Fear at being old mum

[Josiekitty]

I had my daughter at 42 and she’s now 15. I feel so much older than her friends parents and I know she feels it too. I’m constantly obsessing over how she’s likely to lose me earlier than her friends lose their mum’s and I feel embarrassed that I’m old enough to be her grandmother. I’m so aware of getting older that I avoid places where there will be younger people and I’m getting paranoid about being close to retirement when I long to be 20 years younger

I was adopted at 6 weeks old - my biological mother had me at 21 and when I eventually decided to track her down, I found out shed sadly passed away when she was 55, I was 34. My adoptive parented were well in there 30's before they were allowed to adopt me and both going well and strong in their 70's. So it doesn't matter your age, it's how you parent that counts. FWIW I had my girl a month before my 40th.

Why? I’m sorry you mum died I know how important mums are but Im genuinely interested in why you think your mum dying when you were 26 is worse than her dying when you 48 (when my mum died). For most people (I’m talking about adults, children are obviously completely different) their mums dying is going to hit them hard at any age.

Well when I am worried about something my first thought is what can I do about it?
You can’t change your age, but you can generally change your health and fitness.

What’s your diet like, do you exercise? Give up smoking/drinking if possible. You will feel healthy, look better and can potential add years to your life.

You're thinking yourself old, my friends husband died at 39, his daughter was 4. Just enjoy life with your daughter, they grow up so quickly.

Anecdotes about when people died are so pointless. I could tell multiple stories just in my own family of young and old deaths but it’s not really relevant to the OP feeling too old and what she can do about it (eg not worry about it).

We are all old mothers because even at 90 we'll still be a mother and an old one at that! 😆.

I had dd at 40 but I never feel like this. Maybe because she is my last and I had my first in my twenties. I don't feel like an old mum at all

My dad had me in his 50s. He was an amazing father. I was absolutely privileged to have him for a long as I did. It would not have been easier to lose him when I had children myself. It would never have been easier. It certainly would not have been easier to be his carer with young or teenage children than it was without.

Unfortunately I also have enough life experience
to know that not one of us is guaranteed a second on this earth. If this is news to you, you are indeed fortunate.

My mother was young having us & often said that she didn’t have a clue. I don’t feel any more or less equipped, as a mother, having my son older (44) but I do know what you are saying. I don’t wish I was 20 years younger. I had him at the right time. I’m more aware of my mortality though, and keen to get on top of health issues very quickly. Although, becoming sick is a reality for any of us, no matter our age.

There are advantages and disadvantages to any age gap. There's nothing you can do about it now, so focus on the positive aspects of being an older mother.

For example, you are probably more financially secure than you were 10-20 years ago. You may be able to help your daughter financially more than if you'd been 22 when you had her.

You have seen more of life. You are probably wiser and more confident in your parenting. You may well have made better decisions than you would have made if you'd had your children 20 years earlier.

My children are now early-mid twenties. Neither lives at home. I am retired and can provide much more practical help than if I was still working.

I'm sorry for your loss but 66 is not old she could have feasibly lived another 20 years or so .

Sorry 68.

There is noway 42 is a normal age to have a baby.
I'm not saying is shouldn't happen but it's not normal. Some women are peri menopausal at this age and fertility has drastically declined.
I think society has become quite selfish in this regard.

Bottom line is that children born to older parents will have them in their lives for less time and thats a choice parents make when having children later in life.

The thing is it's not always a choice to.have children later ,I had my children at 33 and 36 so not late ,late but I only met my dh,at 31_in an ideal.world I would have had my children in my late 20,s but life doesn't always go.to.plan.

Conversely, some people rush to settle down with someone who isn’t right for them because they are fixated on having babies in their twenties. That ends in unhappiness, divorce, maybe even domestic abuse, possibly all happening when the kids are quite young. I think I’d rather risk a young adult losing a parent in their twenties than a 7 year old having to understand why Mummy and Daddy shout at each other and Daddy is going to live with another lady.

See, my ideal world would NEVER have involved having kids in my twenties, that’s when you are establishing yourself in your career, travelling, dating, doing all the things that are so important to give you the life experience to be a good parent later. If my son wanted to do that I’d advise him very strongly not to. I’m not saying over 40 was ideal for me either, I think you got it about spot on @x2boys !

I had my youngest at a similar age but I moved to a naice area and I’m not at all unusual. In fact there are several mums who are older than me in my youngest class. I think it depends where you live but having a baby in your 40s isn’t unusual.

I’m the same. I think I was finally ready to settle down in my late 30s and early 40s. Luckily no fertility issues

Having children is always a choice.
It's not an ideal world but we have choices and we weigh up the risks and make a choice.
I had my 2 children in my 20's and my youngest at 36.
I made that choice and weighed up the risks.

It's fine to have a baby in your 40's of course it is, but it's not the norm.

Also people bashing the poster who lost her mum at 26... this is the reality of what can happen and losing your mum at 26 is not the same as losing your mum later in life.
You are still learning to navigate life at 26 and have nowhere near as much life experience as in your 40's or been through as many milestones.

Of course there are no guarantees but I don't understand 15 years later worrying about a choice that was made and I'm assuming carefully considered at 42.

42 is and remains an entirely normal age to have a baby. Both now and in the past too. 40 year olds are much more likely to be emotionally and financially prepared for a baby and absent any ill health are likely to be around for many decades.

@ChocChipHandbag what a strange analogy. Parents splitting up as opposed to one dying? Not comparable at all

People married young are much more likely to split up. Having children in your 20s suggests a very young marriage or none at all. So much more likely to split.

so advantages and disadvantages of having children at all ages but older parents do tend to have better outcomes.

Stress of marital breakdown in childhood as opposed to bereavement as an adult is what I was comparing. Neither is good but the latter is something that everyone experiences in the end, the former is potentially avoidable.

Splitting up is not comparable to dying when your children are young adults.

There are pros and cons to everything and i think it's absolutely fine to have children young or older if you are healthy and take care of yourself the best you can.

Having babies in your 40's has many downsides as the risks of ill health and cancers etc starts to rise at this age.

You do understand that it’s not a choice open to everyone to have children in their 20s? We don’t just add a life partner to your shopping list.

You did not have children in your twenties because you made a choice on a level playing field with everyone else in their twenties. You happened to meet the right person at that time and then you made the choice to settle down and have kids. Those who were not lucky enough to have that opportunity were never in a position to make the choice that you did.