In despair about DD and work

[Sworntofun]

DD 20 is really worrying me. Home from uni and cannot find a job for the summer. She has tried agencies and has applied for a fair few jobs ( and there aren’t many seasonal jobs round here). However she has almost no experience in anything as for 3 years she has refused to get a job - out of fear. When she was 16 she had started a little Saturday job in a boutique in town but didn’t last longer than a month as a vile woman came in one day to complain and really singled out my dd after which she had a panic attack and wouldn’t go back. This has really coloured her attitude to work and knocked her confidence such that she has refused to apply for any public facing work eg no bar, cafe, hospitality. We are now nearly into July and still no prospect of anything. She is sitting alone at home as all her friends are working getting seriously depressed. She has even applied for volunteering but nothing again. Very worried as she will be 21 soon and who the hell will employ her? She is intelligent, kind and not lacking confidence in other areas of life eg lives independently at uni in a flat with friends 4 hours from home. Just baffled and v worried about how to get her started in work! Help!

Does she drive?

My son isn't great with people but he works all the holidays for Domino's. Now they're cashless it's literally hand the pizza over and back to the car - minimal customer interaction 😀

If no driving license aim for supermarket picking or replenishment jobs - hard work but at least generally away from the customers.

Good luck!

My 20 year old is the same. He already has a diagnosis of innatentive ADHD and dyspraxia and his confidence is shot to pieces. He is not a “people person” and would hugely struggle in a customer facing role in hospitality or retail. I think volunteering is really the only option for him at the moment.

All these people recommending working in charity shops and animal parks I’m sure mean well, but if she is 2nd or 3rd year of an arts degree she really needs to be getting some relevant work experience. I’m sure that’s what a lot of her classmates are doing and they will be making contacts and first in line when the job openings come up.

maybe she should go back to her flat in her uni city and look for something there?

I think you’re daughter should be doing some work to improve her resilience.

Yeah it’s hard when people are dicks at work but shit happens and you have to shake yourself off and crack on.

Could she do some counselling perhaps or career coaching!

Could she volunteer in anything fabric related? So local theatre although most will be "going dark" soon so she needs to get her skates on, any bridal shops or fabric shops? Museums? Sometimes some have clothing sections. She doesn't necessarily need to out front public facing there are lots of stockroom and admin things she could do but at least it would be something to put on her CV later.

Ds is 20, covid stopped him learning to drive at 17 but he manged to do last year and a massive lack of jobs available to uni students who would be leaving the town. Ds does have a summer internship and will be getting paid however he has funds left over from the year as he is not a big spender so he funds himself. He also has birthday money too. We do provide food when he is here so for everyone saying how does she buy clothes, maybe she doesn't want to buy clothes or make up or any stereotyping thing applied to girls.

My DD has just finished her first year of uni and is home for the summer, she's never had a job (many hours of dance training made it hard!)
This week she's got herself 3 temp jobs, 2 in hospitality through 2 agencies and a week's work manning a clearing line for a university (not the one she attends)

She has anxiety issues and this year being away from home has been really difficult for her, she's taking medication for the anxiety but she's had to bite the bullet and is now feeling that this will help with her issues, pushing herself out her comfort zone.

She needs to just get out there, if she won't apply for anything customer facing she's really limiting her options.

My apologies I somehow missed that you said she was doing costume design

Thats a fiercely competitive industry. Has she joined all the industry Facebook groups, looked for runner positions, entry level tv and film jobs? Contacted any designers she admires for internships or casual work?

Screenskills website will have some info that might be helpful.

but really she needs to be using all her skills to get that foot in the door. Because it’s all about who you know and what you’ve done so far.

Agreed! My DD has been doing a paid summer internship in her arts subject, which she found via her university's own employment agency. Is there something similar at OP's DD's uni?

I haven’t read the full thread yet so not sure if this has already been suggested, but I would look at pot washing in a restaurant/pub. Not customer facing at all, easy work so not anxiety inducing. There will be lots of staff the same age, and as she gets more comfortable she may get bored of washing up and pick up some front of house shifts. As well as washing up, eventually pot washers/kitchen porters tend to be given easy food prep to do (portioning things up, peeling veg etc) and if she wanted to she could work her way up and become a chef which could be good if you are worried about jobs after uni. If nothing else, it’s an easy job, usually lots of different shifts going, plenty of hours if they want them, and could be a good foot in the door to lead onto customer facing roles/build confidence being around new people at work etc. At some places KP’s have headphones in and listen to music/podcasts, it can be quite soothing! Best of luck OP, it’s tough. I was very socially anxious and hospitality was the making of me when I was younger. I did have to be basically forced to go to my trial shift! I would also say ‘popping in’ places and asking about jobs tends to get the best results for those kind of jobs - applying online/sending in a CV tends to delay things. She could probably walk into a pot washing job by the end of the week and be on weekly pay.

Lots of good advice here already so I'll just chip in to say that telly and theatre are both insanely over subscribed at entry level. I thought I understood that as a graduate, as my uni course had been very competitive to get onto, but I had no idea. Each job can easily get hundreds of applicants within an hour of being posted. That isn't to scare her off at all, but to stress that finding non industry work isn't just going to be a problem now, it's likely to be a part of her life for a good few years to come as she builds a career. There is a Facebook group for telly industry Runners with close to 100,000 members and one topic of discussion that crops up a lot is what people do for work when they aren't in telly work.

😂😂

To the people asking how she funds herself at uni, well she has a student loan like everyone else which doesn’t cover even half her rent so I help pay that and a bit more to survive. I’m not alone in that, anyone who has uni age students and can afford to supplements the student income. That is more the norm than not. I do not feel I am bankrolling her. She has not been given any money at all since coming back from uni but as she’s v busy there she still has a bit left over from the term. Not that that’s anyone’s business.
Yes she can drive but can only use the car if I don’t need it.
She has volunteered for a bit for my boss (I work in a museum) mending and making costumes. But this has dried up now. She has worked on a couple of student productions at uni and made perhaps one or two contacts but it’s all a bit tenuous.

@gelatogina no I get it I really do. I’m taking on board things people say whatever their point of view. But sometimes there’s nothing to say as I tried tough love and not ´allowing’ her not to work last summer and it just ended up with her getting v anxious and tearful and dh saying to back off. So I can’t win. This is why I think there may be an ASD element to all of this. But neither dd or dh will entertain the idea so I can’t do anything about it.
@Brinner and others who comment on the ridiculous competitiveness of working in theatre it tv, yes I know. This is why I’m so concerned. If she doesn’t toughen up she’ll get nowhere in that industry. Interestingly there were a couple of factory sewing jobs locally. Applied but you needed 1-2 years experience….
@Calmdown14 I think you’re right about not overdoing the CV and having different versions of it perhaps depending on what you’re applying for.
Think she’ll have to try the volunteer route again.

I could walk into any one of the small towns local to me and get a job in a coffee shop today. There are so many vacancies! Surely she can get something?! The Indeed app is a good place to start.

If she's worked on a couple of student productions that's great, at least she's doing something.

Dd2 has a thriving crochet business on etsy if your dd can crochet granny squares and sew them into dresses she's away!!

If she is not already hunting down opportunities via contacts, her uni, Facebook groups, screenskills, local theatres/studios etc. then she is not going to get anywhere once she graduates. She will be sat at home just like she is now.
Surely she understands this is how her chosen industry works? What’s her plan?

@Newmum110 it sucks doesn’t it? I’m so sorry your child has applied for over 50 jobs and no luck. Keep going, hopefully something will happen soon. Feels good to know I’m not alone in this. Good luck

@Brinner I hope you’re right. She’s going to walk round local area today looking for jobs. I don’t know where you live but round here in the grim north 🤣( just kidding, I love it!) there really aren’t that many opportunities even in cafes etc. Three cafes have closed down locally in the last couple of months- cost of living crisis. She’s applied for tons on Indeed already. Really pleased for your dd with the crochet business. that’s great!
@Cinnamope yes it’s really important to do that- not convinced she’s doing as much as she could..

@Belmondo @Verystressedsenmum @ArseInTheCoOpWindow thank you for your reassuring contributions that have made me feel a bit better.

OP, she’s old enough now to read up on and understand the mechanisms of anxiety. Avoiding the thing that makes you scared makes it much worse - it teaches your brain that the thing is indeed scary and you’re only safe if you avoid it. (Google anxiety and avoidance).

She should take a CBT approach to this - lots of tools on line. Identify the feeling, the thought or assumption attached to it (someone will shout at me and I won’t cope), the reality (no one shouted, or someone did and I told my boss and it was fine), and some coping strategies.

practical action.

Can she not work in a charity shop.
I work in one and there are young people looking for paid work. I presume it looks good on their CV to say they are working voluntarily.
And it's assumed if something better comes along for them they will leave.

Are there any jobs going at her University Library? Our's used to have part time evening and weekend positions and the pay was decent as well. Lots of shelving books and minimal interaction with people as it was all self service! If she has good English skills, she may be able to find work proof reading international student's dissertations. I just put a notice up on the computer room's notice board and got quite a bit of work sent my way by a lady who ran a proof reading service, but needed some extra help.

@Rainallnight and other posters who mention CBT, she has had this in the past and yes she should have some coping strategies from this. She is diagnosed as having anxiety but refuses to take medication. The CBT was meant to help. I still think she has ASD as reading up on this I meant that girls are very likely to be misdiagnosed with anxiety as they don’t present in the classic way. DD is very bright and I think oven masks her feelings of being uncomfortable. She’s often exhausted by social interaction so this is why I think this.

@Caradonna yes we are trying charity shops but have already been knocked back from one. Hoping today goes well!

She’s had an extreme reaction to an unpleasant situation. That can’t be allowed to stand. Her world will get smaller and smaller if she runs away from all discomfort and difficulty. She can’t be allowed to learn that avoidance is how one manages difficulty.

I would look into some sort of mental health support, a book, a course, counselling, to challenge and address that. It’s really going to hold her back throughout her whole life if she continues to think like this.

And maybe volunteering in a public facing role to expose her to her fear. That’s the only way to get through it.

When my daughter was looking for part time jobs when she was at college, she was applying for loads every single day. Every supermarket, cleaning, hotel job going. They get so many applications for every job so it really is a numbers game. If you are covering all her expenses she wont really have motivation to work. To be honest I don't know anyone who doesn't work during term time at uni either apart from those who are maybe doing something like medicine.
Once she has an cv and cover letter she can just up load it to somewhere like indeed then apply for anything as soon as it goes on.

As she is doing an arts degree is there any chance that she could

• work with local school to assist on adult classes on art, pottery etc
• work in an art gallery or museum
• sell her artwork on Redbubble

Honestly my daughter was probably applying for at least 20-50 per week it really is a numbers game. It can be really disheartening process. All the cafe and shop jobs seemed a lot more competitive, cleaning and hotel jobs not so much.

Is she a good swimmer? My son is not 18 til the end of August so he is getting knocked back from many pub jobs so I am looking into him getting a lifeguard qualification it’s £300.00.