DD wants to back out of paid holiday

[Wildmoors]

We are due to go to Greece next Wednesday.
My DD who has issues with an eating disorder and self esteem, (she is having therapy for this) and is now saying she doesn’t want to go because of her MH.
It was a holiday we planned together. Just the two of us
She is 18. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her because of where she’s at. Don’t know what to do

To @ArseInTheCoOpWindow @FatGirlSwim @3AndStopping @Qbish @nancy75 etc -

I have been in exactly that position. My 18 year old was clearly too distressed and vulnerable to be left at home with a friend/neighbour popping in. With 3 days to go there was bugger all else we could do.

18yo had to accept that yes, we were all going, no exceptions.

Not Going was not on the table.

So we were going to have to problem solve our way through it, the way we had to problem solve our way through school, bullying, the various significant mental health crises they’d faced.

Not wanting to be out in public - easy, we packed DVDs, a Switch and books and they were free to relax in the hotel room when they didn’t want to go out. As it turned out, sometimes going out was fun.

Worried about food - we packed some of the “safe” foods, I contacted the hotel about what would be available and we discussed meal plans, packed measuring cups and scales (like we usually had to).

Anxious about getting ready - no worries. Leave it to me, go watch a DVD with your brother because we know we’ve done this before and the days before are the worst.

Usual sensory things to keep things as quiet and unstressful as possible, the favourite calming audio book set up and everything fully charged to get us through the journey.

What they needed first was to know that “I don’t want to, I can’t face it” was not a possible outcome (as we can’t magic up a career for them to stay at home). It is going to happen, so let’s stop the “I can’t” conversation and move onto how to make it workable.

We spent far too much energy over the years trying to address “I can’t” over the years. It created nothing but upset for them in a situation where an opt-out was not feasible. So we only deal in “how do we make this ok” now.

I’ve backed out of a holiday due to a diagnosed MH condition. It was at 3am I backed out and the flights were at 9am.

I got a GP note to confirm my diagnosis and the fact my MH condition can cause me to be unable to travel at short notice. Got a 100% refund from our travel insurance for me and DH (it was just the two of us going).

Brilliant idea.

I'm not going to explain this very well but could she weigh out her normal cereal at home and see how many spoonfuls that is then she might be able to use this information when at the buffet or even take her spoon from home so she would know its the same

This is true and why we declare everything and don’t lie by omission when we get travel insurance.

Legally, forcing an 18yr old to go with you to a foreign country against their express wishes is actually kidnapping.

”The offence of kidnapping is when somebody is taken against their will and imprisoned against their consent.”

Kidnapping can be by coercion and control, it doesn’t have to be physical restraining.

Well I stand corrected that you have not been in that situation.

But what worked for you, would in no way have worked for us. And may not for the OP. And your initial post was blunt and unsympathetic.

I hope you manage to go OP and have a good time

@Qbish

out of interest, why wouldn’t those strategies worked for for you? What did work?

Forcing yourself on a holiday when your MH isn’t up to it, isn’t wise. It ends up being utter torture and you come back feeling worse than when you left. Plus you now have guilt over ruining the holiday for everyone else too.

Theres nothing wrong with cancelling, taking the insurance refund and rebooking at a later date when you are more well.

OP was looking to convince her child to come. There isn’t any convincing to be done. At 18, especially with her ED and MH , there is no way the daughter is in a position to safely look after herself at home while the family were away. I don’t believe for a moment the OP would leave her behind.

It’s also not reasonable for the rest of the family to forfeit a paid-for holiday because she felt overwhelmed. But then, I am assuming she has siblings, which may not be the case - siblings of young people with disabilities or MH crises get a rough ride and I try and balance the needs of all my children.

Far better to address things step by step so the young person knows there is an escape route/ safe place/ coping strategy in place for each thing causing distress.

Treating our DC like an adult worked. Allowing them some agency.

The idea of asking the hotel for a food list is great.

And I know it's only a v minor point, but you could also mention how healthy a Greek diet is?

Good luck - a change of scene is usually great for anyone.

I wouldn't have gone.

It may have been mentioned but would taking measuring spoons help?

good luck

If the excellent advice on this thread didn't work, I wouldn't have gone.

@Qbish

but treating them like an adult would mean that leaving them home alone wouldn’t be an issue.

this could be a chance to challenge the ED in a safe way and a means of stripping it of its power. Also if op has other children who are really looking forward to the holiday it’s really difficult for Op to try to balance everyone’s needs (inclusion her own)

I"m so sorry for you both. Its so hard. Is there enough time for a joint therapy session, perhaps to make a plan?

This is a pre-existing condition so not likely to be covered.

Also, to those commenting RE insurance, I'd be very concerned if DD did not eat during the holiday needing an emergency admission, or, god forbid, did something to harm herself whilst out there. This probably wouldn't be covered either.

Its sad, and its a loss. That's the ED's doing, not DD's. She can't help it. She sounds very early on in her treatment and will likely not have the resources yet.

Be gentle on the both of you.

I feel for you both, op. My dd17 has ED. ED is rarely just about the food, it can cause crippling stress and anxiety.

We can all give advice and add our own experiences but you know your dd best, op. What is your gut feeling telling you? Also, will YOU be able to cope if she's struggling? It can be hard enough to deal with at home, let alone in a foreign country.

If you do have to cancel maybe you could have a couple of shorter breaks in the UK instead and maybe build up to a holiday abroad.

Could you sit down with her and write down a list of buffet meals that would be within her daily calorie goal before you go?

e.g. fruit or eggs on toast for breakfast, salad with chicken or fish for lunch, chicken and vegetables for dinner. It’s likely that the buffet will offer simple options like this and it might make her feel a bit more prepared knowing what she’s looking for rather than being overwhelmed. You could offer to go up and get her food if that helps.

Also make it clear to her that you’re happy to go to the supermarket at any time and buy whatever food she’s comfortable with if she decides the buffet is too much.

This would be my suggestion. Can she take pre prepared portions of things like cereal in Tupperware boxes - could measure into good bags and put in a large Tupperware . Take plastic plates, cutlery, washing up sponge and tea towel and buy washing up liquid and more food there. Reassure her that some meals at least she can sort out in the room. You have a fridge which is good.

Food bags!

@LunaLula83 I doubt you would say that if OP's daughter broke leg and couldn't take a holiday in a top floor apartment

I hope it works out for you both.
Our family went on holiday when my son had an ED (well, he still does but it was raging then). He felt too guilty to let us cancel but we worked around his safe foods at set times and it kind of worked. At this point lunch was a jam sandwich on the stroke of 12. Dinner had to be at 5 and was again identical each day in the exact same place. Apart from the carbonated water causing a problem, the ED was no worse abroad than at home, if that makes sense.
Ultimately, I hope you can work through or around this. So many obstacles in life but hope the ED is one you can both work through together. Best of luck