- boys wearing make up would not go down well. There may not be obvious bullying- but the child would just be politely ignored. I have witnessed it several times.

Well I've got no experience of grammar or private schools but it's always been totally fine in the local comp, from 6 form onwards as no makeup or nails painted allowed before then . Didn't stop mine becoming house captain and head boy and if anyone ignored him because of it he must have been oblivious to it

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 23:14

Yes but not at 11…..

Prescottdanni123 · 17/07/2023 23:20

@Janedoe82

The school I work in is grammar...

If a person does get bullied or ignored, then it us not them with the problem, it is the bullies. And why should anyone conform to another person's idea of how they should be? If bullying is a problem, the school needs to do more, individual members of staff need to do more and there needs to be more public awareness campaigns.

TimeToMoveIt · 17/07/2023 23:21

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 23:14

Yes but not at 11…..

Op has already said in the house, he's not going into school with it on

Throwingpots · 17/07/2023 23:26

No big deal as far as I can see. My son liked to wear make up and the occasionally a pair of red high heels, or maybe a skirt with doc martins. Thought he looked fabulous personally, and so did his friends. He’s now 23 and will make up on a night out sometimes but often doesn’t bother any more. Each to their own has always been my view

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 23:26

Prescottdanni123 I am not disputing that then child’s fault. But the reality is children don’t tend to respond well to people who are different. It won’t be seen as ‘bullying’, just different friend ship groups and the boy in make up is isolated or left to hang out with the girls. They other boys will often not accept them.

Lavender14 · 17/07/2023 23:28

Prescottdanni123 · 17/07/2023 23:01

@Janedoe82

To be honest, that is the complete opposite to what I have witnessed working in a safeguarding role in a secondary school. I have seen the damage kids being forced to conform to a rigid gender stereotype can do.

I don't conform to social ideas of what a woman should be. I'm not fussed on make up, cannot stand high heels, can take or leave dresses, like football, much prefer to be out with a group of lads etc etc. It has never occurred to me that I might actually be a bloke. Because I am not.

Totally second this. In all the years I've worked with young people I've always come across young people who've grappled with gender identity. The difference is now they have the language to actually express it and its more socially accepted for young people to experiment with how they perceive and express their identity. People like @Jongleterre sharing random images with no context whatsoever is nothing more than scaremongering as that cos be taken from any age group/ any work shop context/ part of any discussion etc. And the thing is young people are going to meet and see people who are trans/non binary and its important that they understand it so they also understand how to treat people who are different from them with respect. I would say its more harmful to a child being unable to openly talk about or express their feelings and questions they may be having because that vacuum leaves room for shame and an unhealthy sense of self which causes a myriad of other issues in itself.

Op I think you know your child best and I think you've handled it well so far. I would as others have said have a general chat about social norms and where they come from. Maybe look at examples from history where those social norms were switched like men tradition wearing heels wigs and makeup being the norm and how things change over time and how others can react to it and why they might react that way. That might equip him to understand the reactions he might get while realising that it's not really a big deal in itself and he should be able to express himself as he sees fit. There's plenty of examples of young men who are using style and fashion to challenge gender norms and stereotypes like Harry Styles for instance.

ArcticSkewer · 17/07/2023 23:29

Not the best idea I have ever heard.

As he has autism, have you explained to him that he may be bullied at school because of this? Or at least stand out. He may be fine with that but you can't assume he will know that without being told.

I wouldn't let my 12 year old daughter develop an unhealthy obsession with make up either. They do need watching at that age as it can be a bit of a rabbit hole.

creasedclothes · 17/07/2023 23:33

I would let him experiment. I would ask him if he was looking for a certain type of look and maybe he could show you an example of someone online. Hopefully this would ( by stealth) tell me more about his interests and where he got the idea. So was music related k pop type of thing or drag queen type etc.
I personally would stress that it's fine for men to also express their creativenesses visually on their body if they so wish. Think tribal tattoos, headdresses etc. I would in no way wish him to think that being interested in make up made him a girl.

Indigotree · 17/07/2023 23:38

Jongleterre · 17/07/2023 21:23

You ask about the root cause but dismiss the schools influence?

I love how those answers reveal such utter confusion. Understandably so.
What year/class/subject is it from?

Annaishere · 17/07/2023 23:41

Indigotree · 17/07/2023 23:38

I love how those answers reveal such utter confusion. Understandably so.
What year/class/subject is it from?

Show quote history

I believe my son’s school had a trans class and a gay club

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 17/07/2023 23:46

Janedoe82 · 17/07/2023 22:44

Yes- they have moved away. And look what the result has been. A mental health crisis in teens, particularly in relation to sexuality and trans issues.

I think it’s gender stereotypes which fuel the trans issue. If we didn’t have gender stereotypes trans wouldn’t be a thing because no male would say “I feel like a woman “

HaveYouHeardOfARoadAtlas · 17/07/2023 23:48

BMW6 · 17/07/2023 23:12

I'm 65 so my peak was the 80's. Loads of blokes were into makeup and the New Romantic look. They certainly weren't confused about their sexuality!

Makeup is absolutely fine.

I was just about to say I was at school in the 80s and boys wore eyeliner and nail varnish. Nobody batted an eyelid.

Copasetic · 17/07/2023 23:58

When I was a teen in the 80s, I had friends who were boys and worn make up - mostly eyeliners and black lipsticks, but not solely. My parents thought it was odd but we thought it was cool and very fashionable. On the other hand, I have a 12 year old son and he is a little fed up with the talk in school of who identifies as what so it does sound like they have it rammed down their throat a bit. I think he wouldn't bat an eyelid about people being different and wouldn't care, but it's all the talk. He has no interest in boys or girls because he is just 12 so I think he finds it all very hard to understand.

Thatladdo · 18/07/2023 00:03

MegMog23 · 17/07/2023 21:16

My DH is floored by it and not sure how to react. What would you consider to be a root cause?

Show quote history

School / Social media

Madness!

Caramelsmadfuzzytail · 18/07/2023 00:15

My ds, when he was about that age, wanted to wear makeup. We got foundation, eye shadow and eyebrow pencils. He used them religiously for a few years. He's now 18 and hasn't worn makeup for a while.
I have no idea where the idea of wearing makeup came from. I haven't worn the stuff since he was a baby.
Other family members were the only people who had issues with this, his peers at school couldn't care less.
When I was a kid, in the 80's our bus driver always wore eyeliner and he was in his 40's. Also Boy George, Nick Rhodes, Pete Burns, all men,all wore make-up.

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