Does anyone have a hoarder in their lives?

[Hmmmm21]

How do you cope? From what I read there is a poor outcome, unlikely to get better.

Ah,yes, I recognise that, it's worth tons of money until anyone suggests selling it! Been there with late DH!

We sound very similar! I also like to bulk buy long life food. For a hoarder I actually enjoy having a clear out, rarely feel emotionally attached to items and luckily the trend has been improving over time rather than worsening. But mine might be secondary to the other mental illnesses I have rather than a condition itself.

DM is a hoarder and I think the root is connected to being bombed out as a WW2 child and spending near to all her childhood with rationing restrictions.

Growing up, the corners had piles, opening cupboards could be a bit precarious, but the living space was functional and clean and the house was big enough to have tidy reception rooms away from the living space.
A lot of it is procrastination "I haven't read that horoscope yet!", sentiment (all of DF's possessions are as they were 30+ years ago) and fear of letting go of things associated with good times. Then there's the bags of stuff that were bundled up years ago in scurryfunges. And fear of identity theft if any named paper leaves the house. As family grew up and moved out, clutter filled up the spare spaces until it was intruding on living space... and it continued. By this point, reducing energy and mobility began to enter the equation. Then things get grubby... and a collection of cats... all decor is old and past its best.

It is now a barrier to our relationship. The only family member that enters the house is very local. Since 2020, she won't have people in the house, but she doesn't travel. She doesn't hear the phone well and certainly doesn't do smart phones (although there will be some 90s bricks hidden in there!)

I don't think all the daytime filler "bargain hunt" type programmes have helped the hoardy end of the generation of WW2 children. It encourages the notion of value in all kinds of random crap in people that aren't equipped to deal with managing it.

I've spent my 30s & 40s learning how to deal with stuff, tidy properly and let go after a childhood of not being allowed to release things that no longer serve me, and tidying being an act of shoving stuff aside. I wasn't raised with any tidying strategies- DM probably didn't know how either as there wasn't much to tidy in her childhood.

Dh definitely has hoarding tendencies. Not so much buying Knick knacks etc, or being emotionally attached to anything, but he seems to have a genuine fear of running out of things so always bulks buy things but to extreme levels - like at one point we had over 1000 dishwasher tablets, he gets stressed when we have less than 3 bottles of fabric conditioner left, or dishwasher salt, or screen wash etc. it wouldn’t be so bad except we’re are a family of 6 in a 3 bed new build with just one storage cupboard and no garage etc. so it’s all piled up around the kitchen and drives me crazy.
then there’s the “person x was getting rid - it was free so I can sell it and make some money” items which just clutter up the house as well. Oh and all the original boxes for all tech, and cables, wires, screws, drills etc that are all needed “just in case”.

And after writing this I’ve just gone to check and yep, we have 30 spare toothbrush heads in the cupboard. 🙄 it’s funny, because he is so judgemental of hoarders and always complains our house is messy and how he can’t wait for the dc to leave so we can have a clean and tidy “show home” yet fails to see his is a massive contributor to the problem

@CouldIHaveThatInEnglishPlease

It seems to me that your H has a serious anxiety problem.
Would he be receptive to suggestions that it could and should be treated by a doctor? Taking out anxiety on other family members isn't fair.

This is so difficult- my boyfriend (of 20 years and father to our two small kids) is a hoarder. His family are hoarders (big time - see all the examples above) and it has caused so much stress, argument and anxiety for everyone for so many years. It’s clear to me that my boyfriend has all the trademark habits now - we live in a tiny house slowly filling up with his stuff. He bemoans anyone who buys things for our kids because ‘we don’t have the space’ but will never, ever, throw anything away. Or sort things out. Piles of crap - everything from unopened bank letters to old bus tickets, menus from a restaurant he went to 3 years ago, coins, old laptops…. - everywhere which he will never sort out. We’ve got boxes of his ‘piles’ in the loft from previous houses which he ‘didn’t have the time’ to sort out before we moved. Never been looked at in 12 years.

I routinely do ‘sweeps’ of the house, getting rid of minor shit - old newspapers, bus tickets, gone-off food - but have to do this when he’s not around. Our life is peppered with ”what did you do with my…”. And then there are the things that he really noticed and really kicked off about (broken things in the house that I fixed but he couldn’t handle the change/lack of control) and I am still regularly and bitterly reminded of 1, 2, 5 years later. But if I didn’t clear anything out or fix anything, it wouldn’t change, and I don’t see why I should just shut up and put up.

I can’t talk about ‘stuff’ without getting my head bitten off. If I suggest sensitively that he should talk to someone to work out some issues from his past then i have mental health issues, not him.

Our kids are 3 and 5 but I worry for our future. I’m becoming anxious, angry and bitter about it all. Despite him being my best friend (although we really don’t get on well at the moment) every bone in my body is telling me to leave but it’s just so sad. I don’t want him to repeat history but he’s definitely already started.

Oh, and I didn’t even mention the hoard that he’s soon to inherit from
his family’s 6 bedroom house, which I know he won’t be able to part with. #grittedteeth.

Stop "suggesting senssitively" that he needs mental health support and tell him straight. Don't live with this emotional vampire when it's all about ME AND MY NEEDS and stuff everyone else. You are being unfair to yourself and your children. Get free.

Yes my parents! Growing up was really hard with the state of the house. I had tried sorting a big clear out with my sibling years ago but today they still moan about random "precious" things we threw out and I've decided to leave them to it.
I am worried about how they will cope when they are old and can't navigate their own crap

And also I am so glad I have siblings to share the problem with me and this is a major reason I will try to have at least 2 kids. I can't have my child growing up alone dealing with parent issues by themself. My siblings have been a great source of comfort for me with our shared experience

I do have hoarding tendencies, or difficulty letting go of things, but it doesn’t get past over full cupboards etc, not spilling onto surfaces and rarely anything on the floor. So not dangerous just inconvenient. Eg when I counted I found we had nearly 80 towels (mostly inherited).

After doing all the sorting and clearing out when my mother went into sheltered accommodation I did change and now find it easier to let things go as I saw what a burden things can be to carry around.

I keep things because they might come in useful, because I don’t like wasting money and because of the environment and not wanting to be part of a throw away society. So I find the increase in second hand/charity shops great because I’m happy to let things go if they can be used by someone else. I also sold a lot of stuff on ziffit etc and eBay. I also think nowadays if you change your mind and want a particular book back, you can just buy it again cheaply second hand. So that makes it easier to let go. Ditto children’s toys that I know some friends are keeping in case they have grandchildren. For me it was better to sell the Lego and keep it in use. Freegle/free cycle are also great for big or weird or slightly broken things that people are hopefully going to fix.

So I’m slowly making progress and hope we have passed peak stuff. There is an emotional side to it all but progress there too.

i also find watching the hoarding programmes on TV really helpful as a wake up call . I know some people have a lot more problems emotionally but whittling down has worked for me starting with the physically biggest things and least emotionally loaded things. And there was a sense in which I have got better at letting go as I did it, but it had to come from me. I also sometimes keep a sample of things, eg one example book from each year for each DC. Rather than everything forever…

Some advice seems so brutal and all in one go and getting rid of everything is likely to retraumatise people. To the pp who has two small children and a hoarder boyfriend, that sounds really hard and I hope you find a way through.

My FIL was. He was so disorganised and never threw anything out. BIL is now the same but he puts it all in big plastic boxes so it's "organised" so it's not a problem in his eyes. Clearing FILs house was a challenge!

I commented a few months ago, no movement in getting rid of stuff. She is getting on now and seems to think she may move in about 5 years when DH retires because we have said we will be relocating then and there’s no point moving now. She will be almost 90 then. The house will never be sorted. It means that we will have to deal with all her crap. DH seems to think we will be able to sell some of her stuff, we really won’t. I know a little of antiques and she has nothing , I also do not want her stuff at all. Some will be easy, an entire kitchen cupboard of stacked margarine tubs springs to mind but it’s a few skips worth of stuff and will cost a lot. I can’t imagine he will agree to a house clearance firm plus she does have some mixed up stuff.

I work with hoarders and to be honest the prognosis is not good. It is in my opinion an illness and one of the most difficult to treat.

You need to leave, I know it's hard, I lived with an alcoholic for 20 years, propping him up and keeping going because I loved him.

My sibling married a hoarder, it destroyed their mental health ultimately ended badly, with a criminal charge, the hoarder still hoards, the kids are in care it's a mess. Hoarders family gave up on them, they now have a one to one carer and things do seem to be getting better.

My point of this ramble is you can't support some one out of an addiction with love, they need to do it themselves and honestly hoarding seems harder to break free from than drink.

I was talling to a friend recently who was helping their partner clear his fathers house.

The father was a hoarder and lived in filth. It destroyed any relationship he could have had with his children and grandchildren and probably hastened his death in the end.

The process of clearing up after hoarder seems to be heartbreaking. My friend is doing their best to help but it is such a sad way for a life to end.

I wish hoarders could understand the emotional pain they are inflicting on their loved ones.

Yes my MIL. Not TV level because she manages it by just having a really big house / land & lots of places to put stuff. It’s mostly just rubbish though and I look forward to the day we can chuck it all in a skip! DH & his siblings are all really affected by it in terms of what they can cope with in their own houses - they all live very minimalistic lives as a result and find being in the family home very difficult.

We have exactly the same problem with my in-laws. Because there are some antiques mixed in with all the crap (nothing put away or tidied for about 45years) my boyfriend is convinced that he needs to sort through it all, which is such a massive task. It’s going to take years and has already dominated our relationship with them for the past 10 years, at least.

My sympathies - as much as it’s clearly a disorder, there is definitely an element of selfishness to it…what an inheritance! I’m with you too - I don’t want all their crap imported into my home, but the list of things he’s earmarked for keeping just keeps getting longer.

And as for your kitchen cupboard of margarine tubs - I opened a cupboard the other day and along with some antique pistols, paintings and old paper work, there was a tub full of teeth moulds - the plaster cast ones that the dentist does. Who keeps those????

My parents are hoarders in that they never get rid of stuff. I used to think it was just my father (because my mother said it was) but I now see that both of them are hoarding in their different ways. My father is either just not bothered to go through his stuff and sort out what can go, or he lacks the ability - either way he won't let anyone else do it. My mother sees value in endless newspaper clippings and algebra books from the 1950s and comic annuals from the 1970s. Some rooms in their house have been inaccessible for years, and now the mess has taken over the hall and parts of the dining room and sitting room.

I have just had to accept that I can't tell them what to do - they are otherwise mentally competent adults and it is their choice to live like that. However it does annoy me when my mother brushes it off by saying "What are you worried about? When we are dead you can just throw it all in a skip" .

Some hoarders are aware of the pain they cause. Some can get better, but they need the awareness from within.

It's sad because as said a lot on here, it's all heading for the bin one day.

Sadly, there is very little you can do with hoarder parents apart from managing it where you can.
My in laws died within 10 weeks of each other with hoarder FiL going last. We had to start sorting the house within days of FiL's death to find photos etc for the funeral. As soon as we had the funeral we ordered the biggest skip we could get and started clearing their large 3 bed semi. It took a solid week and five very large skips to clear the rubbish and ruined 'treasures'. We found it so upsetting that 80% of the house contents had to be skipped as they were too old, too mouldy or too damaged to rescue and all of FiL's 'collecting' came to nothing. It blighted my DP's & BiL's lives quite badly and left them angry and frustrated.
My FiL had a lot of wooden sheds in the garden which contained books, papers etc all ruined by damp and with mould that was so bad that we wore those white hooded decorating suits and masks to empty them. FiL had prized the contents of these sheds as an important archive of his life which he imagined that we'd all treasure when he was gone but every single item went into the skip. DP & BiL then tore down the sheds and had a cathartic burning of them which was like a Viking funeral of the past with us all stood round wearing filter masks & the white protection suits - it must have looked utterly bizarre to the neighbours!

So after a week of clearing the house, the attic and the garden we were left with about 20 boxes for the charity shop, a box of photos/documents and a few boxes of ornaments etc. It was so sad because the in laws had sacrificed being involved grandparents (and even being parents) on the alter of hoarding and it all came to naught mostly. Five years later DP is still a bit sad and BiL is only just getting over his resentment which has clouded the majority of any happy memories that they may have had of their parents. The thing is.... this was pointed out to my in laws when they were alive and healthy and FiL actually said that he didn't care because his archive (as he called it) was important and that one day we'd all thank him for it. He was utterly deluded and we have never managed to fathom his reasoning apart from he was rather full of his own self importance which was bolstered by a fawning, enabling MiL and an over indulgent mother.

That is so sad and seems so common, people keeping things that are "important" but the conditions they are kept in ruin them.

I'm a bit of a hoarder. My hoarding started when my kids left home and I then for the first time in my life had money to spend on myself . So I would buy stuff and never throw out or donate to charity because I was brought up to use things until they wear out . My parents grew up in WW2 during rationing and drummed it into me .I had everything I needed as a child but not what I wanted , also had hand me downs. I can't resist sales and charity shops .

I have got much better and now try and buy quality over quantity. I also regularly go through my stuff and donate to charity It still makes me uneasy getting rid of things . My hoarding is not at the stage of so much stuff I can't live in my home properly but I know I have too much stuff . I'm a work in progress

It's interesting how so many hoarding problems seem to be with the post WW2 generstion - possibly rooted in poverty, want and disruption caused by the war?.

I wonder if it will fade as that generation does, or if other traumas will replace that national trauma?

Interesting thread and something that worries me with my parents who are both WW2 children they keep a lot. Ironically when they sold the family home 20yrs ago they cleared lots but seem to have steadily built up again. Yet despite my mum complaining about the difficulties of clearing her parents house - which has half the contents they have - she just can’t see it! I’m fully aware our crap has multiplied too and I need to keep on top of it or fall into the same trap. She still keeps a huge chest freezer full of food in the garage - I have a tiny freezer in my kitchen and I can’t get her to see they really don’t need the chest freezer anymore but she won’t!