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Original poster

DD wants to back out of paid holiday

148 replies

Wildmoors · 30/06/2023 15:26

We are due to go to Greece next Wednesday.
My DD who has issues with an eating disorder and self esteem, (she is having therapy for this) and is now saying she doesn’t want to go because of her MH.
It was a holiday we planned together. Just the two of us
She is 18. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her because of where she’s at. Don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Terryer · 30/06/2023 15:59

Is she sad for you that you won't be able to go if she doesn't?

Original poster
Wildmoors · 30/06/2023 16:00

no option to self cater there is a fridge in the room, I understand the buffet will be overwhelming as she won’t have the calorific amount.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildmoors · 30/06/2023 16:02

Yes she is sad I was actually informed by her head of 6th who has been absolutely brilliant. She doesn’t want to let me down

OP posts:

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PetitPorpoise · 30/06/2023 16:03

I wonder if you contacted the hotel, would they have a list of the foods available.

She could pre-plan what she wants each day (even if it's the same thing every day) and then you could get it from the buffet for her if she finds it too overwhelming.

Original poster
Wildmoors · 30/06/2023 16:05

That’s a wonderful idea thank you

OP posts:
Terryer · 30/06/2023 16:06

Oh well I guess you are going to have to cancel. I feel sorry for you OP.

FatGirlSwim · 30/06/2023 16:06

A buffet is a nightmare for people with ED’s.

Does she have a treatment team who can make a plan with her? Holiday meal planning is a huge ask and with a dietician involved she will be able to find options to match her currrent plan and hopefully reduce her anxiety.

Does she have a therapist to talk this through with?

Foxesandsquirrels · 30/06/2023 16:08

Don't stress. Just take it one day at a time. It's normal for things like this to get super overwhelming the closer you get to the date. I would avoid talking about it too much, aside from offering to contact the hotel and get some info on food.
The other option I would give her is look, we'll be throwing a lot of money down the drain if we don't go, I completely sympathise and can imagine this is really hard, but how about we go, and if it's just too much we can leave early? I'm sure there's local shops we can get some food in if you're not up for the buffet?

FatGirlSwim · 30/06/2023 16:08

What my treatment team would have done (20 years ago) is figure out some options in advance to fit my meal plan.

meal plans were calorie counted.

There is still anxiety because it’s not a measured portion.

Does she have non perishable safe foods you can take with you? Her own cereal etc?

WeedSmellDramas · 30/06/2023 16:12

How difficult.

I can't pretend to understand. And my below idea might be way off being helpful. So apologies if so.

But I would definitely contact the hotel. Ask for their allergy list and any nutritional information you can get.

Are you able to pack things like measuring cups and scales etc to help her be in control of her potions. You can maybe get the food up at the buffet for her.

I really hope she does go and you are both able to have a lovely holiday.

FatGirlSwim · 30/06/2023 16:12

You could use the carbs and cals app to work the calories out? You may not want to introduce her to this as long term it’s not a great idea but in the short term it might enable her to deal with the buffet.

Remember that the anxiety rises when the ED is challenged. My Consultant used to say that if someone with an ED isn’t stressed by the treatment plan, it isn’t working.

I get that she may not be able to cope though and that self harm risk needs to be considered too. Playing it by ear and managing it day to day is hard. I hope you can both go.

coxesorangepippin · 30/06/2023 16:13

Download mfp so she can calculate the cals?

Original poster
Wildmoors · 30/06/2023 16:13

Therapy has just started we have had to pay privately because she doesn’t meet the criteria her weight etc for the NHS, she got given a load of handouts and an apology from our GP who did try to get the full referral 😬She has been referred though to an NHS dietitian which isn’t until the end of August.
I don’t mind eating in the room with her I didn’t really understand how terrifying a buffet could be

OP posts:
Original poster
Wildmoors · 30/06/2023 16:14

Thank you everyone your support is bringing tears to my eyes

OP posts:
3AndStopping · 30/06/2023 16:17

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Willowview · 30/06/2023 16:17

I had a similar problem when my son who has autism and mental health issues backed out of a holiday 3 years ago, same age. He was just overloaded by the prospect although agreed on booking. I think he knew a long time before he told me that he couldn't go, and in that time he had thought of everything that he would find challenging, which grew into a nonmoveable 'NO' I had to cancel I'm afraid, as I couldn't leave him.

You have nothing to loose by trying, as you are, to unpack the 'NO' and provide solutions to each worry.

FatGirlSwim · 30/06/2023 16:17

Have you made contact with Beat, the ED charity? Their helpline might be good support for you.

ED’s are horrific illnesses.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/06/2023 16:20

You could see if there is an online menu for the hotel, or email them asking for one. Or ask on Tripadvisor, see if you get any responses. Reassure her there will be no rush at meals if she wants to work out the calories. Breakfast at least should be easy enough to work out, buffets the world over tend to have similar things, she could take something to scoop up the correct amount of cereal too. You both sound you could really do with a holiday 💐sit down with her and see if you can make a plan.

Foxesandsquirrels · 30/06/2023 16:20

The other thing I suggest is that hotels won't really understand EDs. You're better off saying she has extreme food allergies and need to know exactly what's in her food. Is there any way she can have separate portions etc.

Brefugee · 30/06/2023 16:21

will you be able to claim on your insurance if you back out?

OldGreyBoots · 30/06/2023 16:22

This isn't comparable really, but for quite a few years I took jewellery scales in my handbag with me on holiday to weigh out portions, and the Carbs and Cals book (or app) to check what I was eating, roughly.

In my case it was because I'm type 1 diabetic but it might alleviate a little of the stress by being a bit in control?

Really feel for you both Flowers

IncompleteSenten · 30/06/2023 16:23

Would she feel better if you packed some safe foods and took them with you?
Assure her that she is in control and she doesn't have to go anywhere near the buffet if she doesn't want to.
But if she really can't face it then if it was me I'd cancel. Money's gone either way and her mental health is more important.
You sound like an understanding and loving mum. That is so important.

NoSquirrels · 30/06/2023 16:23

Foxesandsquirrels · 30/06/2023 16:20

The other thing I suggest is that hotels won't really understand EDs. You're better off saying she has extreme food allergies and need to know exactly what's in her food. Is there any way she can have separate portions etc.

This is good advice, OP.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 30/06/2023 16:23

Something simple like doing a lap of the buffet, seeing what's available then sitting down to process and plan what she wants might help too.

FatGirlSwim · 30/06/2023 16:24

JulieHoney · 30/06/2023 15:52

Tough luck, kitty cat, it’s too late to back out now.

She’s coming; she can stay in her room
and read all day if she wants. There’s no way an 18yo with MH problems and an eating disorder is in a position to be calling the shots.

Fairly obvious that you’ve never been in this position, then. What are you going to do, drag her on the plane?

And what are you going to do when she can’t cope and self harms / attempts suicide in another country because you forced her?!!

You’re also being extremely prejudiced- if the OP’s dd was saying she couldn’t come because her back was too painful and she didn’t think she could cope with the journey etc, would you say the same? Mental illness is real, you know.

OP, you sound like an understanding and lovely mum. Dd’s self esteem will be very low and she will feel awful about ruining the holiday. I think the best thing you can do is tell her that she deserves a lovely holiday and that you don’t want the ED to stop her from having that, and try to make a plan together to manage the anxiety so that she can cope with going?