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Original poster

If you were a Mrs....

144 replies

RebelR · 14/07/2023 14:41

I've been Mrs for 30 odd years. It didn't occur to me not to be when I married, although I don't know if I'd do it again now.

I'm now a widow, still Mrs married name. Starting to think about dating. I'm not really a Mrs anymore, I'm not a Miss and maybe I shouldn't but I really don't like Ms. What am I supposed to call myself?

Tbf the title isn't used often, mostly on forms. I was just having a little wonder about what I'd do when checking into a hotel with a new man 😆

OP posts:
Lavenderu · 15/07/2023 14:13

I was Ms up to age 34 when I married 30 years ago then became Mrs Myname.

I like the idea of everyone is miss until adulthood then becomes Mrs so it's unrelated to marital status.

DoctorWoo · 15/07/2023 14:41

pinkyredrose · 15/07/2023 13:39

You say that like it's a negative!

Show quote history

Haha, yes! I'm kind of envious of her!

pimplebum · 15/07/2023 15:02

Have fun and check in as Rev and Proff - we did this accidentally on our honeymoon ( fat fingers on drop down boxes )
Mark and Spencer's website is great and I'm often " lady" or some such hid knows what the postman thinks ! 🤣

Call yourself what you like
Not sure why you have problem with Ms ?

StormShadow · 15/07/2023 15:44

Lavenderu · 15/07/2023 14:13

I was Ms up to age 34 when I married 30 years ago then became Mrs Myname.

I like the idea of everyone is miss until adulthood then becomes Mrs so it's unrelated to marital status.

Mrs has too many connotations with marital status. I agree a universal title for adult women is a good thing, but it can't be that one.

CurlewKate · 16/07/2023 13:45

@StormShadow " I agree a universal title for adult women is a good thing, but it can't be that one."

I've got a brilliant idea! How about Ms?

StormShadow · 16/07/2023 14:17

CurlewKate · 16/07/2023 13:45

@StormShadow " I agree a universal title for adult women is a good thing, but it can't be that one."

I've got a brilliant idea! How about Ms?

That would certainly be my choice.

IAmBreathing · 16/07/2023 14:28

CurlewKate · 14/07/2023 16:13

Absent any evidence to the contrary I can only think of the following reasons to object to Ms.

  1. It makes it difficult to tell whether a woman has achieved the status of "having a man" or not.
  1. It might make people think a woman is interested in equality.
  1. It means a woman chooses not to identify herself by her relation to a man so might be a bit...feisty.

Anything else?

Yup this.

I was a Miss and didn't give it much thought until I got married when I became a Mrs. TBH even at the time it felt odd to change my title, and my surname. I know I didn't have to- but it didn't feel like the time to buck convention. Yup, I was an absolute pushover!

Fast forward 14 years and DH left me out of the blue in March. I was totally floored. Apparently one of my faults was being opinionated, so I'm going to run with that and become Ms 'maiden name' as soon as possible.

Several colleagues have commented that it's a shame that I won't be a Mrs anymore- ie people will know I'm not married whereas ExH gets to keep his Mr and no one is any the wiser. I found their comments bizarre- am I supposed to be ashamed of not being married FFS?

Anyway. IMO it is utterly bonkers that women have titles which generally denote their marital status. Like it or not it's not far from requiring women to indicate on a form or whether they have a husband or not, which is none of anyone's business and would not be tolerated for a man.

IAmBreathing · 16/07/2023 14:36

Iwant2move · 14/07/2023 18:11

I’m widowed and still use Mrs. I was really upset when the receptionist changed my title to Ms without asking first. My GP changed it back to Mrs and brought it up in staff training. I don’t like Ms and don’t want to change back to Miss (Birth surname) because my name would be different to my children. Being widowed hurts and continues to hurt. I didn’t choose to change my marital status.

I am really sorry for your loss and I can quite understand how hurtful that was.

It's also the case that some divorced women didn't ask for or want to be divorced. Acceptance is expected and required but it can still be heartbreaking and the question of what to do about your title is just another issue that one could do without. As such IMO it's time to move away from titles which denote marital status.

StormShadow · 16/07/2023 14:59

IAmBreathing · 16/07/2023 14:28

Yup this.

I was a Miss and didn't give it much thought until I got married when I became a Mrs. TBH even at the time it felt odd to change my title, and my surname. I know I didn't have to- but it didn't feel like the time to buck convention. Yup, I was an absolute pushover!

Fast forward 14 years and DH left me out of the blue in March. I was totally floored. Apparently one of my faults was being opinionated, so I'm going to run with that and become Ms 'maiden name' as soon as possible.

Several colleagues have commented that it's a shame that I won't be a Mrs anymore- ie people will know I'm not married whereas ExH gets to keep his Mr and no one is any the wiser. I found their comments bizarre- am I supposed to be ashamed of not being married FFS?

Anyway. IMO it is utterly bonkers that women have titles which generally denote their marital status. Like it or not it's not far from requiring women to indicate on a form or whether they have a husband or not, which is none of anyone's business and would not be tolerated for a man.

Show quote history

That's so weird of them. Had you told them you were going to change your title or did they just assume? I'm not sure which would be worse actually!

EversoDetermined · 16/07/2023 15:03

Yes, that is very upsetting and another drawback to using titles which denote marital status, this mistake would never happen to a widowed or divorced man. I would like to see a default title for all women but would be happy with either Ms or Mrs, so long as it was from adulthood rather than marriage.

CurlewKate · 16/07/2023 15:16

"would be happy with either Ms or Mrs, so long as it was from adulthood rather than marriage."

I think it's ridiculous to consider Mrs- it's taken 50 years to get Ms to the place it is today to mean an adult woman-why start again trying to change the meaning of a title we have already?

EversoDetermined · 16/07/2023 15:19

I think it would lose that meaning pretty quickly and it would be a lot faster transition as so many more women already use it compared to Ms. If I was considering the matter in a vacuum I'd choose Ms (as it would mean I don't have to change) but we live in a society which tends to assume we are Mrs past a certain age anyway.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 16/07/2023 15:44

I found out I'd got my PhD on my wedding day! Problem solved.

BunnyBettChetwynd · 16/07/2023 16:00

@IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads That must have been one helluva day!

IAmBreathing · 16/07/2023 16:05

EversoDetermined · 16/07/2023 15:19

I think it would lose that meaning pretty quickly and it would be a lot faster transition as so many more women already use it compared to Ms. If I was considering the matter in a vacuum I'd choose Ms (as it would mean I don't have to change) but we live in a society which tends to assume we are Mrs past a certain age anyway.

I think though that assumption is kind of part of the problem though? It makes me uncomfortable that getting married, taking your DHs name etc. is assumed and a departure from that is 'unusual'.

Although I am not talking from a place of neutrality TBF because as a soon to be divorcee it's been upsetting to realise that I'm seen by some as 'less than' a married person. I realise that wasn't your point but it's all unconnected IMO as I dislike my title being a sign of my marital status.

IAmBreathing · 16/07/2023 16:11

@StormShadow it was in relation to someone asking me at work if I'd keep my married surname or revert back to my maiden name. I responded by saying that I thought I'd probably change to my maiden name and have the title Ms.

The surname choice isn't even that straightforward. I've got used to my married surname TBH, but it feels like it belongs to my soon to be exH and that to keep it would be inappropriate especially as we have no children together.

I'm in danger of straying off topic, sorry.

EversoDetermined · 16/07/2023 16:13

I hate that its assumed you will take your DH's name and become Mrs too, but feel that if we all just took Mrs at around 16 it would completely neutralise the link with marital status but at the same time allow those that already use it for that reason to carry on doing so. I'm in my 50s, married and have been a Ms my whole adult life but if everyone started using Mrs at around 16 then I'd be ok about doing so too (but would still keep my birth surname).

Matildahoney · 16/07/2023 16:46

I'm a widow, and I'm still Mrs married name, I hate my maiden name & DP doesn't want to get married so I'll always be Mrs married name.

StormShadow · 16/07/2023 17:25

IAmBreathing · 16/07/2023 16:11

@StormShadow it was in relation to someone asking me at work if I'd keep my married surname or revert back to my maiden name. I responded by saying that I thought I'd probably change to my maiden name and have the title Ms.

The surname choice isn't even that straightforward. I've got used to my married surname TBH, but it feels like it belongs to my soon to be exH and that to keep it would be inappropriate especially as we have no children together.

I'm in danger of straying off topic, sorry.

How odd of them. Anyone comes out with shit like that again, you can tell them your change from Mrs to Ms isn't sad, it's a promotion.

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