Does my life sound boring?

[YouLittlePlonka]

A friend of mine said something in conversation to me last week and it's kind of bothered me. So obviously I'm coming on here to seek the opinions of a bunch of random unknowns on the internet because fuck it, plenty of you have given me help before. We were talking and he kind of looked at me full of sympathy and said "you need to do something fun!" For the record this friend has some pretty extreme hobbies that usually involve being thousands of feet in the air. He tries to get me involved but I prefer my feet on the ground to be honest. I like gravity.

I'm single and will be presumably remain so for the rest of my life. Partly because of various life experiences that have left a few scars (nothing dramatic, fuck it at my age of nearly 40 who isn't a bit damaged), partly because of the hundreds upon HUNDREDS of absolute horror stories I read on here but mainly because I genuinely do love my own company and hardly ever fancy anyone anyway. I also do not and have never wanted children. EVER. This in itself makes me feel lonely - because most people I know are parents or want to be parents and either are in or are searching for happy, healthy relationships. Making memories and all that bollocks. If someone amazing came along sure I'd give it a bit of a shot but I wouldn't bother going out of my way and I'd certainly not go looking for it.

I admit I do feel like something big is missing in my life but I don't think it's a partner. I'm not really sure what it is, sometimes I think maybe most of us working class folk just yearn for a kind of life that we can't embrace because of the all too common factor - lots and lots of money. If I won the lottery I'd do this blah blah blah. So I work and I have a good job, I own (well mortgaged) a beautiful little house. I have my own financial system, two wonderful loving parents whom I love dearly and long term friends scattered here and there whom I catch up with several every couple of months. Sometimes for a walk, sometimes for lots of wine. I love walking so I do a lot of walking, I also go on walking holidays and sometimes chilled out beach holidays by myself. I don't really like going on group holidays as I find them suffocating. I'll often stick my head in a good novel, or dive down an internet rabbit hole about unsolved crimes. I like to cook, potter about the garden, try to write the odd short story. I like being at home listening to some relaxing music or I'll take myself off out for a nice bit of breakfast or dinner. When the nights are dark I like to take myself off to bed and lie next to a lamp embracing a bit of classical music and just appreciating serenity. I absolutely love nature. If it's green - I'll be there with my hiking boots. If I'm at home I'll stick a good drama on the television or rewatch old sitcoms. I wouldn't say I was happy but I'm pretty comfortable.

But I don't really feel like I have a "thing" and this comment has made me think my life is just a bit, well.... empty? I actually posted something on here yonks ago about reducing my hours for more leisure time and one horrible poster told me I might as well not bother because my life is dull and miserable because I'm single with no kids. I'm now wondering if she had a point 🙁

@EnidSpyton there you go again. I have no issues with my life choices. Can't you talk to people who make different choices than you without insulting them?

I disagree with the original statement you've made. I agree (and said in my response) that nuclear families are relatively new as human's have traditionally lived intergenerationally. However, your points about nature and family life / raising offspring being unnatural social constructs without parallels in nature aren't true. There really isn't any need to critique how other people live. Just celebrate why you are happy with your own choices.

Also I'm not angry, nor did I suggest your use of unnatural was in the sense of obscene. I'm simply disagreeing with the comment you made below @EnidSpyton .

"Society tells us that a successful life is family life but that’s because family units work as economic units in a way single units don’t. It’s a social convention, not a natural way of being. In nature, very few animals will mate for life or keep their children with them beyond the first few months of life. There’s a reason why half of marriages end in divorce. Family life is a manufactured ideal."

I don't think it matters in the slightest what any of us think. It doesn't matter what your friend thinks either. It's your life, and it's what you think that matters.

The fact that you're even asking the question confirms that you want more than what you currently have, so clearly, your mission now is to figure out what that is. Ignore the patronising posts about kids...I absolutely bloody love being a parent but it isn't for everyone and you seem very clear that it isn't for you. Fair enough. Local volunteering doesn't sound like it's going to cut it either... are you sure that the only local options are charity shops? Or are you maybe looking in the wrong places.

Think about what brings you joy. Think about what you've been doing when you're at your happiest. Think about the people whose lives inspire you. Also, it sounds a bit morbid, but think about how you want people to celebrate your life at your funeral... what do you want to be remembered for and what do your want your legacy to be?

None of us can tell you what your life is supposed to look like, but at least you're thinking about it...which will enable you to make some decisions about what you really want. Good luck!

Only 3-5% of mammals mate for life.

So the nuclear family is indeed not something we see reflected widely in nature.

I'm sorry if you find that hard to believe but it is true!

I meant no offence nor to denigrate, or insult, you or your life choices. I was simply philosophising.

I genuinely am struggling to understand why you are so bothered by my post and this is why I have suggested that there might be something else going on for you. I'm sorry if you found that insulting. I really didn't mean it be.

Please can we just leave this now? I've stated repeatedly that I meant no offence and I don't want the OP's thread to be railroaded.

@EnidSpyton Would you tell a penguin its lifestyle was an unnatural manufactured ideal because only 5% of other animals pair bond? I think if I said being childless and single was 'unnatural' you would rightly think it was a rude and unreasonable thing to say.

I love being a wife and a mother (I only regret starting late as I wish I could have had even more kids) and I also have lovely friends who've made other choices that are right for them who are very happy and fulfilled.

I don't feel the need to make negative statements about other people's lifestyles to feel happy about my own. I suggest you reflect on why you do... Respect in conversations like this should go both ways.

OP what's missing is freedom from the weight of society's expectations. Your life sounds great, a lot better than most other's lives. Yours doesn't have all the drama. You have quiet contentment instead. A lot of people are addicted to the drama and inadvertently cause a lot of it themselves with their choices and actions.

Oh I definitely agree with that lol!

I think your life sounds quite lovely. But this jumps out at me

’I wouldn't say I was happy but I'm pretty comfortable.‘

I think you deserve to be happy and it’s definitely worth taking some time to try to find out what would make you happy, not just comfortable!

You might enjoy a Happiness Project (Gretchen Rubin) approach, where you think about what happiness looks like for you, at various levels, and think about how to make changes if you decide you want to. There are books, apps, tips etc on her website. Happiness Project