Any neurodiverse parents? How many kids did you decide to have

[Daisywishes]

We are going to try for our first later this year, so exciting I really can’t wait!! I have always been a maternal person, without giving my job role away babies are at the centre of what I do! I am also awaiting a diagnosis for autism & ADHD. It doesn’t affect my success greatly in that I managed academically, have a professional job & lovely soon-to-be hubby. I have friends and can empathise. It’s more I’m sensitive to change, busy environments feel stressful, procrastinate often, struggle in social situations (mask well) that kind of thing.

I always pictured myself with a bigger family but I also like to be practical and know my own limits. I presume with just one child I could focus on them a lot better whilst also having time to spend with DH, we could afford more for them and I would less likely get burnt out or feel pulled in two different directions.

I’m also fairly confident I won’t want to be a SAHM and will want to work at least 30 hours, as I enjoy what I do. Surely with two there would be double the housework, double the school assemblies and events to attend to get time off for. I don’t get on particularly well with my sibling so I know it wouldn’t be a guaranteed friend for the first. Also aware any DC has probably a high chance of being ND themselves as I almost certainly am and DH has some traits

Know you can’t always plan for how you’ll feel before you have one, and circumstances change. Wondering if you yourself are ND how many children you wanted or have, and why?

Many autistic people are also very tactile. It really depends on their specific profile. I can rarely get my two limpets to let go of me. 🤣 I think part of the lack of affection/ never talking about feelings was a generational difference rather than to do with neurodiversity. My mother, who is NT, never talked to us about feelings or relationships or showed us any love at all, just endless criticism. This was particularly damaging to us as ND children though as we had no support in learning to interpret social situations or manage relationships or how people behave or how to regulate or even name and describe our feelings, let alone any emotional support when we were distressed or bullied. I didn't figure out until my 20s that people often aren't actually saying what they mean and expect you to guess it from them saying something different, or tell so-called "white lies" because nobody ever explained this. I thought you could interpret interactions in a straightforward way and people meant things they said because to me it makes no sense for people to lie about things constantly. If as children we showed any emotion at all we were punished for it. Our differences were mocked and ridiculed. I am still in therapy now trying to undo the damage.

Late diagnosed neurodivergent mum of 2 here. Think H also neurodivergent but won't pursue an assessment. Very tough in the early years but LOVED from about 4-10. Tougher now they're teenagers as I have less control! That sounds awful but they go to bed when they want rather than me putting them to bed and having that blissful evening downtime.

What is lovely about your own dc is they accept you for who you are and you can unmask in front of them. I always felt a great sense of peace and relaxation when we were pottering about at home together or out and about. You can be yourself in front of your own tribe and it's liberating. Especially as I have to mask in front of my own parents as they have an impression of me that isn't the reality the "perfect" child. They never sought support for my considerable emotional and social difficulties when younger as the fact I was high achieving academically was all they wanted. Equally I try to treat my children for who they are not based on aspiration, e.g. DD may not go to uni... absolutely fine! I never had that option and failed spectacularly at my first uni attempt due to procrastination, social dictionaries, difficulties with task initiation etc etc.

Very interesting thanks all. I am very affectionate naturally and have always had strong maternal instincts, my emotional reactions are definitely there but sometimes I feel them too strongly if that makes sense!
We are younger (still 20s) I wonder if there’s more chance of a NT child the younger you are, or if you have the genes involved maybe it would happen anyway and be no more or less likely to do with age?
Not that I would be unhappy with a ND child and I think I would actually do very well, even though it would be hard. I just want to make life as easy for them as possible of course

@Kafkaland DH is a massive cuddler one of my favourite things about him, also cares very much whether I am happy.
Gonna go give the man a beeeg hug

Very tough in the early years but LOVED from about 4-10.

This is what I'm hoping for, some respite now so that I can recouperate before teenage years and menopause hit at the same time. 🤣🤣🤣

We are younger (still 20s) I wonder if there’s more chance of a NT child the younger you are, or if you have the genes involved maybe it would happen anyway and be no more or less likely to do with age?

There's good evidence that the likelihood of an ND child increases with the age of both the ovum and sperm, but I think that research didn't take into account whether the parents were ND or not. It's an interesting question.

This is me! Peri and teenagers... Plus ADHD symptoms have gone on acid!! I must use my tile key finder about 6 times a day... I've stopped masking as much generally though so am not forcing myself to socialise when I don't want to anymore which is a blessed relief.

🥰🥰🥰

My children (and me) love to hug! We are very affectionate. Some of my favourite times are movie nights, all cuddled up on the sofa together.

The thoughtfulness of my children and the kind things they do for each other and me, unprompted, is amazing. Far above the expected level of empathy for their ages. One of them made me a snack in the shape of a heart out of various fruits the other day. They make pictures for each other and other things as a surprise, give each other toys when the other one is sad, put a lot of thought into each other's birthday presents etc.

Your DH sounds wonderful. 😊

There is meant to be a link to age of parents but the far stronger link is genetic. Nobody quite understands why yet but if you have a ND parent that will far outweigh the age-related association. If both parents are ND it is highly likely to have ND children.

The thing is, while you want life to be easy for them and clearly living in a world designed for NT people, it is easier to be NT... if you are ND you may find you'd be a better parent to an ND child than an NT one. You have literally no way to know, really, in advance. And let's hope that gradually the world becomes a bit kinder to ND people so it isn't such a hostile place by the time today's ND kids grow up.

Would love to know the answer!

This is me! Peri and teenagers... Plus ADHD symptoms have gone on acid!! I must use my tile key finder about 6 times a day... I've stopped masking as much generally though so am not forcing myself to socialise when I don't want to anymore which is a blessed relief.

😩😩😩

You poor thing.

This is what I dread!! I am already finding my ADHD and autistic traits magnify with age. It must be SO hard dealing with peri plus a hormonal teens that need so much extra emotional support and are much more volatile. Superhuman!!

At least @Daisywishes if you have them younger you could get peri out of the way before they become teens. 🤣🤣

Would love to know the answer!

I did ask geneticists about his when I was pregnant and the long and short of their answer (backed up by what research I could find when I had time to read such things...) was that nobody knows. They can't tell you probabilities because the specific genes linked to it have not been identified yet.

Also @Daisywishes I have a support group of autistic women. From that group of perhaps 25 of us I and two others have two children. Another 5 or 6 have one child. I'd say 7 or 8 more seem to want to have children at some point but haven't yet through circumstance (mainly the younger ones still getting established with study/ work, or those who have not met a suitable partner) and the remaining maybe 8 or 9 have chosen to remain childfree. Obviously not a statistical study! But thought it might be interesting given your question. It is interesting that none of us has more than two children. And everyone in the group who has children has neurodiverse children...

My DH and I were both in our 20s when we had our children. It's the older one (born when I was mid 20s) who is the most obviously ND.

That said, the fact we are older now too also puts me off having more because the chance of an ND child with complex needs feels even higher.

I should note though that the majority who have only one child also had a partner/ husband who scarpered shortly after said child was born so I cannot comment on whether they would have chosen to have more in different circumstances. My ex-H didn't scarper until baby #2 was born, which I'm grateful for as I am glad I have two. Interestingly the two women (other than me) who have two children are still in nuclear families so I presume they have chosen to stop there, unless secondary infertility is involved, obviously I've not asked them!!

Does anyone in your group have an NT child in addition to an ND one?

Your post is actually making me feel less regretful about my decision to stop at 2. Not that I don't love my ND kids, but I really wouldn't cope with a 3rd (and my biggest fear would be having one with very complex needs who never slept etc).

@cloudsintheceiling one has one ND child and one NT child. I think in many ways based on what she says that is actually harder! Although obviously it would depend on specific needs.

For two of those who have just one child, they are still too young to know for sure. One is fairly certain her child is NT, no signs yet at 5 of any traits. The other woman's child is a toddler still but already showing some classic behavioural traits so she is in the process but won't know for sure for some time.

The rest of all of our children are all ND (diagnosed).

That's really interesting. So around 90% of the children of people in your group are also ND? Are their needs more or less complex than that of their parents, or roughly the same?

So yes, sorry, maybe me saying everyone in the group has neurodiverse children was wrong. One child is thought not to be, one is undiagnosed but thought likely to be ND and awaiting assessment, and one mother has one NT and one ND child. But that's out of 11/12 kids... the genetics are strong! The rest are all diagnosed already with various combinations.

Part of it may be though that ND people often feel most comfortable with other ND people (and many of us were diagnosed later in life so had children before we knew we were autistic ourselves) and my understanding is that with two ND parents the probability of ND kids is vastly increased, although again nobody can put a percentage on this as yet. Lots of us think or know that our children's fathers are also ND. And it may vary a lot depending on the type of ND: my group is for autistic women. But many of us also have ADHD as there's a strong link between those two.

That's really interesting. So around 90% of the children of people in your group are also ND? Are their needs more or less complex than that of their parents, or roughly the same?

Their needs a very similar to ours. But the hope it that with earlier diagnosis and far better parenting their mental health will be much better and their lives much happier.

In fact a fair few of the children are teenagers already and they are certainly flourishing im a way that none of us did because they have been supported emotionally by parents that "get it" and have fought tooth and nail for them to have their needs met.

I'm autistic and I have one NT child and one awaiting assessment (everyone I know with any experience of autistic kids is like "Oh, he definitely is!" And I tend to agree).

The NT one, though....I know the received wisdom is that you either are or you aren't ND..but let's just say he's got traits 🤔 I'd say the traits he has answer the description of PDA/ anxiety. This doesn't always make for an easy ride, especially now he's a teenager!

Regarding affection: I think it's easier, now that we have more awareness of our conditions, and of the emotional needs of children, to make ourselves more responsive to those needs. My dad, who I suspect of being ND, was horrible. Self obsessed, critical, verbally nasty, negative, aggressive. He still is, and my DC don't want to be around him. Would he have been like that were he equipped with the tools for greater self awareness and empathy? Who knows.

I'm definitely aware I don't want to repeat his mistakes- I can be shouty with my DC (especially DS1- as mentioned above, he can be very challenging), but I tell them I love them all the time, praise them, listen to their problems and (try to) encourage them to express their emotions, and cuddle them a lot, especially DS2 who is a real cuddle bug!

Three, but with such a large age gap it was like having 1 and then 2 (plus a teenager along for the ride!)

I never intended to have a singleton and I didn't really like the experience of it. Nothing to do with DS1 who is lovely (though we did clash a bit for a while and he is quite full on, probably because he has ADHD like me).

But I think having one is so very different to having multiple kids at once. It's very intense, because they are the overwhelmingly most significant/important thing in your life, rather than this being spread across multiple children. I hyperfocused on parenting a lot when DS1 was younger and I didn't have any reference to other kids to compare him against. I don't think this was ultimately helpful.

You end up having to do a lot of playing/entertaining/activities with them in comparison to when you have 2+ where you can kind of set things up and they will play together. You also end up hosting other people's kids a lot so that your child has someone to play with and I don't really like doing this.

It was actually quite lovely and very special when it was just me and him (I split up with his dad when he was 1) but then when now-DH moved in it changed things again. Ultimately positively in the long run, but I felt like the dynamic was different with two adults / 1 child and it felt kind of sad for him! (I might be totally projecting here because I was so close to my sister). I also found it hard to get the right feeling at Christmas/birthdays etc - better if we could get together with family, although TBH there were hardly any kids DS1's age in our family so that was hard as well.

The 1DC lifestyle would suit some people I think but I find it better and more enjoyable with more. It's something to do with the variety and novelty and I tend to do better when I'm a bit more busy - when I don't have anything to do I fall into a slump. So being run off my feet in chaos works better!

I have 5 kids and I have ADHD. My husband is NT. None of ours are obviously ND but I suspect one teen is just a brilliant masker and fairly bright academically so it’s never been flagged by school. Watching that space.

I’ve found it very difficult parenting teens (2 of mine are there now with one almost a teen). I found parenting a lot easier in my 20s than I do now in my late 30s!