DD wants to back out of paid holiday

[Wildmoors]

We are due to go to Greece next Wednesday.
My DD who has issues with an eating disorder and self esteem, (she is having therapy for this) and is now saying she doesn’t want to go because of her MH.
It was a holiday we planned together. Just the two of us
She is 18. I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving her because of where she’s at. Don’t know what to do

What a terrible post. Horrible. No understanding of mental health in young people. My 17 year old dd self harms. I’d never ever leave her for an extended period whilst her mental health was bad.

Do you have teens?

It is half board so perhaps reassure her that for breakfast there is usually things like eggs and fruit, which is can find the nutritional/calorific information online.

Tell her there is no pressure to go to the buffet at lunch or in the evening.

Look for the nearest grocery store/food market as a back up plan for lunches and dinners. Pack some Tupperware and a plate/forks. If you are checking in a suitcase, a fold up swizz army knife can work for food prep. She could prepare her own food in the room if it is too much for her - a "room picnic".

Even without full SC facilities, you could manage basic stuff like salad/bread/crisps/veggies and ready to eat protein sources.

Take things like dried couscous/noodles/pasta pots from home that you can make with just water and a kettle. Or if your budget stretches, the brand SUMMIT do freeze dried meals that you just add water to. Balanced meals with the full nutritional content displayed. You will find them in places like Millets or other outdoors shops.

Once she is there, she might be able to cope. But the fear of the unknown when having an ED can be crippling.

She does have safe foods so will suggest that and there is a supermarket near by, she’s happy to eat any kind of fruit so can buy there. The anxiety is def heightened because the suitcase is out . She eats porridge for breakfast with water so could pack that too. I’ve also seen some photos of the buffet on trip advisor I will show her
I agree that the ED shouldn’t sabotage the holiday and I’m crossing everything that if we put safe measures in place she can face it more.
She isn’t in now so will chat with her later but these are really valuable tips that you have all shared.

a) the OP very clearly states it's in Greece

b) that legislation only applies to larger places (over 250 employees), there's no requirement for a hotel which isn't part of a chain to display calorific information for its buffet. They are 'encouraged' to do so but it's not a legal requirement.

Well the good thing is it's Greece. There will be tonnes of food choices that will fall into the "healthy" category in her thought process. Take some digital scales and measuring cups, so she has control over portions. Take some of her own cereal, and other dry food she's comfortable with, so she's at least got that while she settles in. There will be fruit and salad in a breakfast buffet as well. Most European countries are very good on providing allergen alternatives that she may perceive as healthier. Would she feel comfortable looking at some typical Greek meals in advance, so she knows what to expect and how to judge a portion she's comfortable with? I do feel sorry for you both, dealing with a child with issues around food is so hard, especially when travelling, but you can do this. Even if she lives off cereal for a week, it's not the end of the world if she is enjoying being on holiday and not shutting herself away from the world.

OP most importantly I would reiterate to her that you can go home anytime. Just try it. That normally helps the most as it's the feeling of being stuck somewhere far that most often freaks them out.

With mine saying just take protein bars takes pressure off. Then anything she eats is a bonus.
If it’s a family resort it might have a children’s buffet with guaranteed nuggets etc if that’s her preference.

She's her 18 year old daughter. I wouldn't class that as an adult. They're still v vulnerable at that age.

I wouldn't jet off and leave a vulnerable child, whatever their age

If you are comfortable sharing resort maybe some people have been or if it’s a hotel chain know what is typically offered.
Knowing there’s a McDonald’s or similar if she eats that one mile away may also be reassuring.

I thought this would be it (I have had an ED)... I can imagine she is feeling panicky but could her therapist help her make a plan. Or could she articulate a plan around food that she could manage?

I also found it embarrassing eating in public when I was very thin as I knew people were scrutinizing/judging me ... Maybe some gentle questions to see if eating in her room would help?

As someone who had anorexia at exactly that age, a buffet would have been too scary. That said, it was the love and support from my mum that got me through it. I would suggest scrapping the buffet and supporting her with eating her way, but encouraging nutrition. If he believes she will have control then she is more likely to come. For what it is worth, I found that I was happy to do things like drink full fat milk when trying to heal because I felt that I could easily switch to lower fat once I had put on weight. That way, I felt in control, whereas eating massive meals would have been frightening.

Greece is one of the best countries for following a vegan diet, because there's so many periods of fasting in the Orthodox calendar when meat, fish and dairy are all off the menu. So Greek people have traditionally been very inventive with recipes heavy on fruit & veg (and carbs, which she might be less keen on), to avoid months of dull food. Plus they grow a lot of fruit and at this time of year there's loads of choice. I understand that she'll still need a lot of support, but there should be some options available that would suit her. For breakfast in particular, there should be a lot of fruit available. If there's no fruit salad on offer without yoghurt, you might have to say that she's lactose intolerant. You could also say 'nistevi' (νηστεύει, if you read Greek), which means 'she is fasting'. They will understand that someone who is fasting can eat a limited range of foods.

Can you bring the food measuring utensils with you?

Cancel, swallow your pride and support her, but the consequence is that you've lost her trust in future holidays together. Plan next years without her and make it obvious, without being patroning. MH or not it's a good.life lesson to learn.

Porridge and fruit is great. Take sachets or measured bags so she knows she has got those. They will have hot water for tea. If that’s all she wants to have she’ll be fine.
Mine worries about spoiling the holiday. Trying to explain you don’t mind what she has and not commenting or fussing works best for us.

I have just been on holiday and got chatting to a woman with a severe eating disorder, she was holidaying alone as part of her recovery. She was eating from the buffet and measuring out all her meals. She sat in the corner of the restaurant for each meal and no one paid her any mind at all. She was having a great time!

Also reassure her re plane eg she doesn’t have to eat meal, can refuse it.

Jesus. I don't think I've ever read a more callous or misinformed post on here. And that's saying something.

I am so glad for you @JulieHoney that you have clearly never had to face a situation like this. Maybe try using a bit of imagination, though, or empathy? If you have any.

OP's daughter has reached 18 through a fucking pandemic, had her schooling disrupted, her social connections disrupted, her whole development disrupted. Fucking cop on, would you?

OP, you've had some brilliant advice on this thread. I am a parent of a teen with anxiety, and sometimes gentle cajoling works, or coping strategies work, and sometimes they don't. You are trying to do the best for your child, and you should be commended for that.

Most places I have stayed with buffets have had really good salad options. I know it’s not ideal but usually I eat more salad and fruit away than at home because it’s prepped and it’s right there. The photos sadly probably focus on the more indulgent (because for most of its a treat) but I’d be hopeful they’d have food she would be ok with.

it’s such a shame for both of you, I’d take scales if it will help her feel in control, bring her plates to her so she doesn’t need to visit the buffet, etc. I hope she can manage and you both get to relax.

You simply need to remove all anxiety surrounding food. Agree to purchase fruit to prepare in the room, let her live off instant noodles or dairylea lunchables all week if that’s what she needs to do ( throwing in examples of someone I know with an issue who did exactly this) Don’t make her sit with you for meals either if she’d rather not. You can probably agree to all this and find that once she’s there she’ll naturally soften a bit and might choose to join you and pick at the buffet food once the pressures off. Make whatever promises you need to make and just focus on the important bits of the holiday and making memories.

Another thing to look at are if there are smaller dining areas or just one big buffet dining room. In one big room being seated in a corner away from buffet may help
We went to a grab and go type room rather than full breakfast in a hotel recently and that was good for my dc, at another hotel the yoghurt/fruit was totally separate area to cooked breakfast food so she was willing to try it.

Consider saying.. don't worry my dear.. we will cancel and you and I will do whatever you want. Start from a position of zero.. see how she feels. If she moves towards doing anything that is other than staying at home and watching movies and learning how to crochet together, great.. if not.. enjoy the movies and crochet.

Would you be able to take some dehydrated camping type meals with you? Then she knows that she always has a safe option and she can supplement with fruit and salads from the buffet or supermarket.

This kind of thing: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Pack-Wayfayrer-Food-Expedition-Vegetable/dp/B06ZZC2T3M/ref=mp_s_a_1_3_mod_primary_new?crid=1B0R4FP3PTCGS&keywords=camping+meals+dehydrated&qid=1688142751&sbo=RZvfv%2F%2FHxDF%2BO5021pAnSA%3D%3D&sprefix=camping+meals%2Caps%2C149&sr=8-3

Most hotels have a Facebook page. See if you can find it. People post lots of photos of the buffets so you can see what's likely to be there and ask questions about the food.
If you can reassure your daughter that safe food is available and it must certainly will be hopefully she'll be less worried.
There's always fruit and salad. There will be plain good too possibly aimed at children with no sauces etc.
also maybe if you got her food after deciding what she wants then walking around the buffet won't be hard work if she just gets her plate given to her.

Err no. What a cruel response to a mental health