Any neurodiverse parents? How many kids did you decide to have

[Daisywishes]

We are going to try for our first later this year, so exciting I really can’t wait!! I have always been a maternal person, without giving my job role away babies are at the centre of what I do! I am also awaiting a diagnosis for autism & ADHD. It doesn’t affect my success greatly in that I managed academically, have a professional job & lovely soon-to-be hubby. I have friends and can empathise. It’s more I’m sensitive to change, busy environments feel stressful, procrastinate often, struggle in social situations (mask well) that kind of thing.

I always pictured myself with a bigger family but I also like to be practical and know my own limits. I presume with just one child I could focus on them a lot better whilst also having time to spend with DH, we could afford more for them and I would less likely get burnt out or feel pulled in two different directions.

I’m also fairly confident I won’t want to be a SAHM and will want to work at least 30 hours, as I enjoy what I do. Surely with two there would be double the housework, double the school assemblies and events to attend to get time off for. I don’t get on particularly well with my sibling so I know it wouldn’t be a guaranteed friend for the first. Also aware any DC has probably a high chance of being ND themselves as I almost certainly am and DH has some traits

Know you can’t always plan for how you’ll feel before you have one, and circumstances change. Wondering if you yourself are ND how many children you wanted or have, and why?

Also I did think we'd be fine with two if the first wasnt particularly challenging. But you can't tell really until their hit their teens.

I’m the DC of a ND mother. My sibling was also ND.

My mum found my sibling much easier to understand and parent. They were both very high functioning, whilst she was fixated on her work, my sibling would also have special interests that he would be quite obsessive about, and this was a huge bonus for her. Perhaps it made him easy to predict, but presents for etc.

DM found me much more difficult, noise, movement and novelty were joyful to me. I am extroverted and crave contact with others. It felt torturous to be kept away from my friends. Her excuse was too busy with work and I had a sibling. Unfortunately my sibling was not the type to want to play.

Her need for predictability calm and control felt suffocating. Her inability to understand the perspective of others made her brilliant at her job, but as her child I’m still unpicking the impact in therapy.

My DM found touch difficult and so avoided it at all cost, but the void really impacted my wellbeing. As a young teen I was promiscuous, which I now understand was my way to search for something I lacked at home.

My advice is by deciding to have children, you are obligated to put their needs first. Children need touch, and socialisation. They can be noisy and unpredictable. They may view the world and their place in it in many shades of grey, and feel suffocated by black and white thinking. Try to understand their perspectives, don’t railroad their feelings. If you are super focussed, like my mum, try your hardest to not loose focus of them. You may love your work, but a ND will know if you love work more than them, and it hurts.

DH diagnosed, me not but most likely a hard to pick ND woman as well. 6 kids.

I always wanted to be a mum. Once I was one I found it shockingly difficult. It was whilst googling 'why did I ever want a family when I really like being alone?' that I came across Autism in women. I was diagnosed with ASD not long after.

When my dd was small it was the physical touching that I found hard. I had no idea how much small children touch you. On the face, on the head, they literally like to climb on you and my dd like to fall asleep with our faces pressed against each others in a certain way. I hated it. It's better now she's older but I know sometimes she has come towards me and I have winced. I only realise by her reaction to that. That makes me sad for her.

I wouldn't have another because I wouldn't cope and I wouldn't want her to see me being how I was when she was born or take it out on her when I inevitably struggled. I also would hate to have a child that suffered like I do. I don't think she is autistic and I pray that if she has kids they are not either.

This has been a really interesting thread and I hope you find some helpful answers in it OP x

I have adhd. I have four kids, but wasn't diagnosed until after I had my 4th

2 ND parents here. We wanted 2 and had 4. They have multiple ND and medical issues. Home educating them was frankly easier than the constant negotiations with schools would have been. The youngest is in his last year of GCSEs so I’m looking back with rose tinted glasses, it was chaotic, stressful but fun.

The elephant in the room is that certain types of neurodiversity makes it hard for you to see others' perspectives. Like your mother.

I'm not sure why they decide to have children though..children are unpredictable and messy.

My father was also ND and has his special interests but he also happily watched Barbie movies and TV with me... He would do whatever I wanted. His main flaw was executive dysfunction but emotionally he wasn't a bad parent.

Don't know though. Many unsuitable people are parents. I guess, if one is giveing it a lot of thought they are unlikely to fall into that category

Thank you for this. It is really interesting to read the answers, I hoped it would be tbh

She sounds a lot like my middle DS. He is very much the classic presentation of Autism. I don't know if he'll ever have DC, he's only little currently, but if he does I'll keep an eye out for this. He wants touch sometimes like a hug or foot tickles, especially from me but other times its very much a no to any contact, which we respect. But it's very different if that's your partner or your parent. I'm sorry you went through this, it's hard having that coming from your mum of all people.

My youngest also Autistic is the opposite of his brother and seeks out contact constantly and I hug him, because he's my kid and thats what he needs. That might or might not have been within your mum's capacity to do, but that doesn't make it any less harmful to your child. Physical contact can definitely be a big issue for some people.

OP. If you're ND, you're highly likely to have a ND child too and their needs could well be much higher than yours. Nothing tests your resilience, and the resilience of your relationship with your partner, than having children - let alone if your children have SEN and you're NT yourself.

Would you be able to spend time with ND children now, perhaps by attending a ND parent & children group, and get an idea of what life with ND children is like?

Yeah I did work experience and my cousin has a ND child. :)

I have two. I found everything got much harder after having kids as I have poor short term processing function and there is so much more to try and remember these days. My work has definitely suffered and I think i would really struggle if i had to move to a new job amd learn a load of new stuff. I was always convinced that the older one was ND. The younger one's clear ND symptoms got missed as they are so different amd nothinglike mine. I spend a lot of time worrying about them and their being in a world that isn't designed for them. I do things would be calmer if I could home school them, but giving up work isn't an option. Over all I love them to pieces and am glad they have each other. I wouldn't add a third to the mix though, not least because at my age the chance of more severe difficulties increases.

As sensible as this post is... ND children are all different. There's no telling how yours will turn out ... And whether their needs would be opposite to yours.

Autistic and ADHD. I wanted a big family at least 3 kids ideally 5. I stopped at 2. Partly financial but mostly 2 kids is so so much harder for me than one was and I could not have coped with more. Baby phase is ok but after that it's been v hard from a sensory standpoint. I struggle socially and having to try to accommodate social needs of two children is harder for me than I could have imagined as is going to the kind of noisy sensory overload places that kids enjoy. The demands on my attention from two is harder, I get touched out very quickly too.
I love my two so much but stopping at one would have been do much better for my mental health and burnout and probably would have made me a better parent to my first who I believe probably is ND.

I’m AuDHD. I have one DC. Would have liked two but fertility issues meant that wasn’t possible. Having one is probably easier for me. I believe she is ND too (paeds refuse to assess her, functions too well in school because she’s bright 🙄). I didn’t know I was ND when I had her. I struggled with the sleep deprivation and had PND. Also I realised my (now X)H was abusive and he made life more difficult.
I have a lovely relationship with DD now. We make a good team. I’d have loved a second but I have peace about it now, it was easier to raise just one and also to leave XH, if I’d had another I think I’d have been stuck for longer.

I'm autistic and DH has ADHD and probably autism too, though he's not been diagnosed with the latter.

We wanted kids initially but now we've realised that we wouldn't cope. I need too much alone time (as does DH) - he is also chronically disorganised. Personally I couldn't cope with all the noise of small children and I definitely couldn't handle being touched constantly.

My dad is also autistic and while he was a good parent in many (practical) ways he clearly struggled in others and I don't think he was a natural parent or that he enjoyed it very much. He was quite stand-offish when I was growing up though too. Of course now I understand that he was struggling with severe sensory overload but as a child I felt quite pushed out.

I now suffer sensory overload myself and totally get it.

I'm not diagnosed with ASD but my eldest child is. Since they were diagnosed I have started to suspect I am autistic too and that it runs in the family.

I struggle massively with having other people in the house which means we don't really do play dates. This has been fine so far as my eldest hasn't shown any desire to have them, but my youngest appears NT and is getting to the age where I think they would enjoy them. She may also want to join clubs etc which I will support.

I find the constant noise and chatter quite draining and I don't have as much time alone to ever really recharge. I hate the social side of parenting, school runs, volunteering etc.

Eldest wasn't diagnosed until 3 so we had already had another by then. I might have stuck with one if we had realised earlier they were Nd, worrying that their needs would be incompatible. I'm glad we didn't though. They are quite close and are good for each other.

In summary I have found 2 much harder than one would have been as I struggle to divide my attention between them. But I have no regrets as they are great little people and I love them so much! I actually think my possible Nd makes me a more dedicated parent as my focus is always on them.

I find the viewpoints of posters on here with ND parents very telling, and I think you need to take them into account when considering having a family.

I'm pretty sure DH is ND. He needs a lot of alone time and loathes noise and chaos. I'm also pretty sure he has ADHD as well.

We had very few family days out when DD was growing up as DH just never wanted to go anywhere that might even be slightly busy. So, it was always just me and DD.

DH never took DD to parties, and only stayed for about 5 minutes at a soft play party for her before leaving as he couldn't bear the noise.

Basically, I'm saying that you need to get used to being out of your comfort zone if you have children, and be prepared to take them to parties and have playdates if that is what they want to do. It isn't fair on them to isolate them because it doesn't suit you.

We have two, now their a little older I love it but having a baby and toddler was hard. Not to be a downer, but there's also a higher probability that your DS will be neurodiverse (mine both are). That wouldn't have stopped me having mine, but maybe something to think about in terms of predicting how much you can handle, and also timing.

DS's traits weren't really aparent until he was a toddler, so the way the timing fell for us, he was at his most challenging when the baby was born (having had no major issues when I conceived). If I could go back in time, I probably would of had a slightly bigger age gap.

DH currently going through ASD assessment. Struggles a lot with the sensory overload of kids, and 'normal' family noise of kids screeching costs him a lot. He needs time alone to stay sane which I then don't get. His need for sameness is also challenging since the kids by definition change constantly. As a parent you meet your kids needs at the expense of your own esp if you're two working parents like us, without family support. It can be very difficult at times.

I'm surprised at the number of families on this thread with 4 or more DC TBH.

Having a large family is hard enough at the best of times.

I think that’s an admirably self-aware post.

I have ASD and ADHD myself and my partner also has ASD.
We have 4 children. We will not have anymore as they all are diagnosed themselves.
Child 1 has asd
Child 2 asd and dyspraxia
Child 3 asd, adhd, pda and ARFID
Child 4 asd, global development delay.

We wasn't diagnosed ourselves till after the children started being diagnosed.

My 2 children are ND, I’ve come to realise I am too but not until they were diagnosed

One thing to consider is not all ND children can cope in school, mine find it unbearable.
It is a massive fight to get support so I am most likely going to home educate both. Going out to work is not possible for me.

For some reason i have a lot of ND friends and they all have 1 or more ND kids.
The friend with only 1 or 2 ND kids are doing fine…
But there is also the ADHD mum with 3 ADHD kids and the ASD mum with 3 ASD kids , one non-verbal. They are having the hardest of times. They have to work, but also need to juggle all appointments for their kids, all the constant meltdowns. For any person this would be hard, but if you are ND yourself it is almost impossible. Or a reason to get burn-out or seriously depressed.

I would definitely have a large age gap between kids to find out at first if they have a diagnosis and how severe it is, before having the second child. We did this by accident, and i am glad it worked out this way.