Son hurt me. With this (pic)

[271726a]

My son is 16 he kept going on at me over food . I feel ill. I have food in freezer /cupboards . He does not want it. He would not leave me alone. I feel total shit. My other kids are ill as well. I told him to leave me alone.

He then went to his room. He still kept messaging me over food. I'm the end I went to his room and said stop we are ill you need to stop your 16 your old enough to sort yourself food.

He told me to get out . I did I closed the door. He then came out a throw a bottle at me. It don't seem like much but it really hurt . He's been aggressive in the past. And really nasty . But he's never physically touched me.

I can't take this anymore. I told him tp leave he's gone I have no idea where i think he will contact out of hours social services.

That's a lot of conclusions to jump to. Sounds like OP has older kids who are perfectly fine and functional, so I doubt she doesn't feed them. Just because a child is struggling, doesn't mean the whole household becomes their slave. It is very easy to have all this endless patience and perfect responses, when you're not the one in the situation.

A pp said that she still needs to look after her 16 year old when sick? A 16 year old can put a pizza in the oven! How did we get to this point in society where the bar is so low? I was able to make a sandwich since I was about 7! Honestly, standards for behaviour are so low!

I agree. It's no wonder many employers complain about young people in the workforce when the delicate little things are still having to be "looked after" at an age when some of us had fulltime jobs and were responsible for our finances, not to mention living away from home. Why do some (MN) parents baby their kids so much, whatever happened to raising resilient adults who could cope with what life throws at them?

Anyone with a knowledge of child development, or experience working with young people, will know that the human brain does not fully develop until the age of 25.

Add in the possibility of undiagnosed neurodiversity as well as potentially some mental health issues which could be treated.

My mum kicked my sibling out at the age of 14 - she could not cope with their behaviour and Dad was not involved. My sibling lived at a friends house for 2 weeks. Social services was not interested. They eventually went to live with a relative for several years before returning home. It was traumatic to be separated from
my sibling and I didn’t understand what was happening. My sibling is now a successful business person (sorry to be vague but I’m trying to not be too outing). I still talk to my mum about why she did what she did and I do feel it was neglectful. But she couldn’t cope.

Of course, anyone who breaks the law like in this case assaulting someone can technically be arrested and charged. You don’t have to live with anyone who has been violent towards you, regardless of age and what their relationship is to you.

But I don’t believe this is morally the right thing to do. There can still be clear consequences, but I don’t feel disowning your child is the way forward.

For those who are saying ‘this child will go on to be a man who beats their wife’ - is it not better to sit with the ‘6 ft 4 adult sized male’ once things have simmered down and have a calm conversation about what led to the angry outburst and the violence, why this is wrong? Is this not how we can ensure that young men don’t go on to beat their parents? Otherwise, how will their behaviour ever change?

And before people comment and say ‘it’s not the womens job to stop men being violent’ I’m sorry, this isn’t about it being a ‘woman’s job’ to fix men’s behaviour. It’s about being a responsible parent.

You should contact your child’s school on Monday and speak to their designated safeguarding lead. You can ask for an early health assessment and include staff form for your younger children’s schools. Focus on private therapy and accessing an assessment for neurodiversity.

Or you can kick him out and let the state pick up the pieces.

Spot on. OP needs to be a mother to him.

Again, how do you know posters don't have similar experiences or violence with men in their past - you don't, you just think because people are not aligned with your outlook they don't have any valid comments to make.

When a 16yo male with the body of a 6’4” male starts hurling heavy objects at a woman with significant force, he ceases to be a kid.

When OP is dead at his hands, your platitudes about him being a child will mean nothing.

OP, please protect yourself and your other child. Do whatever you need to do, police, social services, sending him to dad.

Their experience is irrelevant if they’re telling a woman to keep her abuser in her house.

@Ds16dv has successfully raised older children who are now adults, she is raising younger children. So it's one offspring who's a young adult that pushes every boundary continually.

I'd like to see some of the amateur social workers on here deal with a large family of which only one is behaving in a frightening way .

Let him work with social services, he has them on speed dial.

I can't believe some of the responses on here. Do people really think that a 16 year old throwing a full plastic bottle at his mother 'isn't even that bad'. It doesn't matter that he has ADHD, it is classed as assault. If he did this to someone outside the house he could be charged with assault. He cannot use his ADHD as an excuse.

People on this thread seem to be two extremes. He's a 6ft 4 giant male abuser or he's a helpless child and you're a crap parent.
A furious teen hurling an object in frustration is in my opinion, not that uncommon. I'm not saying its ok, but it's not that uncommon. A 5 year old hurling an object will also hurt someone, I don't think this kids size is relevant. If he wanted to hurt OP, he would've. Not sure reducing a 16 year old to some sort of dead beat wife beater is helpful.
OP, realistically it doesn't sound like CAMHS will do much, so your options are funding a private ADHD assessment and getting him on meds, or finding an alternative home for him. You may be overestimating how helpful foster care will be for him. It may very well make matters worse. There are some teens who really do not gel with their parents and vice versa. It can make a difficult situation explosive and turn both the parent and the child into really not very nice versions of themselves. I hope you manage to get some support and help.

I'm glad Mumsnet HQ have deleted some of the nastier posts

discounting the feelings of the older children is not disability based

Back at the first rule of misogyny again. The OP somehow deserves to have a full bottle thrown at her because she "discounted the feelings" of her son. A thrown bottle of liquid is not like throwing a cushion at someone. In a similar incident, I concussed my mother with a thrown full plastic bottle. I was younger, and female, so could put far less force behind it than OP's son. My mother didn't deserve that either. We can acknowledge that the child needs help and at the same time the parent does not deserve violent treatment.

he was asking for help with basic care, food prep.

At 16, when his mum was ill. I made meals for myself and my sister from age 12 if this week's parent had a migraine. Did I mention that I had undiagnosed autism at the time?

Mental health issues caused by choices made by his parents and the adults around him

ADHD is not caused by upbringing. Neither are autism or any of the other conditions that sit under the "neurodiversity" umbrella. You clearly know much less about this topic than you think you do, so I suggest that you refrain from providing "advice" from your position of ignorance.

@Coolhwip @justasking111 all your assertions mean nothing b16 is not an adult. It's a minor. 5'0" or 6'8" it's irrelevant to the fact that it's still a minor we are taking about.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia Tbf the OPs son doesnt have an ADHD diagnosis yet. If he has a lot of trauma, he may not even get one as a lot of the symptoms show up in a similar way. Until the trauma is dealt with, most psychiatrists don't issue a diagnosis like ADHD as the meds can exasperated symptoms.

@Frequency JFC your poor daughter.

When she gets her conditions managed effectively, she can do Essential Skills catch-up qualifications to make up for the missing GCSEs.

The underresourcing of child mental health services is a national scandal. It's clearly got worse since I was a child.

I think you've missed my point because the removal of the post I was replying to has denied you the context for my reply to Achwheesht. Blaming the OP for her son's mental health isn't fair to OP, especially as she says "I know they [CAMHS] are looking into ADHD", which they wouldn't do for no reason. No, there isn't a confirmed diagnosis yet. That doesn't mean it's OK to victim-blame the OP.

Fucking hell, I couldn't even read most of these posts. Absolute disgraceful how many have spoken to the OP, do you get a kick from kicking someone when they're down?

OP I hope you all get the support you need, I'm aware though that the winning lottery ticket is easier to get hold of.

So what if yours has? Thats irrelevant to her situation, she should put up with it because your child is more violent? More fool you

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

ADHD is now horrifically over diagnosed when the actual root of the issue is trauma/poor parenting. It’s just the new buzz word/diagnosis.

Wonderful post.
Our GP said teenaged boys get huge testosterone surges that can make them a bit aggressive at times ( She has several sons)

Teen boys ( Especially in single mother households try to “ Flex” a bit for some reason.

I think they are actually needing structure and boundaries- Not throwing out and abandoning.

It’s bound to be tough on this 16 yr old who has no knowledge of his father-
Dads ARE important to boys, or if not a Dad, a rock solid, good supportive older trustworthy male.

We had an excellent tutor as teenagers, and he died a few years ago, too young, but the messages left by a young man who has had no father in his life said thanks to the tutor we’re truly moving…Basically “ Your care made me the man I am today” ( Without your input I’d be lost)

Talking, communication, understanding the other person’s point of view can tip the balance so the once angry teen knows how to cope and communicate appropriately when anger flares.

Throwing ( abandoning) a 16 yr old out is going to unhinge him further. ( In my experience of knowing troubled adults).

There is a small window in which to fix things-
Family therapy can be an eye opener- IF the parent/s are honest with themselves.

Op, take care of yourself, please stand away of this horrible thread (worst I have seen in 20 years in Mumsnet), no wonder society is so broken when there are people infantilising teenagers to that point.

Ringing the police, social services or changing the locks is taking responsibility, it must be garden for you than for your son, but it needs doing.

Keep strong and walk away from this horrible thread.

FURTHER education- as in college. Not Higher education

I just want to say that when you are being assaulted physically and verbally by your child telling people is hard and you often just dont have the mental energy to post all the background stuff that is going on as well as what just happened. It wears you down. Because there is so much going on and because the post would be too long and complicated. I have posted stuff about my teens and replies have been harsh.

@Ds16dv
i haven't read all the thread but have you contacted single point of advice also called SPoA as they should be able to advise you.

Hope you feel better soon also.