Does anyone have a hoarder in their lives?

[Hmmmm21]

How do you cope? From what I read there is a poor outcome, unlikely to get better.

@Pericombobulations , that is very similar to me.

I think part of it comes from not having established boundaries as a child. My stuff was taken and used by family members. Things were damaged, broken or used up, and if I complained I'd be threatened with a beating.

That's a very interesting point. My brothers like to borrow my stuff to annoy me. Wonder if that too is linked. Will have to think about it.

One of my DC had a friend with hoarder parents at secondary school. The friend was too embarrassed to have friends round much although my DC occasionally went there and said most rooms were unusable. There was a strip just a few inches wide up the stairs which was clear. The oven was hidden behind heaps of stuff, mostly out of date bulk buys. They ate sandwiches or takeaways - and kept the packaging. The parents both had responsible academic jobs.

The friend left home at 18 and has never been back although will meet the parents in a cafe from time to time.

My OH does the same - I have said so many times about needing to be able to use the freezer, especially when he’s away for weeks with work to stock up on quick dinners for kids. He uses it like a storage unit - constantly putting in more meat from the butchers before we’ve used anything. I can’t see what’s in there and it takes 10 mins to excavate anything out from all the UFOs (unidentified frozen objects). So annoying!

I also think hoarders know what they are doing and won’t have people round because they know…they really know but don’t care, they don’t care their children cannot invite anyone round or that they cannot have their own friends round.

Much too much effort so they get themselves invited to other people’s houses who have made more of an effort to live with some pride. Late parent lived like a tramp and of course it became completely overwhelming after years and years and in the end they were never capable of even starting to clear up even when others offered.

But they knew….

Yes they know. An active strategy to keep people out in my parents case - it was piled up by the door like a barricade! Never had friends over as a kid, too embarrassed. Parent was anti social to the point of paranoia, increasingly isolated by needing to have control. it was quite clearly a trauma response, but I never found out what the trauma was. I long ago broke contact, but my sibling says it got worse with age.

I also wish people wouldn’t always flag it as MH issues. It honestly seems to be an excuse for behaviour and allows the person to step back and not address it.

Well, of course, they know. They also know it's not rational behaviour which is why they'd conceal it if they could. It's an obsessive mental disorder. It's not a choice otherwise they wouldn't be in that state. Obviously, many family members affected by a hoarder will harbour resentments and prefer to believe it's a choice. Like people without phobias like to make fun of those with them, it's not a choice. It won't improve without professional help and even then outcomes aren't great.

Hoarding is a mental health condition as per the Cambridge dictionary

Try to not to think that a MH issue like hoarding is an excuse. Well adjusted happy balanced people don't hoard. Like being a alcoholic. It's can be totally consuming and all about you, to the detriment of others, but it's very rare a little kid will dream of being a hoarder or it's a lifestyle choice.

I have had lots of therapy, lots of group therapy, lots of help but it's all be requested by me. I have lots of trauma which has resulted in the way I am. Yes you can get better but only once you become self aware.

A home link worker asked me why I hoard, it didn't make sence to her. But if had said I drink because my mum bear me that would be fine. Hoarding is the ultimate shame and taboo. There is no other MH issue viewed like it

My ex partner had a serious hoarding problem. Boxes piled high in every room of the house with little walkways in between. Full of 'sports collectibles' with more arriving in the post daily. I was not allowed to have friends visit as he was ashamed of the state of it. We argued constantly. I was bitterly unhappy living like that and finally decided I had to leave when we (unsurprisingly) had a mouse infestation that I had warned about so many times. I left with only a couple of suitcases as there had been almost no room for my own possessions as the hoard grew. It was the best thing I ever did, I now have my own lovely little space with room for my own things around me and I can have friends around whenever I want. I feel sick with dread remembering it. Life is far too short.