Fear at being old mum

[Josiekitty]

I had my daughter at 42 and she’s now 15. I feel so much older than her friends parents and I know she feels it too. I’m constantly obsessing over how she’s likely to lose me earlier than her friends lose their mum’s and I feel embarrassed that I’m old enough to be her grandmother. I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people and I’m getting paranoid about being close to retirement when I long to be 20 years younger

https://www.parents.com/news/giving-birth-later-in-life-could-mean-you-live-longer-according-to-a-new-study/
Interesting read

My father died when I was in my twenties (despite him having been a youthful 26 when I was born). I got over it.

My fiend’s parents had a bitter, awful, violent marriage. She is still emotionally affected by it at age 50.

Do not tell me what I can and can’t compare.

I honestly think it keeps you young, having children to look after.

@ChocChipHandbag so? What's that got to do with facts?
I never said people shouldn't have kids in their 40's. I said their are risks that are less prevalent in younger parents.

We all make our choices depending on the hand we are dealt

In what way?

Do not worry about getting old and certainly do not obsess about it! I am a grandmother and my DDs and their partners all treat me as though I am 21 - it is a bit of a challenge sometimes!

If you show that you are worried about this, then your DD will be. Just go with life's flow and be glad that you have a lovely young DD to keep you young. There are far worse things in this world to worry about.

@ChocChipHandbag , sorry for loss and your friends trauma.

The point remains that individual anecdotes don't make a full picture.
Just because you got over it doesn't mean someone else will same with divorce.

I had mine in my 40s. I didn't meet my husband til I was 39.
The people I knew as young adults that lost their parents who were in their 50s (one was 45), and my own husband died at 51.
So there's no telling how long you have. So rather then feeling embarrassed or whatever, lead your life fully.

What has what got to do with which facts? You’re making no sense.

Do you understand the context in which you are making these comments? This is a thread on which an older mother is anxious about having made the wrong decision. How exactly are you helping by going on smugly about how YOU chose to have children in your twenties because you wanted to mitigate the risk of dying when they were young adults? And then when I try to point out that OP perhaps can console herself with knowing that by waiting she perhaps lessened another risk- that of raising a child in an unhappy home- you bang on and on about how that is not nearly as bad as DEATH, the think that this poor OP is worrying about.

Have some empathy for goodness sake.

@ChocChipHandbag

I'm not being smug whatsoever!!!
You don't my story or background other than when in had my children, my youngest was also as older mum.

My empathy with the op is that a choice was made that was right at the time and she would have considered all this and it's worked out fine.
The discussion took a turn when people were discussing young and older parenthood which is what I was commenting on.

Yeah good job

“I’m sure you made the right decision for you at the time OP [sympathetic head tilt]. I mean, I was much cleverer than you and thought properly about the huge risks of dying when my child was a young adult- which is SO AWFUL by the way, like the MOST AWFUL thing that can happen and beyond comparison with anything else. But you are where you are hun, you’ll be fine”

@ChocChipHandbag ? WTF?

Not what I meant in at all.

Excuses the typos

My parents were 40 and 43 when they had me (surprise late baby). I was aware that they were older than my friends parents in school, but it wasn't really a problem - plus they were much more chilled out than some of the other parents. Lots of my friends would come hang out at my house. They were just good loving parents, it didn't matter when age they were - surely that's what matters really.

Also, now that my parents are are older and I'm dealing with their declining health, I'm in my late 30's and actually quite glad that I'm a bit younger and have the energy to deal with it, and not struggling with my own menopause at the same time, or having to worry about caring for them when I am much older myself.

My mother knows a woman she used to work with, who is in her early 70's and still helping to care for her own mother who is in her mid 90's. I would find that so hard.

*what age

My mother knows a woman she used to work with, who is in her early 70's and still helping to care for her own mother who is in her mid 90's. I would find that so hard.

Yes, that is exactly the position my MIL is in, with her mother who had her aged 19 and is now 90. MIL has found it all extremely hard going and I can see it taking a big toll on her mental health, so sad when she deserves to be enjoying her own later years.

@CoffeeLover90 30 is never to old to have a baby I'm 20 and I'd happily have a baby at 30 I think aslong as a woman is capable to get pregnant with eggs periods n a womb you body is perfectly still healthy and capable of having a baby regardless of you age your age is just a number and your worth so much more than just that xoxo

We have a long history of women giving birth in their 40s in my family. One grandmother had 3 and only stopped because her husband died. The other grandmother gave birth to my dad when she was 47 and lived to be 93. My mum died at the age of 47 when I was 11. The point is we none of us know how long we have, we often don't meet a man we want to have kids with when we are younger, we might have surprise babies.
Please try to set your worries to one side and enjoy the here and now.

I totally agree, I hope OP can start to think this way soon too. I can imagine how she feels, just from my experience and I'm younger. Only from others opinions.
One of my school friends was born when her mum was 45. Her siblings were up to 20 years older than her, we never looked at her mum differently. In fact as far as friends mum's go, she was brilliant. She always had cake when we visited, friend never felt it odd or lost out on anything. Both parents still alive and kicking.

Not helpful

Check your stats. It didn't used to be a typical age for a first baby, but women have been having babies in their 40s for a v long time.

I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people

OP don't stop this from you living your life. Why make yourself old before your time? Embrace the wonderful life experiences that will contribute to your motherhood. Keep yourself fit and healthy in mind and body.

Stop comparison - it's the thief of joy. You can't turn back the clock so wishing you could is a waste of energy you could spend on something else.

Also - the main risks of being an older mum are miscarriage and genetic abnormalities. Since your daughter is here and you don't mention any particular health challenges she's facing then give yourself a break.

Similar here. My mum had me in her early twenties. She died when I was in my mid 30s. Having kids young doesn't guarantee that you'll be around long into their midlife or beyond.

This is something you can't control, so stop wasting precious energy on thinking the worst.

Easier said than done, I get that.

@Josiekitty think of it this way ...do you regret having her? I bet the answer is no.

As another poster said, she would not exist if you have decided to have a baby earlier.