Does my life sound boring?

[YouLittlePlonka]

A friend of mine said something in conversation to me last week and it's kind of bothered me. So obviously I'm coming on here to seek the opinions of a bunch of random unknowns on the internet because fuck it, plenty of you have given me help before. We were talking and he kind of looked at me full of sympathy and said "you need to do something fun!" For the record this friend has some pretty extreme hobbies that usually involve being thousands of feet in the air. He tries to get me involved but I prefer my feet on the ground to be honest. I like gravity.

I'm single and will be presumably remain so for the rest of my life. Partly because of various life experiences that have left a few scars (nothing dramatic, fuck it at my age of nearly 40 who isn't a bit damaged), partly because of the hundreds upon HUNDREDS of absolute horror stories I read on here but mainly because I genuinely do love my own company and hardly ever fancy anyone anyway. I also do not and have never wanted children. EVER. This in itself makes me feel lonely - because most people I know are parents or want to be parents and either are in or are searching for happy, healthy relationships. Making memories and all that bollocks. If someone amazing came along sure I'd give it a bit of a shot but I wouldn't bother going out of my way and I'd certainly not go looking for it.

I admit I do feel like something big is missing in my life but I don't think it's a partner. I'm not really sure what it is, sometimes I think maybe most of us working class folk just yearn for a kind of life that we can't embrace because of the all too common factor - lots and lots of money. If I won the lottery I'd do this blah blah blah. So I work and I have a good job, I own (well mortgaged) a beautiful little house. I have my own financial system, two wonderful loving parents whom I love dearly and long term friends scattered here and there whom I catch up with several every couple of months. Sometimes for a walk, sometimes for lots of wine. I love walking so I do a lot of walking, I also go on walking holidays and sometimes chilled out beach holidays by myself. I don't really like going on group holidays as I find them suffocating. I'll often stick my head in a good novel, or dive down an internet rabbit hole about unsolved crimes. I like to cook, potter about the garden, try to write the odd short story. I like being at home listening to some relaxing music or I'll take myself off out for a nice bit of breakfast or dinner. When the nights are dark I like to take myself off to bed and lie next to a lamp embracing a bit of classical music and just appreciating serenity. I absolutely love nature. If it's green - I'll be there with my hiking boots. If I'm at home I'll stick a good drama on the television or rewatch old sitcoms. I wouldn't say I was happy but I'm pretty comfortable.

But I don't really feel like I have a "thing" and this comment has made me think my life is just a bit, well.... empty? I actually posted something on here yonks ago about reducing my hours for more leisure time and one horrible poster told me I might as well not bother because my life is dull and miserable because I'm single with no kids. I'm now wondering if she had a point 🙁

Yeah exactly. I enjoy serenity and peaceful things but I wish I had something to really sink my teeth into and feel passionate about, you know? Like a goal or something? Definitely not a partner. Been there, done that, I'm done. Just something healthy and interesting. But I don't know what or how to find out what can give me that spark!

100% recommend a book “Solitude” by Anthony Storr. It’s a stunning book. Not everyone is set up to have a partner and kids. It’s wherever our energy and focus calls us, inner or outer. Also some of the most boring people I’ve ever known are in the “partners and kids” category, though you’d think they’d invented the wheel the way they go on about it!

PS. Doesn’t that “making memories” phrase give you the ICK though!

Yeah... but what about "our little family" 🤮

Haven't read all the other suggestions, but what about changing your job / training for something based outdoors since you love it? You could do something really exciting working with nature?

I know exactly what you mean. I’ve recently finished a diploma course which filled all my spare time. I don’t want to do another one, but feel like I need something. Let me know if you find yours, maybe it will be mine you!

Mine too!! 🙄

You sound happy and that’s all that matters! I think your life sounds lovely!

And a big fuck off to anyone that thinks that children are the only way to be happy and content!

I had a feeling you were an only (I guessed you'd have mentioned siblings if you had them) and yes, I read your post thinking 'Did I post this?!' 😅

You sound like an introvert. I am also one. It's funny because the society we live in seems set up for extroverts ; pressure to socialise, party, holiday with friends, always be on the go and 'having fun'. I think it's sad that as introverts there is always this feeling of somehow being inadequate and feeling societal pressure to have a big family unit. If you live alone people sometimes assume you're unhappy, lonely or just weird. I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with solitude so they feel the need to tell you to get out there etc etc. Some people just don't understand that some people don't need lots of socialising and activities to be fulfilled, but that's more a reflection of their insecurities and nothing to do with your life being 'wrong'. Not everyone has also had the fortune of being in a loving, secure relationship and having that one person you can go through life with as a team. I certainly haven't met that person and I'm 37. Sometimes it hits me like a freight train, the feeling of somehow failing at life and thinking there's something wrong with me. I have one DS and I am truly thankful for him, but he is growing up and will inevitably fly the nest. It scares me, and serves as a reminder that I do need to focus on myself and making my own life fulfilling, but again, I think that's more societal pressures than actually wanting to have lots of hobbies and pursuits. I have kind of come to terms with knowing I may never meet the right person for me and actually it's been so long that I don't know I could live with another man again. I like my own company too much and if people have a problem with that then whatever. It doesn't make their life any better than yours.

I would echo other posters though on the pet thing. If you can, and if you like animals that is! I have two cats and just their presence in the house is comforting. Couldn't imagine life without them now.

I don’t see any necessary relationship with being an only child. DS (11) is an only child and ferociously sociable, with a tight posse of friends he spends a lot of time with. Whereas I grew up in a large family in an overcrowded house, and although I value my friendships and like to see a lot of other people, I definitely need a lot of solo time to balance myself. I would identify as a sociable introvert.

Your life sounds great. I think people sometimes feel the need to have some sort of overarching project or aim and maybe that's what's missing for you. For some people this might be kids or a relationship or a pet but it sounds as if that's not your bag so how about studying or campaigning or training for a sporting event?

I'm actually watching a guy on YouTube who goes to countries like Nigeria and blows their mind by speaking very unusual and rare languages such as Yuroba and mixes with the locals, who all massively respect him. This is the kind of thing I would love to do. Like an "Alphabet Project" where I would go to many different places from A to Z and embrace different cultures, foods, communities etc. I would absolutely love to do something like this. To learn. But unfortunately I don't have that level of intelligence 😕

OP, I am quite similar to you in lots of ways. I live alone, have no desire for a partner or kids. I have a lot of hobbies - I play an instrument, I write, I read, I blog and podcast, I love to study (I have 3 MA degrees and will do my PhD at some point), I volunteer for a couple of charities on a regular basis - and I have a full on career that I love. My career - teaching - also comes with a lot of holidays, which means I have plenty of time to travel, which is another passion of mine.

I have a wonderful family and great friends all over the world. I’m very sociable but I love coming home to my own space. I’m very comfortable in my own company and I love my life. My independence and freedom are more precious to me than anything else and I wouldn’t give them up for anyone or anything. The thought of having a partner makes me feel suffocated, as does children, though I love children - I am a teacher, after all! - and I am an adoring auntie to my sister’s kids - but I have no desire for kids of my own. I don’t want to be tied down. I have to be able to fly free otherwise I would never be happy.

It’s taken me a long time to stop feeling that something was missing and that my life was ‘enough’ without a partner and/or kids. Society tells us that a successful life is family life but that’s because family units work as economic units in a way single units don’t. It’s a social convention, not a natural way of being. In nature, very few animals will mate for life or keep their children with them beyond the first few months of life. There’s a reason why half of marriages end in divorce. Family life is a manufactured ideal. Sure it works for some but for a lot of people it doesn’t. And that is ok!

There are many meaningful ways to live a life. For a woman in particular we are socialised to feel that we’re living our lives in a waiting room until our man and kids arrive, which leaves women for whom that isn’t what they want feeling that their lives are somehow in arrested development and lacking in worth. I think this is the sense of something missing that you’re feeling. Once you realise that the unease you feel is due to your spirit not being aligned with societal norms, and not because you’re lacking anything - the freedom is immense. Other people judge you because you’re living a life that is outside the norm. Celebrate it. You’re daring to go against the grain by living a life that pleases you rather than being in service to societal expectations. So many people would be a great deal happier if they were able to do the same.

By all means feel free to join more activities or get a pet or whatever but if you take the time to look deep down inside yourself, you might find that all you’re missing is your own acceptance of yourself as being good enough as you are.

Just say fuck off. If you're happy with your life why does anyone else have an opinion? If we all liked the same or lived the same we would indeed all be boring. If you are bored or unhappy then do something but otherwise relax and be yourself

Once you realise that the unease you feel is due to your spirit not being aligned with societal norms, and not because you’re lacking anything - the freedom is immense

Very much so.

I love this! Thank you x

Signed up, thank you! It's a good 25 odd miles away but I don't mind the drive

Such a lovely post!

Are you bored & unhappy, OP?
Doesn't sound like it. So... why should you care what we think? You're the only one who can decide if your life is unsatisfying.
I believe it's good for me to be pushed out of my comfort zones, but that's me, might be irrelevant to you.

Your life sounds lovely but the idea of comparing humans with animals whose offspring mature after a few months is really bizarre.

Family life isn't 'manufactured' or 'unnatural' as you've stated in your post @EnidSpyton

It would be great if we could all find peace with who we are and the choices we've made without denigrating the way other people live...

You sound great OP and your life doesn't sound the slightest bit boring!

I don't think your life is 'missing' anything, OP. I think you've just let other people's opinions get into your head.

You sound happy, content and you're very lucky in that you're happy with your own company. You have lots of interests and you know what you don't want in your life. You seem pretty much like you’ve got it together, in my opinion.

Please don't let other people's opinions have so much of an effect on you.

@MomFromSE I haven’t denigrated anyone’s life choices. You have chosen to taken offence where none was meant.

Humans are mammals. We share much in common with the animal kingdom, hence my comparison. Not bizarre at all to draw comparisons between the two - quite a common thing to do in sociological and anthropological circles. We can learn much about ourselves from studying the animal world.

And family life is socially manufactured and does go against the grain of patterns formed by many life forms on earth. Family units are formed by choice and are a product of social expectation and constructs. Someone at some point created the concept of family. It’s not something that’s ordained by nature. The western notion of a nuclear family made up of a male and female and children living separately from other generations and members of the community is entirely foreign to many other cultures across the world. Many indigenous cultures do not have familial structures we would recognise.

I said quite clearly in my post that family life works for some and that’s great, but it doesn’t work for everyone. I don’t see how that’s denigrating your life choices. I’m delighted that you enjoy family life. I’m not here to judge anyone. I wouldn’t want your life, but I understand why you would see value and take joy in it. We’re all different and that’s what makes the world such an interesting place. If you’ve found my post unsettling in some way, perhaps there’s something there for you to think about.

@EnidSpyton okay, I think saying the way someone lives is ‘unnatural’ is denigrating. I think you’d feel that way if I described how you live that way…

You are also patently incorrect. Many animals are communal and live in family groups and pretty much all animals raise their offspring until they reach maturity and the time to maturity differs by species. Humans very much are in line with other animals in this respect.

The nuclear family is relatively new way of living but living in family groups / extended kinship goes back from the very beginning of the human species 2 million years ago. Across cultures and millennia human beings have lived this way and entered into sexual relationships (in different formats) and raised children in some form of family unit. Other highly socially complex animals also mate for life- humans are not unique in pair bonding amongst animals.

It is beyond great to not want a family or a romantic partner but to pretend like these things are some unnatural construct never found in nature is patently false.

Celebrate and enjoy your life choices without spinning some wild narrative

@MomFromSE goodness me! All I am saying is that the nuclear family is not a naturally occurring construct. You can try and claim it is, but it’s not. It’s a relatively recent societal norm. Family structures of course exist in nature and humans have lived in communities for millennia but nuclear families evolve from choice not an innate, instinctive order of things. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying and nor did I ever say that to be in a nuclear family or to enjoy that life is unnatural as in obscene in the sense you’re taking it to mean. You’ve read far too much into my post that was never there and certainly never intended by me, and with kind respect, I think that speaks to issues you have with your life choices rather than anything to do with me. I don’t see anything in what I’ve said to generate such anger from anyone!

We’re all on our own paths and I wish love and light to everyone. I won’t engage any more on this out of respect to the OP, whose thread this is, and for whom this debate is entirely irrelevant.