A vent seeing as I can't show my real disappointment -school awards evening

[Teddypops]

DD is in Y7. All of her friends had an email about an award they were winning at school. The awards evening was this evening.

We had no email. She got no award.

She does quite well at school (generally grade 7 in the important stuff). But really doesn't put much effort into anything else other than her hair and make up.

She has no interest in sports or any hobbies despite us giving her every single opportunity. Nothing !!

I'm disappointed. But obviously I can't show it to her.

So i'm venting on here instead.

My dd16 only started wearing makeup at 15 and only mascara and sometimes a little eyeliner if going somewhere special. She's popular and pretty and one of the girls others want to hang around with. Has a cute bf who is also popular so 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Teddypops Well like I said in my OP. She gets good grades at school and there were plenty of academic awards. She has got 8s in all her maths assessments this year. 7s in everything else.
They only really give awards to the top performers don't they? So the person who gets all 9s. So that means all the very good performers won't get an award.

It doesn't work like that. It means she's working at a level that if she continues predicts she'll get a 7 or 8 by gcse

IME school awards exist only to encourage those who could do with working a bit hard or improving their work. Not those that already work hard.
Have the discussion with your daughter that she's doing better than expected thus doesn't need to be motivated with an award, and that you are very proud of how well she is doing.
(My eldest never won any awards, yet did better in every subject than those her friends won awards in)

@Teddypops

"Also, I would like to know what percentage of the children got awards to help me process it that's all."

You need to process that your dd didn't win an award? That isn't normal.

If your kid doesn’t graft then it’s a good thing that she didn’t get an award. Sounds like she’s really lucky already as you have handed her so many opportunities on a plate and maybe she needs to be more aware of her privilege.

Does she see you doing things other than work and socialising? Do you exercise and have hobbies? Just wondering if you do things together or if she has a role model. Most of the children I know who get awards are encouraged and inspired by their parents.

As a teacher and a parent, you “get” what you “put in”.

One of the challenges I face is the classroom is pure apathy. Not really having an opinion. Only interested in social media.

My DD is coming to the end of Yr 7. Goes to a comp. Has thrown herself into every club this year. Some she stick with, some she pursued. We encouraged her to find her liked and her tribe.

Next week we have been invited to a PE awards evening. Only 20 children out of our a cohort of 215 per year have been selected - she may not even gain an award but I’m so proud of her being nominated. She deserves to be acknowledged. She attends two sports clubs a week and has done all year. I would also like to say, she is not the best sports performer but it’s her attitude that’s recognised.

Next year, encourage your daughter to join clubs. Awards, unless earned, are meaningless.

I went to a school award ceremony this week as DD won an award. She's always done well throughout school and worked hard.....(she got 8s and 9s at GCSE) but shes got to year 12 without me realising that the award ceremony even existed! 😂

It didn't work like that in either of the (different) schools my dd's went to.
Following that flight path would have them off the scale in yr11 😱

I can't possibly imagine why a child that isn't engaged, focuses on her appearance over other activities,doesn't do anything extra to contribute, messes around and archives good grades in only 1 or 2 subjects isn't receiving an award.

It really is a mystery.

DDs school grades on a 1-9 scale in key stage 3, if you get 90% in a test you get a 9, 80% you get an 8, 70% you get a 7 and so on. In face they further break it down into 9-, 9, 9+ for each grade which just makes for a ridiculously large scale, where 90 - 93% is a 9-, 94-97% is a 9 and 98-100 is a 9+ and so on.

But it your school does that,70% in tests for grade 7 still leaves alot of room for improvement.

I understand how you feel.

My Year 8 has SEN and learning difficulties and he this year has tried so so hard and went from being the bottom of the bottom set in everything to being top of the bottom set. Largely due to a him working so so hard to manage his homework, and his emotions and with counselling for his depression and a medication change for one of his health issues etc. He has done brilliantly. But he is not the kid who gets any prizes or awards and he did not this time either. He was terribly upset as he had misunderstood that he WOULD get an award. Awards night has compulsory attendance and he asked his form teacher if he had to go. His teacher said yes, he absoluitely had to go and DS interpreted this as he must be getting an award and he was so excited and told us that. We realised what had happened afterwards but he was very very low.

In his case I explained to him that looking at it- 10% of the kids in his class got awards. 90% didn't. That helped a bit eventually.

FFS people RTFT!!!

I am not upset at the school! I'm upset at my DD for not putting the effort in to be at a point with her peers to receive an award.

I am upset at myself for not putting in more effort to encourage her more - although I have really tried!!

You literally haven't said that anywhere OP.

It's all how many kids got awards... My kid doesn't stick to anything... she messes around... doesn't out any effort in... I'm going to ask the school why she didn't get an award...

All rather implying that the school is at fault somehow for not recognising the few good grades between the poor behaviour and attitude to leaning.

How are we supposed to interpret this as you are upset with yourself?

She sounds like she's doing fine. She'll find her thing later in life- like most of us do!

Enjoy your daughter OP. The grass isn't greener

These 'awards' are given to the insecure, and 'not terribly bright academically' children. The ones who need a boost because they're not doing great at school. And sometimes if they don't have a great home life, and no support from parents. It's to make them feel better, and encourage them when they're not very good at anything...

If that happens at your school, maybe campaign to have it changed? At DC's school the rewards were given to the really deserving (and yes, that might coincidentally be those with hard home lives). One academic (based not yet on results) and one for effort per subject, and then some general rewards. Only about 1 in 8 get them, so they are comparatively rare.

DD (who has a disability that means simply getting through the day can be a struggle) was nominated for award. She spent the whole time mumbling that it had better not be an award for resilience "to make her feel better " (it wasn't).

Funnily enough secondary school children don't really like being patronised and understand if awards are deserved. One of DD's friend got the effort award in a small subject group. She realised she'd only got it because of lack of other contendors and wasn't particularly impressed.

OP, I think you’re giving way too much brain space to this! It’s ok if she hasn’t won an award. We’ve all just lived through a pandemic. As a pp said, you don’t necessarily have to win awards to do well in life generally. I was completely the award winning type at school and at Uni. But I didn’t get into Oxbridge and around 30 others of my year group did (the ones who didn’t win the awards!) It’s not all about awards. I would cut her and yourself some slack. Try and get this in perspective. If this is your biggest problem in life as a parent you’re actually doing pretty well! She’s happy, healthy and achieving well at school (and clearly hanging around with a social group who are the award winning type which may well motivate her to try a bit harder etc). Look at all the threads on here about teens that are in all sorts of dire situations, not attending school, self harming etc etc. And don’t sweat it.

I am upset at myself for not putting in more effort to encourage her more - although I have really tried!!

By 12, it's up to the DC to start taking responsibility for themselves. I have one child who sounds like your daughter and spent a lot of time coasting and making minimal effort. And one child who is determined and focused. The amount of encouragement I've given them has had basically nothing to do with this.
Providing opportunities and general encouagement (which it sounds like you are doing) is all you can do. Your daughter is not the same personality of some of her uber achieving classmates. That's only a problem if you make it one.

I think that it’s a positive that she is embarrassed about it.

these awards are used as an incentive to get kids to work hard.

Maybe this will persuade her to work harder?

DD is in y7 at a girl's grammar, so all the girls there are bright/hardworking. A LOT of them wear makeup to school, to varying degrees.

My DS is Year 9, on target to achieve predicted grades and is graded as meeting/exceeding. This is great, however he is not exceptional. Works to meet his grades but doesn't go over and above what is expected.
His choice and he is capable of achieving/is achieving however no he has never had an award at secondary.

If your DD is capable but not really interested then no she probably won't get awards either.

To be honest it's never crossed my mind to question the school.

My DS got two rewards last year but they were for 100% attendance and no bad behaviour points so nothing to do with academia. He was sorely disappointed afterwards and said it was a massive waste of time. I was sitting there fully expecting he’d get an award for science or maths given the fact he almost scores 100% in every test and always tries his absolute best but it didn’t happen so I was disappointed too. I didn’t tell him that obviously and praised him for the awards he did get. He has awards this year again but we don’t know what for and since he got 100% attendance and no bad behaviour points again, he thinks it will just be that.

What I will say is teachers tend to praise the kids who have overcome some sort of adversity a lot more than the kids who always just get on with stuff. Lots of the kids who got awards last year were initially badly behaved kids who had improved their behaviour over the year rather than the kids who were always just good kids like DS.

She has had every opportunity, dance, gymnastics, netball, sailing, horse riding, trampolining, various music lessons. I cannot get her to stick at anything at all.

Oh, that must be frustrating. As someone who was brought up doing loads of stuff, which has given me skills and past times for the rest of my life, it's a pity. I get how frustrating that must be for you.

I'm wondering a few things - some questions which you don't need to answer, but just trying to unpick what it is that you're actually disappointed about:

is it that she's an academically able pupil, who does well, but is not "rewarded" for it by the school?

is it that you feel other children are rewarded for doing what she already does, and that this is unfair?

is it that you would like a "high achieving" child? (I wonder if this is a social class thing?)

what is your family culture? Does she see you, her father, any siblings going out & doing things? Guides, Scouts, extra-curricular sport, drama, art classes etc etc

could you as a family, get involved in something? (eg My father was a naval man, and as a family, we sailed - both yachting holidays, and weekend racing/recreational sailing).

Anyway, some things to think about.

I'm disappointed that she has every opportunity in a world when many have none. And she makes little effort.

Frustrated with myself for allowing her to be like that.