Does anyone have a hoarder in their lives?

[Hmmmm21]

How do you cope? From what I read there is a poor outcome, unlikely to get better.

@MothralovesGojira that was very sad to read but I wanted to comment on how well you write! You could make your post into an excellent short story!

I used to think it was unusual to be a hoarder but I can see now just how common it is. Maybe that’s why the council don’t care about my neighbour.

I think it depends on the situation really. A friend of mine was left to hoard to the point where she lost her child, but was still able to keep her flat. Until the bathroom floor started to collapse and cave into the flat below as it was so saturated with cat pee (all the litter trays were in there, but so full the cats just went anywhere. I do know that some people can force help onto the by reporting it as a fire risk, though I’m not sure which department exactly you’re meant to report that to

Very sadly I am another hoarder. My parents both collected things, so it seems I inherited the collecting bug. Niether of my brothers seem to do it though.

However my collecting turned into hoarding during a difficult period for DH and I, and I tried to fill the hole of sadness with things. Didnt work of course and just made our relationship difficulties worse.

Cant stop myself though. Have enough shower gel to last several years so am trying to resist buying more, but am terrified of running out, but keep saying to myself, I can only buy some more when am down to last pack of 5.

I also like to buy duplicates of my favourite clothes which I cant seem to stop and do actually wear most of them. But again its fear of running out .

I try now to clear out things, got rid of about 10 large bin bags of clothes last year (still have too many but its more clothes I do wear). Have just sent a load of china mugs to a local auction house as I can no longer sell easily on eBay (the packing is too much) which was good. But now I am disabled, I have to send more to Charity shops or auctions rather than try to sell things. But DH keeps reminding me, I need to clear as much as I can as DS will be left sorting things out when we go.

Yes unfortunately, I have an aunt who is a wonderful lady and I haven't been in her house in years but I imagine it's got worse, she never invites anyone around, even one of her closest friends hasn't been in her house, she is getting older so I do worry about it. She always prefers to have weekends away in hotels and never hosts. I think she isn't sure where to start. I did buy her some books on it and how to start but I really think it will take behaviour therapy to let go of things. My grandparents children all have hoarding tenancies and I dread to think how bad it will get, I imagine one day, hopefully not for many years to come but I will be the one hiring skips to throw out all the stuff.
I think it may hark back to my grandparents grew up in poor Ireland, they made a nice life in England but maybe where reluctant to clear anything out because it took them alot to obtain it and the mentality has gone to their children. Most of the stuff is worthless as well but because my grandparents may have paid alot for it back in the day they still think it could be worth something now when in reality it's not

It does wind me up but I did some research and I know it's complex issues so I try to look at it through a mental health issue way.

I don’t agree it’s always MH issues. My MIL keeps every cardboard box, piece of wrapping paper, brown envelope, paper bag, plastic bag, as they might come in handy. They might but one person will never need as many as she keeps. I cleared them all out a few years back when her house needed some work done and it’s back up to crazy levels. Drives me mad as house is small and there is no space for boxes full of packaging. Otherwise she has a perfectly normal life and no issues at all. It may be an age thing keeping and reusing and mending things. Which is great but there is a point where things are no longer useful!

Christ! Do we know the same person? or is there more than one!

Actually you don't need to answer . In my case we cleared the flat three times, bought new furniture , paid for repairs that didn't get done ( lesson learned there) The stories that were spun about handicap children, the church came and helped, best friends came, I was stopped from coming because I had cleaned the kitchen of rotting food and cleaned up for the cats while they were on holiday.

No one was left to hoard. The hoard spread into other peoples garages and spare rooms as we tried to help.

And thats the problem it doesn't matter how ever much you try and make them see it's crap, sometimes literally, forcibly taking it from them makes them worse and you really need expert help to work out why they hoard.

It's a nightmare.

Oh god that sounds so awful. I don't know how you can bear it!

Oh dear God! Yes! Wrapping paper at Christmas! Gosh that has just reminded me of the Christmas wrapping paper rebellion that I lead one year. FiL insisted that all Christmas wrapping paper was kept for reuse in later years - only it never was because he'd lose it between December and the next November. We know this as boxes and boxes of it went in the skips.
We would sit around at Christmas with instructions to carefully open our gifts, take the tape/bows off and then fold it neatly. MiL would then iron it flat before New Year and box it up ready for use the next year. After about five years of this nuttiness I sat there watching everyone quietly de-taping and asked myself why we were being bullied into this charade of apparent recycling? So I screwed my paper pile up as noisily as I could, got a bin bag and asked why we doing it and stated that I was not going to do it as it was pointless. Everyone sat looking dumbfounded and then my BiL screwed up his pile with a big smile and virtually everyone else followed. I filled up a bin bag and put it in the car so MiL couldn't rescue it. FiL had a face like a slapped arse while we sat around a 'table' made of boxes and ate tea - there were so many boxes in the lounge diner that we couldn't actually get the dining table out so we had to make one out of boxes and cover it with a table cloth!

My late parent was one. I know people like to talk about it as MH issues but it’s a mixture. Parent was lazy. Best to go out and foister yourself on others at Xmas because the house in the end was a shit tip. Sofa jammed up the stairs, piles and piles of junk, old magazines everywhere.

Fire dept came in to give him a warning shot across the bowers about a fire risk and he chucked them out. Said it was his decision to live like this. It was honestly a complete shambles and the most selfish thing he did. When he moved into a care home it took a week for professional clearers to come in and take truck load after truck load away. No chance of doing a finger tip search.

DH has a clear tendency to hoard In fact, I'm up here, away from him atm as we were just unpacking some stuff into the new kitchen cupboards and I'm finding, time and time again there's no room for the stuff we actually use. All the cupboards are filling up with pointless shit:: antique silver and cut glass salt and pepper cruets, (two), random Sherry glasses, (fourfuckingteen) decanters, (three) petit four stands (two) .... It's all stuff from his family. None of it ever gets used. He won't get rid.

I feel completely squeezed out. I do ALL the planning, shopping and cooking. Have done for 30 years.. and as clear as day, there is NOT going to be enough storage in the kitchen for the stuff I need- you know, those little luxuries like pots and actual pans 😠.
It's the same everywhere else - the only way I can keep the house looking even close to acceptable is by not owning anything, or just a fraction, of what he owns. When we moved in we needed the biggest removal lorry you could hire. Of the stuff which arrived, I had a count up recently, and reckon you could load my belongings into an Uber..... Maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Sorry. Dry January not helping!

I'm sorry you are in this situation but it will probably get worse.
I commented on this thread in July- page 2- about my mother. It seems to get worse with age so if he is doing this now and refusing to change, it will only get worse.
It's awful you are too scared to speak to him about it, he sounds very manipulative, bringing up years later about things being thrown out.
You need to have a serious think about you and the children's future.

My mother is a hoarder. I left when I was young because I realised she loved the hoard more than me. It’s only got worse as she’s got older. She’s only 64. I’ve told her that I already know her cause of death. Buried and crushed by her shit. She thinks it’s funny

My mother was a hoarder, she was a wartime evacuee, she lost her sister in tragic circs as they say in the early 1960s... trauma is an odd thing, I don't think it's always merit- or scale-based, it's as much to do with not processing it and thus being able to move on. Repressed or shy people therefore may suffer more from it? I don't know.

It spoiled our upbringing because we could never host. It's a bit like the difference between being morbidly obese and quite overweight, with the former you don't want anyone to see you but with the latter you don't either however, so it's broadly the same. Same issues behind it, very possibly, the feeling that 'more is more'.

Stops you living in the present of course, but if the last time you lived in the present you experienced that trauma, well, you want to live anywhere but there.

The rows I had as a teenager and beyond, the red mist would descend. Nothing changed. It seemed unique but of course you don't get invited to other houses like that so you don't know it isn't. The big win of the internet and threads like this is the insight it gives into other people's problems.

On a side note, in spite of this do label up the old photos and photo albums if you get a chance to, I didn't do this with Dad's old photos and he died last October, well, the last two years he had a bit of dementia so would not have recalled them but... no excuse for not doing really before. Now we have a drawer of 'dead' photos, it could be someone else's family. It's not all like that but too much of it is, shame.

Seems I've inherited a bit of the hoarder thing, though. The stuff gets on top of you, you can't out stare it, I've learned! But you end up carrying the past with you and that is a burden. You can't be happy in the past or the future, only in the present.

My relative is a hoarder. People have tried to help but it makes no difference they refuse to get rid of anything. So there may be an improvement for a month or two but then it's back to the usual.

I don't even bother - I have too much going on myself to spend hours trying to tidy up stuff when unless 80% of it gets thrown will make no difference at all - I could spend all day every day for a month and give it another month we would be back at the beginning. They talk about buying more storage - well no you have plenty if you got rid of stuff. They buy stuff and then pass it to others to look after it as they have no room for it.

Sometimes I feel bad about that and think I should do more but most of the time I just think fuck it tbh.

My OH has hoarding tendencys when we moved in together it took me three months to go through the 50 or so bags of clothes he brought with him, luckily we had a spare room so i piled it all in there and went through it one bag at a time, sort throw or wash dry and iron, we then moved to a smaller house and i confined all his stuff to the spare smaller room, luckily he does periodically have a bit of a clear out and does get rid of some stuff, but he is under instructions to keep his stuff in his room and woah betide him if he tried to clutter the other three rooms, 4 years later its at the stage where the middle of the room is clear and the boxes and bags are only waist high i try not to go in there nag him every so often and that moves him to get a bit more gone, maybe in another 4 years may be able to actually decorate that room

2 close relatives are hoarders. Not to the point where you can’t get in the house, but they both have huge houses and outbuildings filled with stuff and can’t seem to stop trawling junk shops and charity shops and bringing back more and more old useless shite. Both also alcoholics with various other compulsions and fairly serious mental health issues.

A dear friend who’s had horrendous trauma is a hoarder. Largely to do with eco anxiety and fear of waste / disposing of things improperly. So there are old Ella’s pouches still waiting in huge sacks to be recycled from when her teenage children were babies. 🤢

Yes myself apparently.
But only in clothing.
I have about 120 t-shirts, about various 60 jackets/ coats, about 60-70 bags, 50 hoodies approximately, not so many shoes, only about 5-8 pairs of trainers.
If I get rid of some clothing, I immediately buy something else new.
I think it’s only cos when I was young ( child and teen) I never had any cool clothes, I lived in poorer country, we only had a limited choice of clothing available to buy meaning everyone was wearing the same clothes. Hence now I have all this huge selection in my wardrobe.
I m not like that in any other non clothing items, everything else I get rid off as soon I stop using.

My DM is a hoarder but will absolutely not acknowledge it. She also has a shopping addiction and sometimes doesn't have enough money for food because of things she's bought

It's so stressful.

It's a serious addiction but some some reason doesnt get acknowledged as such. It ruins lives. My mum prioritises her hoard over the welfare of any real people and relationships.

I definitely hoard. Huge amounts of clothes (barely any of which fit me due to yo yo weight gain/loss), shoes (100 or so pairs) and toiletries. I also have 100+ mugs.

Nothing in piles on the floor or anything though. You’d never know if you came to my home.

I just find this so sad because it will only go in the bin in the end. There is really good therapy available. They are they gardians of landfill and just delaying it's final destination.

Everything more or less man made is landfill and if that's the struggling point the only answer is to buy less in the first place

@WeightInLine have zero insight into themselves. Looks like it runs in the family.

@loislovesstewie , I can identify with your point 2.

@Errolwasahero , in my case, I think it's because of growing up without much, fear of not having any money, and once things got untidy it just looked completely overwhelming, so never got tidied/sorted. I get rid of stuff and donate to charity regularly but it's not enough.

I don't think it's a mental illness, but once it starts to get bad, the stress of the junk is debilitating.

teeth moulds - the plaster cast ones that the dentist does. Who keeps those???? Me

It can get better.
With therapy, and they need to be thoroughly fucked off with it.
For example. I have OCD, part of that diagnosis is hoarding. I've hoarded in the past to the point that I couldn't use any of the cupboards in the house, and I had two rooms in my house which were completely unusable. On the flip side, I liked things to appear clean and uncluttered.

I had therapy quite a few times for my OCD and the hoarding.

I now get pissed off with the others around me not getting rid of their additional stuff, because I need to be as far away from that behaviour as possible so it doesn't become part of an acceptable mindset for me.

@BrokenHeartedAndBruised not sure what you mean? Those hoarders don’t have any insight into it. Outsiders do have more?