DD wants to back out of paid holiday

[Wildmoors]

We are due to go to Greece next Wednesday.
My DD who has issues with an eating disorder and self esteem, (she is having therapy for this) and is now saying she doesn’t want to go because of her MH.
It was a holiday we planned together. Just the two of us
She is 18. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her because of where she’s at. Don’t know what to do

I do sympathise. Are their photos online of food on trip advisor so you can see if there are her safe foods there.
Does she eat any long life packaged foods eg protein bars so if need be she can eat those.
If she will eat but portion is an issue would taking a scoop or measuring cup help so she knows she’s having correct amount eg she puts cereal in bowl at buffet. At your table she scoops correct amount in her bowl and leaves rest.
Would emailing hotel re dietary requirements help eg they may cook chicken plain without oil if it’s explained as a health need. Being vegan or gluten free may also give her different options to buffet.
If she needs to know cals there may be packaged foods - yoghurt is often in pots.
I’d stress you don’t care if she eats at buffet or not. It’s only 2 meals a day, she could easily miss breakfast.
Are there any fast food restaurants nearby she eats and knows cals of.

Can she take some of her own foods , ie cereal pre measured
in bags.

It’s really difficult because you don’t want to ‘teach’ her new ED behaviours… but I think finding ways to manage the food so she can go on holiday will be really important for you both.

Honestly, I think doing a lap around a buffet is stressful for people with normal anxiety, let alone anxiety around food. I can completely understand OPs DD. She will likely end up standing in front of a counter trying to figure out how they cooked it, how much of anything is in it. It's an absolute nightmare and she'll probably end up eating less than she would have if the portion was portioned out into exact calories.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/support-someone-else/tips-for-supporting-somebody-with-an-eating-disorder/

It depends on the person. The lap of the buffet is a legitimate technique that some people find helpful. Knowing what’s there without any pressure to take food, then taking time to decide what to have.

Others find it easier when all choice is removed and being presented with a pre-portioned meal is easier to cope with.

It completely depends on OP’s dd and what she finds easiest to manage.

For a week holiday just look at surviving and stress to her you aren’t judging. My 17 yr old has food issues inc sensory.
In hotel with buffet breakfast abroad we had breakfast and she got ready at her leisure and joined us later having a pot of yoghurt and an apple. In uk hotel she’ll do same plus those little boxes of cereal (you could take those in your bag)

We had a very similar situation, though my daughter was younger. I got the weekly menu emailed over from the place were staying (all inclusive) and she could immediately see that she could have her normal breakfast, including the damn oat milk, and I sorted out the rest for her. I tried to get her to sit down and I'd bring her stuff as she'd get overwhelmed otherwise.

The following year we went to a similar but different place, she had a panic the night before and said she didn't want to go. I said we could always come back at any moment and I meant it. As it was, it proved to be a turning point in her illness. She ate freely, had a ball, made friends and has been pretty much recovered ever since.

Hadley Freeman's book about her eating disorder stresses that key to (her) recovery is trying to keep the flames of the real, non-anorexic world alive. Either through friends or siblings or by pushing them into it. The doctor we were seeing said we shouldn't go on holiday but we didn't want to let her siblings down and I now think we were right to go. Even if they don't enjoy the real non-anorexic world, the fact that they can see it gives them something to recover for.

I feel for you, op.
I think it would be beneficial for you both to try to figure out a way that you can go on the holiday and not just cancel. Cancelling gives power to the ed. Think about foods that are likely to be available there eg fruit (apple and watermelon will almost definitely be on the menu) and anything non perishable that you can bring. Work out meal plans before you go and reassure your dd that she can eat in your room.
I really hope you manage to go.

Ah, didn't think of that. I always do a lap to see what's what (bit picky about how things are cooked) but I can imagine it may be difficult for someone with anxiety/issues around food/ED's.

My DD insists we bring our own bowl, spoon and as much Weetabix as we can fit in the luggage, then at least she has control over her breakfast and can eat in room. We can usually buy more Weetabix in resort supermarkets and if there’s a fridge in room, we keep milk or I go out early each day and get small container of milk. She has now added Quaker Porridge To Go bars as an emergency travel food item.

Would there be any little things you could do similarly that would help her? Pre-measure cereal into food storage bags and bring with, for example? We bring a melamine bowl so not heavy.

For sure. I assumed it's stressing out OPs DD based on her posts though.

I don't have a history of any ED but I do have anxiety and depression, I was once placed in a psychiatric hospital because my depression was so severe.

My heart goes out to her, and to you too and what a fab, kind and wonderful Mum you seem.

I don't know what the answer to this is but I just wanted to wish you both all the best.

She won't see it now but life has a funny way of turning around and I'm married with a baby now, my depression is under control with one tablet a day and I can remember the last time I had a panic attack. MH is truly a complex, nasty illness.

Thats what I thought @FatGirlSwim no pressure to put something on a plate. I suppose everyone is different.

Can you make a plate for her and she must eat that. And no more. Or less? That is kind of control...

Mine can’t deal with sights/smells of some foods (sensory issues) so buffet not good as it’s just overwhelming even if safe foods there.
I’m sure most resorts would do plain grilled chicken brought over for dietary reasons or similar.

Tough for your poor DD, and by the sounds of it very early on in terms of therapy/treatment.

I think I would take a suitcase packed full of safe foods for her - assuming there’s a kettle in your room, would she have cup a soups or noodles? Apologies if those options aren’t appropriate. I think I would aim to take enough stuff that she wouldn’t have to go to the buffet.

And I would be hoping that perhaps she may join me at the buffet - even if she just eats a bread roll or a piece of fruit.

@Lesssugarketchup

Yes, I am a parent.

Guessing you're not?

I would try to persuade her to go on the holiday, involve her in any plans you make for when you’re there. A break may do her MH good, does she have a MH nurse that you could talk to together. Discuss ways she could cope with her ED while you’re there, I’m sure you’ve done this already, I hope you manage to sort things out.

I have been in the grips of a severe eating disorder and little things can be quite overwhelming.

Ideas to try: safe, measured out foods to have before or after the buffet if nothing safe is available. Bananas for example have the same calorific amount whichever country you’re in. This is the same for most fruits and vegetables not in syrup/sauces. Pre packaged food like yoghurt. Sliced bread is usually a pre determined amount, pita etc.

could you write a list of calorific amounts for foods that could/should be there and she can then quickly and easily pick from a predetermined list that she could take down to the buffet with her, or as a pp mentioned give you a list of options. There is so much more to the holiday than food.

does she like to offset her food? Maybe also write a list of calorific amounts burned by exercise. Half an hour in the pool is x amount, walking and seeing sights is x amount. The food is such an unimportant part. Alternatively you could eat out. It’s obviously more expensive but even Greece will have outlets like macdonalds which have the calorific value of each item.

That isn't necessarily true. This is a pre-existing condition, so the OP would ahve had to declare it (as it is a risk) and would need specific insurance to cover it. Hopefully the OP did declare it - but given that increases the cost of insurance (often by a lot of money) many people don't. The insurers will ask the doctor for the medical history and wheter this was a pre-existing condition, and if it wasn't declared then they won't pay out. Even if it was declared, the specific conditions may not pay out based on choosing not to go (for whatever reason) rather than being prevented from going. It's no different from any other medical condition - and I have pre-existing condition insurance. If I choose not to go because I will struggle with aspects of the trip, then that isn't covered except in very specific circumstances (usually serious deterioration of the condition declared to the extent that travel is not possible, or a new condition).

I’ve limited experience if ED but am very used to ASD kids etc and they can be food limiting and easily overwhelmed so these are things I’ve used with my DC that you might find useful.

find out if there’s an easy access local supermarket or market where, for example, she could easily get some ready to eat food such as yoghurt and fruit that she does have control over too. That will all be labelled and less overwhelming.

so if the buffet is too overwhelming you have a plan B.

also see if you can both work out a small list of possible things to eat that are likely to be in the buffet that if she can’t face it you can pick her up some items such as fruit like bananas and apples or any items that are prepackaged that she can easily figure out the calorie count.

oh and get yourself a translation app on your phone (one that can translate text from via camera) so you can quickly translate the calorie information on packages where appropriate

Is it a UK holiday ? I ask because there was a new law last year whereby calorie count HAS to be stated. https://www.gov.uk/government/news/calorie-labelling-on-menus-to-be-introduced-in-cafes-restaurants-and-takeaways
If you can get the buffet menu in advance as suggested above, it should have this info on, which hopefully will make things easier.

Could she either take a measuring thing (such as cup measurers) or even a tiny scale? Or pick up things from a shop if the buffet is a nightmare for her?

I mean...

Literally the first line of the op