Any neurodiverse parents? How many kids did you decide to have

[Daisywishes]

We are going to try for our first later this year, so exciting I really can’t wait!! I have always been a maternal person, without giving my job role away babies are at the centre of what I do! I am also awaiting a diagnosis for autism & ADHD. It doesn’t affect my success greatly in that I managed academically, have a professional job & lovely soon-to-be hubby. I have friends and can empathise. It’s more I’m sensitive to change, busy environments feel stressful, procrastinate often, struggle in social situations (mask well) that kind of thing.

I always pictured myself with a bigger family but I also like to be practical and know my own limits. I presume with just one child I could focus on them a lot better whilst also having time to spend with DH, we could afford more for them and I would less likely get burnt out or feel pulled in two different directions.

I’m also fairly confident I won’t want to be a SAHM and will want to work at least 30 hours, as I enjoy what I do. Surely with two there would be double the housework, double the school assemblies and events to attend to get time off for. I don’t get on particularly well with my sibling so I know it wouldn’t be a guaranteed friend for the first. Also aware any DC has probably a high chance of being ND themselves as I almost certainly am and DH has some traits

Know you can’t always plan for how you’ll feel before you have one, and circumstances change. Wondering if you yourself are ND how many children you wanted or have, and why?

The fact you are neurodiverse is a strong indicator that you will most likely end up with a ND child- rather than age. I had my children in my 20's and so a few parents who I know of, we all ended up with neurodivergent children.

We are younger (still 20s) I wonder if there’s more chance of a NT child the younger you are, or if you have the genes involved maybe it would happen anyway and be no more or less likely to do with age

If you are in fact neuro-diverse, that will be the biggest indicator that you'll have an ND child yourself.

Personally, I don't know any ND adults who don't have at least one ND child - it's crystal clear to me that it's something that runs in families.

It seems like the NT children are often cast aside in favour of their siblings/parents ND needs.

Hmmmm, not sure about that!! I mean, until very recently autistic people were expected to just "fit in" and pretend to "be normal", or given conversion therapy, or bullied and beaten until they managed to mask even at home, or carted off to the asylum.

And even now it is ND people that are expected to fit into a hostile world designed for NTs with no thought for anybody else, have to fight for the slightest adjustment, often still have unsupportive family members or schools, etc. Some parents even still resist/ refuse diagnosis so the ND children get no support at all and no chance of self-understanding which often leads to catastrophic mental health problems.

In our home growing up my NT brother was the golden child and the two ND children were bullied and abused by our NT parent. It certainly doesn't appear to me like ND people are prioritised in any area of life.

I know one family with one ND and one NT child, and one family with on ND and two NT children. In both of those the parents are very focused on having 1:1 time with the NT children, ensuring they get a chance to do activities etc that wouldn't be suitable for their ND siblings, making sure all of the children are raised with good boundaries and proper respect for each other's needs.

I must say I find it very disheartening when appalling behaviour is blamed on ND (where there are no learning difficulties etc so the person in question is capable of understanding their behaviour and the impact of it). I read lots of threads on here armchair diagnosing people, with a knee jerk reaction that anybody behaving in a selfish or abusive or rude or unempathetic manner must be autistic. 🙄 The reality is that I know zero autistic people who behave in such a way, and I know many. I mean, of course there will be some, as some of the awful stories on this thread show... but there are lots of abusive, selfish and unpleasant NT people as well! It's not got anything to do with being neurodiverse of not. It's nothing to do with the diagnostic criteria at all.

Although, I wouldn't be surprised if some autistic people who are unaffectionate/ unempathetic/ abusive from the older generations are that way due to trauma from their own childhood or unmet needs and abuse, rather than it being innate. Those types of behaviours are classic parts of trauma response (in both NT and ND people).

Not to mentioned how our NT step parents' wants (both parents remarried) were put above our needs, in every possible way. It was utterly horrendous.

The experience of almost all of the autistic adults I know was the absolute opposite of their needs being prioritised as a child. Many have taken decades to recover from the resulting trauma, and many never will. I mean, I don't think you ever fully can really. Just learn to live with it better and process it finally. But it's certainly not been my experience in anything I've seen or the harrowing life stories I've been told that ND people's needs have been put first: very much the opposite.

@Kafkaland exactly, it blooming pisses me off when people armchair diagnose.
Yes, an ability to understand social cues is a symptom of autism but there are plenty of plain selfish etc arseholes who don't have a diagnosis of anything..they're just selfish!

Your last paragraph really resonates with me!
I need my sleep and am not myself without it.
But also.. I'm slight and just over 5 ft. The same size as a 12 year old. DH is 6 ft+ , from a tall family and can lift me off my feet easily.
I don't think I could cope with male DC who had violent meltdowns into their teens. I would end up seriously injured if I tried anything . It's just not physically possible

Yep! Autistic people may have trouble reading social situations especially when people expect their minds to be read instead of saying what they mean! Or even worse, presume subtext in what the autistic person has said when there is none because they themselves speak in riddles so assume everyone else does too. 🤦🏻‍♀️😆 I do sometimes wonder how has the communication problem... 🤣🤣

But there's a world of difference between communicating in a different way, and being rude/ selfish/ unempathetic/ abusive. There's absolutely no evidence that being autistic makes it any more likely for somebody to be those things. In fact, research suggests the opposite is the case: autistic people generally have MORE empathy, are more altruistic and tend to suffer immense anxiety at the idea of upsetting other people.

It would be so good if some of these damaging stereotypes finally disappear. It's so upsetting to see/ hear them parrotted over and over again, and makes me really sad for my children because it could not be further removed from how they are and I don't want them to feel ashamed of their diagnoses or judged to have all kinds of horrible qualities that they absolutely do not and are nothing to do with autism in reality. 😔

I think sometimes people hyperfocus on parenting/having babies and make it their special interest. I did when mine were young.

Also if you struggle with impulsivity you might end up having unplanned pregnancies.

I think the only way I've coped with parenting is to make it a special interest! Otherwise I would massively resent how much time and energy it takes up. Although even with that I'm still rather cross at how it's crowded out the other interests, for now. 😡😵‍💫🤣 Definitely couldn't manage 4 though. Well, not on my own anyway. And even if I had a co-parent actually I think I'd feel I couldn't give them the individual attention and time they need, whether NT or ND. Impressed that other people manage to!

I had 3. All 3 are neurodiverse as am I.

Big, big warning. The teenage years are dreadfully hard nowadays for autistic teens and their parents.

Modern life doesn’t suit autism. 2 of my children are quite mentally unwell. Many other kids we come across having treatment are also neurodiverse.

You have no control and that alongside the pain of seeing your children’s struggle can be unbearable. Do not treat having children as a special interest. I’ve had hours of therapy to unpick and treat that train of thought.

I have anxiety, postnatal anxiety, traits of ADHD, OCS and complex trauma. I also suspect asd. I have 3 children. All close in age. I struggle sometimes with noise, it triggers me and I don't mean noise of them playing or noisy toys but when they are screeching and arguing. I have got sensory earplugs that help a little. I also sometimes feel touched out. But I adore them.

So sorry to hear this. 😔 I didn't mean to be flippant about it being a "special interest". Teenage years are so hard on ND children. I hope yours get through it ok, and you.

Almost certainly ND here but undiagnosed. More ND in immediate family on both sides. We have one with ASD/PDA and then NT children.

I find it incredibly hard and have had repeated burnouts which have affected my physical and mental health, mostly due to the clash in my ASD presentation and that of my ASD/PDA (plus other issues) child. In many ways I now know I probably only have the resources for one... but then I wouldn't have had the other NT children who are just so easy and give me so much pleasure. However they are almost like aliens to me in many ways! I have a very different connection with the ASD/PDA child (despite how challenging they are in almost every way).

I also don't know a single family with an ND parent without at least one ND child, it is just so heritable. Some of these families have really struggled and broken down under too much stress sadly.

I've only realised I probably have ADHD and maybe autism. I don't think DH is. We have two children, one of whom is probably ADHD and possibly autistic. I found the demands of their babyhoods easy as I didn't really have to entertain them on the same level as I do now they're older. Im also starting to struggle with keeping track of dates of extra curriculars, school stuff, medical appointments is becoming more and more as they age, and time keeping is a particular weakness of mine, so that's fun.

DH wants more but I think my ability to function as a reasonable level would crumble fairly quickly if we added another person (particularly if that person was also neurodivergent).

This is what I'm finding with my likely ND child- she likes making a lot of noise and generally being chaotic when she's worked up, but it makes my brain feel like it's on fire. Quite often our needs clash. I HATE mess and she loves messy sensory play.

Anyway, I'm doing therapy because her needs trump mine so I need better coping techniques!

@RampantIvy I think for me, ADHD has actually been useful in some ways as the chaos and unpredictable nature of a large busy family. My (mainly) NT friends always say they’d never manage a large family 🤷🏻‍♀️

My second child is autistic and also now has combined type ADHD. If he had been my first I wouldn't have had any more. I think it depends on you really. I know one parent who has birthed six high needs children that she can barely care for herself and it's an absolute tragedy. I also know a couple of others who have had four and three respectively despite being neurodiverse themselves and are actually amazing parents. It comes down to what you can cope with I guess. I couldn't cope with two of my boy I'm afraid!

Definitely knowing your own limitations is a good thing! Thank you for this

Thanks all, realised I never returned to this thread but rereading it and it’s really interesting and useful for me. I’m a bit nervous about doing a good job given being neurodivergent but I’m sure everyone has that worry, ND or not. Just want to make the best choices for everyone in the family! Part of my neurodiversity is trying to plan things way too far in advance, though. Maybe I just see how we go with one.

None. The fact I'm very noise sensitive was a factor in my decision not to have children. I also don't do well without a decent night's sleep.

I've got three. I only planned the last one 😂.

That’s valid!

I have ADHD diagnosed at perimenopause . I struggled massively after the birth of my two DC with anxiety and cognitive function. Despite this there are the best thing that ever happened to us. DH may also be ND . We like a fairly quiet existence ( noise sensitivity) . DC are neurotypical . Funnily enough neither of them like a lot of noise as they are not used to it in our home.
It is getting much easier now that they are both school age.

I didn't have them - I'm autistic and couldn't have coped whether the children were NT or ND. My resources are used up getting myself through daily life. By the time I was diagnosed I was past childbearing - this was an instinctive decision rather than a reaction to diagnosis.

Wishing you the best, OP.

A sweeping statement! My son has ADHD, which we put down to having a child in our forties. We are both neurotypical (as far as anyone can ever say!). Perhaps there are more reasons than just genetics - as in, the potential genes could be there in many people but why particular ones are switched on or off is still unknown. Could be age, diet, exposure to plastics, hormones in the water - who knows?