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Original poster

Fear at being old mum

112 replies

Josiekitty · 27/06/2023 23:35

I had my daughter at 42 and she’s now 15. I feel so much older than her friends parents and I know she feels it too. I’m constantly obsessing over how she’s likely to lose me earlier than her friends lose their mum’s and I feel embarrassed that I’m old enough to be her grandmother. I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people and I’m getting paranoid about being close to retirement when I long to be 20 years younger

OP posts:
RosaCaramella · 28/06/2023 00:11

Hi, you aren’t much old than women who had children in their late 30s.

I’m 55 (nearly 56) and had my son at 41 (he’ll be 15 in a few months) and I honestly never think about being an older mum. Apart from the aches and pains of ageing, I still feel young.

Saying that, I have never really mingled much with my son’s friends’ parents as most non school socialising seems to be online.
Try not to worry too much about it. People can die at any age - best to just enjoy the now.

RosaCaramella · 28/06/2023 00:13

Just to add - I am already retired! Gives me more time to focus on my son - nothing to be embarrassed about.

daisydalrymple · 28/06/2023 00:37

I had dc3 at 43 (mmc 2 years previously). I do worry about being an older mum, but try my best to be young as just don’t want to age anyway! I just tell myself constantly, he wouldn’t be here at all if I hadn’t had him at the age I did. I’m sure he’d rather be here with a slightly older mum than never have lived at all.

Interested in this thread?

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Families
WTF475878237NC · 28/06/2023 19:47

I think about this too. I think about my children being (hopefully) in their 30s burying me and how awful that will feel compared to the average of older generations burying their parents at 50. Obviously people can say you never know how long you've got but the averages don't lie. And losing your mum at 20-35 when you have so many milestones and challenges to navigate still is such a different experience.

FayCarew · 28/06/2023 19:51

It depends on where you live. Some places have a high rate of teenage births, and other places have an average age of 38 for a first time birth.

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 19:54

My mum had me at 42 and died just after my 26th Birthday which made me determined not to be an older mother myself.

HanSB · 28/06/2023 20:01

I say this kindly that there is nothing you can do about your age. Obsessing about it is using up precious energy and time and doing you no good at all. Try to remember comparing yourself to others brings no happiness. Your daughter is 15 and it won't be long until she will be an adult with her own life. Spend as much time as possible being happy and content in each other's company. Look for your own joy that is not dependent on her too. Make the most of life, nobody knows how long we each have.

RudsyFarmer · 28/06/2023 20:05

Josiekitty · 27/06/2023 23:35

I had my daughter at 42 and she’s now 15. I feel so much older than her friends parents and I know she feels it too. I’m constantly obsessing over how she’s likely to lose me earlier than her friends lose their mum’s and I feel embarrassed that I’m old enough to be her grandmother. I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people and I’m getting paranoid about being close to retirement when I long to be 20 years younger

I had my youngest at 41 and I have to say I don’t feel like this at all. I wonder if it might be connected to hormones or a general lack of confidence.

Loub55 · 28/06/2023 20:08

I worry about this sometimes, but then think well there's nothing I can do about it now! I had mine at 36 and 40.

My own dad died when I was 39 so it does feel sad that they will be even younger probably.

thelinkisdead · 28/06/2023 20:14

We live in an affluent area and most of the parents around us are easily in their late 40s and 50s (my elder boy is 10), so having kids in your mid 30s to early 40s is the norm around here

SaveMeFromForearms · 28/06/2023 20:15

Seriously, you could live another 50 years.

LaLaRaRaRaa · 28/06/2023 21:28

I feel this too op. I know what you mean. Just sending you hugs. It’s hard but it’s good to talk about it. X

thaegumathteth · 28/06/2023 22:13

My parents were 40&42 when I was born. I was aware they were older but I had my dad until I was 35 and my mum is still going. I really don't think that it's the big thing you think it is. Especially now. My brother had no children until his 40s (wife same age).

I had kids in my 20s and am now physically disabled and feel embarrassed about that so everyone has their 'thing' that in reality is a bigger deal to them than everyone else

thaegumathteth · 28/06/2023 22:15

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 19:54

My mum had me at 42 and died just after my 26th Birthday which made me determined not to be an older mother myself.

I'm sorry you lost your mum but what do you think this adds to this conversation?

Ragwort · 28/06/2023 22:19

I had my DS at 42 and never felt it an issue, with age you get more confident... I've just spent a couple of days visiting my DS at Uni ... he doesn't seem to be embarrassed to be seen out with me, happy to introduce me to his friends etc (& last year I took my 90 year old mum to visit him as well Grin).
Please don't worry about it ... you can't change it, just enjoy your DD.

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 22:22

@thaegumathteth the title of the thread for a start 🙄
I'm just adding an opinion on the OP's fears of being an older mother as are others - my experience was not particularly positive. Life ain't a box of chocolates for everyone 🤷‍♂️

tigerlillyxxx · 28/06/2023 22:25

Josiekitty · 27/06/2023 23:35

I had my daughter at 42 and she’s now 15. I feel so much older than her friends parents and I know she feels it too. I’m constantly obsessing over how she’s likely to lose me earlier than her friends lose their mum’s and I feel embarrassed that I’m old enough to be her grandmother. I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people and I’m getting paranoid about being close to retirement when I long to be 20 years younger

You see I'm a young mum had my baby at 20 I turn 21 soon and I fear that I'll be one of them young mums that's takes my baby to nursery while all the older mums will be there judging me looking down on me and when it comes to parents evenings and his teachers are thinking their opinions about being young too but it's okay to have them thoughts it's not how old you are it's how old you feel inside your age doesn't define you your probably still beautiful and your age doesn't take away how good of a mum you are so fuck what anyone else thinks xoxo

thaegumathteth · 28/06/2023 22:29

@Flymetothetoon but you're commenting on someone who is worried about being an older mum and making it worse? She can't go back in time can she?

MeinKraft · 28/06/2023 22:30

Blimey this thread is terrifying.

stclair · 28/06/2023 22:33

My parents were 42 when I was born and they are still going strong at 92. I kept them young! They never seemed old to me growing up

squirrelsareeverywhere · 28/06/2023 22:33

It depends a lot on where you live, where I am you wouldn’t feel old at all! You’re probably only slightly above the average.

Gingerwright · 28/06/2023 22:34

The trouble is, your dd is a mix of egg and sperm which came together at that exact time. She never could have existed if you had had children earlier. In wishing you had, you and/or she are in reality wishing you'd swap her for another child.
I know that it isn't that logical. But it maybe helps to think that even if you had a time machine, conceiving her at any other time would have been impossible. You could both try to feel lucky that you had her when you did, or she literally wouldn't exist.
I know that doesn't really help with the worrying about old age part, but maybe it does with the embarrassment part.

tsmainsqueeze · 28/06/2023 22:42

tigerlillyxxx · 28/06/2023 22:25

You see I'm a young mum had my baby at 20 I turn 21 soon and I fear that I'll be one of them young mums that's takes my baby to nursery while all the older mums will be there judging me looking down on me and when it comes to parents evenings and his teachers are thinking their opinions about being young too but it's okay to have them thoughts it's not how old you are it's how old you feel inside your age doesn't define you your probably still beautiful and your age doesn't take away how good of a mum you are so fuck what anyone else thinks xoxo

Show quote history

tigerlillyxxx - Thankyou for your positivity ! i had my 3rd child at the age of 40 and still feel and look i hope! quite young but this thread is totally depressing.

StMarysTrainee · 28/06/2023 22:44

My father was 60 when I was born, my mother 35, they’d kind of presumed I’d at least have my mother even if I lost my father young. Sadly, my mother died when I was 5.
I adored my father, sometimes other kids would try to tease me by calling him my grandad but I truly didn’t care. He didn’t seem old to me at all, he was just my Dad. We were very outdoorsy and did a lot more than many of my school friends with much younger parents who just seemed to watch telly after school - we played badminton, sailed, etc.
Now, I’m an older Mum (40 when youngest born) but I’m far happier in myself than I was when younger and none of the kids, even the teens, seem embarrassed by me and my obsession with gardening and sensible shoes haha.

Just enjoy your loved ones for as long as you can, and think about what legacy you want to leave - I want to have made as many people as possible feel safe, so that’s what I do.

honeyfox · 28/06/2023 22:46

You can't predict the future. My mother had me at 24 and I lost her when she was 56, so there's no knowing what life will hold. I ended up being a support for my grandmother for the last ten years of her life as my mother was an only child. My gran lived to 90.

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