Does my life sound boring?

[YouLittlePlonka]

A friend of mine said something in conversation to me last week and it's kind of bothered me. So obviously I'm coming on here to seek the opinions of a bunch of random unknowns on the internet because fuck it, plenty of you have given me help before. We were talking and he kind of looked at me full of sympathy and said "you need to do something fun!" For the record this friend has some pretty extreme hobbies that usually involve being thousands of feet in the air. He tries to get me involved but I prefer my feet on the ground to be honest. I like gravity.

I'm single and will be presumably remain so for the rest of my life. Partly because of various life experiences that have left a few scars (nothing dramatic, fuck it at my age of nearly 40 who isn't a bit damaged), partly because of the hundreds upon HUNDREDS of absolute horror stories I read on here but mainly because I genuinely do love my own company and hardly ever fancy anyone anyway. I also do not and have never wanted children. EVER. This in itself makes me feel lonely - because most people I know are parents or want to be parents and either are in or are searching for happy, healthy relationships. Making memories and all that bollocks. If someone amazing came along sure I'd give it a bit of a shot but I wouldn't bother going out of my way and I'd certainly not go looking for it.

I admit I do feel like something big is missing in my life but I don't think it's a partner. I'm not really sure what it is, sometimes I think maybe most of us working class folk just yearn for a kind of life that we can't embrace because of the all too common factor - lots and lots of money. If I won the lottery I'd do this blah blah blah. So I work and I have a good job, I own (well mortgaged) a beautiful little house. I have my own financial system, two wonderful loving parents whom I love dearly and long term friends scattered here and there whom I catch up with several every couple of months. Sometimes for a walk, sometimes for lots of wine. I love walking so I do a lot of walking, I also go on walking holidays and sometimes chilled out beach holidays by myself. I don't really like going on group holidays as I find them suffocating. I'll often stick my head in a good novel, or dive down an internet rabbit hole about unsolved crimes. I like to cook, potter about the garden, try to write the odd short story. I like being at home listening to some relaxing music or I'll take myself off out for a nice bit of breakfast or dinner. When the nights are dark I like to take myself off to bed and lie next to a lamp embracing a bit of classical music and just appreciating serenity. I absolutely love nature. If it's green - I'll be there with my hiking boots. If I'm at home I'll stick a good drama on the television or rewatch old sitcoms. I wouldn't say I was happy but I'm pretty comfortable.

But I don't really feel like I have a "thing" and this comment has made me think my life is just a bit, well.... empty? I actually posted something on here yonks ago about reducing my hours for more leisure time and one horrible poster told me I might as well not bother because my life is dull and miserable because I'm single with no kids. I'm now wondering if she had a point 🙁

Yes, they all did nothing but make life harder and more painful

I think you sound like you know yourself very well and have set your life up to suit you perfectly. Of course not everyone will want the same sort of life. I love how clear headed and assertive you are about not having children. I don't have children either and I agree it can add to feelings of loneliness when it feels like everyone else is wrapped up in family

I can relate to your feeling of something being missing. I have so many lovely things in my life, including a great partner, but often feel lonely. I don't feel seen enough, or like I have enough meaningful connection with others. I'm not sure what the answer is tbh

Your life sounds lovely and perfect. For some it will sound dull. For me, dull would be constant socialising and going to pubs. We are all so different and what one finds dull, another finds fun. Raising kids can be fulfilling but, the endless drudgery is real.

Personally, I'd get an animal or 2. I love our guinea pigs. They bring joy and a feeling of caring for something and don't take a huge amount of money or time.

Who can say what thd most meaningful way you can spend time on earth is.

Some folks are bored by the way other people live, but that doesn’t mean that those lives are boring.

Fwiw, I'm in your tribe, or at least there's a cross over section of a venn diagram that we share (I have a husband and dogs). I take myself out for meals on my own or we cook healthy meals at home, I go for walks, spend days reading, I sew, I have good friends but I only want to socialise 2 to 3 times a month. I like watching tv, but also get a too full feeling from it quite often. I have a very full, demanding, sometimes overwhelming, sometimes inspiring job. I like sitting in my beautiful garden drinking wine on my own. I love my family and see them a few times a year and speak about monthly. This is as full as i want my life to be for now. When I retire i expect to have energy for new interests and to see my friends and family more.

I echo all the posters who‘ve said get a dog. They don‘t have to be needy/demanding/noisy… not in my experience anyway. I have a kid and do love him to bits (most of the time) but he‘s a teen and spends a lot of the time out now which is great for us both. I‘m single and have been for ages really and the most calm, peaceful and fun days are those i spend with my dog(on the rare occaision DS comes which it can be nice but then he talks non-stop)

I was actually never an animal person growing up and my family still can‘t believe we got her. But she‘s so lovely. We went to a few meet-up groups together for people who got the same breed as us. She‘s not a huge working breed thats needs 3 hours of daily exercise and 24mile hike. She loves leisurely countryside walks, a play in the park and then she‘ll chill and watch some rubbish on tv with me. You can leave them for a little while alone as well. But they are a committment this is true.

Seeing friends is great but they can be draining depending on the level of drama they are dealing with, usually relationship related too. Which reconfirms my happy single-status(for now!)

I also changed jobs recently and got a part-time job in a field i really love and i feel i‘ve met my ‚tribe‘ but we‘re fairly scattered about but i find this makes seeing each other that bit more special when we do. Are you sporty? Is there a local running club, gym class…

I cannot imagine what huge family life is like but i don‘t see it being for me. I do hear what you are saying about the (family) unit feeling, but i’m not putting any pressure on finding the one. I don‘t think your life sounds boring i think you sound lucky. Make choices that work for you so many people compromise their own happiness and then get resentful…

I think you're missing a tribe of good friends tbh.

Join a meetup group in your area

Reading your post, you sound content and happy. I have two children who I adore but if I could somehow split my life in two the non-child half would look like yours!

Have you considered looking into volunteering? There are lots of options to find the right fit for you (community gardens, admin in foodbanks, coaching, our library does weekly coffee mornings and conversation run by volunteers etc). It sounds like you would have the time for a regular commitment and it can be very fulfilling.

I think your life sounds wonderful. Do you think you are only feeling this because your friend said something? If you feel like something is missing then it's a matter of finding what that is I guess and while it may take a while, you might have some fun trying different hobbies or activities.

Your life sounds lovely to me. I certainly don't think it would be improved by having a partner and children that you don't want! In fact, single, childless women are more likely to be happy than those with husbands and kids amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

I tend to think that most people, no matter what their situation, have fairly mundane lives day to day. And that's fine! You sound like you know yourself well, you know what makes you happy. Don't let other people's opinions colour your view of your own life.

And I am also approaching 40 and am doing an OU degree. Love it and would recommend looking into similar.

I think OP said her landlord won't allow pets.

I have said this on other threads, but I am a woman in my 50s with DC and I have many childfree, single friends. In fact, I am going away with one of them next weekend, to see a heritage site that we are both interested in. She is in her 30s. Many of us have had enough of family centred talk and now want to expand our interests. Find some women like that?

No, sorry, OP said she does not like dogs and does not want to commit to a pet. Fair enough.

OP I don’t think you can compare what makes you happy against another person. At the end of the day how do you feel? Do you feel that was a good day? Then great change nothing. But if you think that was a shit waste of a day, ask yourself why?

The most interesting women I know are child free so what does that tell you?

You sound exactly like me! The pleasures you list are exactly the things that make me tick. Our lives are different though because I'm married with children. Don't get me wrong - I love being married with children. My family do bring me a great deal of fulfilment and a real focus in life. However, I do spend much of my life feeling exhausted and run down. I often imagine the future when everyone needs me less and I can live a life like yours, full of walks, music, quiet pleasures.
I agree with others. If it's not children you want maybe it's a friendship group you can see more frequently.

Your life sounds like heaven to me! If you are happy then that's all that matters. I wouldn't like to go sky diving or any of that either. Perfectly happy with my garden and my book.

If you DID want to add something, a hobby like open water swimming might suit you. There are groups all over the place and you could make friends and have regular meet ups. But if you're happy I don't think you need to change anything at all.

RIP Patrick 🙏

I don't think it sounds boring. Each person has their own version of paradise and bliss and what they feel they should get out of life.

Don't let people determine for you their ideals.

You've got it good, having a partner and children isn't for everyone and that's absolutely OK. You sound like you really embrace your own time. Continue with this, and you may meet more acquaintances along the way. Go to groups with like minded people. Try and do something you think you would enjoy but always put on the back burner each year.

I have chosen my path with children and a husband and right now I would love to be invited into your serenity 🤣🤣

Could you set yourself any kind of challenge no matter what it is and see how you get on. For example my sister did a load of triathlons in one year. She was an unfit, smoking drinking hell bent work addict throughout but managed it and ran straight to the pub after the final one and never did another but I thought that was pretty cool. She sounds a lot like you. And she's great!

By 41 she was still truly bored and had a baby and still worked ft etc.
The whole family went silent when she announced her pregnancy it was so shocking, she'd never wanted dc, as pp have said that time occupying event of raising dc stops you having the luxury of even trying to be boring!! However your life is yours and yours alone. I wouldn't concern yourself about others and if you are content with your life there are 1000's of people out there who will never even achieve that.

Ps a side note... I have dc and still hate other dc and still judge those that take dc places I think they should not be taken(looking at you weirdo people taking newborn to nice restaurants) . That part has not changed for me anyway!!

OP your life sounds a lot like mine...now. And it sounds calming and pleasant and that you really know yourself. No one else does, don't let them think they know better.

I've had the marriage, the children, the divorce, the long term loving [yeah, right] relationships, the close friendships [until someone else comes along], family members support.

I now choose to be on my own [I'm much older than you]. I do not like socialising, pubs, noise, traffic, kids, badly behaved dogs...

I've had it with trying to please/adapt to 'friends', partners needs and wants, when who I am is being ignored/used. I can't do it any more so it's no real loss.. Losing family members does hurt...mother, aunt, cousins, half brother and sister, who are either dead or in their own worlds, forgetting I'm here. Fair enough.

I wish I'd found myself sooner but glad I experienced what I did to educate myself and know the difference and the relief of not doing it any more.

I've felt too selfish before to have this peace and do what I want to...walking in green spaces/beaches, reading, internet rabbit holes, good TV, my lovely home, caring for my garden. Yes, seeing adult sons and grandkids now and then but very infrequently now due to their busy engagement with the world. They're loving it, I'm happy for them.

Always something vaguely missing. I think it's a pet but not certain if I can commit long term to anything anymore. I was an only child too [until 12yrs old] and realise that that state of being...finding things to do and feeling quiet and comfortable in my own company, no one interfering, constantly there or giving 'feedback' [criticism for my choices and who I am], is more normal for me.

OP you have missed a great deal of angst, stress, neediness of others, duty, and resentment by living your own life. it all sounds good to me. If something needs changing it will come along in some way or other, even from a sudden thought, something you read or hear etc. etc. Life can change in a minute, meanwhile enjoy.

I'll echo what others have said about 'community'.

I used to experience a lot of feelings of loneliness, until DH and I left the big, anonymous city we had lived in for 15 years and moved to a little market town.

We embedded ourselves into the community (by attending clubs) and met lots of people and have made good friends and acquaintances. We say hello to our neighbours. We often see the same dogs on our daily dog walk. And if we stroll into town, we always bump into someone to have a chat with. Even just taking the time to exchange a few pleasantries with the cashier when we're in one of the local shops. It all creates roots and a sense of being part of something bigger.

I'm saying 'we' - I recognise I have DH. But I would explore the 'community' angle OP.

Thanks for all the advice everyone, I find it helpful and will especially be looking into the wildlife volunteering and interesting night courses.

Again for the people who have skimmed through my comments and have disregarded the strength of my feelings - I DO NOT WANT PARENTHOOD!! I even bluntly turned down the role of Godmother that a pushy relative tried to guilt trip me into. Don't know how I can make this any clearer.

I was widowed when my kids were small and the amount of times people were trying to get me 'out there' ... well it's not like I was putting up barriers but I've basically been single for the last 15 years. Obviously I had kids to look after but they are late teens now and I'm perfectly content. I'm happy with my life - I don't need to be socialising every weekend or down the west end or off on adventure type holidays. I have my interests and they are what interest me - I couldn't care less if someone else finds them boring.
My cousin, who is now 66 and never married, once did say she thought kids would at least be a 'reason to get up in the morning' (she works got herself). But now she's rowing on the Thames in the morning, has her friends, gets involved with charity work and really came into her own throughout covid organising the neighbourhood to check on elderly people and do shopping for them etc. Is her life duller for not having kids? Nope. She's always travelled extensively, on her own or with friends. I don't think anyone would dare say she needs to 'go do something fun'!
Frankly I don't see how doing the school run, the drudgery of cleaning and cooking on repeat makes anyone more interesting or fulfilled.

Your life doesn't sound empty at all to me, it sounds lovely and peaceful and full of lovely every day experiences. My retired boss volunteers for the woodland Trust or something like that, basically some sort of clean up.or maintenance of woodland. Maybe that sort of thing would be up your street? Do YOU think your life is empty or do other judgy folk think so? People are condescending about relationships and kids, like a person couldn't possibly be REALLY happy without either. Given the daily threads on here about miserable relationships and child related problems/issues, it's clearly no guarantee of happiness or fulfillment. Life is pot luck in a lot of ways and I think your set up sounds so good!

I understand what you mean OP. Your life sounds lovely (my pleasures and interests are actually very, very similar) but I totally get that feeling of something almost being missing.

I have two DC and as they get older (pre teens now) and spend more time entertaining themselves I do feel like I’m kicking my heels a bit and that I don’t have a strong interest/focus point that doesn’t revolve around the children and I’m struggling to find what that is.

I don’t know what the answer to your situation is OP but I just wanted to add my experience, as contrary to what PP say, I don’t think this is a case of you needing children to find your purpose.

I think everyone, whether with children or not, experiences the feeling of something missing around their 40s. I do have DC but they don't need me as much, so I am now doing lots of solo travel, and new clubs and interests. I also volunteer.