Does anyone have a hoarder in their lives?

[Hmmmm21]

How do you cope? From what I read there is a poor outcome, unlikely to get better.

DF is a hoarder. Cleared a whole house a year ago alone. It's back the same now and he still blames me for stuff I got rid of. Useless pointless shit.
DM has given up I feel so sorry for her. He just buys crap continually. Nothing anyone needs or wants. Last week a fishing tent which he put up in the only room they have to sit in.

I can't deal with mess and get really upset when there's too much stuff around because I'm scarred from it all

My Uncle is exactly the same. No-one has been in his house for over 30 years. Boiler is broken and he won't get it mended so only has fan heaters. From the outside, I can see single glazed windows with net curtains and can't see anything inside. He's 85 and I'm the only nearby relative- now I'm trying to persuade him to consider a Retirement flat, but get regularly shut down on it.

Yep my parents. I think from both growing up in very poor and VERY large families. I hate visiting.
Luckily it’s not too unhygienic yet…no fly infestations or bodily fluids become kept long term (although the bathroom is in dire need of a clean)…. But lots and lots of things. I just find it sad. They can barely use or enjoy their home because of it. One is a wheelchair user and getting about is harder because of the amount of crap everywhere. They’ve always been like it though. I don’t see it changing.

personally I’d it were someone I lived with I think I’d have to move out.

I know it’s a disorder and I think it is genuinely beyond people’s control. I also think that helping can be somewhat pointless because, from
Experience, you just end up back in the same position months/a year later.

My mum is a hoarder & I grew up in a very chaotic & cluttered home. It’s now much worse.

I don’t think it gets better, it gets worse. I think it stems from a traumatic event/s. I don’t hoard despite growing up with it.

My mum will likely pass in this house & it’s all very sad. She must know it’s hoarding but it somehow makes her feel secure.

I wonder though at what point does it go from just being slovenly to being a disorder? Parents who live in dirty untidy homes are considered to be negligent, but single people get to have a disorder 🤔. And it seems these hoarders never seek help with their disorder but people with drink / eating / gambling issues are expected to do so and are heavily criticised for not doing so.

@HypoShamania sounds a bit like me.

I would probably be classed as a level 1 hoarder, I have good years and bad. I agree there's probably often underlying trauma and mental health issues at the core. When I was young we were not well off and I really treasured my (few) possessions but my mother (pedantic, ocd) would sometimes throw my things away behind my back.
Clothes and books were the things I always craved and are now - perhaps no surprise - what I hoard.
DH is very aware and often helps me without judging. Anything I can get rid of in terms of clothes and books is a huge victory. I don't hoard food but have a tendency to bulk buy anything, it gives me huge peace of mind somehow.
I've recently started sharing videos of my worst areas with close friends (who struggle similarly) and it's really liberating.

Sorry about the essay, just hoping it might shed some light on the issue.

I have known a lot of hoarders - my extended family is full of them. It’s a menace and the hoarders have zero insight into themselves.

However, in two different cases the hoarder stopped the hoarding behaviour. It was an improvement in income that had the effect of stopping the need to keep broken things around to fix in future. Not typical though.

Serious therapy required for hoarders.

It doesn't have to be dirty though. Some people do hoard and it's not filthy. My husband had everything in boxes stacked up around the room , sadly that then extended to prevent easy access to rooms. It was extremely difficult to clean ,but I did do by best. It wasn't filthy , but messy and constantly in need of dusting. Our kids rooms were clean and tidy because I would NOT let him put any of his stuff in those rooms. I think hoarding IME, is 2
things ;acquiring items, often because it gives a 'buzz' and makes the person feel better, and then the inability to let things go, so keeping things long after they should have been disposed of. My late DH couldn't get rid of items that most people would have put in the bin ages ago. Not rubbish , but things that had sentimental feelings attached to them, clothes that he might wear again [ often kept for 20 years ,just in case], he also bought the same item several times, often because he forgot that he had it . He forgot because he couldn't find it.
When you can't move through your house ,due to stuff, and have stuff stacked up round a room, when you don't know what you have in your house you are a hoarder. If your stuff prevents you having a life , you are a hoarder. If you can't have the boiler for example, fixed, because of stuff, you are a hoarder.
BTW, there is a story of a hoarder in the Daily Mail today, it's very sad.

Sorry, meant to say, hoarders do often manage to work etc so don't come to notice of anyone who could help, and in any case there is little help on the NHS for the disorder.

Interesting! This is my FIL too. Grew up very poor in a huge family. I wonder if there is any research? He buys new, but he won’t get rid of old, broken stuff because he believes it is valuable. There’s about 4 broken fridges in his pantry. But he’d reject any offer (even if the junk was worth something) because his attitude is always “it’s worth more than that!” so keeps it. He’s also hugely sentimental, although he’s rude and has squabbled and fallen out with most of his family over petty perceived insults.

They need to want to change in the first place and a lot of people with hoarding behaviours don’t really see the problem with it. Or the idea of changing and giving away the stuff is so frightening to them they don’t know where to start. It is often stemming from previous trauma. Change is always possible but they need to be motivated to change themselves in the first place and it’s a very slow process. Can be very frustrating and difficult to understand for people around them.

Personally I would struggle to be in a romantic relationship with a hoarder, I think it would be a deal breaker for me as I couldn’t live like that.

I remember once when I was a teen I did a big tidy of my bedroom and but a lot of things I considered childish or had grown out of into bin bags and put them out. I felt very pleased with myself. But then my dad started bringing it all back in again! I was really annoyed and frustrated with him but as an adult of course I realised he was a hoarder.

A TV presenter made a programme, attemptiqqqng to help her mother, a serious hoarder over many years, whose youngest child had to live with relatives. The contents of mum's crammed 3 bed house were spread out in a hangar. 'There, mum, now you can choose what you want to keep and we'll get rid of the rest.' Mum looks incredulous. 'But I want all of it. It's mine and I'm going to keep it.' TV presenter in tears but also 'why did I think it would be any different?'

It's a serious, deep-seated, manifestation of mental illness which can't be fixed by just having a clear out.

My mother is a hoarder , her house is frankly dirty. It's actually in some ways reassuring to hear of other people having to deal with this although I deeply sympathise with you all who do.
Looking back, she was never really house proud, my sister and I would have to clean when we were young.,
My parents had a bad marriage, (although she will now pretend otberwise), since my father died the spare bedrooms have got worse to the point you can hardly get in the door. My father wouldn't do anything to the house, pay for things.
We've tried over the years to clear things out but she gets very agitated about it. The living room has stuff lying everywhere, the carpet is filthy,,the place needs painted.
I think a lot of it is she can't be bothered to do anything although her health is now worse with age. She definitely has mental health issues (undiagnosed) which a lot has to do with her upbringing and marriage.
I do sometimes go in and try and clean but it ends up a mess again., she won't let me throw things out so I've given up.
Some relatives know what she is like but I still don't want people to think I haven't bothered when I've tried for years to improve the house.
My children basically refuse to go round and hardly anyone visits. My other siblings rarely go there.

MIL is like this.

DH went to stay at her house two years ago, she had an operation but she was too unwell to travel back as quickly as we thought so he had a week before returning. He spent the time sorting out a shed as it was full to the ceiling. She has 3 large sheds. She does have a lot of stuff, every kitchen work surface is covered with stacked up stuff and there are boxes everywhere. Not stacked to dangerous heights thankfully,
.
She wanted to relocate up to near us. She is asset rich and cash poor and lives in a decent 3 bed home. It would have been much better for everyone if she could relocate but honestly her stuff is what prevents it. Think a 3 bed house having the contents of a 6 bed house. Her money worries would be over she could sell for about 600k and buy the same house for 300k here.

It’s a real shame as she could stop living her cheese paring existence and enjoy her retirement.

DH and I when she was thinking of moving encouraged her to throw stuff away, she has barely scratched the surface.

She is actually from a very wealthy family. She has a lot of her parents stuff, they were both dead by 1979. I think hers is sentimentality mixed with very poor decision making and being raised during rationing. She did at least talk about it and she revealed just how much it upsets her to get rid of stuff.

My mom was .It started off as collecting things .Silver plated items, thimbles, fake cape de monte, postcards ,cut glass, pill boxes, dolls house furniture ,coastal themed items ,books . you name it mom collected it !
it got much worse after dad died and dementia took hold. She literally wouldn’t part with a sweet wrapping everything I tried to throw away she had an excuse ready . It used to drive me crazy as there was no reasoning with her. Of course I had to get rid of stuff when she wasn’t looking. It was also sad as I became her carer but refused to stay overnight as I couldn’t stand the clutter so she had to go into a care home quicker than she might have done if she didn’t hoard. I am also interested if those that hoard go onto develop Alzheimer’s as it is definitely a mental health condition.
it took me 6 weeks to clear moms house . I didn’t feel right getting rid of it all so still have some of her stuff in my spare room .She is still alive after all. ( Does that make me a hoarder too?!)
On the plus side I often am able to use the remaining collections to spend time connecting with her as it’s hard with dementia. For instance we look at her old Birmingham books and other books with pictures that we can talk about. Making a cork board with her pinning her pin badges on .Looking at her collection of post cards together. Same with the hundreds of photos she has. Going through her collection of miniature teddies together and sometimes getting the dollls house shops down for her to mess with if she comes to mine.

So many of these stories. So many people clearly struggling but it just seems to be a source for crash tv 😥. I thought I was going to say that we are both hoarders, but we’re clearly in the very minor leagues! We both tend to hold on to stuff ‘just in case’ (but it often does come in useful), keep spares of things, etc. And I know I tend to hold on to things that have something sentimental attached. Our house is cluttered but nothing to other people’s extent.

In our cases maybe it’s an issue of never really having enough £s to just get things if we need them easily, worrying about the future a bit? Because it’s both of us we keep each other in check a bit and understand better.

I know someone who is a real hoarder. He had no ‘trauma’ to speak of, he is a narcissist for no apparent reason (nothing happened in his life other than he is the oldest of siblings, so may have felt pushed out when they came along?) he has managed to infiltrate his mother’s house now and is destroying her life, from within basically. He does have an inflated sense of entitlement…

society needs to do more to address people’s poor mental health though, across the board.

@kerstina it sounds like you have a wonderful connection with your mum 😍

What a lovely daughter you are. Valuing the things she values. 💙From the work I have done in the past I haven't seen this much and I think you will be really helping her by doing these activities together.

If anyone is interested here is a link to the thread I started in AIBU basically moaning about my Dad

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4850697-to-be-done-with-worrying-over-this-lazy-stubborn-man

These stories are all so sad, it's been really comforting for me to read them all. I watch those cleaning or hoarding shows sometimes and literally fantasise about cleaning my parents home, my sis admitted doing the same thing!

We went from one extreme to the other, an overly house proud mum in a show house that was constantly being redecorated but never felt like ours - we weren't allowed posters as they didn't match the theme of the room, and my room was redecorated twice without my input while I was away. It upset me a lot and I couldn't wait to move out but loved coming back for visits. Then we watched it fall apart slowly and the dirt and clutter get worse year by year until now it makes me gag just going in there.

Absenting myself from the situation worked for me, as it was clear that the Stuff was more valuable than any living being.

No, they don't get any better.

It's a serious, deep-seated, manifestation of mental illness which can't be fixed by just having a clear out

And certainly not by throwing stuff out behind their backs as some people suggest.

This is like me now. Very difficult to know what to do. My inclination is to just leave.

I work in people's homes and I find the cluttered ones extremely difficult. It always makes me want to come home and do some decluttering, though I am already fairly minimalist.
I find it really hard to move around a cluttered/hoarded house without breaking anything simply by knocking it over, and cleaning is almost impossible.

Nothing will make hoarders change their ways. DH jokes about putting a match to FIL’s house after he dies - he can’t face clearing it, plus a large garden full of rusted junk. Really, he feels sad. But he can’t get through to his dad.

FIL had a triple heart bypass and was poorly in hospital for a while. DH’s two siblings and his aunts (FIL’s sisters) tried to prepare and clean the house, ready for him to come out of hospital. FIL was apoplectic when he discovered - ranting and shouting about being “violated” and how dare they snoop and touch his things. He didn’t speak to one of his sisters for over a year; “the ringleader” in his mind.

FIL has kept all DH’s old comics in the attic, arguing “They’re worth a lot of money!”

But,

1. They were never worth anything.
2. DH slyly suggested (in that case) selling them. FIL freaked out and changed his story to, “No way! I’m keeping them for the grandchildren!”
3. The roof leaked for months on to the cardboard boxes. The comics are now lumps of stinking papier-mâché. FIL still won’t get rid.