Any neurodiverse parents? How many kids did you decide to have

[Daisywishes]

We are going to try for our first later this year, so exciting I really can’t wait!! I have always been a maternal person, without giving my job role away babies are at the centre of what I do! I am also awaiting a diagnosis for autism & ADHD. It doesn’t affect my success greatly in that I managed academically, have a professional job & lovely soon-to-be hubby. I have friends and can empathise. It’s more I’m sensitive to change, busy environments feel stressful, procrastinate often, struggle in social situations (mask well) that kind of thing.

I always pictured myself with a bigger family but I also like to be practical and know my own limits. I presume with just one child I could focus on them a lot better whilst also having time to spend with DH, we could afford more for them and I would less likely get burnt out or feel pulled in two different directions.

I’m also fairly confident I won’t want to be a SAHM and will want to work at least 30 hours, as I enjoy what I do. Surely with two there would be double the housework, double the school assemblies and events to attend to get time off for. I don’t get on particularly well with my sibling so I know it wouldn’t be a guaranteed friend for the first. Also aware any DC has probably a high chance of being ND themselves as I almost certainly am and DH has some traits

Know you can’t always plan for how you’ll feel before you have one, and circumstances change. Wondering if you yourself are ND how many children you wanted or have, and why?

Little bump

I believe I have ADHD, though I have only come to realise it since having my children. My husband is autistic and possibly ADHD. We have 5, I am a SAHM, and they are home educated. 4 of them have one kind of nuerodiversity or another, autistic, ADHD, PDA. I would still have more if I wasn't 40 now.

I've never really struggled with my children, and it's been just me for the most part as my husband has always worked a job where he is away a lot. I've taken things as they come, and dealt with it. I think the thing I've found hardest is the house and the clutter that accumulates with having so many people ina house, that does feed my anxiety!

Mildly autistic introvert very happy with my one child! Two looks too much like hard work to me.

None. Never wanted any. I don't think I would even if I didn't have ASD.

Fully diagnosed (twice) with ADHD. Got 2 kids. Debating a third.
I would strongly recommend you get a formal diagnosis before you get pregnant, go private if you can afford it if time isn't on your side for TTC. This is because if you've been on medication before you get pregnant, they are more likely to "let" you stay on it during pregnancy/breastfeeding as it's a "known" risk. You will also get more support during pregnancy/postnatally from the antenatal and postnatal mental health team.

If, like me, you don't get diagnosed until after you have a DC and end up in a total depressive meltdown because you can't think clearly, focus on anything, or get anything done (breastfeeding hormones really magnified my ADHD 1000x), they still won't give you medication if you're breastfeeding if you've never been on it before. I was doing really inattentive things like driving off without my child being fastened into her car seat and they still wouldn't help me.

That's my best advice if you are fairly sure you have ADHD. Mine didn't affect me anywhere near as much until I was pregnant.

None.

Between me and DH we have ASD, ADHD, dyspraxia, dyslexia, lifelong anxiety issues. We both agreed we don't feel we're up to being parents and we'd very likely have children with a combination of both of our issues.

Our families have tried to change our minds with the whole ASD is a super power/our kids may be highly talented or intelligent.

In reality we were both very unhappy children and young people and have spent most of our lives in therapy/trialling a million medications, and we wouldn't be happy with the possibility of having kids with our issues - both from the perspective of us as adults and also as the children that had to do all of the work that we did.

We've come up against a lot of arguments about us being anti-neuro and being ableist. In reality neither of us were happy children or happy young adults, services for SEN are getting worse, and we don't want to commit the rest of our lives to supporting children with our own issues when we can only just manage these same issues as adults.

Sorry for depressing post! We can love and take care of each other but if we had kids with our same issues we don't think we'd cope.

I congratulate you, you sound much more functional and brave than us!

Hello! Two neurodivergent parents here.
we have two children, would have liked more but didn’t feel we could cope, both children also have autism/ adhd - one currently affected worse than the other but this may change.
they key challenge has been my symptoms getting worse - adding in so much juggling/ complexity with kids means I can’t cope in the way that I used to. My brain is struggling!
it’s hard to respond to my children without some of my own issues and the sheer amount of people you have to constantly interact with on their behalf is staggering.
So we definitely couldn’t cope with having a bigger family, running a home, two senior roles, life! even though I feel sad about it as I enjoy parenting so much.

I had one and found the early years incredibly hard. I had always planned to have two but I realised one was the most I had the capacity to cope with ( let me be clear she is the best thing in my life) I was only diagnosed with ADHD this year and I can now understand why I found becoming a parent so challenging and I am more compassionate with myself now. My daughter has ADHD as well. Good luck with starting your family OP and whilst you can’t really comprehend being a parent until you’re in the midst of it I think it’s great you’re really considering your strength and needs

Same as canpinky, None, a combination of worry about if we passed the autism down type thing and the big one, of I don't think I would be a good parent because of my autism and my lack of ability to cope with life myself without adding another into the mix.

I’m diagnosed ASD with demand avoidance and awaiting ADHD assessment - husband is not diagnosed but we believe on the spectrum given his traits and the impact on his life these have.

we have 4 neurodiverse kids - three significantly complex and one whose needs currently appear more simple. If I’m totally honest whilst we wouldn’t ever change them - had we known they would all be ND we may of spaced them Better / considered not having so many just to give them all more 1:1 time and space. We felt confident that we could provide time for each individual and are lucky are circumstances allow for that however it’s been a tricky few years and the sheer volume of needs across the household has definitely impacted on mine and DH mental health whilst we try to shield the dc from this it would be naive to think we have been 100% successful.

id like to think we have a healthy balance of meeting everyone’s needs whilst they also experience the reality of sharing parents with siblings.

The biggest challenge most days is juggling my own needs which often conflict with those of the children - ie I’m sensitive to loud noises and one of the DC stims is to screech at a high pitch whilst circling me with one hand on me at all times!

Adding - it’s interesting to hear others rationale for not having children and i genuinely respect that ( not meant patronisingly) - I didn’t want children for the same reason but a contraception failure with the first led to a baby that i surprised myself with how well I adapted. Totally understand this was luck and in no way is meant to encourage anyone to do similar. Just anecdotal chatter

I have two kids. Always wanted two. But I believed I was NT back then 🤣

#2 was diagnosed with autism, #1 followed a year later. In between that I realised I was autistic myself.

I wish I’d known before I had kids, because having kids had such a catastrophic affect on me mentally, and it was mostly due to undiagnosed and unsupported autism. I just didn’t know it. At least you know you’re ND @Daisywishes. I think if you have a deep understanding of yourself and your differences, you can ride the storms of life slightly easier than a person who is struggling badly but believes they’re NT, iyswim.

It’s very hard being an autistic parent of autistic kids. Very hard. I worry so much that they’ll struggle through their life stages like I did, and struggle socially like I did. I can see it playing out already.

If is known I was ND and my kids were probably going to be ND, I don’t really know what I would have done. It probably would have been sensible to just have one. My kids are my reason for living but it’s impossible to juggle their conflicting demands.

Thank you everyone really interesting so far. Interesting as well that most DC to ND parents on this thread, are also ND. Something to consider and weigh up when deciding how many to have, possibly

I'm a diagnosed autistic adult and I have 2 dc. I had planned to have just one, but after having dc1 our family didn't feel complete, and I would look in envy at families of 4 having days out and on holiday. I loved the years of having dc1 as an only child though, there was a lot of focus on her as our lives became very child-centred. But I love the companionship she has now, and the connection she has with her sibling. For me, there's also the need to have the "right" type of family - it's all about masking really, trying to give out the impression that I am normal with a normal family (which society has decided is a family of 4). I do feel a sense of pride that I've achieved marriage and being a mum of 2 despite struggling with autism.

I am a sahm and my DH is very hands-on, and we are lucky to be financially secure, which makes a huge difference to the services I can buy in to help, and having other resources, like a house big enough for us (I would not have had a 2nd dc if they couldn't have their own rooms). I've used nursery childcare since my dc1 was 2 although I'm a sahm - that allowed me time to focus on my own needs a bit. And I use holiday clubs for the eldest now they're school age - I could not cope with 2 dcs non stop over the extended summer break on my own (and I also think it's a good experience for dc1 too). I spend a fortune on baby classes as I like the high end ones which are just a nicer experience, and the routine and termly booking commits me to getting out and doing things with my baby, and I like that the activities are set up for me so there's not so much mental planning to entertain my child.

I don't find the early years hard. I enjoy the focus on my dcs - in a way it's a good distraction for them to need to all the time because it means you never have to interact much with others! Other mums often complain about feeling lonely or not having enough time to meet up with friends - I have no friends and enjoy my own company so that's not an issue at all for me.

I loathe play dates and have avoided them so far. I hate the intrusion of other kids and their parents into my own home. In a way that's another bonus of having more than one dc, as parents of only children often say they have play dates all the time to stop their dc feeling lonely and enjoy having all the neighbourhood kids over. The very thought makes me shudder!

Never thought of play dates and the socialisation that comes with that!! Hmmm

So.. I have diagnosed ADHD, Dyspraxia and BPD. All 3 are apparently ND conditions. Plus all the things those conditions bring.

Because of my terrible lack of planning and impulsivity I have 5 kids. Big gaps between them though.

I want to think I'm a good parent. 3 of my 5 have ND diagnosed conditions. But there's still time for the youngest 2....

I have degrees and own property and generally function ok/run my own business. Older kids have grammar school background, they are intelligent and anxious. I hope we're not totally hopeless.

It's just, you know, hard work. But we keep working.

I loathe play dates too. I kind of shut down and hide in the kitchen and leave the kids to it. If the visiting child starts misbehaving (jumping on sofas, trashing bedrooms… yes this happened) then it’s even worse.

I'm autistic & only had ds who is also autistic.

My mum was was never formally diagnosed as autism wasn’t really a thing when she was growing up but she does have what would have once been called Asperger’s.
I felt very isolated as a child because she never had any friends nor a close relationship with her siblings, she also didn’t ever kiss or hug our dad and showed very little emotion apart from happiness, which sounds great but isn’t so great when we’d come to her with problems and her reaction wasn’t appropriate to what we’d just told her.
she was a lovely mum, very homely but there was always something missing with her, which made us feel very unprotected and unsafe at times.
when I was giving birth with my 2nd child, she opted to walk out when there was an emergency during my labour, because it got too much for her. Which is fair enough but this is just one example of how her behaviours were inappropriate. She’d also fake cry at funerals, not because she didn’t care but because she didn’t feel deeply enough at the time to cry and didn’t want people thinking she was heartless.
if I had the option to change her as a mother I would because I feel her asd negatively effected all 4 of us.
so depending on how your autism (if that’s what it actually is) presents will determine how many children is suitable for you.
you have to consider how your symptoms of it will effect your future children and in what way.

I think I have ADD, ASD has also been suggested by Autistic friends, though it doesn't feel quite like it fits for me. Stbxh and I have three DC who are all Autistic. I never made a decision knowing I was ND, though I've always known I'm deeply introverted, have anxiety and struggle without time to myself to. I didn't realise how hard that would make being a mum, or how much I really needed that time with no around me.

I did find being a mum extraordinarily hard at times, being very introverted and struggling with noise, always having a DC or more beside me, sitting on me, and always being there. Lack of time, lack of sleep, a lot more socialising. I'm just talking playdates, kids parties, the school gate, kids sports. Constant noise, I don't know if you have sensory issues, I really struggle with noise at weekend sport, DC assembly, other school events, even just noise from DC, three children together can mean a lot of arguing and noise.

My DC also all have regular therapy appointments, still don't sleep through at primary age and have a lot of different sensory issues. I coped well with two, not so much with three, but my stbxh abusive self centred behaviour and checking out of parenting, has been the biggest issue. I got absolutely blindsided by that. Three DC with a supportive partner who does their fair share is very different to 3 DC carrying everything on your own unless he feels like he's happy to do that one particular thing with them.

I also have chronic health condition which when coupled with DC need means I can't work and probably never will be able to. I don't regret my 3 children at all, I felt someone was still missing from my life before we had our youngest, and I wouldn't change a thing personally. I recognise I'm lucky there, despite what people want to think you can definitely regret the children you have. I'd actually like a 4th but even if I wasn't splitting from stbxh I know I don't have the capacity for any more children.

I think what you want from you life plays into this decision a lot too. I have certain limits because of my chronic health, I knew having DC would effect that, I knew there was some chance I wouldn't be able to work again if we had children. We both made our decisions knowing that. Of course everybody has limits, but being ND can result in specific limitations for an individual.

My middle DC finds the world an overwhelming place, I have to try and balance things so he and his siblings can do the things they want, without it costing him too much. Our middle DC was diagnosed first, he wasn't even on the diagnosis pathway till our last was born. It never occured to me we'd end up with 3 Autistic DC, 2 with speech,fine motor, gross motor and social delays it's a lot.

Maybe this isn't an issue for you, but maybe you'll need to consider all the things you do right now very carefully to find a life with balance, parenthood,work/career, family, friends, hobbies, so you don't burn out. You may need to consider what you're happy to drop, if that applies, if parenthood takes a lot of your spoons. I've found that my ability to cope with sensory inputs has reduced massively after having DC. It's a careful balance between all 4 of us and I'm often meeting their needs in detriment to mine.

Both neurodivergent parents. I believe this is the PC term for it, although I'm not sure I like it, makes it sound like we are deliberately trying to be difficult. Anyway, we planned 3, ended up with 5. Dc are all nd too.

mostly I love it. Some days I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I am worried that I'm not good enough for them. Sometimes I feel guilty that the problems they have were caused by me and dh. Sometimes I wish someone else could do the paperwork side of things. Sometimes I feel pressure to be the perfect mother to prove that I can be a parent despite my disability.

I am autistic with suspected ADHD. I have 3 children. Dc1 is NT. Dc 2 has adhd not recognised until she hit her teens. Dc3 has asd and global developmental delays .

I have to manage my parenting as I like control, routine and structure. It works quite well with 2 younger dc as they also love it. Although when they dig their heels in I struggle. I have a lovely relationship with all 3 of my children so I think I must be doing ok.

I find the social element a mine field and I hate the small talk at the school gate.

I found the third the hardest possibly due to his significant need, my age and external factors. .

No kids yet -TTC- I'm in the same.position as you OP so great to read all the replies. I have ADHD (suspected autism too), DH autistic.
We will be one and done.
My profession is my special interest and I suck at domestic stuff. I'd hate to give it up although may feel differently after kids.