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Original poster

Fear at being old mum

112 replies

Josiekitty · 27/06/2023 23:35

I had my daughter at 42 and she’s now 15. I feel so much older than her friends parents and I know she feels it too. I’m constantly obsessing over how she’s likely to lose me earlier than her friends lose their mum’s and I feel embarrassed that I’m old enough to be her grandmother. I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people and I’m getting paranoid about being close to retirement when I long to be 20 years younger

OP posts:
JaneJeffer · 28/06/2023 22:48

Teenagers think everyone over 20 is ancient

ShatParp · 28/06/2023 22:49

daisydalrymple · 28/06/2023 00:37

I had dc3 at 43 (mmc 2 years previously). I do worry about being an older mum, but try my best to be young as just don’t want to age anyway! I just tell myself constantly, he wouldn’t be here at all if I hadn’t had him at the age I did. I’m sure he’d rather be here with a slightly older mum than never have lived at all.

I like this way of looking at it.
I completely sympathise OP as I had my youngest at 41 and I don't worry about being an older mum as such on a day to day level but I do worry about mortality but someone can have kids in their 20s and die at 30.
Death is rubbish at ANY age.
I find having things in place helps - affairs in order, friends who understand your fears and will help with your DC, etc.
You are so much more likely to be around for a long time yet than not!

GG1986 · 28/06/2023 22:49

I've just had my 2nd at 37. Honestly anyone can die at any age, my friends mum died when she was 10(mum was early 30s) and my other friends mum died when she was 32(mum was 60) try not to overthink this and just enjoy your time with your child.

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Inastatus · 28/06/2023 22:51

Gingerwright · 28/06/2023 22:34

The trouble is, your dd is a mix of egg and sperm which came together at that exact time. She never could have existed if you had had children earlier. In wishing you had, you and/or she are in reality wishing you'd swap her for another child.
I know that it isn't that logical. But it maybe helps to think that even if you had a time machine, conceiving her at any other time would have been impossible. You could both try to feel lucky that you had her when you did, or she literally wouldn't exist.
I know that doesn't really help with the worrying about old age part, but maybe it does with the embarrassment part.

@Gingerwright - I love this, it’s exactly how I see things.

Usedtobechilled · 28/06/2023 22:55

It's all luck of the draw really, my mum had me in her mid 20s so "youngish but I lost her when I was 23. I'm now 26 and both my grans are still with me (92 and 87).
Please don't waste life worrying about this, enjoy every moment. Age is a number afterall!
Top tip though, keep up to date with current trends without your daughter knowing so when she mentions something "popular" she'll think you're semi cool for knowing about it.

Usedtobechilled · 28/06/2023 22:56

Edit : im 36 🤦‍♀️

leling · 28/06/2023 23:02

I had my youngest at 42. I'm in an affluent part of London, so I'm a bit older than average at baby classes but not too much. I'm lucky that I'm told I look younger than I am but I am self conscious about it.

I don't feel old physically but I'm sure it will catch up with me by the teen years. I worry more about being much older and not being around/able when my dcs are my age (my own mum is only in her 60s and quite fit, but my DH's parents are in their 70s and unhealthy enough that we can't let them look after our toddler without us there - they literally can't keep up). I do have 3 dc so I guess at least they will have each other when I'm gone.

Mariposista · 28/06/2023 23:06

GG1986 · 28/06/2023 22:49

I've just had my 2nd at 37. Honestly anyone can die at any age, my friends mum died when she was 10(mum was early 30s) and my other friends mum died when she was 32(mum was 60) try not to overthink this and just enjoy your time with your child.

This. These people aren't losing parents to old age, more like cancer, heart attacks and other horrible diseases that can get you at any age.
My lovely gran died 3 months ago - 91. Yet the youngest of her cousins died shortly after her, and he was over 20 years younger.

neveradullmoment99 · 28/06/2023 23:09

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 19:54

My mum had me at 42 and died just after my 26th Birthday which made me determined not to be an older mother myself.

That's a helpful.comment🤨

Ireallydontwantto · 28/06/2023 23:20

Watching Glastonbury I couldn’t get over how amazing Jo Whiley looked. She’s ‘cool’ 😁she had her youngest when she was 43 , like a pp said age is just a number. My MIL numerically is 10 years younger than my aunt, my aunt looks and acts 10 years younger than her. My aunt it mid 70’s and can look after my dc no problem my MIL absolutely no chance.
I’ve had my 2 dc mid 30’s and would love a 3rd but not yet! And I toy with the age thing but if I can look after my body eat well, exercise and do my best with self care I’ll go for it!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/06/2023 00:05

There is so much you can do to reduce the chances of you being the mum who dies first. Excercise. Reduce drinking, quit smoking, lift weights, eat your greens, get a good social network, get enough sleep and pursue hobbies. These are all linked to a longer and better life. Focus on obsessing about doing these things rather than obsessive thinking

EmmaPaella · 29/06/2023 00:24

42 seems really normal to have a baby to me. And as a pp says teenagers think everyone is ancient. My good friend had a baby at the same time as me, at 41. Am five years younger and am rarely ever think of this and nor does she. She’s far cooler than me too.

Willowkins · 29/06/2023 00:36

I had my youngest at 44. She's 18. I'm 62. I am old enough to be her grandmother and it doesn't bother me. I work on staying healthy, I have a job that keeps me mentally active and we laugh about how things she takes for granted hadn't been invented when I was her age.

CharlotteRose90 · 29/06/2023 01:01

People can lose their mum or dad at any age. Doesn’t mean you have to have them young or old. My mum was 43 when she had me and we are now 33 and 76. She’s fitter and healthier than I am. Don’t worry about the negatives.

MumblesParty · 29/06/2023 01:09

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 19:54

My mum had me at 42 and died just after my 26th Birthday which made me determined not to be an older mother myself.

How did you magically make sure you met the right man and got pregnant exactly when you wanted to?

elifont · 29/06/2023 01:18

As women we are our own worst enemies. I stressed over being a young mum all the same problems and what people thought as much as this thread shows becoming a mum in 40s. It's pathetic that whatever age we don't grow up enough to stop worrying

hummingbirdsinmygarden · 29/06/2023 01:36

But you can have younger parents who are old before their time (and have poor health / weight issues / lack of energy and require care in their 60s) and you can also have older parents who are very active, fit and outdoorsy well into their 80s.. For me, it's about aiming for quality of life as an older parent (I had my youngest at 39) and keeping as healthy and active as possible (though I know there are many things you can't control) - but a healthy lifestyle does give you a better chance of living longer and remaining active well into old age and therefore being around for your children, hopefully, longer. My dad is 86 and still goes to the gym every morning at 6am.

MermaidMummy06 · 29/06/2023 02:01

We all have insecurities. I do feel the older mum thing only because I live in a regional area where the norm is to have kids at/before 21. I was 35&39. It affected me mainly because I received some nasty comments from very smug, young mums and my kids go to public school, which is also mostly younger parents (older parents here tend to send theirs private).

However, I realised my parenting ability isn't about my age. We have time & money to do things with DC, and are not counting down until they leave home so we can have a life - we did awesome things before kids so are less desperate for that time. I've also got a much younger friend who does anything to avoid her kids, and they're practically raised by their GM who takes them to the park, outings etc. So why does the age matter here? I've also known very young mums/dads to pass away or become disabled.

Also, my DH's parents were young. MIL was very obese & disabled & passed away young. FIL isn't in far off himself tbh. My DF is in his 80s and rode 15km on his bike yesterday. DM walks many kilometers & does multiple activities.

Your age isn't the marker of who you are.

ChocChipHandbag · 29/06/2023 02:26

You don't mention a partner. Is DD's Dad on the scene? If he is in her life, is he same age or younger? My DH is good at talking me down when I get anxious like you, and he is the only other person who can truly understand.

I had my son a few days before my 43rd birthday. I'm just about to turn 50. I'm a bit scared of dying when he is quite young but we are where we are and I would not be anywhere else. I love all the posts about "the theoretical child you had younger would not be your child".

DH is also 5 years younger so sometimes I just pretend to myself that I am that age too!

abmac95 · 29/06/2023 02:30

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 19:54

My mum had me at 42 and died just after my 26th Birthday which made me determined not to be an older mother myself.

how is your message helpful at all to OP???

MrsMikeDrop · 29/06/2023 02:32

I'm in the same boat, not so much that I feel/looking older as mine is still a toddler, but I wish I had thought it through more. I feel quite guilty knowing my DC is going to have very old parents and all the issues that go with that. Unfortunately it's done now, so there's not much you can do about it. If I had the choice again, I wouldn't have had a baby at such an old age

balloonzillaeco · 29/06/2023 02:36

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lauraisa · 29/06/2023 02:44

Don't even worry about it!! You are exactly where you are meant to be in life - don't compare yourself to other parents!!

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 29/06/2023 02:52

Flymetothetoon · 28/06/2023 22:22

@thaegumathteth the title of the thread for a start 🙄
I'm just adding an opinion on the OP's fears of being an older mother as are others - my experience was not particularly positive. Life ain't a box of chocolates for everyone 🤷‍♂️

Well as long as you get to shout your opinion eh.

never mind that it’s an absolute dick comment to make to someone already fearing being an older parent to their teenager….

CoffeeLover90 · 29/06/2023 06:59

tigerlillyxxx · 28/06/2023 22:25

You see I'm a young mum had my baby at 20 I turn 21 soon and I fear that I'll be one of them young mums that's takes my baby to nursery while all the older mums will be there judging me looking down on me and when it comes to parents evenings and his teachers are thinking their opinions about being young too but it's okay to have them thoughts it's not how old you are it's how old you feel inside your age doesn't define you your probably still beautiful and your age doesn't take away how good of a mum you are so fuck what anyone else thinks xoxo

Show quote history

I like you 🥲
Sure depends where you live. I had my first and only at 30 and here I'm considered an 'older mum'
Most had their first at 20/early 20s. There's are already in secondary or starting September, mines about to start primary! I'm quite an anomaly too, as I have one child.
It took me a while but yeah, I do now think fuck what people think.