My highly eccentric Dad has lived alone in the family home for about 20 years now. He has never cleaned properly, does not believe in spending money on upkeep or any trades and refuses to throw anything away. I cannot exaggerate the amount of times my siblings and i have offered to help or suggested he do X or Y, he will absolutely refuse to discuss. I live about 30 mins away, I have a sibling abroad with a family and another a few hours away that comes "home" for weekends or Christmas and keeps her room in the house. He wont even let her throw her own things out as he goes through the bins and brings things back into the house, I don't mean he notices something in the bedroom bin, I mean he goes through the large wheelie bin to make sure no one is removing anything from the house. He doesn't open any cupboards as they are "full" but puts everything on display, for example a whole unit is full of 90s VHS tapes so the mantle and shelves are now full of clutter. I dont want to paint a picture of a lonely tragic widower, he has a great social life and has been involved in loads of local charity work and eats out regularly, goes abroad on holidays at least twice a year. He is a passionate gardener and has a large high maintenance garden, he also scrubs up well so the issue is really the house. Its been so sad being unable to host anything there for years and i dont even visit if I can avoid it.
In recent years the issues worsened considerably, there wasn't enough counter space to even put a breadboard down in the kitchen, and we were concerned about fire hazards - imagine electrics repaired with tape beside flammable liquids, with exits blocked by junk. All interventions failed again. A year ago he became very ill and needed post surgery recovery so we had to clear a dining room to make a temporary bedroom, this also gave us access to the house for the first time. We did not throw anything away (despite being really tempted!!) so as not to upset him but we organised his admin, labelled everything and threw away paper and recycling left lying around - all 7 refuse bags of it. We cleaned out cupboards and found kitchen condiments and medicine 10-15 years out of date. We hoped the clean up of the kitchen and dining room would inspire more decluttering but it was shot down very quickly when suggested. He needs to avoid stress so we have now accepted this is how he will live the rest of his years. We did however hire a cleaner when he was recovering and she was kept on weekly so at least he was living in a clean mess for once.
I called down a few days ago and I knew at once something was off. The usually threadbare and badly stained carpet had a new layer of dirt and the kitchen counter was covered again. The bathroom was dirty. I asked about the cleaner and he ignored me and changed topic (his usual tactic) but later my sister who was home texted to say he admitted he let the cleaner go as he "didn't need her anymore". I am raging, I replied that she could tell him that he could live in his own dirt if he chose but I refuse to clean his house for him. He is old and in poor health now and I know it sounds mean, but he did nothing for years when he had his health and refused all help for so long and I am sick of him. I know sadly the day will come when I have to help care for him but he is impossible. I have a young family and a job and hardly get a minute to myself, visiting once every 2 weeks or so is enough of a strain but I cant stand to be in that disgusting house now and I feel so angry with him. Anyone else understand or have thoughts on how I deal with this?