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Any neurodiverse parents? How many kids did you decide to have

125 replies

Daisywishes · 11/07/2023 17:40

We are going to try for our first later this year, so exciting I really can’t wait!! I have always been a maternal person, without giving my job role away babies are at the centre of what I do! I am also awaiting a diagnosis for autism & ADHD. It doesn’t affect my success greatly in that I managed academically, have a professional job & lovely soon-to-be hubby. I have friends and can empathise. It’s more I’m sensitive to change, busy environments feel stressful, procrastinate often, struggle in social situations (mask well) that kind of thing.

I always pictured myself with a bigger family but I also like to be practical and know my own limits. I presume with just one child I could focus on them a lot better whilst also having time to spend with DH, we could afford more for them and I would less likely get burnt out or feel pulled in two different directions.

I’m also fairly confident I won’t want to be a SAHM and will want to work at least 30 hours, as I enjoy what I do. Surely with two there would be double the housework, double the school assemblies and events to attend to get time off for. I don’t get on particularly well with my sibling so I know it wouldn’t be a guaranteed friend for the first. Also aware any DC has probably a high chance of being ND themselves as I almost certainly am and DH has some traits

Know you can’t always plan for how you’ll feel before you have one, and circumstances change. Wondering if you yourself are ND how many children you wanted or have, and why?

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 14/07/2023 08:21

RampantIvy · 14/07/2023 07:46

I'm surprised at the number of families on this thread with 4 or more DC TBH.

Having a large family is hard enough at the best of times.

I think there is a connection maybe.
I had never considered myself to be ND and married DH who I did not see was also ND. We had 3 kids within 3.5 years and it was total chaos but this did not seem to particularly stress either of us. It was not until the kids were teenagers that I noticed they were likely ND and in turn realised that I, and my dad, are highly likely to have ADD and my husband is highly likely to be ND too. Oldest child eventually diagnosed with ADHD, middle child had lots of funny sensory issues going on and youngest awaiting CAHMS currently to assess for autism/ ADHD. They are aged 16-20.
I think it was the ND that enabled us to cope as both very chilled and neither particularly tidy!! Although we found the mood swings of our first child very very challenging, and still do, as my DH never raises his voice and is very conflict avoidant, and I also hate confrontation. It was like living in an abusive relationship that you could not leave. However, now she is a young adult and had left home( termtimes) were really enjoy having her around and miss her.

Chasingadvice · 14/07/2023 08:48

RogersOrganismicProcess · 12/07/2023 05:23

I’m the DC of a ND mother. My sibling was also ND.

My mum found my sibling much easier to understand and parent. They were both very high functioning, whilst she was fixated on her work, my sibling would also have special interests that he would be quite obsessive about, and this was a huge bonus for her. Perhaps it made him easy to predict, but presents for etc.

DM found me much more difficult, noise, movement and novelty were joyful to me. I am extroverted and crave contact with others. It felt torturous to be kept away from my friends. Her excuse was too busy with work and I had a sibling. Unfortunately my sibling was not the type to want to play.

Her need for predictability calm and control felt suffocating. Her inability to understand the perspective of others made her brilliant at her job, but as her child I’m still unpicking the impact in therapy.

My DM found touch difficult and so avoided it at all cost, but the void really impacted my wellbeing. As a young teen I was promiscuous, which I now understand was my way to search for something I lacked at home.

My advice is by deciding to have children, you are obligated to put their needs first. Children need touch, and socialisation. They can be noisy and unpredictable. They may view the world and their place in it in many shades of grey, and feel suffocated by black and white thinking. Try to understand their perspectives, don’t railroad their feelings. If you are super focussed, like my mum, try your hardest to not loose focus of them. You may love your work, but a ND will know if you love work more than them, and it hurts.

What a fantastically honest post.

The issues addressed in this post are often ignored. What is really the best for the child in these situations? It seems like the NT children are often cast aside in favour of their siblings/parents ND needs.

Chasingadvice · 14/07/2023 08:53

sunshineandrain82 · 14/07/2023 08:07

I have ASD and ADHD myself and my partner also has ASD.
We have 4 children. We will not have anymore as they all are diagnosed themselves.
Child 1 has asd
Child 2 asd and dyspraxia
Child 3 asd, adhd, pda and ARFID
Child 4 asd, global development delay.

We wasn't diagnosed ourselves till after the children started being diagnosed.

It really does seem to run in families.
Would you have had 4 children if you had been diagnosed prior to conceiving them? It sounds like a very difficult life for you all.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

cinnamonfrenchtoast · 14/07/2023 09:04

It seems like the NT children are often cast aside in favour of their siblings/parents ND needs.

I think this happens way more than parents admit, to be honest. and I say that as an autistic adult with an autistic parent.

My dad is high functioning but very prone to sensory overload - he struggles with touch, loud noise and overpowering smells - not really conducive to living with small children.

As an adult I struggle with these things too and it's one of the reasons I'll never have children myself. I know that I need too much space and silence to ever be able to live happily with children, especially if they end up being neurodiverse themselves.

sunshineandrain82 · 14/07/2023 09:08

@Chasingadvice perhaps not. Our eldest was a teen herself before she was diagnosed.
Although we would 100% not of had our youngest if we had suspected our 3rd child. He's a lovely little boy but he's hard work. While our youngest is still non verbal.

Jellycats4life · 14/07/2023 09:24

It really does seem to run in families.

Of course it does, which is why all the hand wringing about the explosion in diagnoses of autism and ADHD is a load of bollocks 😄

I believe that every single ND child will have a ND parent, whether that parent knows it or not. It’s always existed, it’s always been prevalent, it’s just that in past generations it was ignored, especially in women and girls.

apples24 · 14/07/2023 09:26

Mumtothreegirlies · 12/07/2023 02:03

My mum was was never formally diagnosed as autism wasn’t really a thing when she was growing up but she does have what would have once been called Asperger’s.
I felt very isolated as a child because she never had any friends nor a close relationship with her siblings, she also didn’t ever kiss or hug our dad and showed very little emotion apart from happiness, which sounds great but isn’t so great when we’d come to her with problems and her reaction wasn’t appropriate to what we’d just told her.
she was a lovely mum, very homely but there was always something missing with her, which made us feel very unprotected and unsafe at times.
when I was giving birth with my 2nd child, she opted to walk out when there was an emergency during my labour, because it got too much for her. Which is fair enough but this is just one example of how her behaviours were inappropriate. She’d also fake cry at funerals, not because she didn’t care but because she didn’t feel deeply enough at the time to cry and didn’t want people thinking she was heartless.
if I had the option to change her as a mother I would because I feel her asd negatively effected all 4 of us.
so depending on how your autism (if that’s what it actually is) presents will determine how many children is suitable for you.
you have to consider how your symptoms of it will effect your future children and in what way.

I could have written most of this myself. My mum is autistic, diagnosed only after I became an adult and now that she is elderly, she is starting to struggle more than ever.

She was a single mum, I was an only child and neurotypical.

She was an amazing provider, completely devoted and extremely loving in her own way but something always was and still is missing around appropriate emotional responses. I'm still processing my childhood and overcoming learned behaviours to be fully emotionally present to my own DS and soon second child.

PurpleBugz · 14/07/2023 09:34

I'm autistic and adhd. Worked was functional etc etc. also very maternal. Motherhood is right for me I needed to do it. I love my children so very much.

The hardest part is feeling touched out. Sometimes I just don't want to be touched but a child can't not get a hug when they need. Sometimes you just want to be quiet and not have people talking but children come first. It's hard but doable.

But be very aware autism runs in families. I have a very high need challenging child. No childcare or school can meet his needs. I've had to stop work to care for him. Lost friends because of his behaviour. Lots my partner who couldn't cope with it.

Im so poor tired and alone. Im not a person anymore I'm a carer. Everything is a fight, you have to fight for education for your child have to fight for diagnosis. Constant judgment from others because 'bad parent'. My whole life revolves aromd his needs. Me and his siblings moderate our behaviour so as not to upset his sensory sensitivity. My house if full of sensory equipment. We have the same meals over and over. Endless washing and cleaning because he soils.

I can't say I would not have had him had I known his needs would be like this because I do have him and I couldn't not have him now. But had I not loved him?? I probably would have chosen to keep my own life.

I think all people considering being parents should consider if they could be parents to a disabled child. And if you have neurodiversity in the family you need to consider if you could parent a high needs nurodiverse child.

secular39 · 14/07/2023 10:06

Well, to be honest, you are most likely to have a child on the spectrum and the spectrum is very wide (minimal support to highly support). I have to tell you, it is not easy parenting a child with Autism. I think you should start with one and then see. But no way would I have more than two children if they were on the Autistic spectrum.

Baisksomwms · 14/07/2023 11:12

RampantIvy · 14/07/2023 07:23

I find the viewpoints of posters on here with ND parents very telling, and I think you need to take them into account when considering having a family.

I'm pretty sure DH is ND. He needs a lot of alone time and loathes noise and chaos. I'm also pretty sure he has ADHD as well.

We had very few family days out when DD was growing up as DH just never wanted to go anywhere that might even be slightly busy. So, it was always just me and DD.

DH never took DD to parties, and only stayed for about 5 minutes at a soft play party for her before leaving as he couldn't bear the noise.

Basically, I'm saying that you need to get used to being out of your comfort zone if you have children, and be prepared to take them to parties and have playdates if that is what they want to do. It isn't fair on them to isolate them because it doesn't suit you.

If you know kids are X, Y and Z. And you don't like X, Y, and Z. Then you shouldn't reproduce. You don't need a label to know what you do and don't like.

MN is sexist but it does tend to be men who so this. Piss off and leave parenting to the women. They can't all be ND.

I share your bafflement at all the large families though. Especially those with multiple disabled children. How???

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 11:14

Lol @RampantIvy .

Ironic considering how many NT parents of ND children spend half of their lives forcing them to do things which are extremely unpleasant for them, because meeting their children's needs doesn't "suit them".

Baisksomwms · 14/07/2023 11:15

PurpleBugz · 14/07/2023 09:34

I'm autistic and adhd. Worked was functional etc etc. also very maternal. Motherhood is right for me I needed to do it. I love my children so very much.

The hardest part is feeling touched out. Sometimes I just don't want to be touched but a child can't not get a hug when they need. Sometimes you just want to be quiet and not have people talking but children come first. It's hard but doable.

But be very aware autism runs in families. I have a very high need challenging child. No childcare or school can meet his needs. I've had to stop work to care for him. Lost friends because of his behaviour. Lots my partner who couldn't cope with it.

Im so poor tired and alone. Im not a person anymore I'm a carer. Everything is a fight, you have to fight for education for your child have to fight for diagnosis. Constant judgment from others because 'bad parent'. My whole life revolves aromd his needs. Me and his siblings moderate our behaviour so as not to upset his sensory sensitivity. My house if full of sensory equipment. We have the same meals over and over. Endless washing and cleaning because he soils.

I can't say I would not have had him had I known his needs would be like this because I do have him and I couldn't not have him now. But had I not loved him?? I probably would have chosen to keep my own life.

I think all people considering being parents should consider if they could be parents to a disabled child. And if you have neurodiversity in the family you need to consider if you could parent a high needs nurodiverse child.

I think that's a very valid point.
Although, so many people cannot parent full stop. Let alone cope with a disabled child.

It is telling though that the burden has fallen on you. Your partner walked away, but not you.

As I replied to PP ND aside more men are more feckless and irresponsible compared to women. I say this as someone happily married...

elliejjtiny · 14/07/2023 11:22

I've noticed that there are a lot of families on Instagram where either 1 parent or both are ND and they have 4+ children who are often ND as well. I sometimes wonder if it's partly because if organisation is not someone's strong point maybe they forget to sort out contraception. I can't exactly ask strangers (or anyone really) if their children were planned or not so it will probably remain a mystery. There is also the theory that if you have hypermobility (which is very common in ND people) then certain medications are less effective, including the pill.

In some ways dh and I are lucky in that although we are both ND we have very different needs/strengths so we manage to help each other and make it work. Dh is good with computers and driving. He hates anything social but I love it, although I get nervous when the dc have meltdowns in public. So dh will drive us places and wait nearby and I will phone him if I need help. I have endless patience but I'm also really slow at things. I'm a SAHM and DH fits his work (self employed) around the dc. We don't have much money but in-laws help by being very generous at Christmas and paying for the dc piano lessons. They help bil a lot with childcare which they can't do for us so they help us with money instead. We manage ok, although I lack confidence and worry that I'm not good enough.

We knew that dc were likely to be ND before they were born so we tried to plan accordingly. We tried to have babies when we were as young as we could because the chances of having ND children increases as you get older. We make sure that sensory avoiding dc2 gets plenty of time away from dc5 who likes to touch people. We have a house rule that upstairs is off limits to guests so that the anti social members of the family can have places to retreat to. We also have a visitors den which is basically a shed in the garden where the dc (mostly dc1 at the moment) can take his friends and not be interrupted by dc5 trying to hug them and sit on their laps. I like to think that I manage to accommodate everyone's different needs.

The dc are mostly very happy.

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:00

OP: there will be some commonalities but everyone's experiences will be different because there are so many different types of neurodiversity, and even the same type e.g. autism will impact different people in very different ways, depending on their particular sensory issues, etc. And because all ND people have different personalities as well as their differences, just like NT people do!

But FWIW, I have an autistic father and an NT mother. He has been a far, far better parent than her. Sure, he has his problems: he did not cope well with the noise of young children, and he's not great at emotional support. But it has always been clear that he loved us and wanted the best for us. Our main problems as children resulted from our hyper-critical and abusive NT mother trying to force us to be how she imagined we should be, punishing us for ND behaviour, lacking any empathy whatsoever and attempting to bully our autism out of us. And from NT step parents on both sides who again showed no acceptance of us, and insisted their partners prioritised their wants over our needs. I am resolved that my children will never, even be subjected to a step parent.

In terms of my own experience, I am autistic and have ADHD. I have two children, now 5 and 6, both autistic. One I think also has ADHD. They are absolutely amazing people and I would not change them at all. But they do have additional needs that makes parenting harder work (e.g. a lot of anxiety, extra appointments and needing support/ adjustments at school, sleep issues, meltdowns from overwhelm, sensory issues). And also more expensive: they cannot manage group childcare like wrap around care or holiday clubs so - as a lone parent with a demanding full time job - I have to spend a large amount of money on nannies.

I am a far better parent to my children because I am ND myself so I understand them and what will help them. I can give them the tools they need. Unlike my parents I fight for the support they need. When they are overwhelmed I understand it and can teach them how to regulate and recover. Some aspects of it are harder for me than they would be for an average NT parent, like noise and constant demands and lack of time to myself, although this would have been much more manageable if I was not a lone parent. It is also difficult because they are different and have different needs that sometimes conflict (although that can also be the case with NT kids). And that I have less time for each individually but again easier if there are two parents to split caring and working between them. However, they gain a great deal from having a sibling and from being so close in age which I believe outweighs this.

Keep in mind that you are quite likely to have ND children if you are ND and it is unpredictable how that will manifest. But again, that can be said of any child! It is always a gamble having a baby, for anybody. You don't know what their personality will be or health or needs. But given that you are more likely to have ND kids if ND yourself I would certainly ensure you are in a good financial position before having a baby. More than most children, ND children need stability and do not adapt well to change, in general. And the provision of support is so woeful that it makes parents' jobs much harder than they should be.

I recommend ensuring you have private healthcare in place that will cover the whole family so that you can access diagnosis privately not wait for years. Money put aside to fund OT and SALT etc privately if needed. For specialist childcare if they cannot cope with group settings. And ideally also for private school in case that is needed particularly for secondary stage because class sizes are too large and trying to get the state education system to meet the needs of ND children is pretty much impossible, particularly academic ones.

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:13

And yes, I always planned to have two children close in age and that was definitely the best decision for us. I have been lone parenting them since they were babies, and it was very difficult at first managing that plus work, particularly as the younger one barely slept and had to be held at all times and the older one was still under 2. But now it is (relatively speaking) much easier and they adore each other (despite the squabbling), do incredibly thoughtful and kind things for each other, learn a great deal from needing to accommodate each other because they are in many ways quite different, but actually also understand each other better than even I do. They play together a lot as well as now respecting each other's boundaries and having quiet time alone in their rooms when they want to and respect each other's private space because they know how it feels to need that themselves. But that is something that I have taught them: it takes times to give them the tools. There is a lot of fun and giggling in our house as well as the drama/ meltdowns and I think it would not be half such a happy home and fun childhood for them if either one of them was an only child. But again, every family is different!

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:16

The thing that drives me most insane now is the constant mess!! I feel like I soend half of my life tidying up. Sadly, neither of mine seem to have inherited the trait of wanting a clutter free environment and to line everything up neatly...

cloudsintheceiling · 14/07/2023 12:23

We had 2. I would have liked more, but the deciding factor for me is that one is also ASD and the other awaiting assessment. Because of this, parenting isn't what I expected (even taking into account my own ND childhood) - it's much harder and I feel isolated, judged and exhausted much of the time which doesn't help my own MH. Also, my children's needs aren't particularly complex especially now they are older -I have no idea how I would cope with a child with very high needs. So it seems safer to stop here, though I probably wouldn't if I had had NT children.

cloudsintheceiling · 14/07/2023 12:25

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:16

The thing that drives me most insane now is the constant mess!! I feel like I soend half of my life tidying up. Sadly, neither of mine seem to have inherited the trait of wanting a clutter free environment and to line everything up neatly...

Also this!
Mess
Noise
Interruptions to any and every train of thought
No proper rest on days you really need it

TheBirdintheCave · 14/07/2023 12:25

I am autistic and husband has ADHD. We currently have one son who is 2.5. As far as we can tell so far he is NT. We've had to have IVF to have a second and are having an embryo put back in a few hours! Fingers crossed we end up with two kids as that was our original plan.

Clarice99 · 14/07/2023 12:31

I'm autistic, diagnosed, and I also have a diagnosis for ADHD, combined type. I'm childfree by choice. No regrets at all.

I don't know how some people cope!

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:31

Also this!
Mess
Noise
Interruptions to any and every train of thought
No proper rest on days you really need it

Yes. The relentlessness of it is hard. I had not realised how much I relied on "downtime" after work to function. Now I am always either working or caring for them, barely even get to sleep, so burnout is a problem and as you say, no possibility of taking a break to recover from it.

I have some amazing custom-made earplugs that block out background noise but enable you to hear people talking to you still etc. Those are an absolute godsend (also for children's party hell).

But the mess, I have no solution to that except gritting my teeth and trying to wait it out. It is horrendous. I will be sad when early childhood has passed but one upside will be reclaiming downstairs and their mess being confined to their bedrooms!

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:32

TheBirdintheCave · 14/07/2023 12:25

I am autistic and husband has ADHD. We currently have one son who is 2.5. As far as we can tell so far he is NT. We've had to have IVF to have a second and are having an embryo put back in a few hours! Fingers crossed we end up with two kids as that was our original plan.

Good luck @TheBirdintheCave ! How exciting!

ItsNotRocketSalad · 14/07/2023 12:39

RogersOrganismicProcess · 12/07/2023 05:23

I’m the DC of a ND mother. My sibling was also ND.

My mum found my sibling much easier to understand and parent. They were both very high functioning, whilst she was fixated on her work, my sibling would also have special interests that he would be quite obsessive about, and this was a huge bonus for her. Perhaps it made him easy to predict, but presents for etc.

DM found me much more difficult, noise, movement and novelty were joyful to me. I am extroverted and crave contact with others. It felt torturous to be kept away from my friends. Her excuse was too busy with work and I had a sibling. Unfortunately my sibling was not the type to want to play.

Her need for predictability calm and control felt suffocating. Her inability to understand the perspective of others made her brilliant at her job, but as her child I’m still unpicking the impact in therapy.

My DM found touch difficult and so avoided it at all cost, but the void really impacted my wellbeing. As a young teen I was promiscuous, which I now understand was my way to search for something I lacked at home.

My advice is by deciding to have children, you are obligated to put their needs first. Children need touch, and socialisation. They can be noisy and unpredictable. They may view the world and their place in it in many shades of grey, and feel suffocated by black and white thinking. Try to understand their perspectives, don’t railroad their feelings. If you are super focussed, like my mum, try your hardest to not loose focus of them. You may love your work, but a ND will know if you love work more than them, and it hurts.

This posts resonates with me so much. My mum has hugged me exactly once in my life, and it was an awkward kind of arm-round-the-shoulder rather than a proper hug. I'd had a bereavement and was sobbing my heart out.

She was always open about how much she hated me as a baby because I cried and she couldn't stand the noise. My nan pretty much raised me.

She couldn't stand any kind of mess. On Christmas Day, seconds after we'd finished opening our presents she was tidying up the wrapping paper and sorting the presents into organised piles. It wasn't very joyful.

We never talked about feelings in our family. Ever.

She is bluntly honest about everything. E.g. if I cook us a meal and she doesn't like it, she'll tell me it's horrible with no tact. If I make a mistake there'll be no comfort or reassurance, just "Well you did it wrong." She wouldn't mind if somebody spoke to her like that so she isn't being deliberately nasty, but sometimes I just want my mum to make me feel better.

Those are just a few examples.

I now understand her, know she did her best, and don't hold it against her. We have a very good relationship, still with zero touch. She does sometimes say she loves me, which I heard for the first time in my 20s.

But my mum shouldn't have had children and I'm sure she would agree. She's never gone as far as saying she wished I wasn't born, but I've heard about when she had to call my nan to come and watch me as a baby or "I would have shaken you to death." She wasn't being abusive saying that to a child, just honest.

I'm NT as far as I know and think I'd make a terrible parent. I think we all need to reflect long and hard about whether we're suited to raising kids - as RogersOrganismicProcess says, can we put their needs first even when it goes against our own?

Express0 · 14/07/2023 12:39

None. I could not cope with having a child. The mess, the noise, the need for attention. No thank you.

Kafkaland · 14/07/2023 12:49

Some of these stories are very sad. I hope people do realise though that lacking empathy are not the result of being ND: this is simply a personality trait. Sadly my NT mother was like this too: no affection, no empathy whatsoever. The myth that autistic people lack empathy has been thoroughly debunked, in fact research demonstrates that the opposite it the case: on average autistic people are more empathetic than NT people. I think sadly some people who become parents are just not cut out for it and that has nothing to do with being ND/ NT, it is about whether you are capable of consistently putting someone else's needs above your own.