In despair about DD and work

[Sworntofun]

DD 20 is really worrying me. Home from uni and cannot find a job for the summer. She has tried agencies and has applied for a fair few jobs ( and there aren’t many seasonal jobs round here). However she has almost no experience in anything as for 3 years she has refused to get a job - out of fear. When she was 16 she had started a little Saturday job in a boutique in town but didn’t last longer than a month as a vile woman came in one day to complain and really singled out my dd after which she had a panic attack and wouldn’t go back. This has really coloured her attitude to work and knocked her confidence such that she has refused to apply for any public facing work eg no bar, cafe, hospitality. We are now nearly into July and still no prospect of anything. She is sitting alone at home as all her friends are working getting seriously depressed. She has even applied for volunteering but nothing again. Very worried as she will be 21 soon and who the hell will employ her? She is intelligent, kind and not lacking confidence in other areas of life eg lives independently at uni in a flat with friends 4 hours from home. Just baffled and v worried about how to get her started in work! Help!

My DD was like this too. Lost every PT summer job she had. No confidence and fear of asking for help. She got a job in a small kiosk by herself, so no one to criticise her. Luckily never got horrible customers. I told her that even if she did , it is not her fault, she can go on with her day but they obviously had some problems.
On another note - why are people so shitty to staff , especially young kids ? It makes me so upset to think that some foul creep can cause a young person to think they are useless. Wonder how these people would like it if someone spoke to their daughter, sister , nephew or brother like that. I always call it out if I see it.

Oddly enough I had a conversation with my daughter today about changes in the workplace. She works for an organisation that specialises in helping people into work, so the conversation was not as odd as it may sound.

she said that 70% of employers choose employees via word of mouth. I commented that hadn't changed much as when she was at university, (30 years ago) I rang a fellow manager to ask if they needed any casual staff to cover the summer break. She got that job and worked the full summer holidays. After that, it was a case of, first manager to contact me about daughter's availability during all university holidays, got her.

So @Sworntofun do you know anyone in an industry where the work may suit your child? If so, I'd suggest contacting them on her behalf, as long as your child is as willing as mine was.

Do you have a McDonalds near you? They take on people who have no experience if work so would be a perfect place to apply.

Some customers are arseholes but even my DS who is very socially anxious is ok with it because the team are pretty supportive

Babysitting, dog walking, carer in nursing home, call centre, supermarket/shopping picker, social media assistant/content provider.
I'm school I used to clean offices and do apple picking, both really quiet non social jobs.

I do not think you are helping the situation. 'She had a little job at 16'. No, she was paid to do a job of work, had a difficult experience and refused to go back. Too late now but that was the point to say - ' go back next week'. Like others have said there are jobs, she needs to actively start looking tomorrow - whether customer facing or not.

This is the truth! you are only enabling her…

This isn't just holding her back this summer. Without any work experience she will struggle when she tries to get a graduate job. She'll have nothing to talk about or reference.

She needs to bite the bullet and walk into a few places and ask about work. Target the small places that don't have head offices or the like for recruitment. If she's got nothing to write on a CV then demonstrating she is friendly and personable will help.

It's not great. No one wants to do it but as soon as you've done it a couple of times it gets easier.

I'm a really gentle parent but I do think this is the answer! Young people often only do things when they are 'forced' to

Jesus! 21 and only ever worked a month in her life 😵. Even my 14 year old and all of his mates have part time jobs! She can’t let one bad experience hold her back for ever, how on earth is she finding herself?

@CalistoNoSolo not at all helpful. I have tried so hard to encourage her. There’s no ´allowing this’. What do you want me to do- frogmarch her down to somewhere and demand a job? If you’ve nothing supportive to say kindly keep your opinion to yourself.

You don't have any links at all? Or one of her friends could recommend her?

My first job was cleaning at the care home my mum worked at.
Second job my boyfriend gave me a reference.

It is so often word of mouth that gets you started.

Does she have a LinkedIn profile? Has she thought about interning or getting any sort of professional experience that can help her career? I mean, housekeeping and shelf stacking are grand, but she should think medium term too.

Thanks to the supportive people. I do realise all the things you mention about not having any future after her degree if not work experience. She does have a little experience refreshing an Air BnB and has also suggested housekeeping work. But she hasn’t found anything yet near enough to home. Trust me I’ve tried tough love but this didn’t work. I think she’s on the autistic spectrum tbh.
Throwing her out @user1471518104 !!! What a ludicrous suggestion ! I bet you’re a lovely parent 😳

I'm a few years behind but I think my DD will be very similar. I will probably get her started by doing some voluntary admin with me. What's her degree in? I possibly know some online volunteering she could do but it's fairly sciency

Jeez that’s a bit harsh

Uncalled for.

The OP is trying to address this - that’s why she posted.

So not helpful!
Perhaps you could let the OP know What jobs these 14 yr olds are doing? That might be a bit more constructive.

Very harsh replies on here.
The OP and her daughter will understand that this is far from ideal but this isn't laziness - there is obviously more going on in terms of anxiety - ASD is mentioned.
If you have never had a child that is like this you have no idea how simple it sounds to just cut off their money/do something about it/throw her out.
With some people this just pushes them further into themselves and further into depression or similar.
OP I wish you both luck.

It may be worth her pursuing an adult autism diagnosis if you suspect that, @Sworntofun as when she does get a job she may be able to get or may need accommodations for that diagnosis.

I do understand as I was a very shy anxious teenager; after my first short lived job in Sainsbury it took me until I was 19 to get a full time permanent job; and that was as an office administrator & receptionist in a small company.
Unfortunately I was extremely shy answering the phone so I was given a timescale to improve by or I was out.
So I practiced answering the phone at home and 'faked' the confidence.., then I actually cracked it and gained confidence for real!

I'm a healthcare assistant now and fine on my usual ward but often get redeployed to other wards with people I don't know so again I get very anxious and have to 'fake it to make it'...

I suggest your DD literally does this. She should try faking the confidence she needs until it comes along for real.. it really works.

I would also suggest she tries getting a job in a larger company with an established chain of command- if she's in a junior role there would always be someone higher she can hand over to.
There is less likely to be a good management structure in a small shop or business.

For example if a patient or relative is angry I refer them to the Clinical Leader of the ward.

DD is doing an arts degree and I think that puts people off when they see it on her CV. I wish people would stop saying I allow this. I came on here to get suggestions about how to move forward as I feel utterly stuck. I don’t need condemnation as I feel bad enough as it is thanks. Perhaps I do enable things as I pay her student rent but her course is very time demanding - think being in studios Mon- Fri 9-5 and then work in evenings and at weekends too. She really doesn’t have time to work at uni. I’m pretty pissed off she chose to pursue an arts course when she was v bright and got excellent A levels but that’s another thread.
Sorry you’re facing similar @bingobluey78 but I think you’re doing the right thing with volunteering.

Of course you're allowing it. If she doesn't work then how is she buying clothes, food, toiletries, nights out, travel.... DD is 18 and has had part time jobs since she was 14. She's had some shitty experiences but that's life, so I commiserate and encourage her to pick herself up and move on. What I don't do is continually fund her lifestyle. You have done your daughter a disservice here, particularly as she won't be competitive in a very competitive graduate job market.

I’m sorry she had this experience. To help her deal with people and to open up her opportunities in the future perhaps she could do an assertiveness training course which could actually help in relationships as well as employment. City Lit in London do an excellent online course throughout the year

@lookingforMolly thank you for your understanding. I think that fake it to make it approach is very helpful and I thank you for sharing your experiences. Sadly DD doesn’t believe she’s high functioning autistic so won’t pursue this in any way. It’s a shame because as you say employers may be more accommodating.

Thank you @Friendofdennis

Is there any way she could get a job related to her degree over the summer? What do her course mates do?

What’s her aim for after uni?