In despair about DD and work

[Sworntofun]

DD 20 is really worrying me. Home from uni and cannot find a job for the summer. She has tried agencies and has applied for a fair few jobs ( and there aren’t many seasonal jobs round here). However she has almost no experience in anything as for 3 years she has refused to get a job - out of fear. When she was 16 she had started a little Saturday job in a boutique in town but didn’t last longer than a month as a vile woman came in one day to complain and really singled out my dd after which she had a panic attack and wouldn’t go back. This has really coloured her attitude to work and knocked her confidence such that she has refused to apply for any public facing work eg no bar, cafe, hospitality. We are now nearly into July and still no prospect of anything. She is sitting alone at home as all her friends are working getting seriously depressed. She has even applied for volunteering but nothing again. Very worried as she will be 21 soon and who the hell will employ her? She is intelligent, kind and not lacking confidence in other areas of life eg lives independently at uni in a flat with friends 4 hours from home. Just baffled and v worried about how to get her started in work! Help!

Fair enough. Good for your dd.

I work at a university, lots of students have never worked so I really would ignore all the ‘my son and all his friends were working shifts down the mine when they were 4’ posters.

I have an anxious conflict avoider Dd. She is home from uni - has been for a month, and has been working as an exam invigilator at her old school. Has made her the money for her summer holidays and clothes etc. (Started the day she finished uni... Finishes tomorrow).

Other dd has the gift of he gab and is home from uni in a call centre for 6 weeks to make her holiday money.

Sometimes no customer facing needs doing, but she needs to think outside the box if she is going to limit her own options.

Our local park has art shows through the summer, year one - arty call centre dd volunteered to help out and made many contacts. She then did some council kids clubs doing arts and crafts in year2.

If she’s doing an arts degree then I think that’s even more reason for encouraging her out of her comfort zone tbh. The arts as professions are incredibly competitive and full of people desperate to get an “in” and then to get to the top, many of whom will willingly trample over others in their way to get there. There are going to be so many points along the way of her professional journey where people will be less than kind and won’t mince their words. Being a shrinking violet who gets discouraged every time somebody is rude or says something upsetting is really going to hold her back. Does she have a pastoral officer at university? Somebody who can help her with confidence boosting and self esteem?

My kids don't like customer facing roles. One works with kids with SEN - after school and holidays. The others work nights in supermarkets, doing online order packing.

These are their first jobs, the supermarkets only wanted to know if they could work in the UK, didn't ask for references etc.

It's really not that weird not to have a job while at uni. Is she applying for graduate schemes at all?

Beond that - what others have said. If she's DBS checked there might be holiday club playworker jobs going.

I agree. The only way she will learn to deal with negative experiences is by having them, and the more she has the better she will get. We've all gone through it - it doesn't have to be a customer either, other staff can also be vile, but she can't just hide away. I had a couple of unpleasant people at my work this week, water off a duck's back to me, and I used to be quiet and rather shy around people.

@SherlocksDeerstalker I’m genuinely sorry, I did not mean to offend and I’m really glad you earn over 100k, that’s amazing. ( I’m jealous!) But every single person I know with an arts degree has struggled financially and work wise to work in that area so you must be very talented indeed. I meant that with her results at A level she could have pursued a more lucrative subject with a better chance of consistent employment. But I let her follow her dreams in a very niche area, costume design. In times gone by she wouldn’t be doing a degree in it but that’s the only way in seemingly these days.

Thank you to all the constructive posters here, some great ideas and encouragement thank you. I haven’t got time to reply to all individually but it’s been v helpful. Lots of things, play schemes, office work, admin, supermarkets etc are being applied for. Perhaps it’s a numbers game and she’ll get lucky eventually. Hope so… Some posters asked our location We live in a small town in the north west.

Hi Op as soon as I read your post I thought she might be autistic. You later mention you think she is on the spectrum - I really can't recommend enough getting a diagnosis if it is possible for you. It will help her understand herself better and be realistic/ pragmatic about work choices.

If she is or even if she has similar traits - then customer facing may not be right for her.

Unfortunately op she needs to learn that there are people like that in the world and she just needs to think that person is probably having a bad day . I was the same younger burst into tears if someone shouted at me . Even today I’m in my mid 40s and someone was horrible and rude to me on the phone today but afterwards when I calmed down not upset just bloody fuming I reasoned she was probably getting hassle off her boss so took it out on me . You do grow a thicker skin you can’t just avoid anyone in case they are rude fuckers . Paint a smile on and say please don’t speak to me like that .
the job front check her cv / applications offer advice .
my dd was the same struggled and it was apply / apply apply .
mcdonalds fast food places / bar staff will be taking on even if it’s unsociable hours but beggars can’t be chooses it’s a start even for the summer . She will find something it’s effort that’s all . When she gets an interview confidence and a can do attitude will go a long way . Boost her confidence/ encouragement and help and advice where needed .good luck

Does she drive.

I have 3 children and only one worked whilst in their 2nd year at uni. The others didn’t work at all. The 2 older ones now have jobs and are earning well. My youngest is finishing uni on Monday and will hopefully find some paid work for the summer. Not having any work experience, was no problem for the older ones getting graduate jobs.

Crikey, there's a bit of a lack of empathy in some of these responses.

I had a schoolfriend who never worked as a teenager, whilst the rest of us did wall-to-wall waitressing/Saturday jobs. It was never really mentioned but she had some issues with panic attacks and was extremely nervous in new/unknown situations, and found it VERY awkward talking to anyone she didn't know. We went travelling in our late teens and she hardly spoke to a single person other than me the whole trip 😂 I was the opposite and would gab away to anyone, and had loads of summer/part-time jobs before and during university. Do you want to guess which one of us earns more now?! (It isn't bloody me!) She's perfectly articulate, happy, married with kids, still not a super extrovert person but she's absolutely fine, and not having a job before she graduated doesn't seem to have had a lasting effect. Best of luck OP - you're doing your best.

Can she volunteer at a local theatre if she's doing costume design? Clothing alteration etc Maybe think sideways, if she knows how to sew, she's got lots of options.

I understand the anxiety and you wanting to support her but really, this needs to be focused.

I don't fully understand why the course would be so demanding it's full days and night and weekends and spare time. I suspect that's on personal work? So get that going? FB page, Etsy? What's she waiting for. If that's what she wants to do forever , go for it.

If it's not, time for a chat about how to fund life, add teaching to course? But at 21 needs to push in one way or another.

I also earn over £100k in the arts.

it’s very insulting to insinuate that only people with crap exam results work in the arts. We aren’t all failures 😂

However…it’s extremely competitive and without confidence, experience and a strong work ethic your daughter is going to struggle so much to get anything.

what are her coursemates doing? Has she had any industry experience at all in her field? Made any contacts? She must have some idea of what she wants to do and how she wants to achieve it?

how is she funding her lifestyle right now?

I have already commented about one child but my other DD is awaiting an autism diagnosis and has also been working from the age of 16. She is now 21. She found it harder to get jobs but used connections (mostly her more confident younger sister) to get work. She worked for a while at an animal farm attraction place. She really enjoyed that one

Reading that she is in studios all day and then working evenings and weekends, is she doing some kind of music production course?

that involves a lot of human interaction with all kinds of people, now on earth can she cope with that and not with a job?

If your daughter can live away at University she can get a job. It seems she has been put off working by one bad experience - sadly working life is full of rejection and bad experiences. OP you are allowing her to hide behind 'anxiety' and are now looking for a diagnosis to help you understand why your daughter won't get a job. I will be called harsh but what are you going to do when she finishes university and doesn't walk into a job or someone isn't very nice to her at work....

SSRIs would likely sort out her anxiety - not sure if she understands she is anxious but if so I would encourage her to see the GP

You only seem to want to hear the supportive comments and not taking on board the tough love replies which are giving you another perspective. Which your daughter seems to have inherited also.

There are a lot of excuses here, you want someone to give you the magic reply of the perfect solution but really your daughter needs a massive reality check. She is 20 and capable of working, she won’t if you carry on paying for her and letting her evade having to get a job.

Aaaaannnnnddddd......you've still not answered the multiple posts about how her life is funded.

By you I'm guessing.

I have a relation who is a successful costume designer. It's a really full on job with lots of essential interaction between people and lots of diplomacy needed. And people in film and TV can be awful! You need a thick skin1

What about volunteering at a charity shop for a while , but in the back pricing stock, doing displays, the general tidying, putting things out. As she build some confidence she can try the till during less busy times.

Or can she volunteer for any summer clubs/camps to do some arty activities with children?

When applying for basic, temporary jobs it is possible to overdo the CV.

I started with covering letters and all my A grades. Got nowhere.
Just started to write 10 GCSEs and got further. Overdoing the academic side for a job that doesn't require it can create a negative rather than positive impression.

She just needs to big up the air b and b change over a bit for the skills it shows like time management, working independently, cleaning, following procedures etc.

Help her do a few different versions for retail, hospitality, care etc. It will be a good life lesson.

I soft graduate applications for work and often despair at what they fail to tell me on taking the experience they probably have and applying it to the job they have applied for. When you have 100 plus and a couple of minutes for each they need to spell it out.